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Wedding Woes

It's Monday again

2

Re: It's Monday again

  • Oh also, H wants to have a baby and said one of our rooms would make a great nursery. So I’m a little freaked out. 

    Whhaaattt!

    How are you feeling about that?  Or does the thought need to settle in a bit first?

    That was exactly my face. 

    He’s actually been saying things that this for a while. He definitely wants a kid. I don’t not want kids, I’ve always been on the fence. I really just worry I’d be a terrible parent (I don’t have a great relationship with my parents) and I really thought I’d be more together by the time we’d have kids. That Id be further along in my career, we’d have traveled more, be more adult than I feel. But I guess I also don’t want to wait too long. I was never a “child-free by choice person” or a “can’t wait to have kids” I’ve always been in between. 

    How did you all decide??


    I remember you've described this as your thoughts on kids before.

    I started out my adult life "on the fence".  I figured I would want children someday, but I think that was more coming from the idea of "that's how most people seem to feel", so that's how I'll feel someday too.  By my mid-20's, I still didn't feel a need to have children but, like you describe, I didn't "not" want kids either.

    My long-time b/f, at the time, wanted to have children.  And I was good with that.  Then we broke up and I started dating my H.  He has children from a previous marriage and did not want anymore.  I was good with that also.  But was worried I might change my mind.  The mythical...and it was sure a myth for me, lol..."biological clock" that people speak of.

    But the more that time went on, the more "no" I became about children.  Would that have been different if I'd hitched my star to someone who did want kids?  Maybe.  But I'll tell ya this.  There has never been even a moment in my life where I've felt, "Yeah, I know I really want kids someday."  Never.  So, maybe not.  But it's impossible to say.

    ----------------

    I want to swing back to talking about society.  I think there is a lot of assumption that people fall into one camp or the other.  When, in reality, I think there are a lot of people like yourself.  It's a big decision to make and it's makes sense people will be unsure if it is the right one.  After all, a baby is a bell that can't be unrung.

    I also agree with @banana468.  It might never feel like the perfect time.  It's almost like a mini-bucket list.  As in, I should have already done A-B-C before having kids and my life should look like X-Y-Z, before having kids.  The perfect time is when you and your H decide if/when you all are ready.

    I'm sure there will be lots of upcoming talks in the @charlotte989875 household.  I hope they go well and you all come to a decision that you're both happy with ((hugs)).         

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    charlotte989875
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Gorgeous, Varuna! Both of you!!! 

    I'm sorry you've been driven to these hard decisions. I can't imagine how it must feel to be pushed out of something you worked so hard at and believe so passionately in. But I applaud you for standing up for yourself, not taking this shit anymore and putting yourself first. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    VarunaTTOliveOilsMomCharmedPam
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2018
    VarunaTT said:
    Well, my weekend was a mixed bag.  The fundraiser was great.  K looked stunning, I felt like i looked good.  There was tension at the table and former ED and another board member were rude AF to both me and K.  Long story short: as of today, I am now not doing pride at all either.  I don't have hard feelings about how that came about, but I hope that there are some repercussions so that people start to look harder at the ED and asking question like, "What are you doing?  Where is the money going?"  It hurts, but it'll pass.

    Now I just want to go home.  The weather is horrible here.
    both of you look great!  also EW to him. I  hope that raises questions too so you can voice your opinion when asked.
    edit; I realized I put ED as a him, but it was never specified, so eww to ED then!

    VarunaTT
  • VarunaTT said:
    Well, my weekend was a mixed bag.  The fundraiser was great.  K looked stunning, I felt like i looked good.  There was tension at the table and former ED and another board member were rude AF to both me and K.  Long story short: as of today, I am now not doing pride at all either.  I don't have hard feelings about how that came about, but I hope that there are some repercussions so that people start to look harder at the ED and asking question like, "What are you doing?  Where is the money going?"  It hurts, but it'll pass.

    Now I just want to go home.  The weather is horrible here.


    You both look simply gorgeous!

    Hmmphh, the former ED and other board member.  You've put so much time and effort into Pride.  I know it must be hard to see those resources not being used well.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    VarunaTT
  • @varunaTT you both looked fabulous!  It's a shame ED and board member were jerks but it's good that you're doing what you need to in order to stay away from a toxic situation. 

