What is proper etiquette on Invitations for separate wedding and "reception"?

imaebemily

I just got engaged a couple days ago, and while my FI and I have picked a date, we are currently keeping it on the DL. We have decided that it's best for us to have the ceremony and "reception" separately. We know that this is less of a traditional reception and more of a marriage celebration.

Because my father is a minister (and has been at the same church my entire life) there are a lot of people who will be expecting invites despite the fact that I don't know them all that well. I am a fairly shy person, and I have never wanted a big wedding, while my FI loves a good party. So to make everyone happy, we have decided to have a semi-destination wedding with just family (about 50 people since we have large families) and then the "reception" a couple days later. 

Ideally, we would have the "reception" a couple weeks later, but because his family and best man are coming from halfway across the country it would be better on them to have it closer to the wedding.

Our current plan is to film the wedding and then show it at the ceremony at the beginning of the party. It will be pretty short, and everyone still gets to see us exchange vows. We probably won't do the traditional reception things like a first dance and bouquet toss because a) it's not technically a reception and b) we obviously aren't much for tradition.

My big question here is: What do you call this reception thing, and do you send Save the Dates for it or just invites?

LondonLisa

imaebemily said:

I just got engaged a couple days ago, and while my FI and I have picked a date, we are currently keeping it on the DL. We have decided that it's best for us to have the ceremony and "reception" separately. We know that this is less of a traditional reception and more of a marriage celebration.

Because my father is a minister (and has been at the same church my entire life) there are a lot of people who will be expecting invites despite the fact that I don't know them all that well. I am a fairly shy person, and I have never wanted a big wedding, while my FI loves a good party. So to make everyone happy, we have decided to have a semi-destination wedding with just family (about 50 people since we have large families) and then the "reception" a couple days later. 

Ideally, we would have the "reception" a couple weeks later, but because his family and best man are coming from halfway across the country it would be better on them to have it closer to the wedding.

Our current plan is to film the wedding and then show it at the ceremony at the beginning of the party. It will be pretty short, and everyone still gets to see us exchange vows. We probably won't do the traditional reception things like a first dance and bouquet toss because a) it's not technically a reception and b) we obviously aren't much for tradition.

My big question here is: What do you call this reception thing, and do you send Save the Dates for it or just invites?

You are thinking about this the wrong way. Your wedding is the day you get married. Anything after that day is just a party. A reception must be held immediately after your ceremony in the same day.  You must host your families for a meal (if it's a destination wedding) after your ceremony. This doesn't have to be a fancy event, you could just take everyone out for a late lunch at a casual restaurant, but that is your wedding. 

You are welcome to host a party later for any reason- but this is not a wedding reception. It shouldn't have any wedding-related things: no ceremony, bridal gowns, gifts, first dance, etc.  Treat this like any other nice party. Do not show people footage of an event they were not invited to. 

You need to separate these 2 separate events. And you are right, it should be a few weeks after your wedding. A few days seems excessive. 

However, if you are going to the trouble of hosting 2 parties, I don't understand why you don't just make it 1 event. You could have a private ceremony, this means immediate family only (less that 10% of your guests). But if you are ok with getting married in front of 50 people, 100 wouldn't really make that big of a difference. Why do you not want to host everyone invited to the party at the ceremony?

The easiest thing would be to just make this 1 event. 

levioosa

You are going about this the wrong way.  No one deserves an invite to your wedding.  If you are not close to people, then don't invite them.  Easy.  

The only thing you could do is a "celebration of marriage" which should take place a few weeks after the wedding.  There shouldn't be any toasts, cake cutting, first dances, or other "wedding-y" type traditions.  And definitely not playing a video of an event you excluded people from. Just make life easier for yourself and have the wedding with your friends and family.  Miss Betsy from church doesn't need an invite.  

MobKaz

imaebemily said:

I just got engaged a couple days ago, and while my FI and I have picked a date, we are currently keeping it on the DL. We have decided that it's best for us to have the ceremony and "reception" separately. We know that this is less of a traditional reception and more of a marriage celebration.

Because my father is a minister (and has been at the same church my entire life) there are a lot of people who will be expecting invites despite the fact that I don't know them all that well. I am a fairly shy person, and I have never wanted a big wedding, while my FI loves a good party. So to make everyone happy, we have decided to have a semi-destination wedding with just family (about 50 people since we have large families) and then the "reception" a couple days later. 

Ideally, we would have the "reception" a couple weeks later, but because his family and best man are coming from halfway across the country it would be better on them to have it closer to the wedding.

Our current plan is to film the wedding and then show it at the ceremony at the beginning of the party. It will be pretty short, and everyone still gets to see us exchange vows. We probably won't do the traditional reception things like a first dance and bouquet toss because a) it's not technically a reception and b) we obviously aren't much for tradition.

My big question here is: What do you call this reception thing, and do you send Save the Dates for it or just invites?

