There has to be other options...or maybe y'all aren't MFEO?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I bought my condo years ago, before property prices went sky high. It is a two-bedroom with easy access to public transportation and excellent schools; I get to work in 15 minutes. My girlfriend and I are talking marriage but stalling over where we’ll live. She lives an hour and a half away with her parents and two daughters, ages 12 and 9. She works in the city but insists we sell my condo and buy a big house in the suburbs. Her girls “need” a yard, separate bedrooms, and “space to grow.” She constantly complains about her commute, her parents’ interference, and the cost of her car, and I don’t understand how it makes sense to sell my condo to buy a McMansion that I will never see in daylight. Neither of us wants more children, and it doesn’t seem like the end of the world to make two sisters share a room. (I grew up sharing a bedroom with my three brothers and liked it fine.) If she worked far away, I could see the sense of finding a halfway point, but her daughters will be grown and gone in less than a decade, and neither of us works in the suburbs. We keep circling back to this, even after having done premarital counseling.

—Suburbs vs. City

banana468

I think there's a major issue here.   Why can't GF help to contribute to a new home?  What is the size of the bedroom?  Sure you can put a 12 and 9 yo in the same BR but together in a condo can be pretty close quarters.   It can mean the shared space, smaller areas to stay, # of bathrooms, who gets control of TV, sound that travels faster, etc. 

LW seems to be missing the point here if he's just thinking about the bedroom.

And the GF is going to need to talk about financial arrangements and what she can offer and contribute to help this arrangement.

If they can't come to an agreement here then they may need to cut ties and move on.

STARMOON44

Lol at “grown and gone in less than a decade.”  Ok bro. You got some major learning to do about the reality of children. They are not mostly grown and gone at 18. 

flantastic

I think they need to talk about quality of life and why everyone wants what they want.

Do they share a room at their grandparents'? While a place introvert me can go to be separate from everyone else is important (and why I hate open concept houses/condos), it isn't necessarily the end of the world to share a room. (I did. You deal.) Do the girls' personalities actually make it so that sharing a room would be pretty hard for them, or is it just some overblown concept the mom has of what kids deserve?

Do they currently spend all day out in the yard? If not, I don't know if they "need" a yard. (This comes from someone who prizes our large, flat backyard for family "soccer," etc.) Even still, you can't find another condo or house in the city but across from a park?

The choices aren't "this condo" or "McMansion."

banana468

flantastic said:

I think they need to talk about quality of life and why everyone wants what they want.

Do they share a room at their grandparents'? While a place introvert me can go to be separate from everyone else is important (and why I hate open concept houses/condos), it isn't necessarily the end of the world to share a room. (I did. You deal.) Do the girls' personalities actually make it so that sharing a room would be pretty hard for them, or is it just some overblown concept the mom has of what kids deserve?

Do they currently spend all day out in the yard? If not, I don't know if they "need" a yard. (This comes from someone who prizes our large, flat backyard for family "soccer," etc.) Even still, you can't find another condo or house in the city but across from a park?

The choices aren't "this condo" or "McMansion."

All of that too.  We went from condo to larger house.   The McMansions on the other side of town are outside our budget.   But now each kid has a room and we have a yard.

My guess is that there are houses in town that will work but this guy is not really open to making adjustments.   And that speaks more about his inability to compromise and play well with others. 

VarunaTT

I think this woman is BSC.  She has literally NOTHING coming in from living with her parents and 2 kids and she's laying down the law about what they should do.  I'm side-eyeing all over the damn place here.  I don't get the impression he won't compromise; I get the impression she wants what she wants and his needs/wants be damned and he's balking at that.

ShesSoCold

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

I think they need to talk about quality of life and why everyone wants what they want.

Do they share a room at their grandparents'? While a place introvert me can go to be separate from everyone else is important (and why I hate open concept houses/condos), it isn't necessarily the end of the world to share a room. (I did. You deal.) Do the girls' personalities actually make it so that sharing a room would be pretty hard for them, or is it just some overblown concept the mom has of what kids deserve?

Do they currently spend all day out in the yard? If not, I don't know if they "need" a yard. (This comes from someone who prizes our large, flat backyard for family "soccer," etc.) Even still, you can't find another condo or house in the city but across from a park?

The choices aren't "this condo" or "McMansion."

All of that too.  We went from condo to larger house.   The McMansions on the other side of town are outside our budget.   But now each kid has a room and we have a yard.

My guess is that there are houses in town that will work but this guy is not really open to making adjustments.   And that speaks more about his inability to compromise and play well with others. 

This is exactly what I'm thinking. He makes it seem like there is only one house on the market in the entire city and it's a mcmansion in the suburbs. He likes his condo so he's trying to defend it and make it seem like there are no other options.

He needs to compromise. There's gotta be a third option. Maybe a townhouse a little further away than the condo but closer than the suburbs where the girls can have their own rooms (for me, it would have been HELL to share a room with my sister. we're close now but we hated each other growing up and we both needed our space). Hell, maybe even keep the condo and rent it out since LW is so certain these kids will be gone in less than a decade (LOL). 

Sure, the kids don't NEED a yard or separate bedrooms but it sure as hell would be nice. And if your fiance doesn't want to live in your condo, you need to decided if your rigidity is more important than your future with her. 

banana468

VarunaTT said:

I think this woman is BSC.  She has literally NOTHING coming in from living with her parents and 2 kids and she's laying down the law about what they should do.  I'm side-eyeing all over the damn place here.  I don't get the impression he won't compromise; I get the impression she wants what she wants and his needs/wants be damned and he's balking at that.

