Drop it and don't engage with her?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My stepdaughter hated having her picture taken during her teens. She would hide and throw fits if anyone tried to have her in a photo. She refused to have a high school or college graduation. I have taken up scrapbooking and made childhood memory books for my children and my stepson. My stepdaughter called me very upset that I “refused” to include her. The only photos we have of my stepdaughter are from my wedding and a few from school. I explained this to her, reminded her of the time she locked herself in her room when we were doing a big family photo, and I offered to do a post-college one for her. She turned this on me not being a good stepmother and I “never wanted her in the family to begin with.” She and my husband barely talk anymore after they had a falling out over her chronic unemployment (and his financial support of her lifestyle). His sees this as “typical” her. My stepson feels pressure to support his sister, so I usually let my stepdaughter’s behavior roll off my back, but she is in her late 20s now. I am tired of the tantrums and self-pity. How should I proceed?

—No Photos, Please

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

My stepdaughter hated having her picture taken during her teens. She would hide and throw fits if anyone tried to have her in a photo. She refused to have a high school or college graduation. I have taken up scrapbooking and made childhood memory books for my children and my stepson. My stepdaughter called me very upset that I “refused” to include her. The only photos we have of my stepdaughter are from my wedding and a few from school. I explained this to her, reminded her of the time she locked herself in her room when we were doing a big family photo, and I offered to do a post-college one for her. She turned this on me not being a good stepmother and I “never wanted her in the family to begin with.” She and my husband barely talk anymore after they had a falling out over her chronic unemployment (and his financial support of her lifestyle). His sees this as “typical” her. My stepson feels pressure to support his sister, so I usually let my stepdaughter’s behavior roll off my back, but she is in her late 20s now. I am tired of the tantrums and self-pity. How should I proceed?

—No Photos, Please

Listen to your husband.

This is part of her routine.   She wants what the other kids have and the only way that she can make this not about her poor behavior is if she makes it about yours.   Don't give in.  You can say, "I'm terribly sorry if those are the feelings you have because those could not be further from the truth."

That's it.  You can feel bad that she's the creator of a bad destiny but no one is in charge of her actions except for her.  

missJeanLouise

Make a scrapbook with 7 pictures in it and call it a day, lol.

but seriously, I would not care about her temper tantrum, ignore it, move on.

charlotte989875

Give her framed photos of what you do have, then let it be. 

mrsconn23

It sounds like the scrapbook thing is the latest in a long line of BS from the SD.  LW needs to let go of her guilt and try to brush off SD's claims.   It sounds like SD is a person who will react/provoke/go for the gut to get what she wants.  LW needs to draw her line with SD, as her H has, and let it go.  Ignore calls or messages.  If SS wants to take up for his sister, LW needs to tell him that it's not a discussion for them to have.  

I mean sure, she could try to pacify her...but I don't feel it will be 'enough' for SD and will just lead to another round of BS from her. 

MNNEBride

I would have made a memory book for the stepdaughter with the limited pictures that were available.  

MesmrEwe

First - I wouldn't have let that behavior fly...  SNS - I took pictures at a High School event last weekend and you can be sure I was the photographer making sure everyone looked good and reminded them "You'll be looking at this in 30 years in the school Trophy Rack! Think about how you want to be remembered - now TEETH!"  (meanwhile I'm going through all 1000 of those pictures asking myself "how did I get volunteered for this again?!?!?)..

That said, husband takes the lead on this one...  With Step Son it's o.k. for the Dad to have the "your sister chose to not be in pictures - you remember those times right - SM can't be blamed because the pictures simply don't exist in order to even make a scrapbook and Sister's behavior is rather childish because she made her choice years ago even though she may be regretting it now.."...

downtondiva

I've never especially liked having my picture taken, but I never would have run away any time the cameras came out at a family event. Stepdaughter made her choices back then and has to live with missing out now. Stepmother needs to quit trying to make this "right" because stepdaughter will never be happy with anything she does.