Mostly venting, but do we need to say anything?

Knottie91800232

Our best man (FI's brother)'s wife has been getting sort of mean regarding our wedding lately. She told someone they could bring their baby to our no-kids wedding (she knows it's no kids, she told us she told the cousin we'd make an exception, we still have no idea how to politely correct that), she showed me a picture of a white dress and asked if it'd be OK for her to wear it to our wedding, she RSVP'd to the bridal shower then didn't show up and never apologized, and she has complained about the wedding every time it comes up (sometimes she brings it up, and I'm starting to think it's just so she can air her complaints about it). 

Just recently she told FI's mom that on the wedding day, the groom and best man were getting ready at the best man's house, and then the 3 of them were driving to the ceremony together. We have no idea where she got that, FI and his 5 groomsman are planning to meet elsewhere. 

We think she has massive separation anxiety regarding her husband on the wedding day and is voicing it in jabs about the wedding. We think the best man might even follow the limo in his car to take pictures because his wife doesn't want to hang out with the family while we do that. When you tell her, you know everyone in the family, it'll be OK, you'll hang out with X, or Y, or Z, her response is, "Oh yeah, like I'm close with those people." 

We also know there's some jealousy involved because our budget is bigger than theirs was - a lot of her comments are about how we have so much more money to spend on our wedding.

We try to brush it off, but FI isn't always super communicative with his family, so I'm worried this girl is going to give out a bunch of misinformation that will ultimately reflect poorly on us. Plus, the negative vibes are just stressful and uncalled for. Do we address this somehow? Or just keep correcting things when we can? 

justsie

Knottie91800232 said:

Our best man (FI's brother)'s wife has been getting sort of mean regarding our wedding lately. She told someone they could bring their baby to our no-kids wedding (she knows it's no kids, she told us she told the cousin we'd make an exception, we still have no idea how to politely correct that) Contact the person she said this to  if they try to RSVP with their kid and tell them that the invitation was just meant for who it was addressed to., she showed me a picture of a white dress and asked if it'd be OK for her to wear it to our wedding I don't see this as a big deal. I mean everyone will know you are the bride, and if anyone is judging her for it they are judging HER, not you. I'd not pick this hill to die on., she RSVP'd to the bridal shower then didn't show up and never apologized Again, not really a hill to die on. Is it rude? Yes. But not really a hill to die on, and she has complained about the wedding every time it comes up (sometimes she brings it up, and I'm starting to think it's just so she can air her complaints about it). Don't bring it up with her, and if she brings it up change the subject. 

Just recently she told FI's mom that on the wedding day, the groom and best man were getting ready at the best man's house, and then the 3 of them were driving to the ceremony together. We have no idea where she got that, FI and his 5 groomsman are planning to meet elsewhere. 

We think she has massive separation anxiety regarding her husband on the wedding day and is voicing it in jabs about the wedding. We think the best man might even follow the limo in his car to take pictures because his wife doesn't want to hang out with the family while we do that. When you tell her, you know everyone in the family, it'll be OK, you'll hang out with X, or Y, or Z, her response is, "Oh yeah, like I'm close with those people." 

We also know there's some jealousy involved because our budget is bigger than theirs was - a lot of her comments are about how we have so much more money to spend on our wedding.

We try to brush it off, but FI isn't always super communicative with his family, so I'm worried this girl is going to give out a bunch of misinformation that will ultimately reflect poorly on us. Plus, the negative vibes are just stressful and uncalled for. Do we address this somehow? Or just keep correcting things when we can? 

I made some statements in blue above. I honestly don't see anything that is a huge deal here. Is it a pain in the ass, sure, but other than potentially having a couple RSVP their kid, which is an easy fix and may end up happening to you anyway, there are no huge bits of misinformation going out to anyone. I think you are also assuming a bunch of things that you don't know. Just make sure your FI tells the groomsmen when and where they can meet if they want to and if not he will see them at the ceremony. If she starts to talk to you about the wedding, change the subject. 

Knottie91800232

I agree, nothing individually is that bad, I've let it all go so far, it's just starting to veer into the realm of crazy. 

