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knottie73628

There is too much bullying and drama going on that is completely useless and it's a complete waste of time to sit and look at opinions of strangers who do not care to listen or understand anyone beyond their own judgment of what they think is happening. A simple question was asked and a few people took it too far, it's ridiculous. There is no reimbursement happening unless someone can take her spot and take care of her costs and that's all. 

MRDCle

Since she was kicked out and didn’t drop out I would assume she would be reimbursed for money she spent to go to events she’s no longer welcome at. 

MRDCle

knottie73628 said:

I am the MOH and the bride has asked one of her bridesmaids to leave the wedding party because we are 2 months away from the bachelorette party and she hasn't paid for anything (not even for her booked plane tickets, another show ticket, or hotel room) and we are 4 months away from the wedding and she still hasn't bought her dress (everyone else has had theirs for months). She has stopped being involved and even ignored the bride when she asked if she wanted to still be a part of the wedding since she has been so distant. Now the ex-bridesmaid has reached out to me and said that I need to pay her back for a ticket for the bachelorette party. They are for a show and she agreed to go and pay it, but now she wants her money back and hasn't even asked me, just requested it on an app. We don't think its fair we should have to pay her back for the ticket when the bride has paid for her plane ticket and hotel room out of pocket and won't be getting the money for it from the ex-bridesmaid. Are we being fair in not repaying her for one of the tickets she agreed to since they are non-refundable? The ticket is only around $85 and she had said she has more than enough to spend on this trip before she bailed and agreed to everything we planned, and now everyone has to pay more to cover her spot on the trip. She stopped talking to everyone in the bridal party months ago and has not been involved in any of the wedding stuff. Her total that the bride has to cover for her is around $400 (since she booked the plane tickets for the 2 of them and the hotel on her credit card). Are we being rational in our thinking?

knottie73628

The problem is though that she was asked multiple times if she wanted to be a part of the bridal party (a few months after she already agreed to be a part of it and went to pick out dresses) and never responded directly and only gave vague answers, so after a certain point we saw it fit to just ask her to leave since we had been trying to work with her for months. She has left us all to cover her fees because she chose to leave. So she was really both kicked out and her choice to leave. We still offered her the chance to come on the trip if she would like and she chose not to answer us, so we have to plan accordingly since it's so close. The real kicker is that this ex-bridesmaid is the brides cousin and she has been treating her this way (ignoring her, refusing to help, being disrespectful when she talks to the bride, not paying...etc)!

MyNameIsNot

knottie73628 said:

The problem is though that she was asked multiple times if she wanted to be a part of the bridal party (a few months after she already agreed to be a part of it and went to pick out dresses) and never responded directly and only gave vague answers, so after a certain point we saw it fit to just ask her to leave since we had been trying to work with her for months. She has left us all to cover her fees because she chose to leave. So she was really both kicked out and her choice to leave. We still offered her the chance to come on the trip if she would like and she chose not to answer us, so we have to plan accordingly since it's so close. The real kicker is that this ex-bridesmaid is the brides cousin and she has been treating her this way (ignoring her, refusing to help, being disrespectful when she talks to the bride, not paying...etc)!

I answered you on the one you deleted, but none of that means she shouldn't be reimbursed. None of it justifies the bride in kicking her out either. 

A bridesmaid is not obligated to help with the wedding or attend any parties. It sounds like the bride asked and regretted and has been trying to bully this BM out the whole time.

I can't tell if you're helping the bride bully or if you have stockholm syndrome. Either way, this bride is horrible. If I were in your shoes, I would be questioning why I'm friends with someone who would treat anyone like this. 

knottie73628

That is not a fair response at all, the bride has been nothing but helpful and overly kind to the BM, she has offered to help cover costs, and she has even given her months and months to order her dress and pay her back for the planned events. The BM had agreed to pay everything that was booked and knew that these were ordered in group packages that cannot be refunded or transferred. If you are going to be so rude to someone asking a question then don't waste your time responding, it's not necessary to insult me. I don't see it as bullying when someone who agreed to be a BM has bailed out last minute, especially someone who is family and then demands their money back for something that they initially said yes to, leaving everyone else to cover her costs. She was not kicked out, she never responded and so we had to finally cut ties because she gave no answers after weeks of asking, instead of waiting to see if she was even going to order her dress for the wedding day. 

