Step Family Invites (Long)

Subwayloves

So a bit of a long story.
My FH has a step mom. His dad and his step mom have only been married a year, but have been together since we started dating (4 years), so I have known her family the entire time we've been together. We see them probably 2-3 times a year.
Her family is big. She has 4 siblings, all of which have 3-4 children, and some of those children also have children. Her "immediate" family is about 50 people.
We have tried to talk to FFIL about who to invite, but be just says "we will talk about it when the wedding gets closer". We regularly talk to about 10-15 of them, and would like to invite them- however, my parents are paying for most of the wedding, and are not willing to pay for these extra guests.
We are also worried that even if we only invite the ones we talk to regularly, the rest will get offended. They are a very close family. To make matters worse, we were invited to one of their weddings last week, and the whole family was congratulating us and telling us how excited they are for the wedding- so they are expecting to be invited.
We would not mind all of them being there, but we definitely cannot afford to invite all of them, and most likely cannot afford to even invite those we talk to regularly. Do we just not invite any of them? Continue to try to talk to FFIL and see if he is willing to help paying for them?
We have a rough guest list that is about 175 without any of them- so if we invited the whole family it would be about 1/4 of our entire guest list.

[Deleted User]

Subwayloves said:

So a bit of a long story. My FH has a step mom. His dad and his step mom have only been married a year, but have been together since we started dating (4 years), so I have known her family the entire time we've been together. We see them probably 2-3 times a year. Her family is big. She has 4 siblings, all of which have 3-4 children, and some of those children also have children. Her "immediate" family is about 50 people. We have tried to talk to FFIL about who to invite, but be just says "we will talk about it when the wedding gets closer". We regularly talk to about 10-15 of them, and would like to invite them- however, my parents are paying for most of the wedding, and are not willing to pay for these extra guests. We are also worried that even if we only invite the ones we talk to regularly, the rest will get offended. They are a very close family. To make matters worse, we were invited to one of their weddings last week, and the whole family was congratulating us and telling us how excited they are for the wedding- so they are expecting to be invited. We would not mind all of them being there, but we definitely cannot afford to invite all of them, and most likely cannot afford to even invite those we talk to regularly. Do we just not invite any of them? Continue to try to talk to FFIL and see if he is willing to help paying for them? We have a rough guest list that is about 175 without any of them- so if we invited the whole family it would be about 1/4 of our entire guest list.

It looks like you need to create a more firm (than rough) guest list and discuss the true budget.  Tell FFIL that you can't wait to decide the guest list until the wedding gets closer because you need to know what to budget for NOW.  Don't plan on any money (from your family or his) until you have it in your checking account or somebody else signs a contract and makes a down payment.  Tell FFIL that if you don't get his wife's guests NOW, they won't be on the guest list At All.

Once you know how many people you have an how much money you have, you can start planning.  You may end up deciding the most you can do is an early brunch wedding rather than a Black Tie affair.  This is fine, but you need to figure out now or you're stuck and have to stop planning.

lachattefatale

FFIL needs to get his act together; guest list is one of the FIRST things that needs to happen, not "closer to the wedding".

We have a similar situation, except FI's stepmom has been around much longer. We counted her side of the family the same way we counted all the rest of our extended family. You are not obligated to invite every single member of your partner's stepmom's family, just like you are not obligated to invite every member of your own family. But I would definitely not call any of them "extra" since they are now related by marriage and you have relationships with some of them.

Besides sitting FFIL down and insisting you get things done, you also need to go over the entire guest list with your partner and your parents, talk about how many people you can afford to invite, and trim the list accordingly. (I would start with a full list including those 50 people, but probably trim out all but the ones you're closest with.) I don't think it's appropriate to ask your FFIL to pay for "extra" guests because a) they're not extra and b) you shouldn't expect any help paying for your wedding and it's already pretty generous of your parents to do so. Depending on their relationship, your partner can ask FFIL if he wants to contribute to the wedding, but making it an ultimatum "OR YOUR IN-LAWS CAN'T COME" is pretty tacky.

arrrghmatey

You need to first figure out your budget and then put your guest list together. Those should be at the top of your wedding planning checklist. Your FI needs to let his dad know that the two of you need a list of guests by so-and-so date.

