Wedding Etiquette Forum

Should I tell my family?


I don't want to invite my family to my wedding for personal reasons. Should I at least let them know that i'm getting married rather than them hearing from the grape vine?

Re: Should I tell my family?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'd let them know you're getting married but not discuss it further.
    BPLuvsPB
  • Jen4948 said:

    I'd let them know you're getting married but not discuss it further.

    So I should just say "I just wanted to let you know I'm getting married." Nothing less or more?
  • Are you having a private wedding? Just you, your FI and your witnesses? If so, I might just straight up elope and tell them after (soon after, though...) and that might help avoid any protest you might get over them not being invited. 

    If you are inviting other guests, though, it might be best to tell them before hand.

    I guess without knowing the specific family dynamics here, it's really difficult to give a good answer.

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    BPLuvsPB said:

    Jen4948 said:

    I'd let them know you're getting married but not discuss it further.

    So I should just say "I just wanted to let you know I'm getting married." Nothing less or more?
    Do they know the person you're marrying?
  • BPLuvsPB said:


    I don't want to invite my family to my wedding for personal reasons. Should I at least let them know that i'm getting married rather than them hearing from the grape vine?
    Not inviting them is fine. But unless you just have no contact with them at all I don't know why you wouldn't even mention it.
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  • BPLuvsPBBPLuvsPB member
    First Comment
    edited May 2015
    Jen4948 said:

    BPLuvsPB said:

    Jen4948 said:

    I'd let them know you're getting married but not discuss it further.

    So I should just say "I just wanted to let you know I'm getting married." Nothing less or more?
    Do they know the person you're marrying?
    No they don't. We were never that close. I dated him in HS but i'm sure they wouldn't remember. The thing is they are my Aunt and Uncle they adopted me after my mom passed away when I was long. They see things a different way than I do. And can sometimes...most of the time be very judgmental so I don't want my Panda(FI) family feel uncomfortable. I on the other hand am different I see the good and all no matter what so it also annoys me. We're deciding between just us and a witness OR a small wedding. Either way we'll be waiting till (he comes back from sea in 2 years) to have a big wedding.  
  • BPLuvsPB said:


    I don't want to invite my family to my wedding for personal reasons. Should I at least let them know that i'm getting married rather than them hearing from the grape vine?
    Not inviting them is fine. But unless you just have no contact with them at all I don't know why you wouldn't even mention it.

    I didn't say I wouldn't. I wanted to know how/when I should tell them. If I should mention a date etc. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    BPLuvsPB said:

    Jen4948 said:

    BPLuvsPB said:

    Jen4948 said:

    I'd let them know you're getting married but not discuss it further.

    So I should just say "I just wanted to let you know I'm getting married." Nothing less or more?
    Do they know the person you're marrying?
    No they don't. We were never that close. I dated him in HS but i'm sure they wouldn't remember. The thing is they are my Aunt and Uncle they adopted me after my mom passed away when I was long. They see things a different way than I do. And can sometimes...most of the time be very judgmental so I don't want my Panda(FI) family feel uncomfortable. I on the other hand am different I see the good and all no matter what so it also annoys me. We're deciding between just us and a witness OR a small wedding. Either way we'll be waiting till (he comes back from sea in 2 years) to have a big wedding.  



    What do you mean by "a big wedding?" You seem to understand that this small wedding is your wedding, and you'll be married afterwards - that's the only "wedding" you get, because a wedding by definition is an event where two people become actually wed. That  can only happen once, unless you get divorced in between.

    Would you be planning to reenact an event that happened two years prior for show? Because that's ridiculous. Feel free to save up and have a large party to celebrate your marriage, but if you're getting married now, don't do anything at that party that pretends you're a bride and groom - no vows, bridal party, etc. Big fancy white dress is iffy. You'll have been a husband and wife for two years - if people know, they will find this silly play-acting; if people don't know, they'll rightfully be offended if they find out you lied to them for two years. Just throw a kickass party, if you want, and host it well.

    huskypuppy14
  • BPLuvsPB said:

    Jen4948 said:

    BPLuvsPB said:

    Jen4948 said:

    I'd let them know you're getting married but not discuss it further.

    So I should just say "I just wanted to let you know I'm getting married." Nothing less or more?
    Do they know the person you're marrying?
    No they don't. We were never that close. I dated him in HS but i'm sure they wouldn't remember. The thing is they are my Aunt and Uncle they adopted me after my mom passed away when I was long. They see things a different way than I do. And can sometimes...most of the time be very judgmental so I don't want my Panda(FI) family feel uncomfortable. I on the other hand am different I see the good and all no matter what so it also annoys me. We're deciding between just us and a witness OR a small wedding. Either way we'll be waiting till (he comes back from sea in 2 years) to have a big wedding.  