MRDCle

knottie73628 said:

That is not a fair response at all, the bride has been nothing but helpful and overly kind to the BM, she has offered to help cover costs, and she has even given her months and months to order her dress and pay her back for the planned events. The BM had agreed to pay everything that was booked and knew that these were ordered in group packages that cannot be refunded or transferred. If you are going to be so rude to someone asking a question then don't waste your time responding, it's not necessary to insult me. I don't see it as bullying when someone who agreed to be a BM has bailed out last minute, especially someone who is family and then demands their money back for something that they initially said yes to, leaving everyone else to cover her costs. She was not kicked out, she never responded and so we had to finally cut ties because she gave no answers after weeks of asking, instead of waiting to see if she was even going to order her dress for the wedding day. 

Once again, by your own admission, she was asked to leave, so claiming she bailed out isn’t gonna fly. Maybe she didn’t have the money at that moment. One of my BMs ordered her dress the week before. My wedding went off without a hitch. Was she consulted prior to the planning of the party on how much she could afford to contribute? Sounds like it’s close to $500 without food, drinks, Ubers etc. Not everyone has that lying around. 

flantastic

knottie73628 said:

That is not a fair response at all, the bride has been nothing but helpful and overly kind to the BM, she has offered to help cover costs, and she has even given her months and months to order her dress and pay her back for the planned events. The BM had agreed to pay everything that was booked and knew that these were ordered in group packages that cannot be refunded or transferred. If you are going to be so rude to someone asking a question then don't waste your time responding, it's not necessary to insult me. I don't see it as bullying when someone who agreed to be a BM has bailed out last minute, especially someone who is family and then demands their money back for something that they initially said yes to, leaving everyone else to cover her costs. She was not kicked out, she never responded and so we had to finally cut ties because she gave no answers after weeks of asking, instead of waiting to see if she was even going to order her dress for the wedding day. 

Yeah, but like, what is the worst case scenario here? She doesn't get the dress (4 months is still plenty of time) and she doesn't walk down the aisle. Your friend still gets married and life goes on.

It sounds like the bride is making a huge deal out of nothing and has grand expectations. I would have been tempted to ghost that too. As PP said, she has no responsibilities other than the dress, and that was totally possible. Asking "if she still wants to be a part of the bridal party" makes it sound like there were strings other than her presence at the wedding which came with being in the bridal party, like having to shell out a ton of cash for another GD destination bachelorette party.

Your friend actively ended the friendship, after pressuring her to drop out for a while because she wasn't living up to unrealistic expectations. It very much sounds like the former BM didn't want to go on this trip but didn't feel like she could say no. That's why people are calling this bullying.

knottie73628

Once again I'll tell you, she chose to leave after we brought it up to her that we were thinking about asking her to leave if she doesn't want to be a part of it and be involved. She knew the exact prices and knew exactly what was happening, she was not simply kicked out, I don't want to go into too much detail about what has been happening privately because it's no one else business but ours. She has the money and agreed to everything and she was told she had to order her dress by a certain date and agreed to it. Everything went through her, nothing is a surprise and she agreed to it plain and simple. She was involved in the planning of the party and involved in how much everyone wanted to spend. The tickets were bought in January and she knew the dates that payments were due by, we were beyond nice to her and offered her a payment plan incase anything happened, she chose not to do any of it. 

MRDCle

knottie73628 said:

Once again I'll tell you, she chose to leave after we brought it up to her that we were thinking about asking her to leave if she doesn't want to be a part of it and be involved. 

