Wedding Woes

Do I keep my dying to myself?

Dear Prudence,

A disease I’ve been dealing with for several years has taken a turn for the worse. I don’t have a terminal diagnosis yet but, depending upon upcoming tests and possible treatment, I could have a week, a month, six months. My physician brought up palliative care for the first time. Last winter one of my long-time friends died; I was terribly hurt that his wife failed to inform me he was even sick—I heard it through the grapevine. Upon consideration, I decided perhaps my friend had chosen to spare me (and himself) my despair and a tearful good-bye. Another friend told me when her husband was in hospice, his good friend Tom wept so much through a difficult final visit that afterward the dying man weakly said to his wife, “No more Tom.” Do I inform my long-time friends, particularly those whom I’ve loved deeply but who live far away, that I have one foot in the grave? If not, do I write a letter to each of them to be mailed at my death, explaining my decision and how much their friendship meant to me?

—The Clock Is Ticking

Re: Do I keep my dying to myself?

  • We think this is what happened with my uncle - he essentially dropped off the face of the earth, and about a year later they found remains in the woods that they thought were his. (They were with some of his possessions and his car was abandoned nearby - no sign of "foul play".) The toughest part of the situation was not knowing what happened / not having any real closure. I can understand a terminally ill person wanting to die win peace and not need to worry about trying to comfort others - but I think that the suggestion about writing some sort of letters to friends/family is a good compromise. 
  • There was a great article one time about how a man who knew he was dying and threw his own celebration of life/memorial service to say goodbye to his friends, exchange memories and stories, and basically have this one last really great shared memory.  Afterwards, his friends interviews were really poignant.

    I think this is really to each their own, but I think the letters would be a great thing for his friends and family to have.
  • That wasn't the one; this guy was a NOLA Jazz Fest regular, so they all met up at Jazz Fest.  Same principle, though.
  • 6again6again member
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    I keep thinking this is about hair dye.
  • My aunt with cancer planned her own funeral...  She insisted on a tubist to play "When the Saints Go Marching In!" at the burial before the dinner (she paid for!) along with everything else except for what she wore. 

    IMO, the person should do things on their own terms, OTOH, freaking tell people, they're only making it worse for people to not know.  Say "I do NOT want to be treated differently as it could be a day, week, month or year, or decade from now, but it's coming"... 

  • MesmrEwe said:

    My aunt with cancer planned her own funeral...  She insisted on a tubist to play "When the Saints Go Marching In!" at the burial before the dinner (she paid for!) along with everything else except for what she wore. 

    IMO, the person should do things on their own terms, OTOH, freaking tell people, they're only making it worse for people to not know.  Say "I do NOT want to be treated differently as it could be a day, week, month or year, or decade from now, but it's coming"... 

    My 91-year old Grandmother has been working on her funeral for several months. She's weak and tired, can't hear, is losing her sight and "Misses Grandpa and wants to go home to him". I'm just waiting for her to announce what she wants me to cook for her funeral. I'm a Chef, and despite my Mother discouraging it she INSISTED that I cook my Grandfather's favorite dishes to serve at his funeral, completely oblivious to the possibility that I may not feel like feeding 150 people just a few days after losing him. He was one of my best friends, and she is too which is why I did it. At least this time I'll have a heads up I suppose. People deal with their own mortality in different ways.
  • This is part of what a church does.
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  • CMGragain said:
    This is part of what a church does.
    I didn't see where the LW mentioned being a member of any church?

  • Heffalump said:
    CMGragain said:
    This is part of what a church does.
    I didn't see where the LW mentioned being a member of any church?
    Yes, you are correct.  But this is one of the important life events during which church fills a need.  I don't know how atheists make it through this.  It must be terrible for them.
    I met with my minister this week to start to plan for my future.  She was very helpful and supportive, and had some very good suggestions for me that are related to the LW's post.
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  • My aunt who raised me was an uber control freak.  UBER.  She never told anyone what was going with her health unless she had to, ran all of the household money with my uncle (who seriously adored her for some unknown reason and agreed to be the whipped husband) out of the loop on it (his name wasn't even on the checks in their checkbook but he was the breadwinner) and she ran every show to be had.  Rebel and your life would be Hell.  I rebelled at 19 and moved to another state.  Life was better that way.

    When she got cancer and we were told she was terminal, she had known this for months. MONTHS.  Her 2 daughters had to go on unpaid leave or quit their jobs to take care of her for the last month of her life. I was in the military, 300 miles away and a single mom with 2 daughters in later elementary school.  I was driving back and forth that entire month and calling in favors from my best friend and ex-husband to take care of the girls (he lived about 45 miles away).  Each week my girls had 3x5 cards in their backpacks with the plans for each day and if they were to come home or ride the bus somewhere else.  All of this because of her need to have uber control.  It took a financial toll on many of us who could have been making arrangements ahead of time with bosses, vacation time, etc.  but we weren't afforded that opportunity in the name of her control.

    Her cancer started as "suspicious" spots in her breast that required 6 weeks of radiation.  A few months later she got kidney cancer.  We do not know if she died of kidney cancer, or breast cancer that traveled to her kidneys.  Her girls do not have any idea if they are at a higher risk for breast cancer because she was so selfish about her control and not sharing information.

    Then.... there was my rock-star mother-in-law.  She was the 3rd generation to get breast cancer.  I don't know if this was a dense breast tissue issue or not but she was fanatical about getting mammograms done yearly.  She got one done in August, breasts removed in September and the news that 19 out of 21 lymph nodes were positive for cancer.  She died from Stage IV breast cancer the following Valentine's Day.  Never ever missed a mammogram.