    I'm starting to get stressed about Christmas gifts.  Not necessarily the money, but there are about 5 different exchanges we participate in.  No one is good though about giving gift suggestions or will just say "oh, I dont' need anything" or "i can't think of anything I want".  Idk, maybe I'm scroog-y, but if you don't want or need anything, why are we all just passing around $ and gift cards?  

    My MIL also asks for a list from us every year because there's just no way she could think of anything for us (she's very dramatic) but then when we send her lists, she never uses them.  It's very irritating.  There's lots of "around the house" items we'd love to get as gifts (snow shovels, ladders, hoses, etc) but she won't get us things like that because it's not "fun".  

    Sorry for the rant, but Christmas should not be this stressful. 
    VarunaTTeileenrobcharlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • Thanks, folx.  It'll be okay and I'll get passed it.  I did let the new president know all of my thoughts.  She is an amazing person and if the ED will simmer down and let her, she'll be a great president.  I picked her b/c she had strengths and skills I didn't, so maybe this'll make a different.  Also, @CharmedPam, it's funny b/c my ED is a woman.  And I told her she was treating my presidency in a sexist manner, b/c she kept telling me I needed to be "friends" with the board.  I was like, I don't need to be their friend, I need to be their president.  Friends is nice, not necessary, and fuck nice.

    Thanks for the compliments.  I'll have to share when we get the professional b/c K's dress was stunning and they were soooooooooooooo gorgeous in it.  We were definitely the belles of the ball.  :D
    ShesSoColdOliveOilsMom
  • V- you were GORGEOUS in the few photos I saw. 

    @casadena- we pass around gift cards At mil’s. Bill will ask for gift cards for his kids and grandkids but refuses to do that for ours. I try to come up
    with good ideas that don’t cost a lot, but he still manages to find those things in an even cheaper way. I suggest nail polish for m2. He finds some stuff that is separated in the bottle and clumpy. He bought makeup I put straight in the trash. No way was that lead and asbestos laden shit go on my kids face. Sorry rant. 
    VarunaTT
  • @VarunaTT WOW!  stunning, both of you!
    @Casadena ugh that’s annoying. I’d be stressed too.  I don’t exchange gifts with any adults but my siblings and in-laws and most years they all get a gift bag w/ a bottle of wine and a couple good bars of chocolate (aka “matching gifts” which I know we don’t do for BP’s lol).

    @charlotte989875 I don’t have an answer bc it’s so personal.  I have on-the-fence friends and I don’t envy you guys, I feel lucky that I did always know I wanted kids.  “When” for H and I came when I hit a career goal (permanent NY certification in school counseling) as well as settling in a neighborhood with great schools/community.  So really tangible things, as opposed to a sign.  The vibe I get from you is someone thoughtful, diligent, passionate and enthusiastic so (in my limited opinion) I think you’d be a great mom if that’s a path you choose.  I know it’s hard to do but try not to worry about your relationship with your own parents when picturing yourself as a mom.  People in my life tell me I’m a great mom but every night I go over in my head what I could’ve done differently or better.  My H isn’t the father to the kids I’d dreamed he’d be.  Every parent I know wishes they’d traveled more (although all of my friends in my age group kids or not wishes they could travel more...a new-mom friend who’s actually a travel blogger and has been to 32 countries wishes she’d seen more...so travel at least in my small world isn’t a huge factor).  But good luck mulling things over!
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomlevioosaVarunaTT
  • eileenrob said:
    @VarunaTT WOW!  stunning, both of you!
    @Casadena ugh that’s annoying. I’d be stressed too.  I don’t exchange gifts with any adults but my siblings and in-laws and most years they all get a gift bag w/ a bottle of wine and a couple good bars of chocolate (aka “matching gifts” which I know we don’t do for BP’s lol).

