Vow renewal etiquette-say something?

Knottie14350236

Sorry, not sure if this should be on the etiquette board or the vow renewal board?

Parent in laws are planning a 40th anniversary vow renewal on a cruise ship. I'm guessing this is 75% PPD because MIL has often talked about how she really didn't get her "big day" (eloped at 19). 

So her expectations:

- me and SIL to be bridesmaids, in dresses she picks (and I assume I will have to pay for mine).

- wedding dress for her (she has already picked a dress from a mature bride type magazine)

- EVERYONE that she wants on this cruise will be there (FIL wanted to renew vows on Viking river cruise- MIL said no, insisting on cheaper cruise so that "everyone" will be there, this will still cost people ~$1000 each).

i want to gently point out to her somehow that, even in a destination actual wedding, you can't expect everyone to be there, as you can't dictate how people spend their vacation time and money. And with this being a vow renewal and not an actual wedding, your expectations need to be even less. 

Should I say something? Or just let it be? Part of it is I don't want to be expected to shell out for a cruise that I may or may not be interested in, plus a BM dress, or what is basically a PPD+anniversary party.

jacques27

Honestly, after 40 years, I think a vow renewal is earned.  I'm not sure that I would ever do such a thing, though I'm not big on big showy displays of anything really, but I can't really side-eye a renewal after 40 years.  And sure, it's making up for what she never got and that treads in PPD-light territory, but she waited 40 freakin' years.  It's not like she started immediately planning this sucker after she eloped.

I might, however, point out to her that even with the cheaper cruise, it may not be feasible for everyone's budgets or schedules (most people I know get limited time off work) or that a cruise is everyone's ideal vacation (I know I get major motion sickness).  I would perhaps gently encourage her to have the vow renewal at the port the morning of embarkation or even the day before and then anyone who wants to join them on the cruise can and those who can't swing the cost of the cruise or that much vacation time can fly back.  But if after that she's still set on it, then I would let it be and decide whether you want to attend and if not, deal with the potential relationship fallout. 

JediElizabeth

Knottie14350236 said:

Sorry, not sure if this should be on the etiquette board or the vow renewal board?

Parent in laws are planning a 40th anniversary vow renewal on a cruise ship. I'm guessing this is 75% PPD because MIL has often talked about how she really didn't get her "big day" (eloped at 19). 

So her expectations:

- me and SIL to be bridesmaids, in dresses she picks (and I assume I will have to pay for mine).

- wedding dress for her (she has already picked a dress from a mature bride type magazine)

- EVERYONE that she wants on this cruise will be there (FIL wanted to renew vows on Viking river cruise- MIL said no, insisting on cheaper cruise so that "everyone" will be there, this will still cost people ~$1000 each).

i want to gently point out to her somehow that, even in a destination actual wedding, you can't expect everyone to be there, as you can't dictate how people spend their vacation time and money. And with this being a vow renewal and not an actual wedding, your expectations need to be even less. 

Should I say something? Or just let it be? Part of it is I don't want to be expected to shell out for a cruise that I may or may not be interested in, plus a BM dress, or what is basically a PPD+anniversary party.

I wouldn't tell her that the PPD is rude. If it must be said, it should be her son who tells her, not you, but it's generally rude to point out faux pas. 

That said, I think you can bring up the bolded. $1000 is a lot to spend as a guest for a wedding. For a vow renewal, it's insane. I'd gently tell my FMIL if plans weren't in the budget. She may offer to pay for you if it's important enough, but if not, you can decline the invitation. 

JediElizabeth

Addendum: for anyone thinking of this, it's incredibly rude to ask guests to shell out for admittance to your event (that is, to get on the cruise in the first place), but I don't know if it's worth the drama of telling your MIL that. 

SP29

It's fine for her and FIL to have a vow renewal. I think it's fine for her to wear a wedding dress if she wants. Usually renewals are a little more casual in nature, but hey, a dress is a dress. I've never seen a WP for a vow renewal, but I guess it isn't offending anyone, so let it slide.

I would suggest (or have your SO tell her this) she do the renewal ceremony at port so that those who want to view the ceremony only are able and those who want to cruise can. If you search cruise ship weddings on here, you'll see there is a pretty big consensus that asking your guests to pay for a cruise in order to witness your marriage (or renewal) is inconsiderate at best.

You are free to decline the invitation to cruise.

charlotte989875

I don't know the PPD is the right term for this, they're having a vow renewal and being upfront about what that is.

