Secondary infertility is ruining my sister's mental health

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
In the decade since my sister married her husband (when her daughter was 4 months old), she has suffered from multiple miscarriages and one stillbirth. This has devastated them emotionally and financially and now I think my sister is driving her family to the point of no return. She has been fundraising on Facebook for yet another round of fertility treatments. My brother in-law confessed to my husband that sex only happens when my sister thinks she is ovulating, that he “doesn’t have an actual wife anymore.” My niece has asked me why she isn’t “enough for Mommy.” She has become extremely withdrawn lately and I am very worried about her. I feel for my sister but she brushes off all concerns. What can I do? I don’t want to hurt her but at this point she is damaging the family she has in pursuit of the one she dreams of. How can I get her to see that?

—Baby Obsessed

MissKittyDanger

My first thought is this woman is trying not to feel like a failure. Society has been so pushy on "if you can't have a baby, you're a failure of a woman" {whether situations like this happens or you decide not to have kids}

I think she needs to be in counseling/therapy to deal with what's happening, to understand she isn't a failure and remind her to take it down a notch. 

OliveOilsMom

I don't know if there is anything LW can do in this situation.  She has tried talking to the sister and nothing comes of it.  I think this needs to fall more on the BIL.  I think he needs to take his wife to marriage counseling.  The sister is so focused on having another baby that she can't see how this is effecting her H and child.  Since the BIL does confide in LW's H, maybe this can be offered to him as a way to help his marriage and wife.

I feel so terrible for LW's sister. 

banana468

The stress of infertility can be comparable to someone going through cancer. 

I think the sister needs some serious therapy.     And it's important to understand that the miscarriages and stillbirth are major losses to sister.   They are children that she had that she doesn't have.   That can be absolutely devastating.  

I'd highly recommend that one sister talks to the other about seeing a trained professional.  

Also, if she's going through fertility treatments, that can completely fuck with your hormones which can do a number on how you feel as a person.   All of this should be handled by someone trained and hopefully sister is open to it.  

Those who deal with her need to understand that these are her feelings and they probably can't be controlled.   You can't often "dial them down" without proper coping techniques.     And in the meantime I'd hope that the reaction people have with her is one of reminding her of the good in her rather than snapping about how she's behaving.    It takes a toll on everyone but I just hope that those in her life seek counseling as well.

mrsconn23

SIL had infertility issues and was on message boards/groups about them.  I've also dealt with women in my mom group that have had infertility and a co-worker had secondary infertility.  

We've had conversations about how infertility can be a huge mind-fuck for some women.  And they get so driven to have the child they can't have...to the point where it's detrimental to them and their spouse/marriage and other relationships.  It's so sad that her daughter is vocalizing her fears and feelings of rejection.  

Sadly, this woman's plight and reaction to it is not uncommon.  But it's not healthy either.  I hope she can get help, and I think her sister should talk to her about how she's concerned...but she needs to leave the sex life part out of it.  It will not help her sister to know that BIL betrayed her trust by discussing their sex life (or lack thereof).  But all *anyone* can do is encourage the sister to get help.  If she won't, then they either need to live in the situation they're currently in or make changes with or without her. 

sparklepants41

My heart goes out to the LW's sister. I really hope she gets the help she needs and deserves. 

*Barbie*

i don't think LW should get involved, unless her sister specifically asks for advice/input/support. in that case i would say that the LW could suggest counseling/therapy as people have already discussed. i feel like giving the sister unsolicited advice is only going to cause a fight. 

i'm also side-eying BIL here, because i feel like he's enabling this. he's bitching about not getting sex, but at the same time doesn't sound like he's told her "enough is enough, i don't want to keep going through this." I realize he's being impacted on a different level since he's not the one carrying the babies/not facing the social stigma - but he can still feel grief for the losses - after all, they were his children, too. He needs to speak up and talk to his wife now before he reaches a breaking point - push for therapy (couples and individual) or let her know that he will be ok with just the one kid/he's not willing to continue on this path.

we talked about this before we were married - i know DK wanted kids, but i also knew that i didn't want to go through significant fertility treatments to have them. I wanted to make sure refusal to go through IUI and IVF weren't dealbreakers for him if we did have trouble TTC/losses. I realize that feelings can change when you're going through a serious medical or emotional crisis - but I feel like this wasn't discussed in this case. 

charlotte989875

Why not encourage the BIL to suggest family counseling, or individual therapy, or at least therapy for the daughter? If it's affecting their child's like in this way already he should get her help if the mother isn't able to do that for herself at this time. 

MesmrEwe

The BIL needs to know he's supported in saying "it's time to take back the marriage" because it won't matter if she gets pregnant again if the marriage is essentially over.  Especially if they're working with a fertility doctor, they've likely got someone they recommend people to in these situations.  Those are babies she lost, it's nothing to do with the niece which makes it important that she spend time with the niece as a "Mentor Mom" time.  Nothing the LW can do though...