Wedding Woes

Oh hell...This lady needs to STFU and stay out of this.

Dear Prudence,
My husband’s sister is a mess. She’s 40 and can’t hold a job for more than a few months. She lives beyond her means, and my in-laws encourage this behavior by subsidizing her entire life. The in-laws have a substantial amount of money, and I’ve never thought it was my business how they spent it. However, as they are nearing the end of their lives, they’ve told us that they have been keeping track of how much money they have given her over the years and will be deducting it from her share of the will! I think this is a terrible idea, one that will cause all sorts of hurt feelings. We don’t need the extra cash, and would be happy if everything is divided 50/50 (or they can give it all to charity, I don’t care)! How do we deal with the inevitable fallout from this? We’ve told the in-laws to make the inheritance equal, but they have decided they want to prove a point.


Re: Oh hell...This lady needs to STFU and stay out of this.

  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    This will be happening in our house and it will be ugly.  There is nothing we can do about it though.
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    I don't know the magnitude of this keeping track, but for us it will be things like the $250k cash for a house for SIL or the $100k business loan or the $75k down payment (that I've since found out did not go for a down payment at all).

  • MNNEBrideMNNEBride Midwest member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    It's the parent';s money, they get to decide what happens to it.  I would hope that they have been open with the daughter all along and told her what they intend to do with their estate.  .
  • I really don't want to think about what will happen with SIL when FIL's time comes.  She and FIL have had a rocky relationship (it didn't help that he pretended she didn't exist for the first 20-ish years of her life).  She's irresponsible with money, and he's told us he's given her a lot of money over the years (we have no idea how much, and don't really care).  And she's had drug problems on and off.  Honestly, the best thing would be if FIL would leave it all to his church or something.  Because I could see him writing SIL out of the will for dating some guy he didn't like (or some similar reason), or deducting however much he's given her, or whatever.  Mr. Heff would probably even things out with SIL, but I'm not so sure about BIL.  And then there are rumors of other offspring floating around, which could further complicate things. 
  • As an in-law, she should not be inserting herself here.  It's not her parents or her sister, so I think it's a boundary issue.  She can talk to her H all she wants about it, but it's up to him to speak for them as a family and only if he wants to. 

    Also, this kind of happened after my grandma died.  My dad was the executor and got shit on by his siblings with how the estate was divvied up (per the will).   The drama died rather fast since my uncle got sick and died 5 months later.  2011 was an insane year for my family. 

  • i agree re: she's an in-law. her H can discuss it with his parents until he's blue in the face, but it's even less her place than it is his. He can also spend his share as he wishes, so if he really wants to pass along more of the money to SIL, he can do it. 

    This happened with my FIL's parents. FIL has 2 sisters - one of whom passed before his parents. FIL went out of his way to take care of his parents as their health was declining - even taking some time away from his own family (I'm a little judgy abut this, but it's his life..) to let his parents stay in their own home until they died. He helped care for them from a health perspective, arranged all of the additional nurses/helpers/services they needed. FIL's living sister is something of a mess - not married, several kids (all of whom are in their 40-50s and are also a mess), barely able to work, relying on others for support - not even making an effort to be self sufficient. FIL was the success story from his family. His parents left him everything - which was a pretty substantial amount of money + their house. FIL didn't feel right about that, so he ended up setting up a trust worth half of the estate for his sister. (to make sure she and her kids/grandkids had basic needs met) .
  • Due to FIL's actions, it will be interesting to see how things play out. I'm guessing he will split things evenly between his 4 kids, even though BIL is a serial mooch. (40yo, still living with ILs, not doing anything to help out).

    I'm guessing my parents will go 50/50 or 60/40 for myself and my sister. I know I'm executor (since I know how to adult) but I don't know they breakdown. I've been kidding my mom about putting post-its on some of her jewelry for myself and Wolverine.
  • when my family is crying at the grave, i plan to head over to the house to take what i want. you snooze, you lose.
  • IMO - She's the in-law, it's not her place, STFU!  The only thing she gets to request is "Hey - can you include that explanation in the Will so (Executor) doesn't have to explain it as your exact wishes!?!?!?  Then make sure to explain who gets what "Stuff" so there isn't a fight over the gravy boat..."
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • hmonkey said:
    when my family is crying at the grave, i plan to head over to the house to take what i want. you snooze, you lose.

    I've already started putting post its on the things that what when I visit my Mom or Dad (they're divorced, so I have TWO houses to pick and choose and from).  It's never too early to start calling dibs, right?

  • wtf is it with post-its? just take the the items with you. 
  • My grandparents, who raised me, have put me in place of bio mom in their wills.  I'm not sure how that's going to go down when they pass.
  • hmonkey said:
    wtf is it with post-its? just take the the items with you. 
    just "accidentally" toss it into the stroller and walk out?
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