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Wedding Woes

And, today's 4 men.

Dear Prudence,

I’m a year into cohabiting with my boyfriend, M. He works from home as a freelancer, while I have a full-time but flexible office job that allows me to work from home sometimes. M likes cooking three big meals a day, but I prefer to eat a small breakfast at home, then grab lunch and dinner out. M will always make me a plate, on the condition that I will clean up after him. The thing is that I simply don’t have time to clean up after every meal—I’m working! He uses almost every pot and pan we have in a single day, creating an overwhelming amount of work for me. I’ve asked him to use fewer dishes and rein in the splatter. I’ve taken us out to dinner and even turned down his meals so I don’t have to clean the kitchen every night. He takes it very personally and says I don’t appreciate his efforts, but they clearly come with strings attached! How can we make a compromise?

—Over-the-Top Home Chef

Re: And, today's 4 men.

  • I can just see this guy holding the plate of food as she's sitting at the table (maybe working on...work) and being all, "Oh, oh, oh!  You can have this if you agree to clean it up!"  And she's like, "Oh I'm not hungry." And his face falls as he pouts about how she doesn't appreciate what he does for her.  

    Yeah, LW you're with a man-baby.  Run. 


    charlotte989875sparklepants41OurWildKingdom


  • I also feel like I don't understand how these things continue. Like, if I were LW, the second time he used ALL the dishes, I didn't eat and he still insisted that I clean, I'd kindly walk right on out of the kitchen, plop my ass on the couch and leave it all there. I just can't picture someone angrily doing dishes for a year. 
    RIGHT?!  LW should have never taken the 'bait' in the first place.   

    Honestly, this sounds like a form of gaslighting.  
    charlotte989875ShesSoColdsparklepants41levioosa
  • Hell no. 

    If he wants to cook for himself cool, but he’s doing the clean up. If he’s cooking for the two of them, I totally get splitting the dishes. 

    But really, it sounds like he’s into being the home chef and wants LW to be his dishwasher. That certainly wouldn’t fly in my house. 
    short+sassyeileenrobmrsconn23
  • And EVERY PAN??  If he is WFH and has the time to do all of this what is he doing??  This smacks of someone who is just.....inefficient. 
    mrsconn23charlotte989875short+sassyOliveOilsMom
  • banana468 said:
    And EVERY PAN??  If he is WFH and has the time to do all of this what is he doing??  This smacks of someone who is just.....inefficient. 
    YES!

    I get really frustrated when I use more dishes/pans to cook than I intended to.  Also, if I DO make a big mess (like on Sundays when I marathon cook/bake sometimes) and use a ton of dishes, I'm sure as shit going to clean it all up because I chose to go on a cooking spree. 
    charlotte989875ShesSoColdeileenrob
  • banana468 said:
    And EVERY PAN??  If he is WFH and has the time to do all of this what is he doing??  This smacks of someone who is just.....inefficient. 

    The four times my H has cooked these last 10 years he uses literally 3x more pots/pans/gadgets than necessary.  We actually have a broad mealtime rule in place where the person who made the meal cleans up after it.  I put it in place bc of my H's work schedule, it's usually just me anyway so I didn't want to be in charge of cleaning his mess.  I'm efficient and clean as I go and don't mind the few things left to do at the end of the meal.  If LW and the bf had that rule in place, I'll bet he'd scale back a little. I really do picture a manchild who before cohabitating with LW, lived with mom and dad who cleaned up after him. 
    ShesSoColdmrsconn23OliveOilsMom
  • I could not agree with all of you more!  I don't even understand some of this letter, lol.  Does he not eat leftovers?  Maybe it's because I don't care for cooking but, when I make a meal, it's enough for multiples so I don't have to spend that kind of time 3x/day, every day.

    I could maybe understand his point when she eats some of the meal...though I'm less sympathetic even with that if he uses 10 pots/pans to make a fancier grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of tomato bisque, lol.  But if she doesn't even eat it or want it, then where does he got off thinking she should clean up after him?  Outrageous!

    I'm also picturing him like one of those chefs on a cooking show.  Where every, single ingredient is perfectly pre-measured in its own little container, lol.

    On a much smaller scale, it slightly annoys me that my H insists on using a pot to heat up a can of soup instead of just pouring it in a bowl and using the microwave.  He doesn't even expect me to clean the pot, but then it usually sits in the sink for a few days.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    CharmedPameileenrob
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    eileenrob said:
    banana468 said:
    And EVERY PAN??  If he is WFH and has the time to do all of this what is he doing??  This smacks of someone who is just.....inefficient. 

