Need to vent: FI and the honeymoon

blabla89

Right after Christmas we booked plane tickets and started planning our HM to Florence/Tuscany. Last night we had a big blowout while we were working on it. FI was upset because he had planned out a lot of things already, and I had some different suggestions and ideas. Then we were looking at hotels, and he was frustrated because I wanted to see more options rather than narrow down the list we started with.

In the middle of it said that he only picked Florence because it was what I wanted and he was trying to plan everything around what I want. Except it wasn’t something that I really wanted or insisted on. I noticed a good price on flights and asked him if he would be interested, and he said yes and that it sounded very romantic. I kept asking him if he wanted to go to Paris since he seemed to really like the idea, but he said no, let’s go to Florence. I wish he would have just said yes. I said that to him, and then he said what he really wanted was to go to the beach. FI has known for years that I don’t love the beach. I sunburn easily and don’t like to just lay around on vacation, so a day or two at the beach is about the most that I enjoy. When FI suggested an island destination for the HM, I asked if we could compromise on a destination to spend a few days at the beach and a few days in a city. He started looking at Europe instead, since I had said I would love to go there.

So now I feel terrible about the whole thing, like I unintentionally took away the HM that he wanted. I thought he was really excited about Italy. Now I’m afraid that he feels resentful because it isn’t what he wanted and he won’t enjoy the trip. All of my excitement has faded now and I don't have the motivation to finish planning. I also wonder how we're going to get through bigger issues in the future if we can't even plan this trip without arguing. Thanks for letting me vent about it here.

novella1186

What time of year is your HM? FI and I had the same debate for a while. He wanted a beach, I don't like beaches. We're going to the Amalfi Coast in Italy. There are a bunch of little towns close together and an island (Capri) so it's easy to do day trips. Some towns are on the beach, some are up in the cliffs. So there's lots of different options and stuff to do. Like stuff to do besides sitting out in the sun, but most hotels have ocean-side sun decks if that is something you want to do. 

Maybe you guys could spend some time in Florence and then head down to the Amalfi Coast? 

It starts getting warm (like 70s) in May, which is when we're going. It gets hot and supposedly has really nice weather throughout the summer. The busy season for locals is around August. I've read that the busy season for Americans is around June-July. But I've also read that any time, May through October, is a great time to go. 

Just a suggestion so you can maybe get the best of both worlds! 

loro929

What time period are you going to be going there? If you will be there in the spring / summer a nice compromise could be to also plan a visit Isola d'Elba (where Napoleon was exiled). It is an absolutely stunning island (if you rent a car there are ferries that leave from the mainland several times a day).

The island is about 4 hours by car away from Florence and you could maybe think about spending 2 nights there to have a bit of the lazy beach holiday too, while also experiencing the history and culture that Italy has to offer.

tcnoble

Well that sucks.

It's a bummer that he wasn't totally honest from the beginning. I think it's sweet he wanted to try and do what YOU wanted, but then short changed himself and ended up doing something he wasn't crazy about. Maybe once the two of you calm down and are able to think more rationally, you can sit down and figure out how you can BOTH be happy with this honeymoon to Florence.

I'm not familiar with Florence or Italy at all, but is there any way in your trip you could plan a day or two on the coast so he can spend time at the beach?

novella1186

Also, if it makes you feel any better, I originally wanted to go to New Zealand. FI said he wanted to go too. We talked about it a million times and I kept asking if it was really what he wanted, and if there were any other places he was interested in, (just to make sure he wasn't merely going along with what I wanted) and he kept insisting he wanted to go to New Zealand. 

Then I'm telling my family about our potential plans of going there and FI blurts out some snarky comment about how I'm the one who decided it and that's not even where he wants to go. Um... wtf dude? Wrong time and place to say that since I had asked him about it a million times in private. Now I look like a controlling asshole in front of my family (i.e. my sister and dad who are ALWAYS eager to find reasons to rip me apart). 

I was mostly upset about the fact that he hadn't been honest with me, though. I kept telling him I would be happy to go literally anywhere in the world and I would love it, as long as I was with him. So why not just tell me the truth? Ugh. 

blabla89

Thank you ladies for the suggestions! I am going to look into our options to spend a few days at the beach. I just don't know how to approach the subject with FI, because I know he's going to be mad that he planned all this stuff that he thought was what I wanted and now I'm changing it. He hates it when I change my mind, even if I'm trying to suit him

ETA: Also, it's not like FI never gets to go to the beach. Last fall he went on an 8 day Caribbean cruise and this summer his parents are getting a condo at the nearest beach to us. But I don't know when we'd have the opportunity to travel internationally again, you know?

lovegood90

That sucks! But I think there are a ton of solutions that ensure you both will have a good time.

Ie if you go to Europe, you could spend some of your time at a beach destination (ie somewhere on the coast of Italy or France?) then take the Eurail (is that what it's called?) a few hours away to a city? Best of both worlds! That's what I love about Europe- it takes such a short amount of time to travel to a place with a completely different feel.

BF and I might be doing something similar in the summer/fall- we may spend some time near a beach in Croatia then take the train to Budapest and/or Vienna

SBmini

Welcome to the first of many compromises of marriage! It is impossible for you two to agree on everything all the time. You shouldn't hate your honeymoon because your DH wants something completely different than you do, and vice versa. For a trip as monumental as a honeymoon- compromise is the best way to go and I think you did well. You can take a tropical trip as your next vacation.

littlepep

We've been having similar discussions. I really want to go to a beach because I know I'm going to want to relax, but FI gets bored pretty easily so we need a place that has a lot of activities as well. I've found that honeymoon planning requires much more of a compromise than any of the other wedding stuff! I like the suggestions from PPs that you try and go to the coast for a few days as a compromise. I hear Amalfi Coast is beautiful!

flutteringinfl

FWIW, I've been to Florence and it's incredible. But I was only there for a few days. Maybe you can spend a few days there, a few days somewhere else? I know the whole thing is that you're not married to the idea of Florence, but as someone who's been there, I just want you to know how awesome it is.