    What do you mean by "a big wedding?" You seem to understand that this small wedding is your wedding, and you'll be married afterwards - that's the only "wedding" you get, because a wedding by definition is an event where two people become actually wed. That  can only happen once, unless you get divorced in between.

    Would you be planning to reenact an event that happened two years prior for show? Because that's ridiculous. Feel free to save up and have a large party to celebrate your marriage, but if you're getting married now, don't do anything at that party that pretends you're a bride and groom - no vows, bridal party, etc. Big fancy white dress is iffy. You'll have been a husband and wife for two years - if people know, they will find this silly play-acting; if people don't know, they'll rightfully be offended if they find out you lied to them for two years. Just throw a kickass party, if you want, and host it well.


    I appreciate your concerns but I believe you misunderstood what I actually meant. I guess my wording was wrong. But I don't plan on having a "reenacting" or doing some sort of fake wedding. That seems really messed up and just wrong. We plan on renewing our vows once he comes back and at that time we'll invite everyone. That is what I meant....

    Thank you Jen. I know what to do about the situation. 
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think a wedding is a big enough deal that no matter the family dynamic, you should say something. If a phone call is too awkward, maybe an e-mail or a mailed announcement. Something from you, not word of mouth. But, that's my opinion. 

    Eh, a vow renewal after two years is generally too soon, but considering your betrothed is coming back from sea, personally I'd attend. Like others said, as long as guests know it's a renewal or celebration of marriage, they have an informed choice of whether or not to attend the party. 
    ________________________________


  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited May 2015
    BPLuvsPB said:
    I'd let them know you're getting married but not discuss it further.
    So I should just say "I just wanted to let you know I'm getting married." Nothing less or more?
    Do they know the person you're marrying?
    No they don't. We were never that close. I dated him in HS but i'm sure they wouldn't remember. The thing is they are my Aunt and Uncle they adopted me after my mom passed away when I was long. They see things a different way than I do. And can sometimes...most of the time be very judgmental so I don't want my Panda(FI) family feel uncomfortable. I on the other hand am different I see the good and all no matter what so it also annoys me. We're deciding between just us and a witness OR a small wedding. Either way we'll be waiting till (he comes back from sea in 2 years) to have a big wedding.  
    Thanks.  But if you have any kind of marriage ceremony between now and when he comes back, that's your wedding.  You can have a big celebration later, but please don't call it a "big wedding" because weddings don't follow weddings to the same person if there hasn't been a divorce in between.

    As far as your aunt and uncle go, even if you don't invite them (which you're not required to do by etiquette), I would still let them know that you're marrying your FI, so they know who to contact for legal and emergency purposes if that becomes necessary.

    Edited to add: I'd throw an anniversary party instead of a "vow renewal" after only 2 years of marriage.
    redoryxemmaaa[Deleted User]mollybarker11
  • I'd let them know you're getting married but not discuss it further.
    So I should just say "I just wanted to let you know I'm getting married." Nothing less or more?
    Do they know the person you're marrying?
    No they don't. We were never that close. I dated him in HS but i'm sure they wouldn't remember. The thing is they are my Aunt and Uncle they adopted me after my mom passed away when I was long. They see things a different way than I do. And can sometimes...most of the time be very judgmental so I don't want my Panda(FI) family feel uncomfortable. I on the other hand am different I see the good and all no matter what so it also annoys me. We're deciding between just us and a witness OR a small wedding. Either way we'll be waiting till (he comes back from sea in 2 years) to have a big wedding.  

    What do you mean by "a big wedding?" You seem to understand that this small wedding is your wedding, and you'll be married afterwards - that's the only "wedding" you get, because a wedding by definition is an event where two people become actually wed. That  can only happen once, unless you get divorced in between.

    Would you be planning to reenact an event that happened two years prior for show? Because that's ridiculous. Feel free to save up and have a large party to celebrate your marriage, but if you're getting married now, don't do anything at that party that pretends you're a bride and groom - no vows, bridal party, etc. Big fancy white dress is iffy. You'll have been a husband and wife for two years - if people know, they will find this silly play-acting; if people don't know, they'll rightfully be offended if they find out you lied to them for two years. Just throw a kickass party, if you want, and host it well.


    I appreciate your concerns but I believe you misunderstood what I actually meant. I guess my wording was wrong. But I don't plan on having a "reenacting" or doing some sort of fake wedding. That seems really messed up and just wrong. We plan on renewing our vows once he comes back and at that time we'll invite everyone. That is what I meant....

