Name Nightmares: FH and I having trouble figuring out name change

ReginaLambert13

ReginaLambert13

Just wanted to mention that I have no clue how that link half way through appeared.  I did not put it there.

larrygaga

what the hell is happening with your font and what is that link? Not many people on this site are single and looking to date if you are trying to sell us something.

themosthappy91

Okay I don't want to be hyperbolic or anything but honestly I think you have a bigger problem on your hands than changing your name.  You seem to absolutely HATE his family- which, to be fair, lots of people don't get along with their in-laws, but at the same time I don't think many would describe them as "skin-crawlingly bad" either.   It sounds like your FI is still invested in having his family in his life and therefore yours (I'm assuming this based on the fact that you mention your FMIL would be furious if he changed his name, so obviously they are still in the picture if that is a consideration), and I can't see how that's going to work if you feel that way about them.  You mention that the two of you plan on kids- his parents are going to be their grandparents.  That is a way more significant connection to them than sharing their name- your children will literally share their DNA!  Can you handle that fact?  

I hope for your sake you and FI have discussed and are continuing to discuss what role his parents will play in your lives, in terms of how much you interact with them, what you envision their role as grandparents to your future children being etc.  When your feelings about them are this strong, there's no time for delay on making sure you and he are on the same page about this.  

That being said, personally I would choose to take his name, keep my name, or hyphenate rather than going back in your family tree for a whole new name.  It doesn't seem like your FI is comfortable with that idea and he shouldn't HAVE to change his name any more than you should have to change yours if he doesn't want to.  I think your best option is to just keep your name for now and if/when kids come you can revisit what last name they will have and if you all want to share the same one.  I agree that personalized doormats and monogrammed matching towels are cute, but unless the "fun" of getting to experience that outweighs your negative feelings about the name, just don't bother.  

ReginaLambert13

    

ReginaLambert13

     

larrygaga

ReginaLambert13 said:

redoryx

So you both want to share a name, you don't want kids to be hyphenated, you don't want to make up a new last name, and you don't want to share your last name with his horrible family. 

Why doesn't he change HIS last name to YOURS? I mean, if you don't like his family that much anyway who cares if his mom freaks out about it?

climbingsingle

I think you need to let go of the issues with the name. I had a very uncommon maiden name. A lot of people on my dad's side did shitty things with that name. My grandparents were fall down drunks. My grandfather cheated with every woman in his neighborhood. My cousin is a heroin addict and has been arrested 30 times. My uncle - that's a whole other long, crazy story. When you live in a small county where everybody knows everybody, you get asked things when people find out your last name. "Are you related to so-and-so?" 

Well, those terrible things my relatives did do not and did not ever define me as a person. I separated myself from that. I owned my last name, and I loved it. 

Regardless of how these people have treated you, there is someone with that same last name that loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Focus on that, and the love he's brought you. 

theartistformerlyknownas

I couldn't even read that between the giant font (on mobile) and all the line breaks.

mikenberger

I would either have him take my name or GTFOver my issues with his last name. 

flutteringinfl

If you're not willing to take his name, and he's not willing to take your name (just as reasonable as your wishes), and you don't want to hyphenate, then I think you need to let go of this wish to have your family be one singular last name unit. You say the idea of having the same last name as his parents makes your skin crawl. To me, that sounds like a bigger deal than being able to put the same name on the doormat. But I also think it's really overdramatic to think that way. As @climbingwife said, the actions and attitudes of others with the same last name as you don't define you as a person.

Have you thought about combining your last names? I knew a kid when I was little whose last name was Zimmerglass. His parents combined their last names of Zimmerman and Glassman to make a new one.

blabla89

lolo883 said:

I couldn't even read that between the giant font (on mobile) and all the line breaks.

lyndausvi

I'm not sure why you can't just keep your maiden name?

Anyway, DH's father is MIA.  When MIL divorced him (when he was in jail) and married someone else he told his son he has a new daddy now and has NEVER contacted his sons again.  Not once. DH was 7.  Through another ex we found out the dad has told everyone including lawyers and ex-wives he had no kids.   That ex only found out about DH when she was doing some forensic accounting getting ready for the divorce she came across DH's name and SSN.

My DH has a lot of issues from his dad abandoning and disowning him.     He has even more issues from his "new daddy" who beat the living crap out of him.  Can you imagine loving your father and he basically saying "hey I don't want to be your dad anymore, so here is a new one.  Oh and  he is going to beat you (physically and emotionally).  Have a good life."

My point is even though DH's name comes from a complete asshole (in DH's case he shares his whole name with his dad) I don't look at his last name like you do. DH's last name is just that, DH's last name.  I do not associated with the man who abandoned his son, the man who went to jail and all the other bad stuff.  I associate his last name with the wonderful man I married.  

I did hyphenate, but find myself just using his last name socially.   

Do what you want.   I find your hate towards a last name a little unsettling. 

theartistformerlyknownas

blabla89 said:

lolo883 said:

I couldn't even read that between the giant font (on mobile) and all the line breaks.

