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Wedding Woes

Um, why WOULDN'T you tell her off?

Dear Prudence,
My longtime friend “Toni” is getting divorced from her husband, “Cal,” after his affair. It has been very messy. Toni has gone scorched-earth and demanded everyone choose a side. Cal is very close to my husband and my daughters. I have known Toni for over 15 years—including when she had an affair and had an abortion to keep it a secret. I held her hand during the procedure. Toni just accused my 23-year-old daughter of having sex with Cal because she wanted both Toni and Cal at her graduation. My daughter called me crying, and I don’t know what to do. My immediate impulse is to call Toni and tell her off and then let everyone else know what Toni did. I know that is not the right thing to do, but I don’t know what that is.
—Scorched-Earth Friendship

Re: Um, why WOULDN'T you tell her off?

  • I get why Toni may be scorned (however hypocritical much after her affair?)....but once she starts attacking my kin...I wouldn't tell her off, I may just go after her with my bare hands....
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I’d certainly call her and tell her off, but I don’t know if I’d start telling all of my friends. That starts to stray into the realm of juvenile drama. Toni sounds like she’s about to lose a lot of friends. 

  • I’d call her out, privately, and remind her of how her friends were there during her own indiscretions. I would NOT start telling anyone else. That’s not your place and none of anyone else’s business. 
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2018
    I don't think that LW should go around shitting on Toni to anyone who will listen, but she does need to confront Toni.  This isn't something you let go of or don't address.  The fact that LW seems to be 'all or nothing' about confronting Toni about what she said about her daughter is confounding to me.  I don't care what you're going through, once you start dragging my kids into your bullshit (especially a messy divorce), the gloves are off.  (While I know the daughter is an adult, she's still only 23 and if Toni started this shit over an invitation, she can fuck all the way the hell off.) 

    IF someone asks LW about what Toni has said about her daughter, she should say, "I don't know why Toni has said this about my daughter and it has been devastating to her and to me." 
  • The right thing to do is call your friend, inform her that she is dead to you, and never speak to her or about her again. 
    Agreed.  Why is the LW waffling on this?  If Toni was an ice cream flavor it would be pralines and ass. 

    Also, why is this a question on LW's part at allllllll?   The very clear answer is that when you know someone is accusing your loved one of something ridiculous out of spite you don't give that person any attention and moveon.   Toni is making it really clear for the LW to choose sides and why she isn't makes me wonder if she needs a backbone.
  • i'd just call her and tell her off, but telling everyone about she has done could make this messier than it already has. Think of other idea so that this can settle cold-headedly
  • I find it beyond despicable that Toni would drag LW's daughter into all this drama. LW should tell Toni that ever the hurt she has caused LW's family, their friendship is over and she never wants to hear from Toni again. 

    That said, LW also shouldn't drag everyone else into this drama now by telling them all what Toni did. The only thing she should really do in the regard is have a short (and perhaps somewhat vague) answer ready if anyone approaches her about it, i.e. "Hey, Toni's been bad-mouthing you to everyone, what's going on?" At no point should she mention Toni's affair or the abortion, no matter how angry she is right now.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would tell Toni off, certainly, because she dragged the LW's daughter into her shit. But the rest of it is nobody else's business.
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