A 4 men situation that can be saved.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My fiancée is 46, and I am 38, but it seems like he is turning into a cranky old man. When we first started going out a year ago, he was very active, but now I am wondering if it was a show put on for a younger woman. Now I am not sure I should continue the relationship. I am a very active person and have tons of friends, but all he wants to do is lie around in bed. He does not have a lot of friends. I have to drag him out to do anything, and he wants to go to bed early and sleep in late. He is also constantly complaining about physical ailments (his neck, his back, his legs), but when I encourage him to seek medical treatment, he won’t. Honestly, I think he just likes to complain.

He also has become angry and bitter, and it’s bringing me down. I have tried to turn his perspective around, but it never changes. Sex has dwindled to once every two weeks, from every other day (I have a very high sex drive), and he never initiates it. He says I make him happy, but if this is his definition of happy, I don’t know what his definition of unhappy is! Before you say he is depressed, I don’t think that is the case, and even if it was, he would never seek help. He is otherwise kind, loving, and stable, and I am attracted to him. However, this has been getting worse and worse. What do I do?

—How Old Is Too Old?

bleve0821

DTMFA.

I feel like if she rereads her own letter, she'll find her answer.  Obviously, the man she's about to marry is not the man she thought she knew.  She may make him happy but I read nothing here that the feeling is mutual. Better to find out now than after the wedding.

ShesSoCold

AtomicBlonde said:

DTMFA.

I feel like if she rereads her own letter, she'll find her answer.  Obviously, the man she's about to marry is not the man she thought she knew.  She may make him happy but I read nothing here that the feeling is mutual. Better to find out now than after the wedding.

Exactly. This is one of those "if this were my friend, I'd be telling her to run" scenarios. Sorry, LW, move on with your life.

DrillSergeantCat

From what she's saying, he sounds depressed. Even the physical ailments can be attributed to depression. If he's not willing to get help for any of it, move on. 

scrunchythief

I don't get why LW is assuming this is about their age difference.  38 isn't drastically younger than 46, at least in my experience.  This, if it's not depression, just sounds like their lifestyles are very different, which can happen at any age.  My grandparents were literally weeks apart in age, but my grandpa was very active and loved traveling, while my grandma was a homebody.  They made it work since they didn't mind doing their own thing.

OurWildKingdom

DrillSergeantCat said:

From what she's saying, he sounds depressed. Even the physical ailments can be attributed to depression. If he's not willing to get help for any of it, move on. 

I concur with this, and also would caution LW that he didn't get depressed overnight, so he won't bounce back overnight. 

MesmrEwe

DrillSergeantCat said:

From what she's saying, he sounds depressed. Even the physical ailments can be attributed to depression. If he's not willing to get help for any of it, move on. 

...or thyroid disease believe it or not...  Every last thing from the suddenly needing to sleep more, to the low sex drive, the physical, the personality shift, is all linked in to hypothyroid...

short+sassy

MesmrEwe said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

From what she's saying, he sounds depressed. Even the physical ailments can be attributed to depression. If he's not willing to get help for any of it, move on. 

...or thyroid disease believe it or not...  Every last thing from the suddenly needing to sleep more, to the low sex drive, the physical, the personality shift, is all linked in to hypothyroid...

I agree it sounds like the LW's FI has some kind of medical problem.  Unfortunately, if he isn't willing to get help, she needs to bail if she is not willing to accept him the way he is now.

I have an extreme case of hypothyroid.  Doctors have described my thyroid as having "almost no function".  I take a high dose of medication to control it but, the bummer is, it is not one of those medicenes (sp?) that takes effect right away.  It slowly builds in your system and takes about 6 weeks to reach the level it needs to be.

I don't get grumpy or depressed when it isn't being controlled.  Though those can be symptoms for other people.  I also don't have physical ailments or a lack of sex drive like the LW described.  But I do feel too tired a lot, which also causes me to have a lack of motivation.  I also have a major problem with my weight, in part due to my thyroid.

Some other lesser known symptoms of hypothyroidism is feeling cold and hair loss.  I do tend to feel colder than the average person.  The hair loss is usually just associated with men and a low thyroid, but mine has manifested in an odd way.  The hair on my head is just fine (thank goodness!), but I stopped growing hair on my legs when I was 25.  I never had much anyway, but it's still weird.  I still grow hair on my arms, but it is very short and much more sparse than when I was in my early 20s.  I even asked one of my doctors about it and she was surprised.  She said, although she had never heard of that before, she could see why it would happen.

Sorry for the brief tangent on hypothyroidism!

DrillSergeantCat

MesmrEwe said:

...or thyroid disease believe it or not...  Every last thing from the suddenly needing to sleep more, to the low sex drive, the physical, the personality shift, is all linked in to hypothyroid...

Good point. My mother had Grave's Disease and just sat and cried constantly.