I generally think pointing out people's etiquette mistakes, unless you're asked for your opinion, is a tricky situation. Is it rude for her to expect people to go? Sure. But I think it's also rude to point this out in an unsolicited way. And the rest of it doesn't seem that bad to me. I dont side-eye a vow renewal after 40 years (my grandparents did a sweet one after 50). I don't side eye a new dress or suit for it either. 

Sounds like you just don't want to go, and that's fine! You can decline being in the ceremony, if you choose to participate you can give your budget, you can decline to go on the trip at all. Just because people are invited doesn't mean they're forced to attend. 

I guess it just doesn't like there are huge etiquette mistakes here that you should risk your relationship with your in laws just to point out. 

flantastic

I don't get vow renewals. You (general you) vowed once, and that should be enough. Are you trying to prove something?

While I wouldn't side-eye someone having a vow renewal after a legitimate long time, because I don't get them, I also don't care about them. So it would not be a priority to me to spend a lot of money to go see one. I'm not sure how you can say that of people generally to your MIL (I imagine she'd respond with "but MY friends and family will/should care").

Maybe tell her that even though people would love to be there for her and her husband, the amount of money is still a lot more than some people may be able to spend, since you don't know the details of the finances of all your friends and family, and then suggest the port wedding and cruise option.

Knottie14350236

I guess I should clarify- I'm really not side eyeing the vow renewal aspect- I'm side eyeing the expectation that I buy s particular dress and prioritize this as if it's an actual wedding. I'd be more than thrilled to get dressed up in my own clothes and attend a vow renewal locally.

OliveOilsMom

Knottie14350236 said:

I guess I should clarify- I'm really not side eyeing the vow renewal aspect- I'm side eyeing the expectation that I buy s particular dress and prioritize this as if it's an actual wedding. I'd be more than thrilled to get dressed up in my own clothes and attend a vow renewal locally.

If MIL is internet savvy, give her the website: idotaketwo.com, it can show her the proper way to have a vow renewal.  

As for the dress, I think its fine to say that you are not in a position to purchase a dress for the vow renewal.  Say it with your apologies.  You could always offer up to MIL that you have dresses in colors x, y, and z and are happy to wear which ever color she desires.

If you and your spouse cannot afford the cruise, that should be the first conversation you have with MIL and FIL, but your spouse should do the talking for that part.  "Mom & Dad, we love you and are so happy that you have 40 years of marriage you want to celebrate.  But we are unable to afford this cruise to celebrate your renewal."

CMGragain

Dear MIL, I am so happy that you are planning a vow renewal after all your years of marriage.  I do hope we can attend, but finances will make this very difficult for us.
There is this wonderful website, called The Knot, that gives great advice on planning vow renewals.  They have a lot of people who really know about planning events like this.  You should try it!

spockforprez

CMGragain said:

Dear MIL, I am so happy that you are planning a vow renewal after all your years of marriage.  I do hope we can attend, but finances will make this very difficult for us.
There is this wonderful website, called The Knot, that gives great advice on planning vow renewals.  They have a lot of people who really know about planning events like this.  You should try it!

I think about directing people here all the time but then I'm like nahhh, they'd totally recognize me and even though I try to be careful with what I share I would still feel weird having friends and family read my posts.

CMGragain

I did have someone recognize me, and she was delighted.  She was trying to figure out how to word her invitation.  She was one of the nurses in my oncologist's office.

STARMOON44

If you don't want to buy a particular dress, say no. If you don't want to go on the trip, say no. If other people don't want to go, they can also say no. 

I don't think it's your place to lecture her about what is right, nor do I think it would be effective. 

MesmrEwe

At 40 years, it's o.k. to do a renewal as it would also be at the 50yr mark.  If anything, you've just got to be up front about the finances and ability to take off from work to attend such an event.  Chances are if they've been married this long, many of their friends are at/near retirement so likely have a guesstimate on who'd be able to attend and not.  If you comment on anything in relation to the event, it's your budget for the BM dress and your ability/inability to attend, otherwise "Blood talks to blood!". 

LondonLisa

A good rule of marriage is everyone handles their own family. Your husband should say "Mum, unfortunately money is tight so we can't go on a cruise but we are looking forward to having you over for dinner to celebrate when you're back". 

I have a feeling that that when she starts to see the declines, she'll learn the error of her ways.

MyNameIsNot

I don't think it's your (or your FI's) place to say anything about expecting people to attend. If you don't want to go, don't go. There's no reason to say anything about anyone else being able to go, unless she's actually complaining about declines to you.

