Should I warn others?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I was in an abusive relationship years ago. I’m now happily settled with a wonderful woman and am not affected in my everyday life by this abuse. But I wonder if I should go public with this, in order to warn other women in the queer community here, which is a very small world. By letting my friends know she was both emotionally and physically abusive to me, am I doing others a service or setting myself up for drama and retaliation? I’d kind of like to make it known, but I’m wary of any possible resulting conflict or negative effects on my life.
—Do I Out My Abuser?

MissKittyDanger

I believe there are places you can talk about the situation to raise flags in other people's lives without stating who it is.

STARMOON44

Both. It’s a service, there will be drama, there will be retaliation 

southernbelle0915

"Why did you break up?"
"Because she was emotionally and physically abusive."

I wouldn't go spreading the word, but certainly you don't have to cover for this person when asked about the relationship. Maybe there will be retaliation, but an abuser doesn't deserve to be covered for.

short+sassy

It is definitely the LW's choice.  Though, I'm not sure it would necessarily be healthy for her to make a point to call out the abuser.  It seems like that would just bring back bad memories.  However, if the abuser's name naturally comes up and/or she sees a friend forming a romantic interest, then I think those are good opportunities to say something.

I had a similar experience though, (thankfully!) without the physical abuse.  I went to a small college with an even smaller Greek system.  I was in a sorority and my b/f was in a fraternity.  Yeesh, practically all our friends were mutual.  After we broke up, I didn't purposely go out and bash him.  But, if I was asked what happened, I was honest and didn't protect him either.

The social dynamics actually turned out to be weird, surprising, and TBH hurtful.  It seemed like my "sisters" more sided with him after the break-up, but his "bros" more sided with me.  My only guess on that is his "bros" knew him better than my "sisters" did.  I think they had at least an idea of the depths of his cruelty. 

VarunaTT

I'm of mixed feelings about this.  Partner violence is so rarely talked about in queer communities in the first place, and finding help for it can be very difficult.  Part of me wants to tell LW to take out an ad, make a song, get a billboard, something, to warn other people.  I mean, what rights does an abuser really get here?  Especially since there was physical abuse.

The other part of me knows that drama will be stirred up.

IDK, I say bring it.  Sometimes, the queer community can be it's own worst enemy, suffering from the need to make everything "look" perfect so that the bigots don't have more reasons to come after us.  I'd try and let it come up naturally at least.

oliviaengaged

if I were you , when I leave that place and nerve back, i will spread the word to her family, her friends. Letting them know the real her.

ILoveBeachMusic

@oliviaengaged, these are letters to Dear Prudence not things actually going on in Mrsconn23's life. Many times newcomers think that she is actually writing the letters. Just a heads up.

charlotte989875

Our advocates work with survivors to decide what they want to do; it's all about the survivor's choice, but with talking through what could happen if you disclose abuse. I'd tell her to work with an advocate to think about all the potential outcomes associated with telling people and let her make a decision that is best for her. 

MissKittyDanger

ILoveBeachMusic said:

@oliviaengaged, these are letters to Dear Prudence not things actually going on in Mrsconn23's life. Many times newcomers think that she is actually writing the letters. Just a heads up.

I think it's a new ploy and @mrsconn23 has a lot of problems :') she's just to shy to say it's her!

short+sassy

MissKittyDanger said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

@oliviaengaged, these are letters to Dear Prudence not things actually going on in Mrsconn23's life. Many times newcomers think that she is actually writing the letters. Just a heads up.

I think it's a new ploy and @mrsconn23 has a lot of problems :') she's just to shy to say it's her!

So, not me, but my friend...

MissKittyDanger

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

@oliviaengaged, these are letters to Dear Prudence not things actually going on in Mrsconn23's life. Many times newcomers think that she is actually writing the letters. Just a heads up.

I think it's a new ploy and @mrsconn23 has a lot of problems :') she's just to shy to say it's her!

So, not me, but my friend...

A friend of a friend ....