    @charlotte989875 I don’t have an answer bc it’s so personal.  I have on-the-fence friends and I don’t envy you guys, I feel lucky that I did always know I wanted kids.  “When” for H and I came when I hit a career goal (permanent NY certification in school counseling) as well as settling in a neighborhood with great schools/community.  So really tangible things, as opposed to a sign.  The vibe I get from you is someone thoughtful, diligent, passionate and enthusiastic so (in my limited opinion) I think you’d be a great mom if that’s a path you choose.  I know it’s hard to do but try not to worry about your relationship with your own parents when picturing yourself as a mom.  People in my life tell me I’m a great mom but every night I go over in my head what I could’ve done differently or better.  My H isn’t the father to the kids I’d dreamed he’d be.  Every parent I know wishes they’d traveled more (although all of my friends in my age group kids or not wishes they could travel more...a new-mom friend who’s actually a travel blogger and has been to 32 countries wishes she’d seen more...so travel at least in my small world isn’t a huge factor).  But good luck mulling things over!
    Thank you! This is so helpful to hear. I think my H would be a great parent; which makes me feel more of a yes.

     I just worry I’d screw up the kid, but I’m assuming that’s a fear everyone has? 


  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I'm sure everyone has that fear, Charlotte.

    I didn't know I didn't want kids until my mid twenties. I think I always thought I'd have them because that's just what you do, ya know? But never in my life did I look at someone else's baby and think, "Oh I cannot wait to have one of my own" or anything like that. Never. Closest I've come to that is maybe with like a puppy. So as time went by and I kept thinking about how horrible having a baby would be at X point in my life, I started to realize that I don't seem to want them at all! H and I started dating when we were 19 and 20 so we had 100 conversations about it and we came to the realization together that we don't want to be parents. 

    That said, though, I think H would be a wonderful father. He's patient, understanding, loving, he's learned from the good and bad with his own parents and he's not quick to anger. And there are few things cuter in life than a big tattooed guy painting tiny fingernails or kissing a tiny boo-boo. But that doesn't mean I'm going to make that happen for him. And he agrees.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    charlotte989875
  • banana468 said:
    All - yes, it's a ton of people and food.   Weather report is good so far and DH is doing is honey-do leaf clean up so I'm hopeful that the yard is in good shape by the time Saturday rolls around. 

    @charlotte989875, for DH and me I think it was more about age than anything else.   But we were also people who knew that we wanted kids and it was just a question of when and how many - not if. 

    If you wait for the perfect time to have them you just won't.   And I think it's a perfectly legitimate feeling to stress about the kind of parent you'll be.   I still do.

    That said - it's not a magical formula.   It's something that you figure out together.  I can say that I would love to travel more and do want to see more of the world but for me, I love what having our kids has brought to our lives.  That was the right answer for us.   


    Thank you so much for this. I definitely worry about the age; I’m 33, so not a spring chicken but not advanced maternal age. But if we do want more than one age definitely is a factor. 

    I really appreciate the “if you wait for the perfect time you won’t have them”. I’ve always felt, up until recently, that there were really wrong times, but now that we have then house, I have a good, stable, well paying job, that it’s no longer a “wrong” time. 
  • I'm sure everyone has that fear, Charlotte.

    I didn't know I didn't want kids until my mid twenties. I think I always thought I'd have them because that's just what you do, ya know? But never in my life did I look at someone else's baby and think, "Oh I cannot wait to have one of my own" or anything like that. Never. Closest I've come to that is maybe with like a puppy. So as time went by and I kept thinking about how horrible having a baby would be at X point in my life, I started to realize that I don't seem to want them at all! H and I started dating when we were 19 and 20 so we had 100 conversations about it and we came to the realization together that we don't want to be parents. 

    That said, though, I think H would be a wonderful father. He's patient, understanding, loving, he's learned from the good and bad with his own parents and he's not quick to anger. And there are few things cuter in life than a big tattooed guy painting tiny fingernails or kissing a tiny boo-boo. But that doesn't mean I'm going to make that happen for him. And he agrees.
    Thank you so much for this. This is how I felt for a long time. That it would definitely be the wrong time. But I have been feeling less and less like that, so maybe that’s a thing? I used to feel like a pregnancy would be the worst thing that could happen, but I definitely don’t anymore. 

    Im just such a planner. And I’ve planned things for so long to get to where we are and our plans have been successful. I think I’m hustler afraid I pick the “wrong” time. 
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    banana468 said:
    All - yes, it's a ton of people and food.   Weather report is good so far and DH is doing is honey-do leaf clean up so I'm hopeful that the yard is in good shape by the time Saturday rolls around. 