SITB - you don’t think this is kicking someone out? “Hey we probably don’t want you in the wedding anymore...” How else would anyone respond to that??

banana468

knottie73628 said:

That is not a fair response at all, the bride has been nothing but helpful and overly kind to the BM, she has offered to help cover costs, and she has even given her months and months to order her dress and pay her back for the planned events. The BM had agreed to pay everything that was booked and knew that these were ordered in group packages that cannot be refunded or transferred. If you are going to be so rude to someone asking a question then don't waste your time responding, it's not necessary to insult me. I don't see it as bullying when someone who agreed to be a BM has bailed out last minute, especially someone who is family and then demands their money back for something that they initially said yes to, leaving everyone else to cover her costs. She was not kicked out, she never responded and so we had to finally cut ties because she gave no answers after weeks of asking, instead of waiting to see if she was even going to order her dress for the wedding day. 

I'm really confused here.

Did she say what she would agree to spend at a price point ever?  Were the conversations itemizing costs or were they asking if she would chip in? 

If the wedding has not yet happened (and won't for 4 months) and the bachelorette hasn't happened (and won't for 2 months), my interpretation is that the BM is non-committal and flighty and best.   But rather than wait for her to no show on anything she's forced out before any of these events occurred.   

At this point, the burden of financial expense is on the person(s) who removed her from the events.   Based on the facts stated, she DID spend some money to be in attendance at some of these events.   And then because she wasn't working within some arbitrary timeline she was removed from the event. 

If she spent money to attend events that she is no longer welcome to, of course she should be reimbursed.  

I'm no lawyer but at this point if you're holding both her ticket and her finances hostage I think she has a potential small claims case against anyone who is not reimbursing her. 

flantastic

knottie73628 said:

Once again I'll tell you, she chose to leave after we brought it up to her that we were thinking about asking her to leave if she doesn't want to be a part of it and be involved. She knew the exact prices and knew exactly what was happening, she was not simply kicked out, I don't want to go into too much detail about what has been happening privately because it's no one else business but ours. She has the money and agreed to everything and she was told she had to order her dress by a certain date and agreed to it. Everything went through her, nothing is a surprise and she agreed to it plain and simple. She was involved in the planning of the party and involved in how much everyone wanted to spend.   

From your OP: "the bride has asked one of her bridesmaids to leave the wedding party"

One or the other is true.

I agree that it is not great that she committed to spending a ton of money that you guys then spent, assuming her reimbursement would be there.

But the whole possibility of asking her to leave - whether telling her you were "thinking about asking her to leave" or actually asking her to leave - is where your problem lies. The money for the bach is a separate issue. She could still be in the bridal party and not go to the bach and not have paid you guys back. I can see where you would no longer want to be friends with someone who hangs you out to dry for $400, but once you actively make the friendship ending move, then she has a right to ask for the money she spent on the expectation of that friendship. And there was still a chance that she would have paid her back, and gotten the dress, so the bride didn't have to take the nuclear option.

banana468

knottie73628 said:

Once again I'll tell you, she chose to leave after we brought it up to her that we were thinking about asking her to leave if she doesn't want to be a part of it and be involved. She knew the exact prices and knew exactly what was happening, she was not simply kicked out, I don't want to go into too much detail about what has been happening privately because it's no one else business but ours. She has the money and agreed to everything and she was told she had to order her dress by a certain date and agreed to it. Everything went through her, nothing is a surprise and she agreed to it plain and simple. She was involved in the planning of the party and involved in how much everyone wanted to spend. The tickets were bought in January and she knew the dates that payments were due by, we were beyond nice to her and offered her a payment plan incase anything happened, she chose not to do any of it. 

1) Why are you using the word "we" in the bridal party?  I'm trying to understand why this is being handled with you and the bride as those in charge with the former BM as a type of subordinate.   It implies that being in the bridal party is contingent upon her agreements with other members of the wedding party and not with the bride.   This is a recipe for disaster. 

2) When you bring up saying that you were thinking of asking her to leave, you've decided that being in the wedding party is contingent upon some set of conditions.   If you've been lead to think that this is correct please allow me to inform you that you were misinformed.  The wording used is up there with "i was asked to resign."  All of it implies that in some way shape or form this was not entirely her decision AT ALL.