    From day one, mom had anyone who wanted to be included in meetings with her doctors.  She had 7 kids and their respective spouses.  We all wanted to be there.  When we had the "big" meeting with the doctors his nurse came in and saw the number of people attending and joked that they should have reserved the auditorium.  Moved us to a meeting room and laid out what we were looking at.  Mom looked at all of us and calmly said, "You kids need to ask any questions you have.  You won't hurt Dad and I with anything you want to know and I want you to have all the answers that are available."

    She made the conscious decision to take care of her husband and kids with what time she had left.  She did not give up her role as the matriarch - she continued to love us all and do her best to just be "mom".

    I spent afternoons with her at the Hospice so my FIL could take a break.  One day she said to me that she always knew she would have to teach her children how to live, but she never thought about the fact that she would have to teach them how to die.  She couldn't have been more serious.  She never complained, she just kept being Mom.  When the time came for her children to have "alone" time with her because the end was getting near (7 kids) one of the boys went in and she just looked at him, smiled, and said, "OK, what is your confession?"

    I have gone through this with the 2 women who filled the maternal roles in my life as an adult.  I find my aunt's behavior inexcusable.  That is no way to treat the people who are going to be making huge changes to their lives to take care of you.  That is no way to leave this world making sure people knew they were loved.

    My mother-in-law?  She loved us all the way to her grave - and we knew it.  She is my biggest inspiration as a person and, now, a mother in law.  She was my rockstar. And, now, I'm gonna go have a great big cry because I miss her.

  • VarunaTT said:
    CMGragain said:

    Heffalump said:
    CMGragain said:
    This is part of what a church does.
    I didn't see where the LW mentioned being a member of any church?
    Yes, you are correct.  But this is one of the important life events during which church fills a need.  I don't know how atheists make it through this.  It must be terrible for them.
    The same way everyone other human does.  Treatment, grieving, acceptance, etc..  Some say goodbye to their families, some don't.  We just don't believe there's any god out there perhaps punishing us with cancer, ignoring us by giving us cancer, or testing our strength with cancer or waiting for us in some afterlife deciding if we will be rewarded or punished by some arbitrary decision of the rules that aren't really shared with humanity.

    We know the scientific explanation of cancer, and the science that is going to help us fight it with the doctor's education heading up that battle.  Many of us have supportive communities that fill the same needs that your church does.

    It's incredibly insulting that you think atheists are out there alone twisting in the wind b/c we don't believe in any gods. 
    Yeah I also found that pretty odd of comment. Atheists also have friends and family to go to when they need support. Nothing different from someone who is religious. 
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  • VarunaTT said:
    CMGragain said:

    Heffalump said:
    CMGragain said:
    This is part of what a church does.
    I didn't see where the LW mentioned being a member of any church?
    Yes, you are correct.  But this is one of the important life events during which church fills a need.  I don't know how atheists make it through this.  It must be terrible for them.
    The same way everyone other human does.  Treatment, grieving, acceptance, etc..  Some say goodbye to their families, some don't.  We just don't believe there's any god out there perhaps punishing us with cancer, ignoring us by giving us cancer, or testing our strength with cancer or waiting for us in some afterlife deciding if we will be rewarded or punished by some arbitrary decision of the rules that aren't really shared with humanity.

    We know the scientific explanation of cancer, and the science that is going to help us fight it with the doctor's education heading up that battle.  Many of us have supportive communities that fill the same needs that your church does.

    It's incredibly insulting that you think atheists are out there alone twisting in the wind b/c we don't believe in any gods. 
    CMG, I can't say I'm surprised that you've posted yet another insulting and judgmental comment towards a group of people. I unfortunately have dealt with a lot of death in my life. Close friends, relatives. And I didn't need a god or a religion to get through it. My family and friends were my support. On very hard days, I went outside and took solace in the beautiful nature of this world that surrounds me. Maybe that's my religion. For someone that considers themselves a Christian, you certainly do a lot of judging.  
  • VarunaTT said:
    There was a great article one time about how a man who knew he was dying and threw his own celebration of life/memorial service to say goodbye to his friends, exchange memories and stories, and basically have this one last really great shared memory.  Afterwards, his friends interviews were really poignant.

    I think this is really to each their own, but I think the letters would be a great thing for his friends and family to have.
    I'm not a reg on this board and didn't want to comment but I do stalk (and enjoy!) you guys. Since this thread is still going on, I will.

    We did this for my mom. About a month after her diagnosis we had a big pig roast, totally informal party at the VFW for her. There were SO MANY people from her life that wanted to see her and we did our best to make sure it was a happy party and not a pre-funeral. It could not have turned out any better. Old neighbors and coworkers she hadn't seen in 20 years came in from other states and hundreds of people showed up. She was really happy all day and it was a great way for everyone to see her without feeling intrusive and coming to the house. 

    She also would have been the type to not tell anyone (had she not been in the hospital on a day that she was scheduled to watch her granddaughter, she may not have told us) and didn't want us to tell her siblings or family. My stepdad thinks she knew she was sick earlier. I don't want to know if that's true or not.

    Anyway, for us, the party was awesome. I really do like this guy's letter idea also. For me, I'd want that personal closure and to be able to see the person. 

    And CMGr, I'm an atheist and while I miss the hell out of my mom every day, I'm getting through this pretty well without an imaginary friend. My mom also planned her own services quickly and easily without any help from a church. I hope you mean your comment in a sympathetic way, but it did not come across like that. You really could benefit from choosing your words more wisely. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • And just b/c there seems to be some atheists on this thread, I'm pretty active in the atheist "movement" as it were.  There's an amazing support group if any of you ever need it called Grief Beyond Belief, run by Rebecca Hensler who started it when she was grieving the loss of her son.  They have a FB Page and a closed FB group.  There was also one started for pets.  It's a great resource.
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