Your plan does not make any sense.

Why the reenactment?  In theory, the vows are the most intimate component of the wedding.  If your introverted personality causes you to be uncomfortable doing this in front of a large crowd, it makes NO SENSE to reenact these vows in front of a large crowd, merely in a different venue.

Choose a wedding, and have ONE.  I would honestly be insulted to be invited to "The Weddng, part deux", and then watch the ceremony I wasn't good enough to be invited to in the first place.  Have a legitimately INTIMATE wedding, and then a celebration of marriage in the near future.  But do not reenact anything, including "probably not" first dances and bouquet tosses. 

You most certainly do NOT send STD's for a party.

Helenahhandbasket

I'm really shy too, so I can understand not wanting a large wedding reception.

However what stood out to me as especially odd was playing a video of you taking your vows for 100 people.  The thought of seeing myself blown up on a large screen makes me uncomfortable, because of my inherent shyness.  Add to that it sort of seems like you are rubbing it in the faces of the people who are not invited to your wedding.

You say you are going to have 50 people witness your vows.  That's a nice sized party, just have your wedding and receive those 50 people at the venue of your choice.

If your dad's church friends feel left out, let your dad host a celebration of marriage party a few weeks later in a church hall.  

CMGragain

imaebemily said:

I just got engaged a couple days ago, and while my FI and I have picked a date, we are currently keeping it on the DL. We have decided that it's best for us to have the ceremony and "reception" separately. We know that this is less of a traditional reception and more of a marriage celebration.

Because my father is a minister (and has been at the same church my entire life) there are a lot of people who will be expecting invites despite the fact that I don't know them all that well. I am a fairly shy person, and I have never wanted a big wedding, while my FI loves a good party. So to make everyone happy, we have decided to have a semi-destination wedding with just family (about 50 people since we have large families) and then the "reception" a couple days later. 

Ideally, we would have the "reception" a couple weeks later, but because his family and best man are coming from halfway across the country it would be better on them to have it closer to the wedding.

Our current plan is to film the wedding and then show it at the ceremony at the beginning of the party. It will be pretty short, and everyone still gets to see us exchange vows. We probably won't do the traditional reception things like a first dance and bouquet toss because a) it's not technically a reception and b) we obviously aren't much for tradition.

My big question here is: What do you call this reception thing, and do you send Save the Dates for it or just invites?

Your plans are very, very rude!  Please reconsider!

If you want to have a small wedding with 50 guests, then have a small wedding with 50 guests.  There is nothing wrong with this.  IMMEDIATELY after the ceremony, you will have your wedding reception for those 50 guests to thank them for coming to your ceremony.

1.  The reception MUST be held on the same day as the ceremony, preferably with no long time gap between ceremony and reception.

2.  You and your FI must thank each guest in person, and then offer them food and drink.  This can be as simple as cake and punch, a nice formal brunch or luncheon, or as elaborate (and expensive) as a full meal with dancing, open bar, etc.  The cake and punch reception only works in the mid afternoon.

3.  You only get ONE DAY.  No extra wedding receptions.  Very tacky and gift grabby.  It is also insulting to your guests to have a consolation party for people who didn't make your invitation list.  The fact that your father is a pastor, and the ceremony will be religious makes this whole idea even worse!

Of course, you can have a party any time you wish, but it will not be a part of your wedding.  It will simply be a party to celebrate.  No showing up in your wedding gown, or anything with wedding connotations.  You will no longer be "the bride".  You will be a married woman who has sense enough to have a nice, small wedding day that suits her and her fiance.  It would be OK to display wedding photos and honeymoon photos, but please don't ask people to sit through your wedding video.  It just emphasizes that they were not on the invitation list.

The proper thing to do for people who cannot be invited to your wedding is to send them a formal marriage announcement in the mail.  This is not mailed until after your wedding is over, but you can have them ready to send.

Reverend and Mrs. John Pastor

announce the marriage of their daughter

Jane Louise

to

Mr. George Joseph Bridegroom

June 23, 2017

Anytown, New York

redoryx

As others have pointed out, you have to do SOMETHING immediately after your wedding for the 50 guests coming. You don't get to exchange vows and then say "Peace, see ya'll at the party on Friday." So at this point you have to play two events: a wedding + small reception (even just dinner somewhere) and now this church party. 

No one is owed an invitation to your wedding. if you don't want to invite church people, don't invite them. If they get all pissy about it, that's on them, not you. I've had friends whose parents were the minister at our church -- I never once felt owed an invitation to their wedding just because we went to the same church, that's ridiculous. 

Have your 50 people wedding, have a good party after for your FI, and if your dad wants to host something at the church a couple of weeks later he can but it should not have any reenactments or trappings of a wedding whatsoever. 

thisismynickname2

redoryx said:

No one is owed an invitation to your wedding. if you don't want to invite church people, don't invite them. If they get all pissy about it, that's on them, not you. I've had friends whose parents were the minister at our church -- I never once felt owed an invitation to their wedding just because we went to the same church, that's ridiculous. 

