Everyone keeps remind me that I'm not engaged!!! (please kick me)

untouchablets

Seriously. This stuff follows BF and I EVERYWHERE. We have been together for 5.5 years and we got together when we were 18. We have had the timeline talk... sorta. What I mean by that is we know when we are moving in together (two years from now so he can graduate nursing school and get a job) and he knows that I want to get engaged sometime in the year before that. He wants to get engaged AFTER that, so we are just at an impasse on that one, which is fine cause I just really adore him and want to wait until he is ready.
ANYWAY
To outsiders (friends, acquaintances, complete strangers) it seems like we are waiting too long and "whats the hold up?!" and no matter what we say, it's not good enough. "Well I got married in college, it is possible!" and all that. I am trying really hard to not be that girl that goes BSC and is disappointed every anniversary, christmas, valentines day, birthday  that I am not presented with a ring (even though I'd never want to get engaged on any of those days!). But everyone constantly talking about my relationship status makes is SO DIFFICULT. Even our families, who are always really supportive and loving and happy that we are taking our time, bring it up sometimes. And now we are planning a trip to go visit my family this Thanksgiving, and we haven't seen them in what will be 5 years when that rolls around. My family in general is very religious, my extended family more than anything, and I just KNOW they're gonna be judgy about us not being engaged, especially since my 20 year old cousin just popped the question to his GF. I'm already stressed.
Despite all this, I clearly really really want that ring! I haven't really looked at any, but I always think about it. BF and I talk about getting married a lot, and despite not agreeing on a timeline we are on the same page and I know that talking about it doesn't help at all. We don't even mean to, it just always comes up. And I had a dream about it last night and it was SO vivid and the dream-ring was so beautiful and I was sad when I woke up and that is why I wrote this post.

tl/dr; I am DREAMING about getting engaged now even though now is not the right time and I need a shovel to the face to bring me back to reality.

ashleybunny8

*kick*    

It can be hard to wait, especially when the people around you CONSTANTLY bring it up. As long as you and BF are happy with where you are, I would really tr hard not to let it get to you. Is there any chance of youand BF having another timeline talk so you can express your feelings about waiting longer?

labro

Here ya go!

You and your BF need to get in to a new hobby together. Are there any local indoor rock climbing places? I have a couple of friends who have REALLY gotten in to rock climbing and they absolutely love it. It's a good workout and it's going to seriously distract your mind too! Otherwise, I just have to wish you luck, tell you to ignore the side commentary as best you can, and keep on trucking. You are both SO young and you definitely need to take your time. There is seriously no need to rush in to things at all and you are definitely going about it the right way.

Although I do think it's important that you and your BF need to work out your differences regarding getting engaged before or after living together. It's not something you need to start talking about rightthissecond, but I do think you need to work it out. Otherwise it could lead to some pain and frustration further down the road.

Loves2dream

I am 35, SO is 37. Neither of us has ever married or have kids. Talk about getting asked all the time after 4 1/2 years together.....I am as fed as up you with people asking so I started a new thing, it's very rude but not as rude as those asking. I ignore the question completely. COMPLETELY. Even in person, I don't respond. I change the subject while rolling my eyes. I am tired of being the nice one during these occurences so I figure if I am just as rude as them, maybe they will stop and you know what? Most of them have now....

As far as going BSC over the enagement, I get that. I have no advice other than keep calm. I agree with labro though, you need to agree on the timeline or have a conversation about it and come to an agreement. You both sound quite young so you have plenty of time and should do what feels right for your relationship whether it's tomorrow or 5 years from now.

Good luck!

untouchablets

ashleybunny8 said:

*kick*    

It can be hard to wait, especially when the people around you CONSTANTLY bring it up. As long as you and BF are happy with where you are, I would really tr hard not to let it get to you. Is there any chance of youand BF having another timeline talk so you can express your feelings about waiting longer?

I have told him that I care more about living together than I do about having a ring, so I'd wait longer if we moved in together sooner. The problem with that is he doesn't work full time all year because he is a fencing coach and the season is only October-February, and he works for a substance abuse program in the summer that is only June-August. He pays tuition out of pocket for school so there's no money for rent lol. I do work full time while in school but make pennies so I have to have a roommate, I can't even afford a studio on my own.

