First he has to be supportive

Ro041

Dear Prudence,
I was wondering if you could direct me to a good book for the partners of adults who have suffered childhood abuse (both physical and emotional). My boyfriend grew up in an idyllic, loving, supportive middle-class family. When I look back, the first thought that comes to mind is “I endured.” He does not seem to understand the level of trauma I went through and is either unwilling or unable to accept it and how it has shaped me as a person. He is an avid reader. I think a book discussing this topic might help him understand what I have been through. Is there anything you would recommend?

—Book for Boyfriend

levioosa

Well that's just sad. And if bf is brushing off her experiences, then that's a red flag and I don't think a book will help. 

banana468

Maybe his upbringing wasn't so great if he's not understanding that people have different experiences.  

charlotte989875

Not sure a book is going to help here. It sounds like he's not even trying to hear LW out here, and that would be a big problem for me. 

VarunaTT

I'm a little hesitant to write the BF off.  In my experience, people really don't understand and they do put up barriers.  I get a lot of 'it can't have been that bad."  I think it's really b/c people don't want to think about child abuse in such a personal way and I can empathize with that (I'd really rather not think about it; I can catch myself thinking about it in the third person, rather than as something that happened to me).

IDK any books though.  But book reading has been what's helped me in a lot of social journeys (racism, queer theory, and Alzheimer's comes to mind immediately), so I don't think her idea should be discounted.  I hope she finds one that works.

*Barbie*

maybe some books about children who were abused e.g. "a child called 'it'" so he can see, that yeah, it really can be that bad. 

charlotte989875

I'm not trying to say a book can't help, and maybe there's not enough information in the letter for me to infer this, but it sounds like the BF is not super interested in hearing here. Maybe a book will help this, but if she's telling him this was something that had a profound effect on her, and he's not at least open to hearing/learning about it, that's a problem a book, probably, isn't going to fix.  

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

I'm not trying to say a book can't help, and maybe there's not enough information in the letter for me to infer this, but it sounds like the BF is not super interested in hearing here. Maybe a book will help this, but if she's telling him this was something that had a profound effect on her, and he's not at least open to hearing/learning about it, that's a problem a book, probably, isn't going to fix.  

It is hard to tell from the letter if the b/f is trying to understand, but doesn't.  I'd give a lot of room, if this is the case.  Or if he doesn't understand because he hasn't made an effort and/or acts like her childhood abuse was NBD and/or "sucks, but couldn't have been that bad".

I've had to struggle with this myself in my own relationship.  Except on the other side of the coin.  I did have a pretty idyllic childhood.  My H did not.  He was put up for adoption at the age of 2 and adopted at 4.  On the surface, to me, that sounded like a, "Great!  Even being on the older side, you were adopted into a new, loving family."  Puppies and rainbows.

Except that wasn't the way he saw it.  He still has a lot of resentment toward his parents.  He grew up feeling like he was a "gold star" for his community/socially-minded parents.  To trot out for pats on the back.  He also felt like a replacement for their own son who had passed away about a year before he was adopted.  That was hard for me to understand for a long time.  Because how could it be true?  Parents love their children and they chose him.  Plus, he does have good memories of his parents and family also.

I reconciled this for myself with that there is rarely a black/white truth with childhood.  I wasn't there.  He was and this is his perception.  It's something I can be sensitive with and try to understand, but I can never truly understand because I didn't experience it.

kimmiinthemitten

Empathy for Assholes?

"He does not seem to understand the level of trauma I went through and is either unwilling or unable to accept it and how it has shaped me as a person."

I'm with @charlotte989875 on this one.  It sounds like LW has tried to explain to her SO what that was like and he's not interested in hearing it. Not only is it not very partner-like, but could be a red flag for how he handles conflicts in the future.

MissKittyDanger

kimmiinthemitten said:

Empathy for Assholes?

"He does not seem to understand the level of trauma I went through and is either unwilling or unable to accept it and how it has shaped me as a person."

I'm with @charlotte989875 on this one.  It sounds like LW has tried to explain to her SO what that was like and he's not interested in hearing it. Not only is it not very partner-like, but could be a red flag for how he handles conflicts in the future.

I've seen people bring up things about trauma in later arguments just to hurt the person.