Friendship not the same with my MOH- what to do?

[Deleted User]

well, my wedding was a few months ago, and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with some guilt and confusion I feel with my MOH.....

She dropped out 3 weeks before the wedding because she found out her dad was really ill. He lived out of state, and passed away a couple months following the wedding. I felt awful for her and was so shocked with the timing, and part of me really wanted her to still be in the wedding even though I realistically understood. My dad is also not well- he has ALS- and the irony of the situation was just so sad. I feel guilty for wishing she could've still been in the wedding somehow....and I'm afraid with my own stress of the wedding and my dad, I wasn't there for her in a way that she would've wanted or I could have been. I told her I love her and anything she needed to let me know, but I felt like at times I was being too pushy with trying to be there for her, and then at other times gave her too much space as a result?

[Deleted User]

after the wedding was over I found out I upset her in a couple ways. One, she was upset that I'd told several of my friends that I was sad she couldn't be in the wedding because her dad was ill. This was before the wedding. She thought that should've been private. And two, she was upset that at the beginning of the ceremony, my husband and I asked the minister to briefly state that " our thoughts and love were with the MOH, who couldn't be with us today due to a medical emergency with her father." I thought this was a nice way of honoring the work she'd done as MOH before she had to drop out, and also briefly state why she wasn't there without giving too much information. But she didn't like it, and I feel really badly. I didn't want to replace her as MOH and kept her in the wedding program. It was just one bridesmaid in the party and the bridesmaid knew I wanted to keep the MOH in the program. My MOH did too, and was ok with that.

I just don't want to lose her as a friend.....was I really in the wrong, and did I make some unforgivable mistakes?

[Deleted User]

I don't think anything is unforgivable. Death is a really difficult thing to cope with and an even more difficult thing to try to help out with. It's a situation that is so unbelievably hard to navigate that all you can do is your best.

All you can do is apologize for not keeping the information private, explain that you understand why she is mad that you told other people her dad was ill and that you weren't really thinking. As far as the minister saying something to honor her-- again you were just trying to recognize her in some way and make her a part of this special time. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place... is she really mad about this stuff or just simply grieving and needing someone to let her frustrations out on?

It was either act and say what you did or pretend she didn't exist... there's not really a happy medium. Just let her know you  love her and are there for her. You know her best-- if she needs more prodding for help then be more insistent. If she needs more time to grief then give her space. Or just ask her what she needs from you so that you can help her through this time

jacques27

Unforgiveable?  No.  But it wasn't your news to tell.  You did have the option of keeping her in the program AND not saying anything to call attention to it.  If anyone asked later at the reception, you could have said "Unfortunately, something came up last minute and she couldn't make it."  But that ship sailed.

Apologize.

Then when you're done apologizing, be her friend.  Grieving is individual and often people don't know what they want in terms of help.  Some people want space, others want to pretend like everything is fine.  Most aren't going to call attention to themselves and say "Oh, yeah, here's a list of things I was just waiting for someone to ask that you can do for me."  So, it is on you to take the initiative - you don't have to smother her, but think of nice things you can do.  Since it's been a few months now, some of these might not be that effective, but I generally will bring over a meal, show up and walk the dog, go visit and check out the fridge and do some grocery shopping for them if it looks like they are low on staples.  A few months out though, I probably would still bring over a dinner.  Maybe a pampering basket (a good movie, some chocolate, maybe some lotion or a favorite lip balm).  And most importantly, ask her how she is doing and talk about her dad.  If you knew him, tell her some of your favorite memories of him or if you didn't know him, ask her about her favorite memories.  Stop acting like it didn't happen and stop putting the responsibility on her to tell you what she needs - just do nice things and be a friend.