@labro- that pic made me LOL! I agree with you on coming to an agreement about the whole thing but I think after the Thanksgiving trip will be a better time to talk about it. I think I need my own hobby lol, I am hoping to get a car soon and then I'll rejoin my old gym that I loved. Maybe working out again will help.

bethsmiles

I feel like I could have written so much of your post myself! BF and I also got together at 18 and have been together 6.5 years now. We get a lot of annoying questions about our relationship. You just have to keep focused on the fact that you know you are doing what is best for your relationship and tune out the comments and questions about why it hasn't happened yet. People are well-meaning for the most part but it doesn't make it any less annoying!

Dignity100

I would politely tell them that you'd prefer not to talk about it at this time and you'll let them know when you become engaged which probably will not be for a few years.

teddygirl9

I know the feeling. My mom recently got engaged (her first time), and keeps bringing it up to my SO. It also doesn't help that she wants me to goto all these bridal things with her, and I think is hinting in her own way =\ It's already started to slow down, but if it continues I will have to say something to her! Everyone has their own timeline/process, and its not their business what the hold up is.

lavenderfields13

Yeah I feel like I could have written a lot of this too, minus the religious family. I did have the nagging family though! FI and I had been together since we were 20 and 22 and it was over 6.5 years before we got engaged. By that time I wanted to kick anyone who asked "So when are you guys getting married??!!" for the 425,925th time. I think some people in my family started thinking FI (BF at the time) was never going to ask and was stringing me along and that really pissed me off, like who are they to judge our relationship?

I'd kindly ask people to stop asking and that it will happen when you're both ready and there's no rush. I think most people mean well but it's SO annoying.

500days

I agree with @labro, you should find a hobby or start a project to keep your mind off of it. Don't let your friends' questions get to you. It sounds like you should figure out the living situation timeline before you even talk about an engagement or wedding timeline.

megso16

I know the feeling. SO and I haven't even been together THAT long, but people love the "why aren't you engaged yet?" Simply put, because we're not. What that real reason is isn't their concern, it's only ours to know (I really don't know why honestly). I'm also in that lovely boat of all of my friends are getting married. It's just how it all goes. My favorite hobby is white wine and Ryan Adams  

untouchablets

lavenderfields13 said:

Yeah I feel like I could have written a lot of this too, minus the religious family. I did have the nagging family though! FI and I had been together since we were 20 and 22 and it was over 6.5 years before we got engaged. By that time I wanted to kick anyone who asked "So when are you guys getting married??!!" for the 425,925th time. I think some people in my family started thinking FI (BF at the time) was never going to ask and was stringing me along and that really pissed me off, like who are they to judge our relationship?

I'd kindly ask people to stop asking and that it will happen when you're both ready and there's no rush. I think most people mean well but it's SO annoying.

YESS someone has actually said that to me. I was so insulted, because anyone who knows me knows I am not one to be taken advantage of. My best friend, the biggest perpetrator of this whole thing, truly believed at one point that he was just stringing me along. It was actually her mom who talked some sense into her lol.

500days said:

I agree with @labro, you should find a hobby or start a project to keep your mind off of it. Don't let your friends' questions get to you. It sounds like you should figure out the living situation timeline before you even talk about an engagement or wedding timeline.

The only unknown variable in the living situation is when will he get a job in his field. We know for sure that our moving date is going to be within a month of two of him working full time as a nurse. It's taken a while but we at least have a plan! School is just a priority for both of us right now. He has a psychology degree already, but decided to go to nursing school shortly after graduating when he realized how few options he had in psych. He has always wanted to work in a hospital setting, so it made sense for him to go back to school. It just feels like SUCH a long way away until his actual graduation even though time has moved really quickly since he started this past fall. I am not a very patient woman lol

bethsmiles

untouchablets said:

lavenderfields13 said:

Yeah I feel like I could have written a lot of this too, minus the religious family. I did have the nagging family though! FI and I had been together since we were 20 and 22 and it was over 6.5 years before we got engaged. By that time I wanted to kick anyone who asked "So when are you guys getting married??!!" for the 425,925th time. I think some people in my family started thinking FI (BF at the time) was never going to ask and was stringing me along and that really pissed me off, like who are they to judge our relationship?

I'd kindly ask people to stop asking and that it will happen when you're both ready and there's no rush. I think most people mean well but it's SO annoying.

