Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

Having a difficult time with our choice in pastor

My finace is a fire fighter and he suggested we use his department Chaplain to officiate our wedding. He is a pastor in the community and has known my fiance for 10 plus years. I agreed even though I'm an Atheist and he's an agnostic becuase fiance told me his Chaplain understood our belifs and that whatever we wanted for a ceremony was fine with him. Now we have met with him and I expressed that I wanted a ceremony without God involved and the Pastor's reply to me was that my family would be offended if I had a Secular ceremony. I also said how awkward I would feel having a prayer at OUR WEDDING ceremony since we wouldn't be participating and he told me no one will call me a hypocrite and not to worry. My fiance isn't a Christian, but it doesn't bother him if there is some included. Fiance is indifferent about whether there is or isn't Religion involved and I'm not. I feel nervous to have to agree to something I don't believe in for the most important part of my day. Now the wedding is about 40 days away and I don't feel confident. I want my Fiance to be happy, but then I'm not happy. The Chaplain is a friend of ours and I don't want to let him down either.
Do I just let it go or do I stand up for myself more? I don't want this to cause issues between me and my Fiance, but it is causing issues for me within myself. I appreciate your advice and points of view.

Re: Having a difficult time with our choice in pastor

  • I think you should talk to the Chaplain again and be honest with him. Send him an e-mail or a letter if you do better in writing. Tell him that you feel like your last conversation with him you weren't being as clear as you should have been and you apologize for that. Tell him that because he is a friend of yours you really care about him and it has a lot of meaning for you and your fiance to have him officiate your wedding. Tell him that you have to admit that you are feeling stressed out about the ceremony and you would really appreciate if he could confirm some things with you- it would take aload off of your shoulders.
    For your ceremony you don't want God to be mentioned and you don't want a prayer said. You aren't worried about what your guests will think but you are worried about what is in your own heart. You can't say things you don't believe during your ceremony because you are committing to your husband-to-be and you want everything to be from your heart and truthful. Let him know that you understand that his beliefs are different and you 100% respect that but you just need to know that he is in agreement to leave those things out of the ceremony. If he's not comfortable to leave them out, you need to know now. But you hope that he understands and is willing to be flexible to make sure that everyone involved is happy with the ceremony. Thank him so much for taking the time to get back to you and make it sound like you believe that it was your mistake in not being more clear in your last conversation. Avoid conflict. And if you send it in the written form sign it from both you and your fiance. (With FI's permission, of course.)
  • call it a blessing rather than a prayer?   If you ar an Athiest then you really only want somebody to do the deed in a nice way .. Just simply say what you need to say and trust him to respect your wishes as a friend.  It will be OK... Sounds more like you are just plain nervous. 
  • I would recommend doing what you need to do to be comfortable.

    At my first wedding, my husband and I tweaked the ceremony the officiant provided us, and we wrote our own vows.  We went over all of this with the officiant (who was a pastor in a local church, though he offered to do secular ceremonies as well).  Anyway, long story short, we didn't bother with a rehearsal, and he somehow forgot that we had changed our ceremony/vows, and went back to his "stock" ceremony and vows during our ceremony.  I was mortified!!!!   We had specifically omitted/changed words to fit our particular beliefs, and there we were, stuck up in front of everyone, saying things we ddin't really believe in.   It was awful.

    My point is, please don't put yourself in a situation where you feel uncomfortable at your own wedding.  Speak up   NOW so you're not standing there on your wedding day feeling horrible.
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  • The problem here is that he's a pastor, so he's going to expect that prayers are involved, or else you wouldn't have asked him.  It might be better to go with a different officiant, if you can find one at this late of a date - maybe a judge or another civil person who would be willing to perform the ceremony.  
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  • Like PP said, keep in mind he is a Pastor.  He will want religion to be in your wedding in some way or another.  If that bothers you, find someone else to do it.
  • Get a new officiant. It's not that hard. We hired our JOP about 30 days out and she did an amazing job personalizing a lovely, secular ceremony. 


  • I'd go with another officiant, TBH. You just reminded me to call my officiant's secretary tomorrow and make sure the ceremony she's sending over is secular.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_having-difficult-time-choice-pastor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4c62a854-1338-4320-a8f8-9a587b082bf7Post:9fd44bdc-7e6e-47af-aafe-1efb58dfb1a3">Re: Having a difficult time with our choice in pastor</a>:
    [QUOTE]Like PP said, <strong>keep in mind he is a Pastor</strong>.  <strong>He will want religion to be in your wedding in some way or another</strong>.  <em>If that bothers you, find someone else to do it.
    </em>Posted by Grits8812[/QUOTE]

    This.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_having-difficult-time-choice-pastor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4c62a854-1338-4320-a8f8-9a587b082bf7Post:52bb1e84-6a11-46d5-9f0b-307276d6d941">Having a difficult time with our choice in pastor</a>:
    [QUOTE]My finace is a fire fighter and he suggested we use his department Chaplain to officiate our wedding. He is a pastor in the community and has known my fiance for 10 plus years. I agreed even though I'm an Atheist and he's an agnostic becuase <strong>fiance told me his Chaplain understood our belifs and that whatever we wanted for a ceremony was fine with him. Now we have met with him and I expressed that I wanted a ceremony without God involved and the Pastor's reply to me was that my family would be offended if I had a Secular ceremony. I also said how awkward I would feel having a prayer at OUR WEDDING ceremony since we wouldn't be participating and he told me no one will call me a hypocrite and not to worry.</strong> My fiance isn't a Christian, but it doesn't bother him if there is some included. Fiance is indifferent about whether there is or isn't Religion involved and I'm not. I feel nervous to have to agree to something I don't believe in for the most important part of my day. Now the wedding is about 40 days away and I don't feel confident. I want my Fiance to be happy, but then I'm not happy. The Chaplain is a friend of ours and I don't want to let him down either. Do I just let it go or do I stand up for myself more? I don't want this to cause issues between me and my Fiance, but it is causing issues for me within myself. I appreciate your advice and points of view.
    Posted by phonehome[/QUOTE]

    This bugs me. It sounds like the Chaplin knew what you guys wanted when he agreed to do it, but now he's having second thoughts. Yes, he is a minister and may "need" to add a religious component, but it sounds like he wasn't necessarily upfront with you guys about it from the beginning - or your fiance misunderstood him. And it doesn't matter if no one "calls you a hypocrite", you will still feel like one having a ceremony that does not reflect your beliefs.

    If the Chaplin is a friend of your fiance's, invite him to the wedding, but do not have him officiate.

    Good luck!
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