    @charlotte989875, for DH and me I think it was more about age than anything else.   But we were also people who knew that we wanted kids and it was just a question of when and how many - not if. 

    If you wait for the perfect time to have them you just won't.   And I think it's a perfectly legitimate feeling to stress about the kind of parent you'll be.   I still do.

    That said - it's not a magical formula.   It's something that you figure out together.  I can say that I would love to travel more and do want to see more of the world but for me, I love what having our kids has brought to our lives.  That was the right answer for us.   


    Thank you so much for this. I definitely worry about the age; I’m 33, so not a spring chicken but not advanced maternal age. But if we do want more than one age definitely is a factor. 

    I really appreciate the “if you wait for the perfect time you won’t have them”. I’ve always felt, up until recently, that there were really wrong times, but now that we have then house, I have a good, stable, well paying job, that it’s no longer a “wrong” time. 
    33 is nothing! I know a lot of women having them in their late 30's. Healthy babies too.  My sister for one :)  And I have heard that there is no perfect time from MANY people. 

    I agree with what @ShesSoCold said. Your kinda raised believing that that's what you do.  Get married.  Start a family.  I don't think I ever wanted them though.  I just didn't have that "motherly" gene in me even though I adore my nieces and nephews.  When I met H, who doesn't have a set 9-5 work schedule and it's just EVERYwhere and changes weekly, I just knew it wasn't right for us.  Most, if not all, of his coworkers have families and I just don't know how they do it.  They can be away from home for over 48 hours sometimes! 

    charlotte989875
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @charlotte989875 I was always on the fence about kids all through my 20s. Even into my 30s. From 28 until 32, I was with a guy that very much wanted kids, and he came from a big Irish family. All of his siblings had 2+ kids each. But as time went on, I just didn't see that life for myself, and to add to that, our relationship was a mess. 

    When I ended that relationship, I was still unsure. Then I met my H. He was on the fence too. And as we built our life together, I think we both realized that we didn't wants kids enough, and that we liked the life we were building just being the two of us. I never, ever felt an urge to have a baby. Neither did my H. I'm lucky in that sense - that we were both able to come to that same decision together. The more we traveled, the more we made plans - kids just did not fit into that. Add in that I had a bad childhood, as did my H. That experience had left me knowing that I would not be a good mother. 

    charlotte989875
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @charlotte989875 There is no right time to have a child, but from what you say here, you are about as ready as you will ever be.  You have the space for a child and you in a good school district and you both have good paying jobs.  

    I always knew I wanted kids, but H was on the fence.  H had some things he wanted done first before we had kids.  He wanted to travel a bit (he never traveled like he wanted with him having to help his mom after his dad's unexpected death) and he wanted us to have a good solid marital foundation.  So we waited a few years and in those years we traveled and built the strong foundation for our marriage.  We also needed a larger space, as we didn't have a bedroom in our first house for a child.  So once we reached those goals, we started trying, I was 33.  After trying for about a year, we reached out for extra help and started to see a fertility doctor.  But after working with the doctor on various aspects of my health, I was able to get and stay pregnant.

    I was 35 during the pregnancy and that is considered advanced maternal age.  The only extra thing that I had to do was get another ultrasound at 32 weeks to check on the amount of amniotic fluid.  

    I also won't sugar coat things, the first year is hard!  But it is so worth it, for me anyway!  H is a great father and as DD gets more and more self-sufficient, it gets easier.  And even with DD, we have traveled, its just a little different now.  We cancelled our Hawaiian vacation because of how she was on our "test" flight to FL.  We will try another short flight vacation again soon.  But I get such joy in hearing "Mama!" as I walk in the door and have my tiny person coming running up for a hug.  And H loves being a dad too.  I think he was surprised at all the fun moments we have shared in DDs short life so far.
    charlotte989875eileenrob
  • Yeah - as far as age goes, I had mine before 35 but one good friend had her 1st at 36, another had her first at 27 and my MOH is due with her first and is 39.

