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Wedding Woes

Talk to your wife?

mrsconn23mrsconn23
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
member
edited February 7 in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

My wife and I have been married for about four years. We grew up in the same religion, went to the same university, and have many things in common. But in the years since we first met, I find myself changing rapidly. I have lost all interest in participating actively in our religion. I have also decided I don’t want kids (even though we always assumed we’d have them). My wife is an incredibly patient and understanding woman. She has said nothing to indicate that she is upset with me about these sorts of things. But I can’t help but wonder: Do I owe her an obligation to stay the same person that she married? I mean, if she married me under the assumption that our lives would go on a certain trajectory, and I suddenly (and unpredictably) alter that, am I betraying my vows to her? Do I need to stay the person that I was seemingly destined to become?

—Changed Man

Re: Talk to your wife?

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Use your words?


    image
  • You need to talk.   This could be a deal breaker for some and not for others.   But you won't know if you only talk to Prudie. 
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomOurWildKingdomMesmrEwe
  • short+sassyshort+sassy
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited February 7

    I just had a flashback to reading Ibsen's "A Dollhouse".  It's also the question of a does a person stay true to themselves or their family. Edited to fix title and add: I don't want to take away from that it was also a stride toward not viewing women as subservient and with no voice.

    I think it needs to be a compromise.  But, when it can't be a compromise, be true to one's self.

    Like other PPs have said, this is something they need to work out together.  It sounds like he still loves her and wants to stay with her, but no longer shares her religion or desire to have children.  And that last part needs to be his new normal.  He needs to upfront and honest with his wife about that.  No hedging.  She needs to know the truth, so she can make her own fully-informed decision for how she wants to proceed.  I'd also strongly suggest marriage counseling.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    charlotte989875OurWildKingdom
  • downtondivadowntondiva
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited February 7
    He's not obligated the same person that she married, but he is obligated to talk to her about what's going on with him and let her figure out how she wants to deal with it. These are pretty significant changes, especially his no longer wanting children, and he needs to be honest about that. While I know plenty of couples with different religious beliefs, I don't think having or not having children is something anyone can really compromise or "agree to disagree" on.
    image
    OurWildKingdomdrunkenwitch
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    He's not obligated the same person that she married, but he is obligated to talk to her about what's going on with him and let her figure out how she wants to deal with it. These are pretty significant changes, especially his no longer wanting children, and he needs to be honest about that. While I know plenty of couples with different religious beliefs, I don't think having or not having children is something anyone can really compromise or "agree to disagree" on.
    Nailed it. You can’t have half a kid.
    MesmrEwecharlotte989875
  • You aren’t obligated to stay the same but you are obligated to be honest with your partner. Maybe they will be cool with the change or maybe they will want to find someone else but leading them on, thinking the old plan is the current plan, is unfair.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    I read this one a little different than everyone else. When he says " She has said nothing to indicate that she is upset with me about these sorts of things" I'm gathering that he has talked to her, but he's questioning whether she is really sharing how she feels about these things. It doesn't seem like he even knows how she feels about kids.

    I'm about to jump to all sorts of conclusions. The way he mentions growing up "in a religion" and always assuming they'd have kids, I read that they are from a more conservative religious order where people get married young, aren't really known for strong communication, and the man rules the marriage. In that case, the question he doesn't know how to ask is about how to be a partner with his wife. So, if my wild assumptions are anywhere near correct, counselling is in order. Secular counseling. 
    charlotte989875mrsconn23short+sassyernursej
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