How do you respond to people who rsvp'd yes and then didn't show?

[Deleted User]

I'm at a loss on how to properly respond to a couple of situations where people rsvp'd yes and then didn't show to the wedding and reception, with no heads up ahead of time that they couldn't make it.  Do I have a right to be annoyed about that?  I understand some situations come up last minute (for example, my female cousin came alone and her husband stayed home with their sick child... clearly I understand and am thrilled she still got to come and don't care about the last minute change that he couldn't make it!)  I'm more so talking about the people who had to have known at LEAST a few days in advance (if not before that) that they wouldn't be able to make it and didn't say anything. 

The primary situation I'm dealing with is a college friend who rsvp'd yes to the event weeks in advance, and then never showed.  Sometime last week during our honeymoon, she sent me a facebook message apologizing for not making it and telling me that flights just got too expensive for her to be able to make it.  Don't get me wrong, I"m totally senstive to that (hubby and I lived apart for the 2 years before our wedding, so we understand travel expenses and flight costs!)  If she hadn't been able to make it because costs were too high and let us know that ahead of time, I would have understood.  There were a lot of out of town guests, and a lot of people who decided the travel costs were too high to be able to come, all of which my husband and I understood.

What I don't know how to respond to is her post wedding message and explanation, because I'm kind of annoyed that she couldn't have figure this out and let me know BEFORE the wedding.  There were certainly people in the area (neighbors, college friends) who we couldn't originally include on our guest list who I would have LOVED to have filled that spot.  Instead, I paid $70 for a dinner this girl never showed for (and I didn't have to give our final head count until just days before the wedding!  Grrrr.)   I feel frustrated, but I also feel like I need to respond to the message rather than ignore it, but I just don't know what is appropriate in this sitiation.  Do I just tell her we understand and missed her at the event (even though I'm secretly annoyed about her actions?) or do I respond and say that we missed her at the event and are sorry she couldn't join us, but that in the future she should probably try to tell the bride that in advance in case they'd prefer to invite someone else? 

Can you ladies tell me what you would do (or did do) in situations like this?  I just feel like there are so many aspects of planning a wedding you don't quite understand until you go through this experience, and I feel like this girl probably has no idea.  Help me here!  haha. 

brilibby4

I would just let it go.  Letting out your frustrations probably won't do anything now other than cause further strain on your friendship.  It sucks that she did that and I don't blame you for being upset/angry at all but what is done is done in my opinion. 

tommyandy

Vent to us & to hubby to get it out of your system.  Tell her you understand completely about having to stick to a budget & money being tight & you wished she could have made it.

Jenni83

I had an issue where we werent inviting kids to the wedding under 12,well my hubbys uncle has 14 yr old twins and a 12 yr old so they were all invited,but his cousin had a 5 yr old & we had to tell her he couldnt come,at first she tried to sneak and say she had a "guest" so when my hubby called to see what her guests name was so i could do the gift bags she said "oh my son is my guest"(after knowing no young kids were allowed)  after we explained that we ddint want any little kids for a reason everyone was fine with it,the day of the wedding his aunt and all the kids didnt show up after they rsvp'd yes and we paid for them,but his uncle was there so when his mom asked where his wife & kids were he replied "oh my wife had to stay home with the kids they werent old enough to come" very sarcastic. WTF why did you rsvp yes then and why did you come.
Be the bigger person & just let it go.

cutypie953

I agree, just let it go.  Inside, I'm saying the same thing to you when I see those people now, in my mind I'm thinking "How unthoughtful are you, I spent $75 for you and you couldn't even let me know you couldn't make it!'  but you know, saying soething won't really solve anything, then you just look selfish and non-understanding and plus, people that do that are just like that....in my case, most of them are unmarried and truly don't understand the repercussions of them not telling anyone they weren't coming. 

My wedding was in April and my MOH was of course very involved in the planning process.  Well, she had a friend who invited her to her wedding and my MOH told me "I don't know if I want to go or not, I guess I'll just send it in as a 'yes' so I'll have a spot and then decide that day if I feel like going."  I feel like a lot of people do this!  I explained to her why that may not be a good idea and she was like, "wow, I never knew you still had to pay for me!  I never knew it was that much!"  So, like I said, I think some people just don't understand.  

rands09

That really sucked, but yes, I agree with PP. As annoying as it was, there really isn't a gracious way to manage that post wedding, so I would just err on the side of taking the high road.

We were really fortunate in that we only had 2 true no shows (who rsvp'd yes and didn't come), and one of those was my cousin's wife who was called into work - but my cousin and ther daughter still came - so I was happy for that. The other was co-worker of DH's that I didn't really know anyway...but I'm learning that our practically non-existant no show rate is truly not the norm...

But I totally understand how you feel!

[Deleted User]

Let it go and just see how things go with your relationship from here on out. See if she approaches you and says she is sorry or gives a reason of some sort.

unplainjane

the no show thing is something i really don't get either. i am having a small wedding and would be quite pissed off if people didn't show up that rsvp'ed yes because we are having our reception at a pretty pricey place. i would think that people would know that if they don't show up the bride and groom just wasted a lot money on them. and that the seat could've been fileed with someone else. sigh. i expect a couple of no shows for emergency reasons but to rsvp yes and know that they won't make it before the wedding is so rude. i almost want to double confirm with people a week before the wedding in case i can get any no shows early. since i don't need to get the final numbers in till 3 days before the wedding.

Destiny213

It does seem like a lot of people that haven't been through the wedding planning process just don't realize or think about the fact that their plate is paid for whether they come or not.  It probably would make them feel a little bad to say something.  But honestly, if it were me, I'd rather the couple tell me so I didn't make the same mistake again at the next few weddings I was invited to.

janedoe1113a

Just let it go.  We had an entire table not show up and it irked me, but in the end, it wasn't that big of a deal.

Theresa626

If it were me, I probably wouldn't respond.  I wouldn't want to give them the satisfaction of hearing me say "oh it's ok" because it's not.  But I wouldn't want to say anything mean either.  

momofayden

I guess I am the odd man out who thinks it wouldn't be bitchy ofr rude to say something to a good friend.  Would I appraoch distant family, no but someone I consider a good friend I would for sure.  You don't have to all out flame her by any means; something along the lines of "hey freind, it would have been nice to see you at the wedding. You were missed. I totally understand not being able to afford travel, though it would have been nice to know this before the wedding instead of after."  Then just leave it at that.  If we have a whole table not show up that would be over $400 i just flushed. I could have added more food, booze or dessert for that.  It would bother me that people who be so self absorbed to just not show without thought for the couple.  People aren't so stupid they don't know that weddings are expensive. I just pray that our no show count is low.

heathyr21

I agree. I wouldn't even bother responding.

On that note, I actually didn't realize there was a potential for no shows. I thought just yes or no lol I hope I don't have any no shows our plates are $118- $128!!

sophs_ro

I dont understand how people can do it. I wouldn't dream of it!! 

And to be fair i know if it happened i should be the bigger person and let it go but i would be totally wanting to make some sarcastic comment and it would kill me to bite my lip.