    I think older first-time parents are pretty common now. 
    charlotte989875eileenrobOliveOilsMom
  • banana468 said:
    Yeah - as far as age goes, I had mine before 35 but one good friend had her 1st at 36, another had her first at 27 and my MOH is due with her first and is 39.

    I think older first-time parents are pretty common now. 


    So true!  And 33 or 34 is hardly too old, even considering wanting more than 1 child.

    But, just as a general warning to women considering later motherhood, be aware of the stats.  They become markedly bleaker, in terms of fertility and miscarriage rates, as a woman enters her 40s.  I mean, you'd think the difference between 39 and 40 would be pretty arbitrary, slight differences.  But they're not.  And even just one more year a woman is older (after 40) will have a noticeable difference in those rates.

    I just always like to remind because, as a woman who just entered her mid-40s, I get it.  While I don't want to have a baby.  It definitely feels like it would be NBD to get pregnant and carry a baby to term, if I wanted one.  Because I still feel young (because I am, lol) and physically about the same way I did in my 30s.  But the stats say otherwise and I can absolutely understand why other women might be blindsided by that.

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    ShesSoColdcharlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • Oh also, H wants to have a baby and said one of our rooms would make a great nursery. So I’m a little freaked out. 

    Whhaaattt!

    How are you feeling about that?  Or does the thought need to settle in a bit first?

    That was exactly my face. 

    He’s actually been saying things that this for a while. He definitely wants a kid. I don’t not want kids, I’ve always been on the fence. I really just worry I’d be a terrible parent (I don’t have a great relationship with my parents) and I really thought I’d be more together by the time we’d have kids. That Id be further along in my career, we’d have traveled more, be more adult than I feel. But I guess I also don’t want to wait too long. I was never a “child-free by choice person” or a “can’t wait to have kids” I’ve always been in between. 

    How did you all decide??


    I remember you've described this as your thoughts on kids before.

    I started out my adult life "on the fence".  I figured I would want children someday, but I think that was more coming from the idea of "that's how most people seem to feel", so that's how I'll feel someday too.  By my mid-20's, I still didn't feel a need to have children but, like you describe, I didn't "not" want kids either.

    My long-time b/f, at the time, wanted to have children.  And I was good with that.  Then we broke up and I started dating my H.  He has children from a previous marriage and did not want anymore.  I was good with that also.  But was worried I might change my mind.  The mythical...and it was sure a myth for me, lol..."biological clock" that people speak of.

    But the more that time went on, the more "no" I became about children.  Would that have been different if I'd hitched my star to someone who did want kids?  Maybe.  But I'll tell ya this.  There has never been even a moment in my life where I've felt, "Yeah, I know I really want kids someday."  Never.  So, maybe not.  But it's impossible to say.

    ----------------

    I want to swing back to talking about society.  I think there is a lot of assumption that people fall into one camp or the other.  When, in reality, I think there are a lot of people like yourself.  It's a big decision to make and it's makes sense people will be unsure if it is the right one.  After all, a baby is a bell that can't be unrung.

    I also agree with @banana468.  It might never feel like the perfect time.  It's almost like a mini-bucket list.  As in, I should have already done A-B-C before having kids and my life should look like X-Y-Z, before having kids.  The perfect time is when you and your H decide if/when you all are ready.

    I'm sure there will be lots of upcoming talks in the @charlotte989875 household.  I hope they go well and you all come to a decision that you're both happy with ((hugs)).         

    Society, writ large, is the worst. The assumption that either you know, or you don’t know, frankly sucks. I really don’t know. And I hate the response “oh but deep down you must know”. I don’t. We could have a great life without kids. We could also probably have a great life with kids. I haven’t ever had the “I really want kids feeling” but I also haven’t had the “I really know I don’t ever want kids feeling”. I wish I were on one side or the other. Most of my friends ar either strong yes or no, so I often feel like the odd one out. 
  • @charlotte989875 There is no right time to have a child, but from what you say here, you are about as ready as you will ever be.  You have the space for a child and you in a good school district and you both have good paying jobs.  

