I need to vent. And wine, lots of wine.

JCbride2015

TLDR: cousin dropped out of wedding party; my grandmother gave her a really hard time; and now FMIL is encouraging me to pick another BM.  BLARF.

A couple of weeks ago at a family Christmas gathering, my 14-year-old cousin very shyly told me that she is really nervous about being a BM and if it's okay with me, she would rather not be in the wedding party.  She's nervous about standing up in front of people, she doesn't know the other BMs, and they are all older than her.  I told her of course, I just want her to have fun at the wedding and if that means she's not a BM, that is totally fine.  Poor girl was so nervous to tell me and I just tried to make her feel better about it.  It's really fine with me.

Then my aunt asked me if it was really okay and I said, of course!  She asked if it would mess up my numbers and I told her the numbers don't matter, the sides were never even in the first place anyway.  Turns out Cousin was so shy because at Thanksgiving (yes, weeks earlier) she mentioned being nervous and my grandmother cornered this 14-year-old girl and told her she was ruining the wedding!  And once she said yes to being a BM, she has responsibilities and blah blah blah.  We are still about 4 months out from the wedding, her dress hasn't been bought yet... she is ruining nothing by backing out at this point.  I could strangle my grandmother for making Cousin feel so bad about this.

In the meantime, Fi decided he wants FSIL to be his "best person."  She was so excited and I think this is adorable.  So now technically she isn't a BM either; we aren't sure yet what she'll wear or what flowers she'll carry, but she's on the groom's side now.  

And just the other day at New Year's family dinner, FMIL asked about the wedding.  I mentioned the BM shuffle and she asked what the numbers were on each side and then immediately suggested I need to ask a new BM.  No! No no no!  "Won't it look funny if the sides are uneven?"  Headdesk headdesk headdesk.

I understand why so many newbs come on TK thinking they need to decide on [even] numbers of BMs and GMs before slotting in their people.  Every single older person in my life insists that sides must be even and gender-specific.  Both sides of my family, Fi's family, multiple generations.  Seriously... in what other life events do we try to arrange people in symmetrical groups?  Why would you want that or care?  Oh sorry, Family, only 4 women and 4 men can attend my graduation and take pictures with me, because otherwise our family will look totally unbalanced.  Sorry, Friends, happy hour tonight only has 3 female and 3 male slots, first come, first served.

I'm mostly pissed at my grandma for making my child cousin feel like shit.  Who does that?

huskypuppy14

Not cool granny. Yes, who does that. 

Even sides were not a problem in my wedding. My husband had 6 attendants and I had 3. No one cared or even said anything. 

lovegood90

Ugh, that sucks! Your poor cousin; at least you were able to make her feel better! I agree, it baffles me how many people are so adamant about even sides...it's one of the few things that has zero effect on anyone involved.

rcher912

Oh, your poor cousin!! I would feel exactly the same way you do about the situation, and I hope she really does feel better now that you've talked (I can see her still being terrified of family gatherings for the next year, though). 

steph861

Boo on your grandma. I hope your cousin felt relieved after you reassured her!

theartistformerlyknownas

You obviously don't need some rando replacement. I've already bought my dress. :-D

blabla89

That stinks for your cousin. It's good that you were able to make her feel better about it.

The last wedding I was in had at least one replacement BM, because even sides. FI and I ended up having even numbers unintentionally, but it would have been fine if he had wanted his brothers to stand up which would have been 6 GMs to 3 BMs.

Cookie Pusher

lolo883 said:

You obviously don't need some rando replacement. I've already bought my dress. :-D

I volunteer to be Basket.

theartistformerlyknownas

VulgarGirl

Every time I hear about replacement bridesmaids I think about a scene in one of the Sookie Stackhouse novels where she's made to fill in at the wedding of someone she only kind of knows because the original bridesmaid passes out just before the wedding. Because EVEN SIDES. Even though she's the weird girl in town.

JCbride2015

MagicInk said:

Every time I hear about replacement bridesmaids I think about a scene in one of the Sookie Stackhouse novels where she's made to fill in at the wedding of someone she only kind of knows because the original bridesmaid passes out just before the wedding. Because EVEN SIDES. Even though she's the weird girl in town.

YES. I love those books and now I love you even more.

drunkenwitch

I was a groomswoman at my brother's wedding, I was a bridesmaid at a wedding where the sides are uneven (gasp) and I was a bridesmaid at a wedding where there was a man of honor.

Oh the horror, uneven sides and mixed gender wedding parties! Guess what? No one gave a fuck, a shit or even a flying rat's ass!

VulgarGirl

Cookie Pusher said:

lolo883 said:

You obviously don't need some rando replacement. I've already bought my dress. :-D

I volunteer to be Basket.

I volunteer to show up and get plastered at your open bar because that's what you do with open bars.

lurkergirl

Okay, fine, I'll do it, but only if you let me keep my pink hair.

beachyone15

Poor cousin.

Our wedding party just happened to work out with even sides and then about a month before the wedding, one of his guys dropped out. My H asked me if he should invite another of his friends that he had in mind. Thanks to you lovely ladies, I was able to point out to him that sides don't have to be even and that he risks the potential of hurting his friend's feelings since he never asked him in the first place. Everything worked out just fine with 6 girls and 5 guys and no one got their feelings hurt!

pinkcow13

Problem solved. You're welcome.

http://bridesmaidforhire.com/

Seriously though, what is it with this even side obsession?

KatieinBkln

This is exactly why I don't let anyone from my family talk to me ever. And why I moved across the country from them.

(Kidding. Kind of. I definitely counted my blessings while I was home for Christmas and realized I'd have to have a shitload more conversations about my wedding choices if I actually lived among all my relatives.)

dolewhipper

One of Fi GM had to back out because his band might get signed and his manager wants them to play South by Southwest which is the same weekend as our wedding. No biggie, we appreciated him telling us in advance and to keep us updated. We told him the last date before final numbers just in case he can go.

But then Fi asked if he should ask someone else. He stated that he felt odd, that before I had 5 on my side and he had 4, but now he has 3. He didn't want to seem like he didn't have friends. I told him he was being silly, but I can understand.

JCbride2015

dolewhipper said:

One of Fi GM had to back out because his band might get signed and his manager wants them to play South by Southwest which is the same weekend as our wedding. No biggie, we appreciated him telling us in advance and to keep us updated. We told him the last date before final numbers just in case he can go.

But then Fi asked if he should ask someone else. He stated that he felt odd, that before I had 5 on my side and he had 4, but now he has 3. He didn't want to seem like he didn't have friends. I told him he was being silly, but I can understand.

The ironic part of all of this is that initially I had a couple more than Fi.  I didn't ask any post-college friends because Fi was self-conscious for this reason.  Now... he has more people on his side than I do!