Have your 50 people wedding, have a good party after for your FI, and if your dad wants to host something at the church a couple of weeks later he can but it should not have any reenactments or trappings of a wedding whatsoever. 

Hi OP
Judging by the fact that you put "reception" in quotes and mentioned you wouldn't have first dance type stuff, I think you know something was off in the plan. 

There is no shame in having a small wedding- the above sums it up perfectly. Celebration of marriage parties are not uncommon. 

Also, in case anyone tries to throw you pre-wedding events (i.e. showers) you have to ensure that anyone on the guest list is invited to witness vows. Being invited to gift-giving events when one isn't invited to witness vows is also rude. Something to keep in mind. 

People get really excited to invite everyone they've ever known to an event that's not even about them. Stick to your guns if you want 50 people or fewer at your vows. 

Jen4948

Etiquette holds that your "wedding reception" immediately follow your wedding ceremony on the same day, with no gaps between them. Any party held to celebrate your marriage on a subsequent day is a "wedding celebration," but not a "wedding reception," and there are to be no reenactments or videos of the ceremony at that party. It's a separate event from your wedding.

Also, you can't invite anyone to attend the ceremony and not host them at the true "reception" which immediately follows the ceremony. Nor is it polite to invite 50 people to the ceremony and others to the later event.

You need to completely reconceive the whole thing in order for it to pass etiquette muster.

cowgirl8238

OP, your plans make no sense.  You are shy but you want to put yourself through two parties instead of one?

I would have the ceremony/reception once on one day.  I would invite the people you want to include.  Then you're done.  One day, one ceremony, one reception.

No one is entitled to an invite.  If your church group wants to celebrate with you later on they can, don't feel obligated to include them on your wedding day.  Have a celebration of marriage party with no wedding trappings.  No reenactments (or video!), no first dances, no cake cutting/feeding, no attendants.  You can display some wedding photos and have as big or as little of a party as you wish.

southernbelle0915

If you feel you can't get out of this obligitory situation with your dad's congregation, I would do this: 

wedding at 2:00
reception 2:30-4:30 in the church gathering room 
    - serve water, punch, cake and light snacks

Have an anniversary party where you do it up DJ, caterer, party style if that's what you want.

SP29

A small wedding is fine! No one is owed an invitation to your wedding. However, anyone invited to the ceremony must be thanked for doing so, and thus hosted at a reception with food and drink appropriate to the time of day. THIS is your wedding day. Only those who are invited to your wedding can also be invited to any pre-wedding parties.

You are free to host a party any time you like. However, this cannot be your reception (that's after your ceremony), and it has nothing to do with your wedding. It can be a celebration of marriage, but you would not re-enact anything from your wedding. As hosts of a party, you are free to invite whoever you like. Again, you host your guests with food and drink appropriate to the time of day. The party can be as simple or as lavish as you like (open house, sit down meal, DJ and dancing- whatever you like). A host should always greet their guests and thank them for coming. A host may cut the cake for dessert, but always serves their guests first (i.e. no feeding each other the cake). A host may open up the dance floor, but this shouldn't be a spotlight dance. There is no mention of bride or groom- you are husband and wife. No "first" traditions- you are already husband and wife. No other wedding traditions (garter or bouquet toss, wedding party, head tables, etc)- this isn't your wedding.

You may bring photos of your wedding, but you should not show your wedding video. 1) You shouldn't hold your guests as a captive audience and 2) It can be seen as rude because you are pointing out to your guests, "Look at what you missed because you weren't invited". If it is so important for you to share your ceremony with these people, then invite them to your wedding!

Because this is a separate event, it requires separate invitations. "You are invited to attend the celebration of marriage party for John and Sue". Date, time, location. No STD. This party should be a few weeks later, even a month, as it is a separate event. Your family/friends from OOT are not required to attend.

I think an easier thing you could do, is have your smaller wedding where and when you want (ceremony and reception), and then host an open house a few weeks later to "Meet the newlyweds!". More casual- no confusion over the type of party, traditionally not a gift giving event, cheaper and easier to plan.

ahoywedding

If you want a small ceremony I *think* it's ok etiquette-wise to have an immediate family only (parents & siblings + SO's/children) and then a reception for others immediately following. I had a few cousins who did this, and it worked great. Both were super casual, but we still got to see the couple on their wedding day and they were very unstressful to plan.

If your father wants to include church friends, have the reception at a non-meal time and serve snacks & drinks (alcoholic or not, depending on your preferences and/or church rules). You can invite a larger number of people without adding significantly to the cost. 

imaebemily

We have decided to go ahead with the big wedding! It still scares me a little, but I know I'll have my best friend by my side! Thank you for all the advice.