    I always knew I wanted kids, but H was on the fence.  H had some things he wanted done first before we had kids.  He wanted to travel a bit (he never traveled like he wanted with him having to help his mom after his dad's unexpected death) and he wanted us to have a good solid marital foundation.  So we waited a few years and in those years we traveled and built the strong foundation for our marriage.  We also needed a larger space, as we didn't have a bedroom in our first house for a child.  So once we reached those goals, we started trying, I was 33.  After trying for about a year, we reached out for extra help and started to see a fertility doctor.  But after working with the doctor on various aspects of my health, I was able to get and stay pregnant.

    I was 35 during the pregnancy and that is considered advanced maternal age.  The only extra thing that I had to do was get another ultrasound at 32 weeks to check on the amount of amniotic fluid.  

    I also won't sugar coat things, the first year is hard!  But it is so worth it, for me anyway!  H is a great father and as DD gets more and more self-sufficient, it gets easier.  And even with DD, we have traveled, its just a little different now.  We cancelled our Hawaiian vacation because of how she was on our "test" flight to FL.  We will try another short flight vacation again soon.  But I get such joy in hearing "Mama!" as I walk in the door and have my tiny person coming running up for a hug.  And H loves being a dad too.  I think he was surprised at all the fun moments we have shared in DDs short life so far.
    Thank you for sharing this! It’s really good to hear that even though you’ve made adjustments that they are really worth it!
    OliveOilsMom
  • @charlotte989875 I was always on the fence about kids all through my 20s. Even into my 30s. From 28 until 32, I was with a guy that very much wanted kids, and he came from a big Irish family. All of his siblings had 2+ kids each. But as time went on, I just didn't see that life for myself, and to add to that, our relationship was a mess. 

    When I ended that relationship, I was still unsure. Then I met my H. He was on the fence too. And as we built our life together, I think we both realized that we didn't wants kids enough, and that we liked the life we were building just being the two of us. I never, ever felt an urge to have a baby. Neither did my H. I'm lucky in that sense - that we were both able to come to that same decision together. The more we traveled, the more we made plans - kids just did not fit into that. Add in that I had a bad childhood, as did my H. That experience had left me knowing that I would not be a good mother. 
    Thanks for this! We were both on the fence for a long time. Grad school, so many moves, and career changes. And I so feel that way about not having a great childhood. H did have a great childhood, and has lovely, warm, and involved parents; which is what makes me think we could do this. Thanks for making me feel like I’m not crazy for being on the fence!
    climbingwifeOliveOilsMom
  • @VarunaTT, you and K are SO GORGEOUS!  I love K's hair.  

    @charlotte989875, I was ready before DH and we had a ton of conversations about when to start trying to get pregnant.  Finally, I went to him and told him I was over being responsible for birth control in the relationship (I had been taking the pill for about 10 years at that point and had been on several kinds and the symptoms were making me insane..and he knew that I was unhappy on BC pills).  So I stopped BC about a month later.  We talked about how we were OK if we got knocked up, but we didn't start trying for real for another 9 months.  Honestly, knowing we both wanted to have a baby was what put my mind at ease the most.  If he had been on the fence, I would have had a lot more apprehension about being pregnant. 
    VarunaTT
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Oh I hear ya, I'm a huge planner too and I have a really hard time planning big stuff. I can't imagine trying to figure out the perfect plan for children. I do occasionally get a random thought of, "What if I regret not having kids when it's too late?!?!?!!?". But then I remind myself how selfish I am, how important sleep is to me, how impatient I am and how gross and needy children are. 

    I've spent a lot of time envisioning my ideal life. Would it be awesome to have a good relationship with successful adult children and possibly grandchildren? Fuck yeah it would be! But can I really picture myself giving birth, wiping asses,  stepping on legos and going to dance recitals in the meantime? NOPE! When I picture myself in 5 years or 10 years or 40 years, children are never in the scenario. That's a big enough sign that I don't actually want to be a mother, but that as a woman, I've been subjected to the assumption that I will and should and should want to have children. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    charlotte989875climbingwifeeileenrob
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Oh I hear ya, I'm a huge planner too and I have a really hard time planning big stuff. I can't imagine trying to figure out the perfect plan for children. I do occasionally get a random thought of, "What if I regret not having kids when it's too late?!?!?!!?". But then I remind myself how selfish I am, how important sleep is to me, how impatient I am and how gross and needy children are. 