    The four times my H has cooked these last 10 years he uses literally 3x more pots/pans/gadgets than necessary.  We actually have a broad mealtime rule in place where the person who made the meal cleans up after it.  I put it in place bc of my H's work schedule, it's usually just me anyway so I didn't want to be in charge of cleaning his mess.  I'm efficient and clean as I go and don't mind the few things left to do at the end of the meal.  If LW and the bf had that rule in place, I'll bet he'd scale back a little. I really do picture a manchild who before cohabitating with LW, lived with mom and dad who cleaned up after him. 
    100% our household @eileenrob.  I was like... then you guys wouldnt like to hear that I do the cooking and cleaning but I also dont use every single pan in my house either.  Plus our “thing” is I get groceries/cooking and H picks up our dining out tab.  And we can go out 1 or 2 x a week so it all evens out financially and I just prefer doing the cooking and cleaning for the mere fact that I AM more efficient.

    one time H had dinner waiting for me it was stuff thrown in the oven.  Salt.  Salt.  Salt.  I’d rather cook fresh.   

    eileenrob
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This is some manipulative bullshit. Run, LW. 


    image
    charlotte989875eileenrobSTARMOON44
  • I can't believe she's actually DONE the dishes or whatever for this long.  I get splitting work (I cook, you clean) if that's what you both agree to, but someone telling me I have to or they won't cook for me?  Hell to the no.  this is ridiculous and she should stop doing it.  If it causes a huge issue then I think it will be obviously the relationship is headed for disaster.
    STARMOON44
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I do most of the cooking, and I don’t mind cleaning up, but if I cook for both of us, I ask DW to help me clean up. Sometimes she helps, sometimes she offers to do it as long as I keep her company in the kitchen. It works for us.

     I’m with PPs - what the heck does this guy do for a living that he can do this? If he wants to cook all day, he should get a job in a restaurant or go to culinary school (on his own dime).
    charlotte989875
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 1
    Who has that much time to use that much cookware every day? 

    Boyfriend sounds really immature and weirdly controlling and LW should GTFO that relationship.

    image
    eileenrob
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    I like to bake and often make things that get eaten solely by my husband.  And all this time I've been doing the dishes afterwards like a sap when I should have been guilting him into doing them despite the fact that he did not ask me to do this nice thing for him!  Because you do nice things for people only because you expect to be paid back, right?
    imageimage
    ShesSoColdOurWildKingdomeileenrob
  • I will never understand why people don't clean as they go. Every cooking chore has downtime, so use it to rinse out that prep bowl or wash the cutting board.

    In my house we tend to divide the kitchen chores between cooking and cleaning, but whoever is doing the cooking (usually me) would never leave all of the dishes for the person doing the washing up to do. That is a jerk move.
    short+sassyclimbingwifeSTARMOON44
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    maine7mob said:
    I will never understand why people don't clean as they go. Every cooking chore has downtime, so use it to rinse out that prep bowl or wash the cutting board.

    In my house we tend to divide the kitchen chores between cooking and cleaning, but whoever is doing the cooking (usually me) would never leave all of the dishes for the person doing the washing up to do. That is a jerk move.
    True!! But sometimes I use that downtime to nibble on the food that won’t make it into the dish 😁

    charlotte989875
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited March 4
    maine7mob said:
    I will never understand why people don't clean as they go. Every cooking chore has downtime, so use it to rinse out that prep bowl or wash the cutting board.

    In my house we tend to divide the kitchen chores between cooking and cleaning, but whoever is doing the cooking (usually me) would never leave all of the dishes for the person doing the washing up to do. That is a jerk move.
    I try to clean as I go, especially if I’m cooking several things at once or baking. Even if it’s just rinsing and loading the dishwasher, I like to get as much done as possible.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We both definitely clean as we go, but we also go by "whoever cooks doesn't have to clean up". So, when H cooks dinner, I'll do all the final clean up when we're done eating. 

    banana468charlotte989875OurWildKingdom
  • We both definitely clean as we go, but we also go by "whoever cooks doesn't have to clean up". So, when H cooks dinner, I'll do all the final clean up when we're done eating. 
    Yeah - I try to clean as I go when possible but sometimes that still means there's a sink full of crud.   It depends on what I'm doing and if I know that I'm making dinner and cleaning what I can also means that I'm not going to be unloading two loads from the dishwasher.

    I generally get dinner on the table and DH generally loads the dishwasher.   
    charlotte989875OurWildKingdom
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