3) Why did she need to order her dress by a certain date if the wedding is not for four months?  BM dresses don't need that much time.   Was this a date given by a retailer or the bride?  Please help me understand what the 'required date' was and how it came to be.   

MyNameIsNot

knottie73628 said:

Once again I'll tell you, she chose to leave after we brought it up to her that we were thinking about asking her to leave if she doesn't want to be a part of it and be involved. She knew the exact prices and knew exactly what was happening, she was not simply kicked out, I don't want to go into too much detail about what has been happening privately because it's no one else business but ours. She has the money and agreed to everything and she was told she had to order her dress by a certain date and agreed to it. Everything went through her, nothing is a surprise and she agreed to it plain and simple. She was involved in the planning of the party and involved in how much everyone wanted to spend. The tickets were bought in January and she knew the dates that payments were due by, we were beyond nice to her and offered her a payment plan incase anything happened, she chose not to do any of it. 

By your own statements (which have conflicted) she chose to leave after she was asked to leave because she didn't want to spend the money on the b-party. I realize you're being intentionally obtuse, but come on. That's kicked out.  

The fact that you were ever part of the conversation between bride and BM speaks loads about why you sound like a bully. None of that is any of your business. 

Nonetheless, we all know you're not going to reimburse this poor girl. So good for you, I guess? I hope you're proud of yourself. 

short+sassy

While I realize this person perhaps wasn't the easiest person to deal with or plan stuff with, the bride kicking her out of the WP was still a friendship-ending move.  So, of course this woman would no longer feel welcome or want to go on the bach trip.  She needs to be reimbursed for any money she laid out.  Though I think that is more the bride's responsibility to pay her back, since she was the one who did the kicking out.

I know it is too late now but, for lurkers, this is how it should have played out.  Anyone being invited to the bach party should have been asked privately how much they were willing to spend.  That's very different than asking in a group setting, "Bach party in Vegas!  Only about $400 per person.  You all good with that?"  I'm not saying the OP did it one way or the other or somewhere in between.  Just giving general guidance.

I suspect this person may not have been able to easily afford the trip or they would have just given the bride their money for the plane ticket and room, at the time things were booked and the cost was incurred.

At any rate, while no response from this ex-BM was frustrating and upsetting, the bride should have reached out as a friend with nothing related to the wedding, like, "Hey Cousin, I haven't heard from you in awhile.  Is everything okay?  I'm worried about you!  Please call me back/e-mail me/etc."

If there was still no response, the bride shouldn't have even asked her if she still wanted to be in the WP.  Because that implies negativity and that the bride doesn't want her in the WP, unless she "gets with the program".

If this ex-BM didn't order her dress in time...and 4 months is still plenty of time...then she has ultimately taken herself out of the wedding without the bride being the bad guy.  Or if she didn't respond about the bach party...also, still 2 months away...and is a "no show" at the airport (probably unlikely, until she was kicked out).  Then she'd still be on the hook for her expenses and wouldn't be in a position to ask for the money back on the $85 ticket.

But, in the end, it is the bride who is the bad guy for kicking her friend/cousin out of the WP.  Which also broke the verbal contract (so to speak) in regards to the bach trip. 

geebee908

Is this the same bride you were complaining about in an earlier discussion you started that was planning everything without consulting anyone's budget and the BMs were looking at spending $2000+ on this wedding? What happened between February and now that it's the ex-bridesmaid who is being unreasonable about spending money?

ei34

I was my sister's MOH and two of her BP guests canceled very last minute.  Their rsvp shift didn't impact any of the other guests.  That's Group Planning 101...don't book anything with a price contingent upon a certain number of guests if you're nervous about being on the hook financially.  Unless the BM who was kicked out signed some sort of contract, she doesn't owe anyone any money, but is owed anything she's already contributed towards the trip she's not attending. 
Let your friend the bride know that she shouldn't ask anyone to replace her cousin.  And re the cousin "not being involved"- the only requirement is showing up at the ceremony on time, in the agreed upon attire, so not sure what she hasn't been involved in considering the ceremony is 4 months away.