YESS someone has actually said that to me. I was so insulted, because anyone who knows me knows I am not one to be taken advantage of. My best friend, the biggest perpetrator of this whole thing, truly believed at one point that he was just stringing me along. It was actually her mom who talked some sense into her lol.

I've gotten that before too! That attitude more than anything else pisses me off! 

arrrghmatey

lavenderfields13 said:

Yeah I feel like I could have written a lot of this too, minus the religious family. I did have the nagging family though! FI and I had been together since we were 20 and 22 and it was over 6.5 years before we got engaged. By that time I wanted to kick anyone who asked "So when are you guys getting married??!!" for the 425,925th time. I think some people in my family started thinking FI (BF at the time) was never going to ask and was stringing me along and that really pissed me off, like who are they to judge our relationship?

I'd kindly ask people to stop asking and that it will happen when you're both ready and there's no rush. I think most people mean well but it's SO annoying.

Oh yes, ditto here. Just because my sisters got married at 21 and 26, they thought that because I was years behind them that my FI was never going to ask and just reaping the benefits. I was 30 when he did ask back in October and we had been dating for over 3 years. I basically told my family the same thing, and told them that they should be happy that I'm with someone who actually treats me well as opposed to my previous bad relationship. The kicker was that everyone *likes* him, a lot. So I told them they should be ashamed of themselves for making such an assumption.

It really got bad when my sister's nosy (and very Catholic) in-laws started prodding whenever I went to visit my sister out of state. They were SO condescending about it and talking about how wrong it was for him to make me hold out, and wondering what was making him hesitate. I finally said to them, "Oh, we've decided to not get married. We're just going to live in sin. Things are great!"

Not saying you should do this, but it worked for me and it was worth putting them and their rudeness in their place.

untouchablets

arrrghmatey said:

It really got bad when my sister's nosy (and very Catholic) in-laws started prodding whenever I went to visit my sister out of state. They were SO condescending about it and talking about how wrong it was for him to make me hold out, and wondering what was making him hesitate. I finally said to them, "Oh, we've decided to not get married. We're just going to live in sin. Things are great!"

Not saying you should do this, but it worked for me and it was worth putting them and their rudeness in their place.

That sounds exactly like something I would say lol

drunkenwitch

For BF and I, it's not our family it's our damn friends, bless their hearts.

BF and I have been together for 4 years, I am 39 he is 35 and we are perfectly happy with the pace we are at.  Sure, we're talking marriage and future together, yes we have plans to move into this summer.  Perhaps we'll be married next year, perhaps in 3 more years.  Neither of want kids (Lords of Light did I thank every Goddess I could think of for sending me a childfree man), so we don't see the rush.

Our friends are going fucking round the bend over the top BSC about our "WEDDING".  Seriously, a few already started planning it and asking if they were going to be bridesmaids (although why anyone wants to be a bridesmaid is beyond me).  I have had to stomp those notions out left, right and center.  When BF and I do decide we are ready it will immediate family, no fuss, no frills, simple intimate ceremony.  You won't believe the number of people that have had hissy fits about this, yes, grown ass adults are having hissy fits about possible wedding that might take place in the future.

I love them, I do, in all other ways they are the best friends you could ask for, but they seriously need to chill about THE WEDDING (the one that does not exist yet).

katiekessler123

This is super annoying and super rude!  I went through a similar situation.  My husband and I were together for about 4 years before getting engaged, but we were both 30 when we got engaged.  Because we were SOOOOO OLD (or at least that's how other made it out), people kept saying a variety of these things:

telling me that if we knew we knew and don't wait

what's the hold up, get engaged now

if you want to have kids you better not wait

It really pissed me off. It was no one else's business, and let's be honest, I was not willing to force my then boyfriend to propose to me.  I wanted it to be something we both wanted, not something I forced him into.  Eventually it happened when the time was right.  One other note, one of my male friends that was married at the time was one of the biggest offenders of this.  Seriously it got to the point where I didn't even want to see him bc I knew he was inevitably question me about why my bf and I weren't engaged yet etc.  HE actually ended up getting divorced shortly after I got engaged. He apologized profusely to me at that point for pressuring me, said he realized only after his marriage fell apart that it's not right to rush into a marriage etc.  All I can say is I feel your pain and it'll happen when the time is right. 

 

katiekessler123

BTW, after you get married the question just switches to "when are you going to have kids?"  Also super annoying and super rude.