That may be the case too.   But if he's considering marrying her and living with the kids in a condo I wonder how many cards are in that deck. 

ShesSoCold

VarunaTT said:

I think this woman is BSC.  She has literally NOTHING coming in from living with her parents and 2 kids and she's laying down the law about what they should do.  I'm side-eyeing all over the damn place here.  I don't get the impression he won't compromise; I get the impression she wants what she wants and his needs/wants be damned and he's balking at that.

I love that we all read the exact same thing and can interpret it so differently. Very interesting to me.

LW didn't mention anywhere that his GF didn't have any money, though. She could be living with her parents to save money, or to stay in a particular school district or something. 

You could very will be correct, but regardless if LW or his GF is the one being rigid here, there CAN be a compromise. City condo or suburban mcmansion are not the only options. 

ei34

Did the pre-marital counselor not suggest option C, a townhouse or small house in between the two points?  I live in a suburb of a large city- I don’t care how great the school district or commute was, I wouldn’t want to live in the actual city (at this point in my life).  I also wouldn’t want an hour and a half commute or to be right on top of my FILs, especially if LW’s FI complains about them.

I’m a bit more on the FI’s side, just bc of LW saying “if she worked far away, I could see finding a halfway point”.  Commute isn’t the only issue, I feel like he’s not taking the other concerns seriously.  

flantastic

eileenrob said:

Did the pre-marital counselor not suggest option C, a townhouse or small house in between the two points?  I live in a suburb of a large city- I don’t care how great the school district or commute was, I wouldn’t want to live in the actual city (at this point in my life).  I also wouldn’t want an hour and a half commute or to be right on top of my FILs, especially if LW’s FI complains about them.

I’m a bit more on the FI’s side, just bc of LW saying “if she worked far away, I could see finding a halfway point”.  Commute isn’t the only issue, I feel like he’s not taking the other concerns seriously.  

Yeah, everything he says makes me think he doesn't exactly understand what raising kids together entails. Maybe the FI needs to be clearer about why her wants would be good for her daughters, but I feel like he's coming at it like "Space for sleeping. Check. Well-rated school district. Check." and doesn't necessarily have a sense of the girls themselves. How much time does he spend with them, considering they're an hour and a half away, I wonder?

short+sassy

Mmmmm, LW, you had me at "downtown condo with a lot of equity".

But then I needed to shake off my lust and pay attention to what his problem is, lol.

I think both parties are being too rigid and unfair to each other.  Can we get some compromise here?  Because, like the PPs have said, I'm sure there are tons of options between McMansions 90 minutes away and stumble out the door into downtown.

I have come away with two key questions.  What is the square footage of the condo?  Because there are spacious two bedrooms with bonus space.  There are tiny two bedrooms.   And there are two bedrooms in-between.  In a city environment, I'm guessing it is tiny or, at best, in-between.  Not necessarily unmanageable, but it would be pretty close quarters in both the tiny/medium categories.

And what are her monetary contributions going to be?  Because I'm definitely getting the impression that her attitude is, "Ching, ching, let the cash register ring."  Sell YOUR asset, to get what I want.

As an aside, and this might be a UO, but he should protect that equity, if they get married.  Either with a pre-nup and/or sell the condo and buy another property.  Just with his money.  Do not let her contribute to the other property purchase or be on the title.  The condo is an asset before marriage and, essentially, he wants to keep it or its "value" from becoming marital property.  (General thoughts, not a lawyer, he should see one).

mrsconn23

Why isn't renting out this fabulous condo with all the equity until the kids are done with HS and then they move back an option?  They could then look for a place to rent on the outskirts of downtown, closer to her parents, so they're still close to jobs but out of downtown. 

What is the situation with the children's dad?  Why is she wanting to be closer to her parents if they meddle so much? 

Also, why does she think a 12 and 9 year old 'need' a yard?  In a few years, it really, truly won't matter because they'll be off doing their teenager stuff.  

How does this couple resolve other issues?  Are they at an impasse on anything else?  Also, how big of a role is he going to take in raising these kids?  How long has he been in their lives?  

So.many.questions. 

short+sassy

@mrsconn23, has even more good questions.

levioosa

@mrsconn said exactly what I was thinking. 

thisismynickname2

I enjoyed reading the comments on the Prudie site. The top comments were that dude needs to rent out his condo and try living in any new home with the woman and her children before parting with his condo. Try being a full-time step-dad before upending your life, basically. 

charlotte989875

With all the money she’d be saving on shortening that commute they could probably buy a bigger place in the city; or pay for private schools. 

But yeah, if you can’t work this out with the help of a premarital counselor maybe stalling the wedding talk isn’t the worst idea. 

MesmrEwe

thisismynickname2 said:

I enjoyed reading the comments on the Prudie site. The top comments were that dude needs to rent out his condo and try living in any new home with the woman and her children before parting with his condo. Try being a full-time step-dad before upending your life, basically. 

Bingo!  The red flags shot up at the "Living with her parents and demanding moving into a McMansion in the suburbs where neither of us work" and that was before mention of the kids!  Unless she's got quite the dowry and savings, "The key to marital bliss is owning two houses!"..  

maine7mob

They may be priced out of the market, even if his condo value has gone up. But even if that's true, it's generally a good idea for a couple to move into a new place together. There are exceptions, but there's less likely to be a mine vs yours situation if they both have to give something up.

And holy cow, "gone in less than a decade?" This is not a man who understands the reality of raising children!