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Wedding Woes

What the what at all these letters from people who will not be assertive

Dear Prudence,
I am a socially anxious and naturally private person, which generally means that my acquaintances and co-workers don’t know very much about me. I’m not one to share things about my personal life without being asked direct questions. For example, I’ve been working nights at a part-time job in addition to my 9-to-5 for months and only just recently told my co-workers that I have a second job. Divulging this felt like a big deal.

My problem is this: I have a long-distance partner who is trans nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns. My co-workers have no idea I’m dating anyone, and my partner feels that this is odd and erases their identity. The idea of having a personal conversation with my co-workers in general is stressful, and the idea of talking to them—all older, all higher in rank, all less-than-savvy when it comes to gender identity—about personal pronouns is anxiety-inducing for me. I want to be my partner’s primary ally and help educate the people in my life about nonbinary identities. After all, they have to deal with people “not getting” their pronouns and identity every day. How do I push myself to share more of my personal life without anxiety and learn to approach the conversation of pronouns with people in a professional setting—particularly polite office talk?

—How to Help

Re: What the what at all these letters from people who will not be assertive

  • kvrunskvruns member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer


    I feel like the bigger problem here is the long distance partner is using their social anxieties to force LW to abandon theirs. 

    There has to be a way for long distance partner to feel acknowledged without forcing the anxious ridden one to do something they wouldn't do regardless of who their partner is. 


    agreed

  • VarunaTT said:

    I was out of the office and sick all day, so I'm just catching up on Prudie.

    I think long distance partner is out of line actually.  If LW is this anxious and private, partner should recognize that.  I'm pretty private at work anyway and don't usually tell people anything about my personal life (I just found out every one thinks I'm super religious b/c I like wearing skirts to work; I cackled and didn't bother to correct, b/c I don't care to share to correct their perceptions).  

    LW would be this way if partner was hetero-normative, so this isn't about partner being erased.  


    Me too!  I do tend to dress outside the norm.  I tend to find pants uncomfortable, including jeans, and they're generally not flattering on me anyway.  I'm short.  So my legs are short.  I carry most of my weight in my hips and thighs, but then have a small waist.  All of that boils down to pants suck on me, lol.  

    I almost exclusively wear skirts and dresses.  Except at work, if I wear a knee-length skirt, I feel obligated to wear pantyhose.  Which I hate with the heat of 1,000 suns.  So, my solution?  I wear long skirts or dresses at work.  All the time.  I have for years.

    At a previous job, and I don't remember how it came up, but it turns out that some of my coworkers thought I was a Mennonite (something like that) because of the long skirts and how conservatively I dress.

    Which I thought was a little weird because, although they are appropriate for an office position, the tops I wear aren't all that conservative.  Sure, necklines that aren't low enough to show cleavage, but almost all my tops are a V-neck or a boat-neck.  As opposed to turtlenecks or even shirts that hit right at my neck. 

    Definitely amusing at the time!  I'm just a boring Lutheran and not one who is very observant of my religion anymore, anyway.   

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

  • kvruns said:

    @short+sassy  pantyhose? YUCK! Just say no



    Oh, I do, lol!  To be fair, I don't think my work requires that women wear pantyhose with skirts.  But I don't feel "right" if I'm wearing a nice, knee length dress skirt with bare legs.  Though, no judgment to anyone else!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker




  • kvruns said:


    @short+sassy  pantyhose? YUCK! Just say no





    Oh, I do, lol!  To be fair, I don't think my work requires that women wear pantyhose with skirts.  But I don't feel "right" if I'm wearing a nice, knee length dress skirt with bare legs.  Though, no judgment to anyone else!


    I wear nylons {something funky typically - colour or print} and only if it's cooler out. Like during fall or spring
    short+sassy
  • @short+sassy yeah, pretty much the same for me re: build.  Plus it's "no pants" day every day for me!  I don't wear hose though, I gave it up around 23 and said no more.  Though my legs are starting to look pretty beat up (I'm a terrible scratcher b/c of allergies) and I've been considering it.  I do throw on tights every now and then.  Most of my dresses/skirts fall a few inches below the knee though, so I let it slide.


    short+sassy
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