Dang straight. At least I didn't try to give advice after not reading.

southernbelle0915

I agree with your mom here. Although I can completely sympathize with not wanting to share a family name with a bunch of people who despise you, it's HIS name - the guy you love and are marrying. It also happens to be their name, but you taking the name is because want to take HIS name. It's not about his relatives.

If you decide you can't get over it, then keep your last name. Problem solved. 

Then you ask about children. Why can't they have your last name? Because you're a woman and he's a man? Please reflect on your reasons and talk to him about this option. It's not ridiculous to equally consider your last name for future kids. Hell, why can't y'all equally consider your last name for y'alls family name? Again, is it just because you're a women or are there other reasons?

DH and I had struggles with this. He wanted to keep his name, I wanted to keep mine. Yet we both wanted a family name. I ended up keeping mine and he kept his, so no family name. For kids, we're hyphenating. He actually suggested that the two of us both hyphenate as well. We haven't acted on that yet though.

charlottesmom0626

I think you're freaking out over nothing to be honest.

 Google your own last name- I'm sure somewhere someone in time did something horrible with that as their last name. Their mistakes had NOTHING to do with you. They don't define you.

KatieinBkln

Float the idea of having him take your last name--solves the "family unit shares one name" problem without asking you both to completely ignore history/heritage by finding something new.

I also like the idea of combining your names into one new one. It wouldn't work for me, but it does seem like an option worth considering in this case. 

But ultimately? You both might have to be prepared to compromise. That might look like any number of things, but the most obvious to me is the version where you keep your maiden name, but the future kids get his name. Or maybe you get over your hyphenation distaste and the kids rock the hyphen. I do think that in situations like these, couples have to be willing to cede whatever ground they can stomach.  

VulgarGirl

I know this is going to sound off the wall. I mean some really crazy shit. Just this wild idea I had. Brace yourself for it. Ready?

He. Could. Take. Your. Last. Name.

Boom problem solved. 

ReginaLambert13

     

VulgarGirl

So...he can't change his last name then? Cause I mean...that kind of sounds like a magically perfect solution.

luckya23

ReginaLambert13 said:

Since so many people commented on this I just want to respond to it.  It has NOTHING to do with somehow being embarrassed to be associated with his family or thinking that since they are bad people I don't want their name because I somehow look at it as having a name like Hitler or something.  I don't want their name because they have been shit to ME.  Your family name is a unifying factor and I will never consider myself part of their family.  They hate me without knowing me and that is why I dislike them.  Taking their name would be a form of joining their family which is not happening.  Even FH dislikes them at this point.  If people had bad experiences and still kept their names or took their partners name after a bad experience that's great for them, but after being called a slut by a Mrs.LASTNAME I don't exactly want to be one.

As I said a couple times in my post, I wasn't expecting anyone to come up with a magically perfect solution I was just more hoping to commiserate.

But you ARE joining their family either way, just as I am joining FI's family even though I'm not changing my name. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Yeah you're joining their family no matter what your name is. Whether/how you cut them out of your life has nothing to do with what your name is.

lovegood90

What's so horrible about just keeping your last name and not sharing a last name? You're still a family regardless of the semantics.

climbingsingle

Maybe you should look at this as you and your FI creating your own family, not joining theirs.

lurkergirl

This is so fucking dumb.  What's your plan for when you have actual, real problems?

southernbelle0915

So I'm still confused why he can't take your last name. Its a perfect solution - you don't have their last name (win), y'all share a name (win), and you'll be clear on passing a name down to your kids (win).

If the only reason y'all aren't considering this is because you're a woman, I really think you have bigger issues than just the name.

themosthappy91

No matter what you say you are joining his family, and you will be a part of his family until the moment he agrees to completely cut ties with them. Saying he dislikes them or he'll cut them off if they "keep being mean to you in the future" is way different than actually following through on that action.

I'll ask once again- if you are this upset about possibly being perceived as "part of his family", how are you going to deal with having kids who will be part of his family not just in name but in blood?

larrygaga

lolo883 said:

blabla89 said:

lolo883 said:

I couldn't even read that between the giant font (on mobile) and all the line breaks.

Dang straight. At least I didn't try to give advice after not reading.

Confession: Sometimes when there is a long boring stupid post I read the first 3 sentences and post without reading any other comment. 

You guys could probably tell. 

VerizonGirl

FI needs to address any problems with HIS family.
They are NOT your family, nor your concern.
If his family does not approve of who he dates, then HE steps in and takes that bullet, and makes sure this issue DOES NOT TOUCH YOU IN ANY WAY, and HE takes care of it with HIS family.
You don't get involved with who said what and who was "shit to you" or anything else. 
That's FI's family.  And he takes care of it to the point where YOU are not hurt/resentful/whatever.

Then you change your last name to his, like this: 
Maybe you should look at this as you and your FI creating your own family, not joining theirs.

mikenberger