I would side eye the hell out of BMs at a vow renewal. She's not a bride! If I were in your shoes, I would start referring to myself as a wifesmaid.  

banana468

What is your relationship with your MIL?   I can't tell if you're questioning what she wants to do or if you're trying to tell her that she's wrong.

FWIW, I'm side-eyeing BMs for a vow renewal but even with the issues I have with my MIL, I'd consider wearing the dress.   That said, I'd talk with my DH so we make sure that his parents are aware of what we are able to do.  If we DID go on the cruise and opt to wear the attire, I'd make it clear that doing so WAS our gift and that was it.   

What does your DH think? 

[Deleted User]

My parents are celebrating 40 years of marriage tomorrow.  My sister wanted to throw them a party.  I told sister how we would do it, i.e. actually "host" ourselves and not ask other friends to make cakes/apps, that we wouldn't expect mom to clean her house for it, but would have it at a restaurant or something, and that it wouldn't be a surprise for my parents.  Once told, my parents were trying to figure out if this was something where they'd invite the family from across the country or just local folks.  Then they decided they didn't even want a party at all.  We went out to dinner last night to celebrate; sushi, yum.  Sister and I gifted the parents a "travel voucher" for a vacation of their choosing.  Even though it was a lot of money, I think I saved money over throwing the party.

Just decided to tell this story as a comparison; my super low-key parents versus OP's party-wanting ILs.  (My parents also eloped, after knowing each other for only 2 months, but not at 19 years old.)

levioosa

For my grandparent's 60th anniversary we all went on a cruise (kids and grandkids).  It wasn't pressured though.  Everyone was excited to do it, and I'm also sure my grandparents would have paid for people if they weren't able to do it on their own.  The cruise was actually my aunt's idea.  

CMGragain

levioosa said:

For my grandparent's 60th anniversary we all went on a cruise (kids and grandkids).  It wasn't pressured though.  Everyone was excited to do it, and I'm also sure my grandparents would have paid for people if they weren't able to do it on their own.  The cruise was actually my aunt's idea.  

If a family decides to go on a cruise together to celebrate an event, that is fine.

If someone "invites" guests to spend money on a cruise so that they can witness an event, that is not OK.  The point is that you cannot invite people to spend their own money.

As for the OP, I think she should keep quiet unless her opinion is asked, but it wouldn't hurt to recommend us.

levioosa

CMGragain said:

levioosa said:

For my grandparent's 60th anniversary we all went on a cruise (kids and grandkids).  It wasn't pressured though.  Everyone was excited to do it, and I'm also sure my grandparents would have paid for people if they weren't able to do it on their own.  The cruise was actually my aunt's idea.  

If a family decides to go on a cruise together to celebrate an event, that is fine.

If someone "invites" guests to spend money on a cruise so that they can witness an event, that is not OK.  The point is that you cannot invite people to spend their own money.

As for the OP, I think she should keep quiet unless her opinion is asked, but it wouldn't hurt to recommend us.

I never insinuated that the bolded was okay.  I was simply sharing something my family had done.  I even specifically said that nothing was pressured, and that it wasn't planned by the couple themselves.  

CMGragain

levioosa said:

CMGragain said:

levioosa said:

For my grandparent's 60th anniversary we all went on a cruise (kids and grandkids).  It wasn't pressured though.  Everyone was excited to do it, and I'm also sure my grandparents would have paid for people if they weren't able to do it on their own.  The cruise was actually my aunt's idea.  

If a family decides to go on a cruise together to celebrate an event, that is fine.

If someone "invites" guests to spend money on a cruise so that they can witness an event, that is not OK.  The point is that you cannot invite people to spend their own money.

As for the OP, I think she should keep quiet unless her opinion is asked, but it wouldn't hurt to recommend us.

I never insinuated that the bolded was okay.  I was simply sharing something my family had done.  I even specifically said that nothing was pressured, and that it wasn't planned by the couple themselves.  

You misinterpreted my post.  What your family did was fine!  What the OP's MIL is doing is NOT.

emmy72

I have to agree with PP's. Although it's incredibly rude to "invite" people to spend their own money, interjecting your opinion when it isn't asked for will only land you in an uncomfortable situation. And make this whole ordeal worse.

This situation will sort itself out. Only shell out what you can afford, I'm sure the rest of the family will do just the same, and MIL will start to get the picture. Expecting your relatives to use their hard-earned (and maybe nonexistent) vacation $$$ on your vow renewal is ludicrous. $50 worth in gas money to travel to a wedding? Sure, anything for family. $1000s? That's crossing a line.