(I want to preface this by saying I'm very sensitive, and that I know the only thing to do about it is take it with a grain of salt and focus on my relationship with FH and our lovely wedding plans. Just one of those things where you need to take the time to be pissed off before you get over it.)
Tonight we visited FILs and FMIL asked how the wedding planning was going. A bit of background-- FH have been together more than 3 years and spend a decent amount of time with his parents, visiting 3-4x per month and doing birthday dinners as well as most holidays (because we live near them). His mom is friendly enough, but a little uneven. Sometimes she'll be warm and chatty, and sometimes stonefaced and awkward, sometimes both within the same conversation! She has never indicated any interest in being involved in the wedding in any way, and will occasionally ask about plans but my responses are met only with nods and uh-huhs. Rarely does she even comment on what I tell her (although she made one complaint related to our food plans, which I plan to accommodate), and she has never offered up any ideas or advice. (Something I'm sure a lot of ladies with totally overbearing FMILs would be envious of, lol!) I'm fine with this, to be honest. Like I said, she's hard to read, and I'm sensitive, so keeping wedding talk light and vague works well for us. I'm a sentimental type and still would like to have a warm, familiar relationship with her eventually... or as close as I can get, anyway.
So after she asked, I said it was going fine, we weren't doing much at the moment as we have 9 months left and that I had been turned off of thinking about the wedding after a nightmarish snafu with our photographer, whom we fired. Not a detailed conversation, maybe 30 seconds.
Then, since I am about to send save-the-dates, I asked if she was sure she didn't want to include any of their friends or extended family in the guest list, because I'm feeling a little self-conscious that 64% of the guest list belongs to me and I want to make sure on our wedding day FH feels surrounded by "his" people just as much as mine. She said, "No... not really. I mean, with having to go all the way up there."
"All the way up there?" That's my hometown. 1.5 hours away from where she lives. What are you talking about, lady??? People regularly travel hundreds of miles to weddings and you're complaining about 75??? Depending on how much folks choose to drink, and how late they stay, they may not even need to get a hotel! Also, not that I give a rat's ass about tradition, but if you DID want to play that card, the bride's hometown is definitely the traditional place to get married.
Plus, it makes no sense. FH's family and friends are mostly out of state, so even if we got married in her town (where FH and I also live), 90% of his people would still be traveling, plus all of my family would have to travel, resulting in 95% of the guest list traveling instead of 36%. I'm already worried that many of FH's friends may not be able to come, or may choose not to come, because of the distance. Our wedding is also a casual beer & wine & BBQ type deal so I'm also feeling self-conscious that people will come all this way and it won't be a fancy, formal, boozy dance party like most weddings - it won't be "worth" the coming. Which I know is lame, and I'm happy with our plans. But... little things like that nestle in the back of my mind and make me worry.
Anyway, clearly her comment feeds into all these insecurities I already have and it's just been hard to shake. FH didn't say much at the time (nor did I, except to stammer that it was only 1.5 hours and that if we got married here everyone would still be traveling) but he brought it up later as a weird comment, so I know it wasn't 100% just my sensitivity.
It hurts to think that my wedding - no, not MY wedding, HER SON'S wedding - is some taxing chore to be born because there is a small amount of travel involved. It hurts to think that she doesn't want to include family friends or extended family - part of my FH's community - because she doesn't think the drive is worth it. This comment makes me wonder what she thinks but doesn't say, or what she says to FH's dad about it when we're not around. Thinking about negative thoughts or comments she may be making about our wedding plans makes my stomach knot up. I guess I wish she were happier or more excited, not because I need attention and excitement, but because she is proud and happy for her son to be getting married.
Overall, FH supports me 10000%. I've had some little moments with his mom before and his response has always been, "Hey, I love you. You're my life now, and there's no way she'd ever come between us." (Not in those exact words... I think he phrased it more like, "If that's how she feels, then fuck her. I love you." haha.) And my own mom is totally amazing and supportive, and I have one of those big loud happy families that has welcomed FH with open arms, so we definitely have a good community in place. I just wish I could have that relationship with his mom, too.