    I've spent a lot of time envisioning my ideal life. Would it be awesome to have a good relationship with successful adult children and possibly grandchildren? Fuck yeah it would be! But can I really picture myself giving birth, wiping asses,  stepping on legos and going to dance recitals in the meantime? NOPE! When I picture myself in 5 years or 10 years or 40 years, children are never in the scenario. That's a big enough sign that I don't actually want to be a mother, but that as a woman, I've been subjected to the assumption that I will and should and should want to have children. 
    to the bolded: I often think of that too. Mostly....who's going to put me in a nursing home? Who's going to be there when I get old?  But nonetheless, I cannot picture myself a mother either.  I find myself selfish with my time and money. 

    charlotte989875ShesSoColdeileenrob
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Oh I hear ya, I'm a huge planner too and I have a really hard time planning big stuff. I can't imagine trying to figure out the perfect plan for children. I do occasionally get a random thought of, "What if I regret not having kids when it's too late?!?!?!!?". But then I remind myself how selfish I am, how important sleep is to me, how impatient I am and how gross and needy children are. 

    I've spent a lot of time envisioning my ideal life. Would it be awesome to have a good relationship with successful adult children and possibly grandchildren? Fuck yeah it would be! But can I really picture myself giving birth, wiping asses,  stepping on legos and going to dance recitals in the meantime? NOPE! When I picture myself in 5 years or 10 years or 40 years, children are never in the scenario. That's a big enough sign that I don't actually want to be a mother, but that as a woman, I've been subjected to the assumption that I will and should and should want to have children. 
    to the bolded: I often think of that too. Mostly....who's going to put me in a nursing home? Who's going to be there when I get old?  But nonetheless, I cannot picture myself a mother either.  I find myself selfish with my time and money. 
    Yesssssssssss I have the same thought! And I drag my ass back down to Earth with the follow-up of "Really, SSC? The only reason you want kids is so they can take care of your old ass?".

    And then I think about long term care insurance instead. LOL
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    charlotte989875eileenrob
  • Oh I hear ya, I'm a huge planner too and I have a really hard time planning big stuff. I can't imagine trying to figure out the perfect plan for children. I do occasionally get a random thought of, "What if I regret not having kids when it's too late?!?!?!!?". But then I remind myself how selfish I am, how important sleep is to me, how impatient I am and how gross and needy children are. 

    I've spent a lot of time envisioning my ideal life. Would it be awesome to have a good relationship with successful adult children and possibly grandchildren? Fuck yeah it would be! But can I really picture myself giving birth, wiping asses,  stepping on legos and going to dance recitals in the meantime? NOPE! When I picture myself in 5 years or 10 years or 40 years, children are never in the scenario. That's a big enough sign that I don't actually want to be a mother, but that as a woman, I've been subjected to the assumption that I will and should and should want to have children. 
    to the bolded: I often think of that too. Mostly....who's going to put me in a nursing home? Who's going to be there when I get old?  But nonetheless, I cannot picture myself a mother either.  I find myself selfish with my time and money. 
    Yesssssssssss I have the same thought! And I drag my ass back down to Earth with the follow-up of "Really, SSC? The only reason you want kids is so they can take care of your old ass?".

    And then I think about long term care insurance instead. LOL


    Not to mention, y'all could end up with a daughter like me!

    I'm secretly glad my mom's H is 10 years her junior.  If it ever becomes nursing home time, that's his problem :P.

    I'm totally kidding.  Of course I would make sure my mom is okay in her old age.

    But I do stand by my original thought that adult children may not necessarily take care of their elderly parents.  Plus, like other PPs have said, that's a terrible reason to have kids if it is the only/primary one.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    ShesSoColdeileenrob
  • banana468 said:
    Yeah - as far as age goes, I had mine before 35 but one good friend had her 1st at 36, another had her first at 27 and my MOH is due with her first and is 39.

    I think older first-time parents are pretty common now. 


    So true!  And 33 or 34 is hardly too old, even considering wanting more than 1 child.

    But, just as a general warning to women considering later motherhood, be aware of the stats.  They become markedly bleaker, in terms of fertility and miscarriage rates, as a woman enters her 40s.  I mean, you'd think the difference between 39 and 40 would be pretty arbitrary, slight differences.  But they're not.  And even just one more year a woman is older (after 40) will have a noticeable difference in those rates.

