Cousin Jealous of Her Cousin, The Flower Girl

MegEn1

We just got an email from a family member, whose grandchild we invited to be our flowergirl. Our goal was to invite one child from FI's side, one child from my side. But family member says another of her grandchildren, a cousin, is jealous that she's not in the wedding. Can't we find space for her?

This is FI's side of the family and FI's parents are paying for a big chunk of the wedding, while mine contribute none. So part of me feels like I'm obligated to let this other child in. But if we let her in, there's another cousin in that family that will then have to be included. And then it becomes an issue because my family only has one child included.

Of course, its' been almost two weeks and my family hasn't confirmed our ring bearer. So if they say no we'll have to use FI's ring bearer, and then if we include two we'll have to include them all and my family won't have any children in the wedding.

Which is their choice but it ... kinda hurts.

Also I'm having guilt about FI's side - can't we just fine space for her? UGH.

flantastic

MegEn1 said:

We just got an email from a family member, whose grandchild we invited to be our flowergirl. Our goal was to invite one child from FI's side, one child from my side. But family member says another of her grandchildren, a cousin, is jealous that she's not in the wedding. Can't we find space for her?

This is FI's side of the family and FI's parents are paying for a big chunk of the wedding, while mine contribute none. So part of me feels like I'm obligated to let this other child in. But if we let her in, there's another cousin in that family that will then have to be included. And then it becomes an issue because my family only has one child included.

Of course, its' been almost two weeks and my family hasn't confirmed our ring bearer. So if they say no we'll have to use FI's ring bearer, and then if we include two we'll have to include them all and my family won't have any children in the wedding.

Which is their choice but it ... kinda hurts.

Also I'm having guilt about FI's side - can't we just fine space for her? UGH.

It's okay if this girl learns that just because you want something doesn't mean you're owed it. You are under no obligation to "find space" for her just because she's throwing a tantrum.

See how your FI feels about it. Why did you choose the particular child you did from his side?

You don't have to have a ring bearer. If the boy you ask doesn't want to do it, don't replace him - that's the same idea as with anyone in the WP. In the bolded, I'm seeing a lot of "we have to"s that don't necessarily follow. No, you don't have to.

thespeshulestsnowflake

Only you and your FI can pick the wedding party, the ring bearer and flower girl included. They should not have sent you that email. How rude of them. For the girl (how old is she?), she needs to learn she will not always be included in things. It sucks but that is life.

Jen4948

That email you got about "finding space" for a jealous girl was inappropriate. You don't have to make her a flower girl.

MegEn1

Thanks for your responses.

FI talked to his mother about it (if we decide to say no we'll need her on our side) and she recommended having the temper-tantrum girl as well as my female cousin as flower girls. So we'd only be leaving one boy child in both our families out, which I immediately bristled at.

I guess I'm torn. FI's family is paying for the reception, but in my mind that means I should be allowed to put my foot down somewhere. But at the same time my family is smaller, pretty pauper-y and not committing anything to this. I'm not tight with most of them, so it's not really on most of their radars I'm sure. I feel like I should be more respectful of his family's wishes because they're so involved in our lives. But if we bend over on this I think I'll feel like a prop at my own wedding. Not to mention the boathouse where we'll be getting ready will be full of preteen girls. And one of them SHRIEKS.

We chose the flower girl because she is the youngest in the family and the only one who hasn't had the opportunity to be in a wedding. Moreover, she and I really click - the older kids sometimes don't like me but this girl will not only be so friendly toward me, but she sticks up for me with her siblings who don't care for me as much. I know I sound like an idiot, a five year old protects me from her siblings. :P

We picked the ring bearer on my side because even though I've only met him a few times in his young life he's always been a really nice kid, really genuine, really clever.

I don't want to be the bad bridezilla bitch by putting my foot down but I really don't love the idea of being surrounded by kids on what is already a stressful and busy day. And if they don't stay under control their parents will be running around with them everywhere, while we're all getting ready, etc. etc. I just want small, contained, quiet prior to the ceremony.

MegEn1

To all the lurkers reading this - just fucking elope.

Jen4948

The only people who have any say about whether or not there are attendants (of any age) and who they are is the couple. Not their parents. This is one instance where paying does not give them a say.