And yes, if she wears white it's definitely more her problem than mine. I've actually found when someone wears something weird to a wedding, it just gives the bridesmaids something to joke about during photos. I mean, I didn't tell her not to wear it

Jen4948

The next time she brings up your wedding, I'd say to her, "While we're sorry that you're displeased, we'd like you to realize that we aren't making the plans with your discomfort in mind. That said, we're no longer open to hearing how unhappy you are with the plans. From now on, please consider the subject of our wedding closed."

huskypuppy14

I wouldn't confront her. Just be the bigger person, and just correct things as they come up. I know the negativity sucks, but you can only control yourself, not other people. The only thing you should have said, is when she told you she told the cousin you'd make an exception, tell her to have people speak to you or your FI and don't tell people they're invited, when they're not. The cousin should have gone to your husband (his family) and asked, not ask the wife of the best man/brother of the groom, that doesn't even make any sense.

She sounds a lot like my SIL (my husband's brother's wife). She complained to me at our rehearsal that she was offended she wasn't invited to get hair and makeup done the next morning. She was not in the wedding party and I barely know this woman (they live 1000 miles away, thankfully). Then she complained about that to the people at her table during the wedding (which got back to us), and to the best man's wife at the rehearsal. She also made her husband late for pictures.

However, my SIL is always like this. She is never happy; she gives bitch face to everything. So we don't engage her. She makes herself look bad all on her own.

OliveOilsMom

At the time FSIL told you about allowing cousin's baby to attend the wedding, you should have said to FSIL, "That was incorrect information you passed along to cousin.  If anyone asks you questions about the wedding, please send them to FI or I."  Then send the invitation to just the cousin and SO and contact cousin directly if s/he RSVPs with the baby too.  If there is any other mis-information being spread, just correct it as it comes up.

If FSIL wants to talk about the wedding, don't engage and change the subject.  If she insists, just say, "FSIL, we have different ideas about the wedding FI and I are planning.  So I think its for the best if we don't talk about the wedding from now on."  Then change the subject.  If she still won't give it up, then walk away from the conversation with a quick goodbye.

You did the right thing with the white dress that FSIL wants to wear.  She will look like the bad one, if she decides to wear it.

When all of the final getting ready plans are complete.  Give out the information to everyone.  If FSIL and BM do end up driving separately, don't say anything and just let it happen.  If they seem to be slowing down the photo timing or anything else, ask if FSIL can just drive to the next location (or wherever) and BM can travel in the limo so that BM doesn't hold up the photos as the photographer has a schedule s/he needs to keep.

SP29

I would clear up the invitation issue with those guests, but have your invitations been sent yet? If not, you can hope that your cousin will understand when he receives the invitation with his and his wife's name only on it. If not, you could wait until the RSVP gets returned and see if they added their baby on. Otherwise, "I am sorry for any confusion, but the invitation is only for you and your wife, we are unable to accomodate your child".

I agree, make sure your finace directly tells each groomsman the plan for the day of, but otherwise let it go. Sure, SIL sounds a bit crazy, but she'll only make herself look bad.

Been dip on the wedding talk. If she brings up the monetary aspect, you could re-iterate that the most important part of the day is the marriage, where all you need is the couple, an officiant and a witness or two. The rest is extra.

I think there are lots of people who get bent out of shape thinking their wedding wasn't "good enough" because they didn't have what someone else had... unfortunately. In general, I think as a society we need to remember what a wedding *really* is about.

Anyway... good luck with SIL until the wedding day. You know though, she'll probably find stuff in the future to make a fuss about, like comparing your childrens' 1st birthday parties So consider this good practice in how to smooth the rough waters with her.

aurianna

Assuming any needed wedding info was covered at the rehearsal and assuming you aren't doing pictures prior to the wedding, make sure that the best man knows he's not required to meet anyone before the wedding if he'd rather spend time with his wife. If he doesn't show up at the church until 10 minutes before the wedding, that is OK. As long as he's there for the wedding, that's all that's important. If it would make his life easier, definitely make sure he realizes there is no expectation to meet up super early.

