Are you giving her a chance to plan something?

mrsconn23

DEAR ABBY: I’m a lesbian and have been in a relationship with a woman for two months now. She never offers to pay for our dates, and she hasn’t planned or executed one, either.

We’re both very feminine, although she would be considered slightly more so than I am. I feel this is important because I’m somehow the more dominant one.

How can I address this concern without hurting her? I would like her to reciprocate somewhat. — DOMINANT IN CALIFORNIA

VarunaTT

Internalized gender roles are so damn stifling. 

Use your words.

short+sassy

Oh, look.  Dear Abby has letters also that are best answered with, "Use Your Words."

I get it.  That's messed up.  That's messed up for any relationship, including hetero ones.  From my experience, men usually paid for the first few dates.  But, once we were in a relationship, it usually naturally progressed to some combination of paying our own way/he'd pay for some, I'd occasionally reciprocate/he'd pay for some part of the date and I'd pay for the other.  Like he'd buy dinner and I'd cover the tip.  Or he'd buy the movie tickets, I'd get the snacks.  Sometimes it was pretty equal, sometimes it was more heavily on my b/f.  But I didn't just sit back for months and do nothing nice in return.

I'm a little curious if there is big financial difference in their situations.  I'm not saying its "right", but I could a little bit understand the dynamics better if the LW was rolling with a generous income while her g/f is barely making ends meet.  Though that still wouldn't explain the g/f not planning anything or at least cooking a nice dinner, once in awhile.

At any rate, this is a very valid conversation to have with her SO.  It will be awkward, sure.  But as more time goes by, the LW is only going to become more resentful.

CMGragain

mrsconn23 said:

DEAR ABBY: I’m a lesbian and have been in a relationship with a woman for two months now. She never offers to pay for our dates, and she hasn’t planned or executed one, either.

We’re both very feminine, although she would be considered slightly more so than I am. I feel this is important because I’m somehow the more dominant one.

How can I address this concern without hurting her? I would like her to reciprocate somewhat. — DOMINANT IN CALIFORNIA

Somebody please explain to me what being a lesbian has to do with this problem?

VarunaTT

CMGragain said:

mrsconn23 said:

DEAR ABBY: I’m a lesbian and have been in a relationship with a woman for two months now. She never offers to pay for our dates, and she hasn’t planned or executed one, either.

We’re both very feminine, although she would be considered slightly more so than I am. I feel this is important because I’m somehow the more dominant one.

How can I address this concern without hurting her? I would like her to reciprocate somewhat. — DOMINANT IN CALIFORNIA

Somebody please explain to me what being a lesbian has to do with this problem?

Because people, even if they're part of the LGBTQ+ population, still think someone has to be the "guy' and someone has to be the "girl" in a queer relationship.  B/c patriarchy.

CMGragain

I must be too liberated.  I thought traditional dating rules with gender roles were a thing of the past.

MissKittyDanger

VarunaTT said:

CMGragain said:

mrsconn23 said:

DEAR ABBY: I’m a lesbian and have been in a relationship with a woman for two months now. She never offers to pay for our dates, and she hasn’t planned or executed one, either.

We’re both very feminine, although she would be considered slightly more so than I am. I feel this is important because I’m somehow the more dominant one.

How can I address this concern without hurting her? I would like her to reciprocate somewhat. — DOMINANT IN CALIFORNIA

Somebody please explain to me what being a lesbian has to do with this problem?

Because people, even if they're part of the LGBTQ+ population, still think someone has to be the "guy' and someone has to be the "girl" in a queer relationship.  B/c patriarchy.

Admittedly guilty of often wondering these things - typically out of curiosity.

MesmrEwe

Reminds me of a Tony Robbins relationship video my mentor had me watch on "Masculine" and "Feminine" energies which has nothing to do with gender.  LW needs to use her words and/or move along.  Equal Masculine/Masculine or Feminine/Feminine energies is a recipe for frustration and explosive relationships (and NOT in a good way!)..