Etiquette

Are bridesmaids required to participate in the planning of & attend the shower?

edited June 2015 in Etiquette
I asked my fiance's sister & 2 daughters (one just graduated high school and the other is entering high school in the fall) to be bridesmaids in my wedding back in January. They accepted, and I was even told the older daughter (my future niece) "expected" to be asked. 

After I learned the 3 of them failed to RSVP for the shower (never mind offer to help in the planning in any way), I contacted them today to ask that they please let my Maid of Honor know if they were coming or not. I was told by the eldest daughter that she and her sister would not be coming, but she "thinks" her mother will be there. And P.s. - she "loves the dress." 

Should I be as hurt and offended as I feel right now? 

I have 5 bridesmaids and at least 2 of them will not be at my shower because they have a softball game. 
I have bent over backwards to pick affordable dresses that could be ordered online because they will be buying 3, & so as to not disrupt their busy schedules & I offered them choices so they could select something they might hopefully be able to wear again. (I was informed they would not be available until after Aug 8 to shop for dresses for a September wedding)  I have tried to be thoughtful and considerate in every way. In addition, my maid of honor contacted them in advance and offered several dates for the bridal shower, and went with the date that they said was most convenient for them. If they couldn't make it, but at least helped in the planning, I could get past this, but I am really hurt and angry. 
 Am I crazy?








Re: Are bridesmaids required to participate in the planning of & attend the shower?

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    I asked my fiance's sister & 2 daughters (one just graduated high school and the other is entering high school in the fall) to be bridesmaids in my wedding back in January. They accepted, and I was even told the older daughter (my future niece) "expected" to be asked. 

    After I learned the 3 of them failed to RSVP for the shower (never mind offer to help in the planning in any way), I contacted them today to ask that they please let my Maid of Honor know if they were coming or not. I was told by the eldest daughter that she and her sister would not be coming, but she "thinks" her mother will be there. And P.s. - she "loves the dress." 

    Should I be as hurt and offended as I feel right now? 

    I have 5 bridesmaids and at least 2 of them will not be at my shower because they have a softball game. 
    I have bent over backwards to pick affordable dresses that could be ordered online because they will be buying 3, & so as to not disrupt their busy schedules & I offered them choices so they could select something they might hopefully be able to wear again. (I was informed they would not be available until after Aug 8 to shop for dresses for a September wedding)  I have tried to be thoughtful and considerate in every way. In addition, my maid of honor contacted them in advance and offered several dates for the bridal shower, and went with the date that they said was most convenient for them. If they couldn't make it, but at least helped in the planning, I could get past this, but I am really hurt and angry. 
     Am I crazy?









    No, they are not required to attend or help plan. I would be hurt, too, if my closest friends or family (because that's who your bridesmaids should be) didn't attend, (depending on why) but to be angry about it is out of line.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
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    It can be hurtful when bridesmaids refuse to help plan or attend parties for you, but that is their right. As long as they acquire the designated outfit and show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits at your wedding, go up and down the aisle, and pose for photos, they've "been there" for you. I'd let it go.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    My DH's sisters were in my WP.  They did not help with the shower.  I never thought twice about it.   They were OOT from where the shower was anyway.  They did attend.

    I would have been disappointed had they not shown, but not angry.  Especially, since again they were OOT.

    I've been a BM who didn't help with a shower nor even show up to the event.     Although both those times I was OOT.    It was not a big deal.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I asked my fiance's sister & 2 daughters (one just graduated high school and the other is entering high school in the fall) to be bridesmaids in my wedding back in January. They accepted, and I was even told the older daughter (my future niece) "expected" to be asked. 


    After I learned the 3 of them failed to RSVP for the shower (never mind offer to help in the planning in any way), I contacted them today to ask that they please let my Maid of Honor know if they were coming or not. I was told by the eldest daughter that she and her sister would not be coming, but she "thinks" her mother will be there. And P.s. - she "loves the dress." 

    Should I be as hurt and offended as I feel right now? 

    I have 5 bridesmaids and at least 2 of them will not be at my shower because they have a softball game. 
    I have bent over backwards to pick affordable dresses that could be ordered online because they will be buying 3, & so as to not disrupt their busy schedules & I offered them choices so they could select something they might hopefully be able to wear again. (I was informed they would not be available until after Aug 8 to shop for dresses for a September wedding)  I have tried to be thoughtful and considerate in every way. In addition, my maid of honor contacted them in advance and offered several dates for the bridal shower, and went with the date that they said was most convenient for them. If they couldn't make it, but at least helped in the planning, I could get past this, but I am really hurt and angry. 
     Am I crazy?








    JIC

    List of Bridesmaids' duties:

    1) show up the day of the wedding at the right time, in the appropriate outfit, relatively sober, in good spirits to stand up with the bride.

    2) - 10) see #1

    Anything offered is great, but not required. No one HAS to show up for anything before the wedding.

    Btw, I've been a bridesmaid in 3 weddings in 3 dresses "of course you can wear again". Guess how many times I've worn those dresses again? NEVER!
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Can someone make bridesmaid "etiquette" a sticky on every freaking board on TK?!
  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    My BMs (my sisters) neither planned nor attended any showers or parties for my wedding. I was neither upset nor angry. In fact, I didn't end up having any pre-wedding parties. I'm pretty sure my marriage is still valid.
    ~*~*~*~*~

  • edited June 2015
    AddieCake said:



    Can someone make bridesmaid "etiquette" a sticky on every freaking board on TK?!



