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Wedding Woes

I wish people would stop policing what's normal for other people

Dear Prudence,
I was adopted as a baby and was never told anything about my birth parents, except that they were unmarried and couldn’t take care of me. My adoptive parents divorced when I was 5. I would consider them my caretakers, not parents. I now live several states away from them and rarely see them. Here, most people would say that I should find my birth parents. But I don’t want to find them. Part of this is fear: I already have two parents who are indifferent to me. I don’t want it confirmed that my birth parents are, too.

It might be nice to meet my birth parents, but I don’t really want a relationship with them. When I’ve told people this, they think I am strange. But I am happy with my life as it is. I have close friends and have had several fulfilling romantic relationships, even though my last boyfriend ended things because he said I didn’t really know what family is since I’m not in touch with my own. Does every adoptive child need to discover their heritage?

—Don’t Want to Find My Family

Re: I wish people would stop policing what's normal for other people

  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer

    DH was adopted and he doesn't want to meet his birth parents either. His adoptive mom was killed by a drunk driver when he was 4 and his adoptive dad is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's, yet he still doesn't want to meet his birth parents.

    Different strokes for different folks.


    MesmrEweKnottie1452098987OurWildKingdom
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its

    The way LW writes, it sounds like this is several, if not many people teeing her this. TF is wrong with people?

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    JediElizabeth
  • I've heard of adopted kids wanting to know at least family history for health reasons. It might be worth for that factor alone.
  • I've heard of adopted kids wanting to know at least family history for health reasons. It might be worth for that factor alone.
    "I've heard of adopted kids wanting to know at least family history for health reasons."  Okay, their call.

    "It might be worth for that factor alone."  Nope.
    VarunaTTmrsconn23ShesSoColdJediElizabeth
  • Shit, I wish I adjusted to life events as well as LW seems to.  I can't believe someone broke up with her just because she doesn't care too much about meeting her bio parents.  There's so many differences in how families function that it's crazy to think that because someone else thinks about them differently makes them lack an understanding of what family is.  It seems like LW is completely capable of building her own family.
    VarunaTTOurWildKingdom
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I've heard of adopted kids wanting to know at least family history for health reasons. It might be worth for that factor alone.

    I've heard of people staying in cheating relationships - doesn't mean it's up to me to tell you (general you) to do the same.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    mrsconn23VarunaTTlevioosa
  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 Clare Island member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    And there are other ways to find out about genetic health issues. 

    My mom was adopted, never looked for her birth mom. My only question is about Alzheimer's, but that's still a newish question yet.
  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited May 2016
    I've heard of adopted kids wanting to know at least family history for health reasons. It might be worth for that factor alone.
    This is a grey area. My father was adopted and when they unsealed recods in our area so that people could find out medical information, he put his name on the list (there were several reasons for this and his doctor recommended it).

    However, once his name was on that list, his biological family was able to find him. Guess what? Sometimes there are good reasons that you are given up for adoption. Although my dad's adopted father was an ass, his mother was awesome and the rest of his extended family is great.

    I have learned through the years that family is not only about blood, but about the people you want in your life.

    ETF: writing before coffee = grammar fail
    thefanciestbecklerOurWildKingdom
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    My grandmother was adopted and her birth mother gave a fake name and birthplace when she checked into the hospital. She never talked about or inquiried about her birth parents and no one asked her either. Now as later generations grow, we're curious, but more so because she has strong genes and everyone asks us what nationality we are and we legitimately have no idea but suspect it's Native American. 

    Admittedly when I was a freshman in college I had a roommate who was the product of an affair and never knew her birth father or his name. She had no interest in ever meeting him, which to 18 year old me was nuts, but I get it now.  
    image
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its

    I have a half brother. My dad's girlfriend got pregnant in high school and they got married. Two years later they divorced and her boyfriend adopted the kid. My dad has no desire to see him and no one in my family has ever been contacted by him.

    I wonder about him, though. Actually as of 2007 when I worked at the courthouse and had access to info like that, he lived in the town I just moved to. Apparently he looks like my dad. I will shit if I see him at the Jewel.

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • Shit, I wish I adjusted to life events as well as LW seems to.  I can't believe someone broke up with her just because she doesn't care too much about meeting her bio parents.  There's so many differences in how families function that it's crazy to think that because someone else thinks about them differently makes them lack an understanding of what family is.  It seems like LW is completely capable of building her own family.
    People break up with people for all sorts of dumb reasons. I had a bf break up with me while going through my cancer treatment because it was too stressful for him... Like ok I get it, it sucks and we were young but it'd be nice if I could just breakup with myself and not deal with it too but I can't... 

    Honestly I'm usually surprised that adopted people want to find their birth parents however I wouldn't judge them for it, it's obviously their choice. To me there was probably some reason they felt they couldn't take care of a child so it's probably going to be a disappointment to meet them. Also I believe that creating a child does not make you a parent, to be a parent you need to take care of the child.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    OurWildKingdom
  • I have a half brother. My dad's girlfriend got pregnant in high school and they got married. Two years later they divorced and her boyfriend adopted the kid. My dad has no desire to see him and no one in my family has ever been contacted by him.

    I wonder about him, though. Actually as of 2007 when I worked at the courthouse and had access to info like that, he lived in the town I just moved to. Apparently he looks like my dad. I will shit if I see him at the Jewel.


    Is that legal to look up that information? I know in healthcare, I'd get fired if I looked up information that wasn't pertinent to a patient I was working with.
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    ernursej said:

    I have a half brother. My dad's girlfriend got pregnant in high school and they got married. Two years later they divorced and her boyfriend adopted the kid. My dad has no desire to see him and no one in my family has ever been contacted by him.

    I wonder about him, though. Actually as of 2007 when I worked at the courthouse and had access to info like that, he lived in the town I just moved to. Apparently he looks like my dad. I will shit if I see him at the Jewel.


    Is that legal to look up that information? I know in healthcare, I'd get fired if I looked up information that wasn't pertinent to a patient I was working with.

    Shrug. I doubt it's illegal. It's public info, just was easier for me to access. I'm talking about stuff like traffic tickets.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    mrsconn23
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