knottie73628

She agreed to all prices and all dates, she was even planning on a 3 day extra trip right before the bachelorette that she never covered either. There is proof that she knew timelines and deadlines. It is not just out of the blue it all happened, we have been trying to be in contact with her for MONTHS with no response. All BM are from out of town so we have an exact agreement on what was going to be done in what timeframe. 

charlotte989875

short+sassy said:

While I realize this person perhaps wasn't the easiest person to deal with or plan stuff with, the bride kicking her out of the WP was still a friendship-ending move.  So, of course this woman would no longer feel welcome or want to go on the bach trip.  She needs to be reimbursed for any money she laid out.  Though I think that is more the bride's responsibility to pay her back, since she was the one who did the kicking out.

I know it is too late now but, for lurkers, this is how it should have played out.  Anyone being invited to the bach party should have been asked privately how much they were willing to spend.  That's very different than asking in a group setting, "Bach party in Vegas!  Only about $400 per person.  You all good with that?"  I'm not saying the OP did it one way or the other or somewhere in between.  Just giving general guidance.

I suspect this person may not have been able to easily afford the trip or they would have just given the bride their money for the plane ticket and room, at the time things were booked and the cost was incurred.

At any rate, while no response from this ex-BM was frustrating and upsetting, the bride should have reached out as a friend with nothing related to the wedding, like, "Hey Cousin, I haven't heard from you in awhile.  Is everything okay?  I'm worried about you!  Please call me back/e-mail me/etc."

If there was still no response, the bride shouldn't have even asked her if she still wanted to be in the WP.  Because that implies negativity and that the bride doesn't want her in the WP, unless she "gets with the program".

If this ex-BM didn't order her dress in time...and 4 months is still plenty of time...then she has ultimately taken herself out of the wedding without the bride being the bad guy.  Or if she didn't respond about the bach party...also, still 2 months away...and is a "no show" at the airport (probably unlikely, until she was kicked out).  Then she'd still be on the hook for her expenses and wouldn't be in a position to ask for the money back on the $85 ticket.

But, in the end, it is the bride who is the bad guy for kicking her friend/cousin out of the WP.  Which also broke the verbal contract (so to speak) in regards to the bach trip. 

Quoted because I agree with all of this!

knottie73628

The bridal party has tried to include her in all conversations and everything with no response, the brides parents decided as well that she would not be in the bridal party because of her actions and complete disrespect towards everyone. She has blatantly told us that it is not important to her. 

MRDCle

knottie73628 said:

There is too much bullying and drama going on that is completely useless and it's a complete waste of time to sit and look at opinions of strangers who do not care to listen or understand anyone beyond their own judgment of what they think is happening. A simple question was asked and a few people took it too far, it's ridiculous. There is no reimbursement happening unless someone can take her spot and take care of her costs and that's all. 

TLDR: I’m deleting because no one agreed with me and we’re gonna do what we want anyways. 

MyNameIsNot

knottie73628 said:

The bridal party has tried to include her in all conversations and everything with no response, the brides parents decided as well that she would not be in the bridal party because of her actions and complete disrespect towards everyone. She has blatantly told us that it is not important to her. 

Why would it be important to her? Look at how you're all treating her!

I'm still waiting for you to explain how any of this was your decision. 

knottie73628

Why care so much? You are a grown adult, worry about your own life. We are going to do what we want anyways. But there are other forums I am on where people are much kinder and even if they don't agree, they do not resort to any type of bullying. I can see someone is still stuck in high school....

flantastic

knottie73628 said:

Why care so much? You are a grown adult, worry about your own life. We are going to do what we want anyways. But there are other forums I am on where people are much kinder and even if they don't agree, they do not resort to any type of bullying. I can see someone is still stuck in high school....

I just want you to realize that all of your deadlines are completely arbitrary and yet you were exerting pressure based on them, and that is what mostly caused this issue.