Your FI should not have consulted his mother on this. Just tell Jealous Girl's grandmother that no, you're not having any other people in the wedding besides the people you've already chosen. If she brings up how jealous her granddaughter is or "finding space" for her, just stand firm: "I'm sorry, but our decision is final." Then bean-dip her after that. It doesn't make you a bridezilla to say no to a jealous kid.

flantastic

Jen4948 said:

The only people who have any say about whether or not there are attendants (of any age) and who they are is the couple. Not their parents. This is one instance where paying does not give them a say. Your FI should not have consulted his mother on this. Just tell Jealous Girl's grandmother that no, you're not having any other people in the wedding besides the people you've already chosen. If she brings up how jealous her granddaughter is or "finding space" for her, just stand firm: "I'm sorry, but our decision is final." Then bean-dip her after that. It doesn't make you a bridezilla to say no to a jealous kid.

This, except have your FI do it. It's his family, it's your joint decision, which you already made. He needs to back up the both of you and speak with his own family.

[Deleted User]

MegEn1 said:

To all the lurkers reading this - just fucking elope.

It actually came up last night.  We might.

MegEn1

adk19 said:

MegEn1 said:

To all the lurkers reading this - just fucking elope.

It actually came up last night.  We might.

I cannot stress this enough. When we agreed to have a 'proper' wedding it was a $20,000 'intimate' event that is now ballooning to over $50,000 and everybody and their mother and their cousins who no one has seen in 20 years. If this is what we had thought it would be when we started, we'd have eloped. Now we're too many deposits in and too many promises in to turn back without lots of hurt feelings. 

I am dreading my wedding. 

MegEn1

Spoke to F, explained calmly why I don't want to do this - too many kids running around ahead of the ceremony, the rudeness of the request, etc. He said 'Just tell my mother that and she'll be entirely on board and she'll support us when grandmother pushes back.' Sat down to find an email from FMIL about why we'll have to do this, including a dig at about how important it is to include politics in wedding planning.

I'm amazed at the level of calm I maintained while emailing her back. It's something I didn't think I posessed. I told her that no decision would be made tonight but that I was extremely hurt that no one even thought to ask us why we had only one flower girl or ring bearer before assuming they could nudge others upon us because we were mean people who excluded children. 

By no decision I mean that there will absolutely not be a parade of kids in this wedding. This is the hill I fucking die on. 

flantastic

MegEn1 said:

Spoke to F, explained calmly why I don't want to do this - too many kids running around ahead of the ceremony, the rudeness of the request, etc. He said 'Just tell my mother that and she'll be entirely on board and she'll support us when grandmother pushes back.' Sat down to find an email from FMIL about why we'll have to do this, including a dig at about how important it is to include politics in wedding planning.

I'm amazed at the level of calm I maintained while emailing her back. It's something I didn't think I posessed. I told her that no decision would be made tonight but that I was extremely hurt that no one even thought to ask us why we had only one flower girl or ring bearer before assuming they could nudge others upon us because we were mean people who excluded children. 

By no decision I mean that there will absolutely not be a parade of kids in this wedding. This is the hill I fucking die on. 

When you are ready to give your final decision to his mother, TELL YOUR FIANCE TO DO THE TALKING. It's his wedding too, and the two of you need practice in backing each other up on your joint decisions. You do not have to be the official spokesperson for wedding business.

MegEn1

flantastic said:

MegEn1 said:

Spoke to F, explained calmly why I don't want to do this - too many kids running around ahead of the ceremony, the rudeness of the request, etc. He said 'Just tell my mother that and she'll be entirely on board and she'll support us when grandmother pushes back.' Sat down to find an email from FMIL about why we'll have to do this, including a dig at about how important it is to include politics in wedding planning.

I'm amazed at the level of calm I maintained while emailing her back. It's something I didn't think I posessed. I told her that no decision would be made tonight but that I was extremely hurt that no one even thought to ask us why we had only one flower girl or ring bearer before assuming they could nudge others upon us because we were mean people who excluded children. 

By no decision I mean that there will absolutely not be a parade of kids in this wedding. This is the hill I fucking die on. 

