Wedding Woes

Morals vs. money?

Dear Prudence,
I’m a 20-year-old lesbian (no girlfriend, yet). Last month I came out to my parents, who were totally supportive. My grandparents are a different story. They’re very religious, and when my older cousin came out to them, they cut her and even her parents out of their will and stopped speaking to them. If it were just me, I’d be fine dealing with their hatred, and I’d prefer not to have to hide all my future girlfriends, but I don’t want to hurt my parents financially and emotionally by doing that. They’ve said the decision of whether or not to tell my grandparents is up to me. Which is the best decision, morally?

—Where There’s a Will

Re: Morals vs. money?

  • She doesn't need to "come out" - let the grandparents "figure it out" and mind you, some people can't figure stuff out if it hit them across the face with a 2x4, but that's another discussion for a different day...  Gosh dang - I've got a cousin this way - EVERYONE - including my parents - have figured out he's Gay as can be... his parents - not so much - this after he's brought his now late "Roommate" along to many family events..
  • I never felt the need to declare my sexuality to my grandparents and I don't think LW should have to either. Not in a closeted, secret way but in a "it's not really their business" way. I am not gay but knowing friends who have come out to their parents, I might just let that be enough for now. I might be completely off base but I probably wouldn't make a big announcement to the GPs. Not even because of money but because I don't want to talk to my Gma about my romantic relationships.
  • GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    How many kids are there?
    Because eventually they might run out of people to cut out of the will
  • I never came out to my grandparents, because they're mostly old-fashioned and bigoted and I only see them once a year or so anyway. I never felt the need to tell them who I was dating, because it was judgement all around. For example, I caught hell at 28 when my mom, trying to make conversation, told them I moved in with my BF (now-FI) because an unmarried woman should be living at home with her parents, and certainly not with a man...Inheritance never entered the equation (there's no money to inherit), but the drama was just never worth it. 

    I wouldn't come out to them if I were LW. Unless she's particularly close to them, it's none of their business. 
  • I'd also like to know where she got the idea that this is a "moral" issue.  I really dislike it when people in minority communities (for me, LGBT+ and atheists) push people to come out.  Yes, representation is important.  Yes, people can and do change their opinions when they suddenly know someone of a marginalized population.  Yes, passing and privilege are very real issues that need to be addressed by those of us who can.

    But some people don't change.  She already has solid evidence that grandparents aren't going to.  For some people, coming out is literally dangerous, physically, socially, and/or emotionally and sometimes all 3.  This isn't a moral question, no one has a right to know your sexual orientation except for the person sharing mutual interest in being in your bed.
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