When you have your guest list finalized and if it doesn't include some of these family members of future stepmom, your FI says to FFIL and stepmom: "Sorry, but the guest list is finalized, and we're not able to invite anyone else."

The folks stating how happy they are to attend your wedding without actually yet being invited are being rude and presumptuous. You are under no obligation to invite them (unless it was your FFIL and stepmom were helping to pay for the wedding, which they are not).

Jen4948

Your FI needs to tell his father, "We can't plan a wedding without a firm guest list, so this discussion cannot be postponed until 'closer to the wedding.'  If it doesn't take place NOW, we cannot budget and plan for any guests you and Stepmom want to invite, which in turn means that they cannot be invited, and if they show up uninvited, there will be no seats, food, or drinks for them.'"

I'd ignore any comments from anyone stating how happy they will be to attend your wedding who isn't actually being invited.  And if FFIL and FSMIL want to invite guests whom you can't afford, your FI needs to bring that to their attention-that your budget doesn't allow for them, so either they will have to fund the costs of inviting them or accept that they won't be invited.

MyNameIsNot

Sit down with your FI and write out a guest list and figure out the budget. Figure out how many of these people you can accommodate. Then have your FI tell his father & stepmother that you have room for X guests, but you'll need names no later than Y date. 

If they request to invite more, FI has to tell them that it isn't in the budget. (They can then offer to contribute if they want to. Don't ask them to pay.) If they don't get you the names by your deadline, those people aren't invited. End of story. 

MairePoppy

Your FFIL doesn't get to decide how many guests he will invite on somebody else's dime. Since your parents are paying for the wedding, they get  to divide the guest list hhowever they wish. You need to ask your parents  how many guest your fi's  family is allowed to invite. Then fi should tell his father that Subway's parents have generously offered to host  X number of guests from his side and they will need his final list, complete with addresses,  by X date. 

If FFIL offers to pay for his guests, make sure your fi gets that money before the invitations go out.. Also, you and fi  should figure out what you can reasonable afford to add to your wedding budget so you have some say in the guest lst. 

SP29

Agreed- you need to get the guest list for FSMIL's family now, in order to properly budget.

In planning, first you need to know how much money you have to spend and then consider how many you would like to invite. That then determines the type of event and venue you choose.... it shouldn't be the other way around. Well, it *can*, because you could choose to invite less people in order to have a larger/ more formal event if you want, but you shouldn't be planning the entirety of the wedding and then trying to figure out how to "add" guests in. Either you have the budget for a 50 guest wedding or 200 guest wedding.

Next you need to talk to your parents. If they are paying then they get a large say, however, I would let them know that there are people in FSMIL's family who are important to you and your FH that you would like to be part of the guest list. Yes, this may mean trimming the guest list from your family, which is why you need to figure this out sooner than later.

Also, do not ask FFIL for money. But if you tell him, "We have room to invite X guests from FSMIL's family, please give me a list of X names by Y date" and he then offers to give money to invite more, you can accept. (But don't send out invitations until you get that money).

huskypuppy14

Neither myself or my H have step parents, so I can't tell you if you should or should not invite your FI SM's family. However, making a guest list is the same for everyone. Put down who you your FI and the hosts want to invite. Don't worry about inviting everyone if you are not close to them. Just because Sarah is close with her sister Martha, doesn't mean you have to invite Martha because you are inviting Sarah.

What we did was my husband and I made a list of everyone we wanted to invite. My parents (who were paying for the majority of the wedding) had no additions. My MIL (who was also hosting but not paying as much as my parents) added additional people (I gave her a number to add). Once that list was final, we didn't allow anyone else to add additional guests. MIL tried, but we said no. She got over it.

I didn't invite all of my Dad's family, only his siblings and one cousin (and their spouses of course).

I'm much closer with my mom's side of the family, so they were all invited (and my mom's family is much smaller than my dad's). 

My husband is closer with his Dad's side of the family, so they were all invited. My MIL is only child so there are no cousins or aunts or uncles from that side, so we invited a few cousin's of my MIL.