When you are ready to give your final decision to his mother, TELL YOUR FIANCE TO DO THE TALKING. It's his wedding too, and the two of you need practice in backing each other up on your joint decisions. You do not have to be the official spokesperson for wedding business.

I will. The emails have been flying back and forth, but to a certain extent I do want to stand up for myself. I'm letting her know how hurt I am. She keeps talking about how this is such a tiny thing that will ruin my relationship with the family if I don't etc. etc. So I'm letting her know how hurtful it is that my relationship with my future family could hinge on being bullied into this, and referring to FI, who will likely call her when he's off work tomorrow morning.

If this is something that breaks my relationship with my in-laws, then I imagine we weren't going to get along for the rest of our lives anyway. 

I want to cry.

flantastic

I hear ya.

"It's not my fault [cousin's] parents and grandma don't know how to explain to their daughter that she won't be involved in everything she wants to be. The definition I'm hearing of 'family politics' is that we must always give the bullies and the whiners in the family what they want, or family will be ruined. I refuse to accept that definition."

Or at least that might be what I want to say. If you feel the conversation stops being productive, stop and cool off and let your FI take it - she's much less likely to hate him over something said that wasn't actually meant.

MegEn1

flantastic said:

I hear ya.

"It's not my fault [cousin's] parents and grandma don't know how to explain to their daughter that she won't be involved in everything she wants to be. The definition I'm hearing of 'family politics' is that we must always give the bullies and the whiners in the family what they want, or family will be ruined. I refuse to accept that definition."

Or at least that might be what I want to say. If you feel the conversation stops being productive, stop and cool off and let your FI take it - she's much less likely to hate him over something said that wasn't actually meant.

Yeah I'm not discussing the actual issue any more, but I want her to know how horrible I feel that my relationship with the family all matters on if I let all their children be in this wedding. That if I don't do that I'm shit with them.

This family does a lot of drama between people without directness. I'm not that person, nor will I become that person. So I won't NOT engage. But I'm not discussing the issue itself anymore, simply refering to the fact that FI isn't home and we both need to make this decision. 

ohannabelle

Absolutely not. Yes, contributing mamas and Grandmas get a say. But we're also expected to behave, and remember that it isn't our wedding. We don't get to choose the wedding party. (We get to have opinions about ugly chairs or glassware.) But ultimately, it isn't our circus. 

Shame on Grandma, and FMIL.

Fiancé needs to pick up the phone and read Grandma her beads, as respectfully and politely as possible. Your wedding isn't being planned by jealous children. Or overindulgent Grandmamas.  

I'd die on this fucking hill as well. 

It's a good time for you two to set boundaries. This kind of behavior needs to stop before it goes farther. Next year it'll be where you go for holidays, or what neighborhood you'll buy your house in, and why you need to go to Auntie Whatsies during your vacation. 

Disengage with the email exchange immediately. "Love you and appreciate what you've contributed to our wedding, and very sorry if you choose to be hurt, but the subject is simply no longer open for discussion, and I'm not going to address it again."

Done. Foot down. Make sure your finance's foot is in the same place. 

And deposits be damned. If you're truly unhappy with what your wedding has become, I'd be researching an elopement. Grandma and FMIL can use the venue to have a family reunion, if that's what's important to them. 

 

lovegood90

ohannabelle said:

Absolutely not. Yes, contributing mamas and Grandmas get a say. But we're also expected to behave, and remember that it isn't our wedding. We don't get to choose the wedding party. (We get to have opinions about ugly chairs or glassware.) But ultimately, it isn't our circus. 

Shame on Grandma, and FMIL.

Fiancé needs to pick up the phone and read Grandma her beads, as respectfully and politely as possible. Your wedding isn't being planned by jealous children. Or overindulgent Grandmamas.  

I'd die on this fucking hill as well. 

It's a good time for you two to set boundaries. This kind of behavior needs to stop before it goes farther. Next year it'll be where you go for holidays, or what neighborhood you'll buy your house in, and why you need to go to Auntie Whatsies during your vacation. 

Disengage with the email exchange immediately. "Love you and appreciate what you've contributed to our wedding, and very sorry if you choose to be hurt, but the subject is simply no longer open for discussion, and I'm not going to address it again."

