Don't want to crush my friendship with my crush, but I'm really crushin'.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 
I’m a woman in my late 20s who’s always thought of herself as straight (ignoring my crush on a woman during grad school). Recently I was surprised to find myself drawn to a woman I work with who’s about 10 years my senior (neither of us reports to the other). Over the last year, we’ve started spending a lot of time together and now she’s a close friend, but I started to realize early on that my feelings for her were strong. I’m hesitant to tell her how I feel, partly because we work together and partly because of our friendship. She was supportive when I mentioned that I was questioning my own sexuality, but I’m pretty sure she’s straight (she’s mentioned a guy she once dated, and a male celebrity she found attractive, but that’s it). But I feel like I’m stifling myself by not expressing this to her, especially because it’s been almost 10 years since I was seriously attracted to anyone—it’s really rare. I don’t think she would tell everyone at work or end our friendship if I told her. Do you think it’s worth telling her, just to clear it up? Or should I continue making myself miserable to avoid awkwardness at work and possibly losing this friendship? (I guess I could always move.)

—Afraid to Tell

MissKittyDanger

This woman may be bi, she only insinuated she's straight because of mentioning a couple males.
What about using a hypothetical question to this woman? Almost asking without mentioning yourself or her ... might be worth a shot.

missJeanLouise

I have a big thick line at dating co workers. I don't care how much I like them, that has never worked out well for me.

cowgirl8238

missJeanLouise said:

I have a big thick line at dating co workers. I don't care how much I like them, that has never worked out well for me.

This!  This is where I stand on it all.  I don't date coworkers...it has too much potential to go wrong and get WAY, way awkward!  If one of them is leaving, or if it gets serious on its own over time so be it...but I wouldn't ask unless I was okay with some strange looks whenever we passed in the halls.

VarunaTT

IDK, I might have a different answer if this woman wasn't a co-worker.  Exploring your sexuality is a fine thing; not at work.

charlotte989875

I think Prudie's responses to many letters today should be don't try to sleep with/date someone you work with. 

missJeanLouise

Additionally, LW can and should look outside the workplace for relationships with her new knowledge about herself 

SaintPaulGal

Eh, I personally think people make too big a deal out of never.ever.ever dating someone you work with.  Work colleagues are the people we spend the most time with, and you automatically have something major in common.  I think it makes perfect sense for romance to develop under those circumstances.  If neither person is the other's boss and it looks like it could have the potential to be a real and lasting relationship, I think it could be worth giving it a shot.

In this case, though, I think step 1 has to be figuring out if this colleague is even interested in women.  It would be horrifyingly awkward and pointless to confess romantic feelings for her if she is straight and thus by definition not interested.  If they really are such close friends, it shouldn't be that difficult to discuss sexuality in the abstract.

PrettyGirlLost

SaintPaulGal said:

Eh, I personally think people make too big a deal out of never.ever.ever dating someone you work with.  Work colleagues are the people we spend the most time with, and you automatically have something major in common.  I think it makes perfect sense for romance to develop under those circumstances.  If neither person is the other's boss and it looks like it could have the potential to be a real and lasting relationship, I think it could be worth giving it a shot.

In this case, though, I think step 1 has to be figuring out if this colleague is even interested in women.  It would be horrifyingly awkward and pointless to confess romantic feelings for her if she is straight and thus by definition not interested.  If they really are such close friends, it shouldn't be that difficult to discuss sexuality in the abstract.

It can be a big deal, though.

There are tons of letters written in about situations where an office romance goes left and then there's a whole lot of messy fallout to deal with.  It causes enough problems that a lot of companies have policies against it explicitly so they don't have to deal with the drama, lol.

Even if you are lateral colleagues, you add dating or sex into the mix and then the relationship sours, and now it's awkward or worse at work- it could become hostile, and now supervisors and possibly HR are involved trying to move someone to a different department, or you're stuck looking for a new job when you otherwise wouldn't all because you shat were you eat ;-)

I dunno if he Risk/Reward ratio is high enough that I'd risk it.  Maybe if I didn't really love my job and didn't mind leaving.

*Barbie*

The other piece of the puzzle would be how LGBTQ friendly her workplace is - an office romance will add a level of drama, but a LGBTQ relationship (especially for 2 women who are not openly 'out' at work) would probably add more fuel to the fire.