    I just always like to remind because, as a woman who just entered her mid-40s, I get it.  While I don't want to have a baby.  It definitely feels like it would be NBD to get pregnant and carry a baby to term, if I wanted one.  Because I still feel young (because I am, lol) and physically about the same way I did in my 30s.  But the stats say otherwise and I can absolutely understand why other women might be blindsided by that.

    Eh, as a woman getting older, and I don’t mean to be rude here, I absolutely loathe these reminders. We know. Women generally know. It’s a constant constant refrain and I find it patronizing and hurtful to hear again and again and again. 
    charlotte989875cupcait927MyNameIsNotmrsmitten
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Oh I hear ya, I'm a huge planner too and I have a really hard time planning big stuff. I can't imagine trying to figure out the perfect plan for children. I do occasionally get a random thought of, "What if I regret not having kids when it's too late?!?!?!!?". But then I remind myself how selfish I am, how important sleep is to me, how impatient I am and how gross and needy children are. 

    I've spent a lot of time envisioning my ideal life. Would it be awesome to have a good relationship with successful adult children and possibly grandchildren? Fuck yeah it would be! But can I really picture myself giving birth, wiping asses,  stepping on legos and going to dance recitals in the meantime? NOPE! When I picture myself in 5 years or 10 years or 40 years, children are never in the scenario. That's a big enough sign that I don't actually want to be a mother, but that as a woman, I've been subjected to the assumption that I will and should and should want to have children. 
    to the bolded: I often think of that too. Mostly....who's going to put me in a nursing home? Who's going to be there when I get old?  But nonetheless, I cannot picture myself a mother either.  I find myself selfish with my time and money. 
    Yesssssssssss I have the same thought! And I drag my ass back down to Earth with the follow-up of "Really, SSC? The only reason you want kids is so they can take care of your old ass?".

    And then I think about long term care insurance instead. LOL


    Not to mention, y'all could end up with a daughter like me!

    I'm secretly glad my mom's H is 10 years her junior.  If it ever becomes nursing home time, that's his problem :P.

    I'm totally kidding.  Of course I would make sure my mom is okay in her old age.

    But I do stand by my original thought that adult children may not necessarily take care of their elderly parents.  Plus, like other PPs have said, that's a terrible reason to have kids if it is the only/primary one.


    STUCK -


    Oh I am absolutely one of those kids as well. I have no intention of housing or providing regular care to any of our parents. That might make me a shitty person but IDGAF. 

    H's mom "jokes" (I don't think it's actually a joke) that she's looking forward to living with H when she gets old. It will be a cold-ass day in hell. I tell her I'll have my guy call her to get her a long term care policy, since H and I will probably only be able to afford to put her in one of those super shitty homes you hear about on the news. 

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE.

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    STARMOON44charlotte989875short+sassyeileenrob
  • This is a terrible joke and I don't use it very often, but I have teased K that they are my long term life insurance plan when the age difference gets brought up.  Sometimes they laugh, sometimes they don't.
    charlotte989875ShesSoColdOliveOilsMom
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am suuuper on the fence about kids. Honestly, I don't really want them. I like my life. I like nice things and traveling, and I don't have a lot of patience. I have chronic pain issues which are exhausting on a day to day basis so imagining running after kids scares me. The older I get the less I want kids, although I'm not so against them that it's a marriage deal breaker. FI goes back and forth. He likes the idea of kids, but I don't think he understands exactly what a time and money commitment they are. He was never around kids. He never babysat or volunteered with kids. I know he would be a good parent, but I need him to be fully aware because you can't kind of have a baby. There is no unringing that bell.  And he cites his family as a reason for having a kid which makes me all kinds of FUCK NO. If we have kids, it better have nothing to do with his family. I feel like I need to send him on a weekend away as a nanny so he can see what he'd be getting into. And I agree that kids aren't for when you get older. There's also no guarantee that your kids will even turn out okay. That really freaks me out. As does pregnancy in general. I don't know how people are pregnant without being anxious messes all the time. 


    image
    ShesSoColdcharlotte989875eileenrobSTARMOON44
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