Done. Foot down. Make sure your finance's foot is in the same place. 

And deposits be damned. If you're truly unhappy with what your wedding has become, I'd be researching an elopement. Grandma and FMIL can use the venue to have a family reunion, if that's what's important to them. 

 

Agree with all of this. Die on this hill, use a wording similar to above to put your foot down and disengage with the discussion, then let your Fi do the handling after that. Good luck!

thespeshulestsnowflake

I'm glad you are standing up for yourself, but your FI needs to make sure that it is clear he is on your side on this. I know you are, but it needs to be clear to his family that you two are an united front on this and that a decision you two make together needs to be respected.

Also, if this is stressing you out so much, I would look into what deposits you can get back or not. It shouldn't be this stressful.

MegEn1

As an update, was able to speak to FI about this. He is on my side, and sat down to send his mom what turned out to be a thread of emails smacking her down about what she did. He was most upset about the way she confronted us in the emails, about how we HAVE to do this, etc. He had specifically asked her to talk with me and hear me about about my feelings on the matter, and she did exactly not that. He's also pretty miffed about how grandmother emailed us in the first place.

So he's dealing with his mother today. He wants to square things with her about the way things are before we respond to grandmother because just like he and I are united, he wants his immediate family united when this turns into a thing.

I'm so cranky this morning. I didn't sleep much last night, up at about 4 because of the stress of this situation. I faultered a bit, wondering if I'd been too harsh or was being difficult when a tiny concession would make this all go away. I'm reminding myself not to be ashamed of my own feelings, and that I didn't make this situation. But I already told FI that I don't want this and he understands that and supports me in that. Not just because of how rudely we've been treated, but because there's already 4 attendants on either side, plus a flower girl and ring bearer, all standing in a very small space for the ceremony. Definitely can't afford to fit more in the space.

Maggie0829

scribe95 said:

Out of curiosity - why don't you or he just call her and have a conversation - not all this email crap.

I was thinking this same thing.  Sometimes a phone call is a lot better then an email where tone can be misinterpreted.

MegEn1

Maggie0829 said:

scribe95 said:

Out of curiosity - why don't you or he just call her and have a conversation - not all this email crap.

I was thinking this same thing.  Sometimes a phone call is a lot better then an email where tone can be misinterpreted.

I was really expecting her to call, but I saw she'd emailed so I emailed back. FI emailed her this morning because he had to go to bed before she'd be awake. I suppose in hindsight I should have called when I got her email.

Liatris2010

Lurkers, this is why we often tell peope to invite in circles. No you don't have to invite everyone, but yes, you will have a hard time explaining why one cousin is invited, but not the other.

ohannabelle

MegEn1 said:

As an update, was able to speak to FI about this. He is on my side, and sat down to send his mom what turned out to be a thread of emails smacking her down about what she did. He was most upset about the way she confronted us in the emails, about how we HAVE to do this, etc. He had specifically asked her to talk with me and hear me about about my feelings on the matter, and she did exactly not that. He's also pretty miffed about how grandmother emailed us in the first place.

So he's dealing with his mother today. He wants to square things with her about the way things are before we respond to grandmother because just like he and I are united, he wants his immediate family united when this turns into a thing.

I'm so cranky this morning. I didn't sleep much last night, up at about 4 because of the stress of this situation. I faultered a bit, wondering if I'd been too harsh or was being difficult when a tiny concession would make this all go away. I'm reminding myself not to be ashamed of my own feelings, and that I didn't make this situation. But I already told FI that I don't want this and he understands that and supports me in that. Not just because of how rudely we've been treated, but because there's already 4 attendants on either side, plus a flower girl and ring bearer, all standing in a very small space for the ceremony. Definitely can't afford to fit more in the space.

Hugs for the stress. I hate when other people make things unpleasant. There's just no cause for it.

On the bright side, yay, fiancé! He's on your side, and stepping up to handle it. 

He might be a keeper.

MegEn1

Liatris2010 said:

Lurkers, this is why we often tell peope to invite in circles. No you don't have to invite everyone, but yes, you will have a hard time explaining why one cousin is invited, but not the other.