    For the love of God, no more stickies.</blockquote

    ***Boxes?***
    You'd rather keep typing the same advice over and over on the E board, wedding party board, moms and maids board, wedding 911 board, etc?

    You have more patience than I do I guess because this question is out of hand.
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited June 2015

    I asked my fiance's sister & 2 daughters (one just graduated high school and the other is entering high school in the fall) to be bridesmaids in my wedding back in January. They accepted, and I was even told the older daughter (my future niece) "expected" to be asked. 

    After I learned the 3 of them failed to RSVP for the shower (never mind offer to help in the planning in any way), I contacted them today to ask that they please let my Maid of Honor know if they were coming or not. I was told by the eldest daughter that she and her sister would not be coming, but she "thinks" her mother will be there. And P.s. - she "loves the dress." 

    Should I be as hurt and offended as I feel right now? 

    I have 5 bridesmaids and at least 2 of them will not be at my shower because they have a softball game. 
    I have bent over backwards to pick affordable dresses that could be ordered online because they will be buying 3, & so as to not disrupt their busy schedules & I offered them choices so they could select something they might hopefully be able to wear again. (I was informed they would not be available until after Aug 8 to shop for dresses for a September wedding)  I have tried to be thoughtful and considerate in every way. In addition, my maid of honor contacted them in advance and offered several dates for the bridal shower, and went with the date that they said was most convenient for them. If they couldn't make it, but at least helped in the planning, I could get past this, but I am really hurt and angry. 
     Am I crazy?



    1.  No.  Your bridesmaids are not required to attend anything except the rehearsal and the ceremony.

    2.  No, you should not be hurt and offended.  You should be grateful that someone is actually giving you a shower.  Lots of brides don't get them.  My daughter didn't.

    3.  Your soon to be nieces showed very bad manners by not properly responding to the invitation of your MOH.  She is the one who should be offended and annoyed, not you.

    4.  Your MOH is hosting your shower.  What are YOU doing calling for RSVPs.?  This is not something that you, as the guest of honor, should be doing.  It is the job of the hostess, and I hope that isn't you.

    I think you need to step back and rethink your priorities.  What difference can it possibly make to you if two people who are invited to your bridal shower send regrets?  Will it ruin your day?  If it does, then you are not mature enough to get married.






    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited June 2015

    Can someone make bridesmaid "etiquette" a sticky on every freaking board on TK?!

    For the love of God, no more stickies.
    Stickies do not solve that problem at all. 

    ETA: In response to Feeley's comment, which didn't show up for some reason, not Addie's.



    PrettyGirlLost
  • Viczaesar said:




    AddieCake said:



    Can someone make bridesmaid "etiquette" a sticky on every freaking board on TK?!



    For the love of God, no more stickies.
    Stickies do not solve that problem at all. 

    ETA: In response to Feeley's comment, which didn't show up for some reason, not Addie's.


    Agree^^

    Stickies don't solve the problem that Pinterest and the Wedding Industry have created.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    Can someone make bridesmaid "etiquette" a sticky on every freaking board on TK?!

    For the love of God, no more stickies.

    There are already a bunch of stickies on topics nobody reads, and even if they do read them, we still end up typing the same advice. The stickies are pointless.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    STARMOON44OliveOilsMomViczaesarbeachyone15
  • Clearly no one reads the stickies!
  • i would be pissed off if they said it worked out for them and then decided at the last minute they had other things going on

    i totally get the oot people because 4 of my 7  maids were oot and only one of them could make my shower and i totaly understood that they couldn't make it 
  • I would be disappointed and a tad hurt. But they aren't required to attend. And if they have a softball game then that seems like a good reason.
    lachattefatale
  • Teenagers are notoriously selfish and think the world revolves around them. Kind of like some brides.

    lyndausviMGPadk19mrscomposer
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
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    bb2016 said:
    Newbie here! I read most of the stickies on the boards. They're helpful for people that actually want to learn. But I don't think most people read them based on the number of times this type of question is asked just in my short time here. 

    Anyway to the OP, can you not take a step back and look at what you're asking of these girls? First of all some of them are in high school still, and one is  just starting, right? How much independence does this girl have to help plan? Do you mean financially? I hope not.
    You're angry and upset because these girls aren't planning a party in your honor, a party that people will shower your with gifts. The answer to your question is that you should not feel angry and offended. Instead you should be thankful that people are throwing you a shower, something many people don't get. You have to understand that not everyone in your bridal party is going to be able to attend everything and that doesn't make them bad bridesmaids or bad friends. Do I want all my bridesmaids to come to my shower? Of course! Do I expect that they help plan the shower? Absolutely not! The only person responsible for helping plan the shower is the person that has offered (that's a keyword in all of this) to host it.
    I like you, @bb2016.  Stick around!



    bb2016hellohkbadk19mrscomposer
  • Derailing the topic: Holy cow, @Viczaesar I love your new siggy pic!

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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    JCbride2015OliveOilsMom
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz
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    Derailing the topic: Holy cow, @Viczaesar I love your new siggy pic!
    @Viczaesar LOOVVVE it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
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    Thanks @pinupbride6189 and @JCbride2015!  It's a little big though, I'll see if I can figure out how to make it smaller.



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