Trying to make good out of something awful.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My son married a woman with three children and raised them with her for more than six years. They divorced three years ago, and she began to cut off contact with the children on a whim to punish him and us. My husband and I consider them our grandchildren, but we had no legal rights to see them. Last Christmas, my former daughter-in-law told us we could deliver the children presents and take them out to eat. When we were 15 minutes away, she called and told us to turn around, and wouldn’t even let us speak to them on the phone. This has been devastating.

My son refuses to speak about it anymore and has asked us to take down all the pictures of the children we have in our house. We boxed them away. My problem is that my husband and I started saving a college fund for the children after our son got married. I don’t know what to do about it anymore. We have no other grandchildren, and giving it to my son’s ex would be like setting it on fire. Her gambling addiction and reckless credit card debt ruined her marriage and forced my son to declare bankruptcy. In my dreams, I imagine seeing my grandchildren when they are grown and offering it to them, but I know that isn’t going to happen. What should we do? Donate it? Give it to my son? Hold on to it in case our son ever remarries? It isn’t a vast sum of money, but it feels tainted now—a reminder of the children we lost.

–Blocked-Off Inheritance

ShesSoCold

I'd hold on to it for now. There's a lot that can change (they may reconnect, the son may have children or stepchildren, etc.). 

If this were me and it ended up that there were no kids to gift this to, I'd take my family on a vacation with it or give it to my son. 

OliveOilsMom

I too think LW should hold onto it.  It is very sad about the children.  I think if LW is able to stay even tangibly in touch, LW should think about giving the fund directly to each child when they turn 18.  Or try to contact their college to pay their part of the fund directly to the college - even if it is anonymously.

But if LW loses complete contact with the kids, I think they should save it for their retirement, any future grandchildren that might come along, or eventually gift it to the son.

kvruns

I would hold onto it and it also depends on how they saved it. If it is in a 529 plan it is a bit locked in (aside from paying some hefty fees to use it for non-school related stuff) but could be offered to the kids later if things get better or to another family member (niece/nephew, cousin, whoever). If it is just $$ earmarked in a savings account or investment fund I'd save it and see what feels right. Maybe you end up giving it to your son to help him get back on his feet, maybe you go on a kickass vacation, or donate to charity. There shouldn't be a rush to use it so I don't know why LW is that concerned over it right now.

ShesSoCold

Waaaaaaaaaaait a minute.

The part where son filed bankruptcy must not have sank in with me. Like kvruns said, depending on what type of account this is in, if it were relatively easy and penalty free to pull out, I would definitely give it to my son now to help him get back on his feet. 

charlotte989875

Even though the son doesn’t want to address the state of the situation anymore, I might ask him what he wants to do. Maybe offer it to him, or see if he wants to have you keep it for future children? 

Or donate it to one of many amazing scholarship programs for underserved students. That’s definitely a way to honor children. 

short+sassy

Another heartbreaking letter.  I need to get my tissues out today, lol.

Those poor grandparents.  And those poor grandkids also.  Not quite related to the letter and I know we don't have the mother's side, but she sounds outright horrible.  Sure, fine, hate your ex-H.  Nothing wrong with that.  But, ffs, let the love for your children be stronger than your hate.  Because I bet your kids love him like a dad.  And love his parents like their grandparents.  I bet your kids have cried many times over missing all of these people who love them right back.

I think the grandparent's should just let that money be, for now.  Hopefully things won't be as dire in the future as they are now.  And the mother will at least occasionally allow limited contact.  If not, especially with all the social media out there, I don't see why they couldn't contact these children once they are over 18 and find out what their educational goals are at that time.

Worse case scenario...which it really isn't!...is @charlotte989875's idea of donating to a scholarship program for underserved students.

MesmrEwe

Wait a year and then decide over the course of the next year.  My guess is that it's something that's accessible..  First would be take care of their own family's needs first, the son probably needs some "get back on his feet" assistance once the window for the Bankruptcy has closed, but then, scholarship for students in need or provide money to new teachers (or more experienced ones who have been moved to new grades/subjects) to set up their classrooms, or art/votech/music/theater/etc. programs that need the assistance.  

The issue comes if they're getting to the health point of life where the money is a "use it or lose it"...