Everyone in the family is invited, but we picked one flower girl and one ring bearer. The other children are guests.

PrettyGirlLost

Any reason why everyone has to stand during your ceremony?  It's pretty uncomfortable even for 20mins.  Why not let your bridal party sit in the 1st row of seats during the ceremony?

MegEn1

PrettyGirlLost said:

Any reason why everyone has to stand during your ceremony?  It's pretty uncomfortable even for 20mins.  Why not let your bridal party sit in the 1st row of seats during the ceremony?

Honestly after the last two days I don't care if people stand on their heads. Sounds like FMIL wants to do all the logistics anyway.

PrettyGirlLost

MegEn1 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Any reason why everyone has to stand during your ceremony?  It's pretty uncomfortable even for 20mins.  Why not let your bridal party sit in the 1st row of seats during the ceremony?

Honestly after the last two days I don't care if people stand on their heads. Sounds like FMIL wants to do all the logistics anyway.

But it's your wedding, correct?

You and your FI need to take control.  If your FMIL is being a pain in the ass and over stepping her boundaries over your wedding ceremony, then she will continue to do so through all aspects of your lives.

Having been a BM a ton of times (10+) I can tell you that it's really uncomfortable, and unnecessary, to have your WP stand with you at the altar during the duration of the ceremony.  Even in comfortable shoes, 20mins+ of standing really starts to wear on you, and I can't imagine children standing for that long, to be quite honest.

There;s no reason to have your WP stand with you during the ceremony, even if you are having a religious one.  Typically, only the MOH and Best Man are required.

Let your WP sit in the 1st row during your ceremony, and then yur parents can be seated in the 2nd row.  Your WP will thank you.

MegEn1

Solution came about. FI emailed grandmother and said thanks but no thanks, however as we move forward with picking out readings, if we need someone to hand out programs, etc. we will keep the kid in mind and we thank her for her enthusiasm.

Or something less professional-y sounding than that. I'm at work so my mind's in the work lane.

It's been an experience with the family I won't forget for a long time. LURKERS! Just because you're family or think someone 'won't mind' if you do a bad etiquette thing, it DOES matter. While I won't cut off their family from my life or anything crazy like that, or say anything else to them about how bad they made me feel, I AM going to remember and my opinion of some people HAS fallen.

flantastic

MegEn1 said:

Solution came about. FI emailed grandmother and said thanks but no thanks, however as we move forward with picking out readings, if we need someone to hand out programs, etc. we will keep the kid in mind and we thank her for her enthusiasm.

Or something less professional-y sounding than that. I'm at work so my mind's in the work lane.

It's been an experience with the family I won't forget for a long time. LURKERS! Just because you're family or think someone 'won't mind' if you do a bad etiquette thing, it DOES matter. While I won't cut off their family from my life or anything crazy like that, or say anything else to them about how bad they made me feel, I AM going to remember and my opinion of some people HAS fallen.

Glad it worked out! Don't do the bolded.

There definitely are certain things about my relationship with MIL which might be better if not for wedding planning.

lovegood90

flantastic said:

MegEn1 said:

Solution came about. FI emailed grandmother and said thanks but no thanks, however as we move forward with picking out readings, if we need someone to hand out programs, etc. we will keep the kid in mind and we thank her for her enthusiasm.

Or something less professional-y sounding than that. I'm at work so my mind's in the work lane.

It's been an experience with the family I won't forget for a long time. LURKERS! Just because you're family or think someone 'won't mind' if you do a bad etiquette thing, it DOES matter. While I won't cut off their family from my life or anything crazy like that, or say anything else to them about how bad they made me feel, I AM going to remember and my opinion of some people HAS fallen.

Glad it worked out! Don't do the bolded.

There definitely are certain things about my relationship with MIL which might be better if not for wedding planning.

Agreed. Don't ask any family members to do any "jobs" such as the above. The only appropriate roles are bridal party or reader. If you don't want this cousin to do either of those then they can just come as a guest and the grandmother can be an adult and accept it.

[Deleted User]

Unless the girl decides, of her own accord, to pick up the programs from the basket they are in and pass them out, this is not a job that should be assigned to anyone.