    Thank you Jen. I know what to do about the situation. 
    Okay. A vow renewal after two years (basically anything that's not a significant milestone, like 25 or 50, and definitely anything before you've made it 5 years) is very silly to me (and many other people here) and I wouldn't bother to spend time and money to attend if I were your friends and family. But since you're not pretending and they can choose freely whether or not to attend, it's not an etiquette issue.
    This. Why are you renewing your vows after 2 years? IMO, there are vow renewals and then there are thinly veiled PPDs masquerading as vow renewals.

    Anyway, for any party, you can invite whoever you want or not invite whoever you want. You know your family dynamic best.
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    redoryxlovegood90
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    First, don't have a vow renewal. Just have a party. No wedding parties, big dresses, first dances, bridal showers, bach parties, etc. Just a party.

    Second, if you don't talk to your Aunt and Uncle, I think it would be really weird to just call them and say "Hi, I am getting married." It invites a bunch of questions that you might not want to answer.

    Send a wedding announcement out after you get married.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would nix the vow renewal and just have a "welcome home" party for your FI when he gets back.

    As for your Aunt and Uncle, I would at least tell them what you are planning.  How they see the world compared to you doesn't matter.  You are an adult and are allowed to make whatever choices you wish.  They have the right to not agree with those choices.  But I think out of respect to them I would tell them that you are planning on getting married.  Better to hear it from you then seeing it on FB or being told by someone who heard to from someone else.

    [Deleted User]
  • Listen. I understand your concerns but having a vow renewal after 2 years is fine. You all may not like it but I have looked it up and having one after you may have eloped or small wedding isn't that bad. I also wasn't even the one who came up with the idea my FI wants to do that and I see no problem with it so I'm not going to say "no".If you don't like the idea that's fine but that has nothing to do with my original post. I also don't believe there's a law that says you can't try to have a wedding you couldn't have in the first place so I appreciate your opinion but that was unnecessary. 

    Also you keep bringing up the point that I worded things wrong I already said my wording was wrong so I'm not sure what else I can do for you. 

    Thank you KatWag I'll keep that in mind. I'm not so good with talking with them so that may be an easier way for me since writing to them has always ended better. 

    --

    I understand all you guys may be mad about how we decided to go about things but all I wanted to know was a simple question not for you to judge. I just wanted some simple help about how I should tell them because I do RESPECT them enough to tell them but I don't want to come off like I don't actually care about them. If I didn't I wouldn't be posing this question. I understand some of you are experience but the way you came off is alittle....."it has to be this way or it's not the same" and I'm sure not every wedding is the same. How we choose to celebrate does diminish the sanctity of the wedding ceremony.  

    Thank you for your help but I've received my answer. You have a wonderful life. 
  • BPLuvsPB said:
    Listen. I understand your concerns but having a vow renewal after 2 years is fine. You all may not like it but I have looked it up and having one after you may have eloped or small wedding isn't that bad. I also wasn't even the one who came up with the idea my FI wants to do that and I see no problem with it so I'm not going to say "no".If you don't like the idea that's fine but that has nothing to do with my original post. I also don't believe there's a law that says you can't try to have a wedding you couldn't have in the first place so I appreciate your opinion but that was unnecessary. 

    Also you keep bringing up the point that I worded things wrong I already said my wording was wrong so I'm not sure what else I can do for you. 

    Thank you KatWag I'll keep that in mind. I'm not so good with talking with them so that may be an easier way for me since writing to them has always ended better. 

    --

    I understand all you guys may be mad about how we decided to go about things but all I wanted to know was a simple question not for you to judge. I just wanted some simple help about how I should tell them because I do RESPECT them enough to tell them but I don't want to come off like I don't actually care about them. If I didn't I wouldn't be posing this question. I understand some of you are experience but the way you came off is alittle....."it has to be this way or it's not the same" and I'm sure not every wedding is the sameHow we choose to celebrate does diminish the sanctity of the wedding ceremony.  

    Thank you for your help but I've received my answer. You have a wonderful life. 
    To the first bolded:
    image

    To the second bolded:
    At a real wedding, people get married. So getting married when you're already married IS against the law. You CAN have a pretend wedding, but it's against etiquette. I assume you care about that since you posted the etiquette board, but perhaps you only wanted someone to shower you in glitter and tell you it was A-OK?

    To the third bolded:
    Of course not all weddings are the same. But your event is not a wedding, so it's kind of a moot point.
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    [Deleted User]adwks
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would send your aunt and uncle a wedding announcement after the wedding to let them know you were married.

    Telling them before hand seems to point out, "Hey! Guess what's happening? Oh, and you are invited!". We always talk about how one shouldn't point out who isn't invited to a wedding. I don't think family should be any different.
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