Is it really a 'friend' group or just acquaintances from a hobby group?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am a queer woman living in a conservative, rural part of an otherwise liberal state. I am lucky to have support from friends who live elsewhere, but most people I know here think I’m straight. I am taking steps toward moving, but it’ll take a year or more before that happens. My plan so far has been to stay quiet while I am still here, and then once I move, I’ll have the advantage of being out in a more accepting place. It’s not a great solution, but I’ve been able to live with it until now. I met a woman I like a lot, and it looks like we might be headed toward a relationship. I have to decide if and when I tell my friend group here about my sexuality and this potential relationship. I feel strongly that I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I don’t want to feel like I have to hide anything that’s making me happy. It’s just been easier to remain in stealth mode. I don’t want to deal with their fundamentalist-ish perspectives; I don’t want to be their token gay friend whom they love “despite” that fact; I just want to continue board-game nights and let things remain on a surface level of intimacy. But now I’m conflicted. Do I stay in a glass closet until I can move? Will I be able to do that now that I’m seeing someone? It’s all very confusing.

—Coming Out Vs. Moving Out

short+sassy

My area is just the opposite.  Super right-wing, very conservative state.  Liberal city.  One of my tenants is a gay man.  He grew up an hour outside of the city and has shared with me what that was like.  He felt so much pressure to stay constricted and hide who he was, in his hometown.  Visits to New Orleans were his "safe haven".  Where he could be himself and not be judged.

First off, obviously this woman doesn't need to conceal who she is, if she doesn't want to.  But, since she asked and is in a quandry, here are my thoughts.  I'd like to know more about how close the LW is with this friend group.  And where her romantic interest lives.  She literally uses the word "surface", so my suspicion is that these are not close friends anyway.  Possibly not even people she would stay in much touch with, once she moves in a year.  I think she should just continue to leave it "surface".

My only caveat is if the new love interest lives in the same town.  I don't think she should hide herself and put the kibosh on a budding romance, just to hang on to superficial friends.

While I understand her not wanting to be their "token" gay friend, if she does choose to come out to them, a silver lining is she might open some minds for the better.  

charlotte989875

How often do you see this friend group and what exactly is the dynamic like? If they’re likely to be judgy then maybe not say anything, but then you know you can’t really be who you are with them. And what about bringing this woman with you? How does she feel about it all?

mrsmitten

So you don't want to deal with their fundamental attitudes and you don't want to be their token friend, but you still want to hang out with them for game night?

I think the LW needs to reconsider this "friendship" and if she wants to continue to spend her time with people like this.

ShesSoCold

I'm wondering what would happen if LW didn't say anything specific about her sexuality at all. 

Like, when it's game night, call the friend who is hosting and say, "Hey, I've been seeing someone and I was wondering if it's okay if I bring her with tomorrow." 

So they know it's a woman so the friends don't get all weird when LW and her GF arrive, but it doesn't draw a ton of unwanted attention to LW's sexuality. And if these "friends" are assholes and aren't okay with it, LW will know without having to see them in person again.

I admittedly don't know much about what is and isn't okay, but I do hate that anyone who isn't straight can feel like they have to explain themselves to others. I have never had to tell someone that I'm dating a man and I hope that we can move passed the assumption that everyone is heterosexual. 

mrsconn23

charlotte989875 said:

How often do you see this friend group and what exactly is the dynamic like? If they’re likely to be judgy then maybe not say anything, but then you know you can’t really be who you are with them. And what about bringing this woman with you? How does she feel about it all?

This. 

Also, LW mentions moving in a year (to a presumably more 'liberal' area).  Is she planning on being all 'deuces!' to these people or try to maintain a relationship and/or show up for these game nights or whatever?  IDK...It just sounds like LW doesn't trust these people, or some of them necessarily, and doesn't see what's she's currently doing and where she's currently living as her long-term plan, so only LW can decide on the depth of these relationships or how much to 'expose' herself?