Someone asked to come to the ceremony (only)....

primafaba15

I'm getting married in the chapel at my alma mater, which also happens to be where I work. We won't be able to invite my coworkers because of cost/space at the reception, so I've tried to avoid discussion at work. However, the topic has come up a few times with some coworkers and with one older woman in particular who is also an alum, got married in the same chapel, etc. We are very friendly, but because she doesn't work in my immediate team/department, I couldn't invite her without political fall-out even if we could fit coworkers. When I was initially evasive about her questions, she made a point of making it clear that she really just likes talking about weddings and that she doesn't expect an invite or anything (after which I've been less evasive, but still cautious of course).

However, the other day she did make an offhand joke about 'sneaking' into the chapel just for the ceremony part. Personally, I would not be at all bothered if she did this -- the chapel has more than enough capacity, and I really like this woman and wish I could invite her for real (and all of my coworkers, truly), and I know she doesn't then expect to go to the offsite reception.  But obviously it would be the worst kind of rude if I were to explicitly invite her to attend just the ceremony. 

So, if she initiates it, is it really rude if I just...let this happen? Is there something polite and kind I can/should do to stop her? What's the polite thing to do here? 

rcher912

haha, I don't know the actual answer to this, but your coworker sounds awesome. I'd do that, too.

[Deleted User]

Wow.  I don't know what the etiquette is on this, but I might tell her that the chapel is always open and if she wanted to sneak in for your wedding, you wouldn't be able to do anything to stop her *wink wink *nudge nudge.  Since you can't Invite her, this might be an okay way to tell her you'd be open to seeing her there.

Liatris2010

If the chapel is open to thepublic, and I assume it is, you can't stop her, so I wouldn't bother discouraging her.

primafaba15

The chapel is semi-open to the public (it's really a private chapel for the college and doesn't have a full congregation who would automatically be included as some 'real' churches would), but it's not policed or anything, and as an employee there would be no question of her having access. 

I really don't know how I would physically stop her -- and I'm not inclined to! -- I just wasn't sure if it was acceptable etiquette-wise to do as adk19 suggested (which is kind of what I was inclined to do!). 

rcher912

haha, I didn't want to say it in case it was way against etiquette, but I'd do what @adk19 suggested, too.

marie2785

Not only is it not rude to let her sneak it, it's also not entirely uncommon to have this happen. Many religions have a mandated "open door" policy for the ceremony, even in campus churches. I was warned by our church's wedding coordinator that sometimes church members come to weddings at the chapel I'm getting married at, and not to panic if I see this. They just like watching weddings, and tend to sit in the back rows. 

I also think it would be a bit awkward and insulting to say "Please don't sneak in". That might ruffle more feathers than laughing with her about her sneaking in.

*Exception being people that SHOULD NOT attend like abusive exes, etc. My church made it clear they would kick those people out if they arrived. 

WhatawagSBNy

primafaba15 said:

I'm getting married in the chapel at my alma mater, which also happens to be where I work. We won't be able to invite my coworkers because of cost/space at the reception, so I've tried to avoid discussion at work. However, the topic has come up a few times with some coworkers and with one older woman in particular who is also an alum, got married in the same chapel, etc. We are very friendly, but because she doesn't work in my immediate team/department, I couldn't invite her without political fall-out even if we could fit coworkers. When I was initially evasive about her questions, she made a point of making it clear that she really just likes talking about weddings and that she doesn't expect an invite or anything (after which I've been less evasive, but still cautious of course).

However, the other day she did make an offhand joke about 'sneaking' into the chapel just for the ceremony part. Personally, I would not be at all bothered if she did this -- the chapel has more than enough capacity, and I really like this woman and wish I could invite her for real (and all of my coworkers, truly), and I know she doesn't then expect to go to the offsite reception.  But obviously it would be the worst kind of rude if I were to explicitly invite her to attend just the ceremony. 

So, if she initiates it, is it really rude if I just...let this happen? Is there something polite and kind I can/should do to stop her? What's the polite thing to do here? 

They key is, if she initiates it. You are not leaving her out of the reception. And if she finds your ceremony and maybe her own memories enough, it would be unkind to say no. But her status is like that of a church member who comes to any wedding in their own church. No invitation. And none to the reception. Polite of her to ask privately. And you have been wise to discuss the wedding only when asked at work.

teddygirl9

Okay, so I have no input with your wedding crasher, however I feel like I am similar to your co-worker. I just love talking about weddings. For example, I was hired last feb, and found out that one of the girls was planning a wedding in the mountains (which i love), and I would always ask her questions about it. I did not ever expect an invite, as we'd just met, and now I hope I didnt make her uncomfortable with thinking that I did haha.

thisismynickname2

Eh, let her "sneak in." No harm no foul in this case. 

My best friend sent me a text about a week before our wedding say, "I know this is really awkward but my mom just loves weddings, and she wants to know if she can come to the ceremony. Feel free to say no."

As it happened, we were well under budget, so I told her that her mom and her dad could come and even stay for the reception. In the end they didn't come because her mom realized she wouldn't know anyone there anyway, haha.