I have zero control over whether you do realize this, and will now go on with my day.

knottie73628

Well considering all bridesmaids and bride agreed on a set deadline since everyone is from out of town and were totally ok with it, I don't understand why it is my fault. All other BM did their duty and ordered the dress wayyyy before the deadline and paid for the events they chose to attend. It was never a requirement to attend anything besides the wedding and that was made extremely clear from the beginning, this EX BM chose to attend the bachelorette and agreed to the price for everything. Nothing to try and realize.

flantastic

knottie73628 said:

Well considering all bridesmaids and bride agreed on a set deadline since everyone is from out of town and were totally ok with it, I don't understand why it is my fault. All other BM did their duty and ordered the dress wayyyy before the deadline and paid for the events they chose to attend. It was never a requirement to attend anything besides the wedding and that was made extremely clear from the beginning, this EX BM chose to attend the bachelorette and agreed to the price for everything. Nothing to try and realize.

Just - what was the real life consequence of someone missing the weird self-imposed deadline? Trip had not happened. Wedding had not happened. They were actually months away.

If the answer is "nothing, except it might get you harassed by the bride and MOH," then they are arbitrary.

banana468

flantastic said:

knottie73628 said:

Well considering all bridesmaids and bride agreed on a set deadline since everyone is from out of town and were totally ok with it, I don't understand why it is my fault. All other BM did their duty and ordered the dress wayyyy before the deadline and paid for the events they chose to attend. It was never a requirement to attend anything besides the wedding and that was made extremely clear from the beginning, this EX BM chose to attend the bachelorette and agreed to the price for everything. Nothing to try and realize.

Just - what was the real life consequence of someone missing the weird self-imposed deadline? Trip had not happened. Wedding had not happened. They were actually months away.

If the answer is "nothing, except it might get you harassed by the bride and MOH," then they are arbitrary.

Exactly this!   

Also, asking pointed questions trying to come to an understanding of truth isn't bullying.   

Quite frankly, I think anyone who thinks that THIS is bullying should be ashamed of herself - especially when that same person was using textbook bullying behavior.

One more thing: the opinions of the parents of the bride do not matter in this situation.   They should not have been involved in this at all.   That they are involved makes me question the maturity level of all of this. 

climbingsingle

knottie73628 said:

The bridal party has tried to include her in all conversations and everything with no response, the brides parents decided as well that she would not be in the bridal party because of her actions and complete disrespect towards everyone. She has blatantly told us that it is not important to her. 

Wait, WUT. The bride's parents now decided to kick her out of the bridal party? What do they even have to do with this? 

banana468

climbingwife said:

knottie73628 said:

The bridal party has tried to include her in all conversations and everything with no response, the brides parents decided as well that she would not be in the bridal party because of her actions and complete disrespect towards everyone. She has blatantly told us that it is not important to her. 

Wait, WUT. The bride's parents now decided to kick her out of the bridal party? What do they even have to do with this? 

I guess "unfair bride is driving me crazy" is a sign that the apple isn't falling far from the tree.

MobKaz

geebee908 said:

Is this the same bride you were complaining about in an earlier discussion you started that was planning everything without consulting anyone's budget and the BMs were looking at spending $2000+ on this wedding? What happened between February and now that it's the ex-bridesmaid who is being unreasonable about spending money?

InLoveInQueens

Lol, multiple people asked this woman is she actually wanted to be in the bridal party and threatened to ~fire~ her, but no there couldn't possibly be a reason why she wasn't super excited to communicate with everyone.

No one gives nearly as much of a shit about someone else's wedding, even if they are in the bridal party, everyone's expectations about how involved this poor woman should be are ridiculous. I would love for her to post here so we could confirm for her that the bride, the rest of the bridal party, and the bride's fucking parents [!!] are all out of line.

Good job with the bat signal, OP. I hope one day you look back on your attitude on all this and realize you're absolutely 100% wrong, but people like you never do. And that's just sad.