I find her following you to pictures a little odd... but as long as she doesn't get in the way, it's not a hill I'd die on.

I hope this goes without saying, but you are letting dates sit together at the reception, correct? At my BiL's wedding my husband had to get there super early to help set up, he was in the wedding, and then at dinner they had a head table that excluded the wedding party's dates. So I was sitting at a table with his parents and a random aunt, none of whom I knew that well at the time. It was pretty uncomfortable for several hours.
If you plan on separating them at dinner, I could see why she's getting anxious. But hopefully you are not, and she's really just freaking out about a couple of hours for no reason. She'll live.

MandyMost

I think everyone should at least show some concern for their bridal party/immediate family's dates for the day of the wedding (and the day before, if there's a rehearsal/rehearsal dinner as well).  Maybe that means not asking everyone to be there until they really need to, or asking the dates of the men to hang out with the girls while they're getting ready, and vice versa, if your party is split on gender lines. If there's planned wedding transportation (i.e. limos, a shuttle, etc.) then there needs to be planned transportation for the dates as well. Pictures involving the bridal party should be short and sweet...and either before OR after the ceremony...and then they should be able to join their dates. 

It's really not hard to show some consideration to the dates. That being said, I can see this woman is driving you crazy! She'd be driving me crazy as well! Keep on venting. :-) But maybe you can help out a bit by going over some of the ways with here where she'll be involved or at least not excluded from activities her husband is partaking in. 

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie91800232 said:

Our best man (FI's brother)'s wife has been getting sort of mean regarding our wedding lately. She told someone they could bring their baby to our no-kids wedding (she knows it's no kids, she told us she told the cousin we'd make an exception, we still have no idea how to politely correct that), Have FI contact his cousin and apologize, but there seems to have been a misunderstanding and a miscommunication, and that only she and her husband are actually invited.  she showed me a picture of a white dress and asked if it'd be OK for her to wear it to our wedding, Tell her she can wear whatever she wants, including white.  Sorry, but just because you're the bride doesn't mean that color is reserved for you only.  No one is going to confuse her for the bride.  she RSVP'd to the bridal shower then didn't show up and never apologized, and she has complained about the wedding every time it comes up (sometimes she brings it up, and I'm starting to think it's just so she can air her complaints about it).   Then stop engaging her when she brings it up.  Just change the subject.  And don't bring it up in front of her.  Learn to just ignore her as well.

Just recently she told FI's mom that on the wedding day, the groom and best man were getting ready at the best man's house, and then the 3 of them were driving to the ceremony together. We have no idea where she got that, FI and his 5 groomsman are planning to meet elsewhere.   Stay out of this one.  Let your FI and his GMs figure this out.

We think she has massive separation anxiety regarding her husband on the wedding day and is voicing it in jabs about the wedding. We think the best man might even follow the limo in his car to take pictures because his wife doesn't want to hang out with the family while we do that. Well, that's his choice then.  Odd, maybe.  But if it helps him keep the peace in his marriage and keeps her from being miserable around everyone, then I think it's a win-win!  When you tell her, you know everyone in the family, it'll be OK, you'll hang out with X, or Y, or Z, her response is, "Oh yeah, like I'm close with those people."   Yeah, she might not actually be close to people in your FI's family, and she may not even care for them all that much.  The feeling is likely mutual.  Her husband is an adult and he doesn't NEED to ride in the limo with you all if he doesn't want to.  As long as he shows up where he's supposed to be, when he's supposed to be there, let him choose how he gets there and with whom.

We also know there's some jealousy involved because our budget is bigger than theirs was - a lot of her comments are about how we have so much more money to spend on our wedding.

We try to brush it off, but FI isn't always super communicative with his family, so I'm worried this girl is going to give out a bunch of misinformation that will ultimately reflect poorly on us. Plus, the negative vibes are just stressful and uncalled for. Do we address this somehow? Or just keep correcting things when we can? You correct things when they come up, and with whom they need to be corrected, you ignore her attitude and comments, and you let her husband choose where he gets ready and how he gets around that day.