Therapy + encourage mom to tell doctor about these sudden changes

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My dad, who is retired and in his late 60s, was in a self-described “living hell” for nine months because of health issues. About a month ago, he had a surgery that restored his quality of life. A couple of days into recovery, he had an epiphany. This led to seemingly reckless spending (nearly $20,000 in electronics) and a sudden inability to filter when speaking to my mom (they’ve been married for over 40 years). He has started telling her they don’t have the same priorities, that she’s too stupid to understand how things work, and that she’s being a downer regarding his recovery. Yes, she’s skeptical that everything is perfect health-wise (she’s right, it isn’t, but he refuses to listen and thinks he’s indestructible), but she doesn’t deserve to be spoken to this way. She keeps calling me asking where her husband went. The situation is compounded by his having short-term memory loss (he repeats himself and claims he wasn’t told something even though he was multiple times), which he denies. I live 1,000 miles away and don’t know what to do aside from listen to my mom and recommend therapy for them both.

—Dark Epiphany

kvruns

I wonder what the surgery was? I think my mind immediately goes to some sort of Grey's Anatomy neurosurgery where now the person has a changed personality as a result. 

banana468

POWER OF ATTORNEY.

If he can't remember things, has short term memory loss, is spending money like he's never spent it before and is arguing I'd say that there are some major issues that warrant a physician's examination.    

Hearing that someone came out of a major surgery and suffered from major cognitive impairment is something I've heard from several people.   At this point, I think mom needs to get him into a doctor and also to see a lawyer to talk about what he should and should not have access to financially.   

And well, if the LW lives 1,000 miles away I'd recommend booking a flight and sitting down in those offices with her mom.   She doesn't have to be at every meeting but there is a very real possibility that he shouldn't be in charge of his finances at first.    And a plan of elder care is going to be needed if memory loss becomes a bigger problem because he may be financial and physical danger to himself and others.

charlotte989875

Encourage you mom to attend his appointments with him and bring up these concerns to the doctor. If he doesn’t have any appointments scheduled, she should encourage him to schedule one. 

In the meantime have her talk to an estate/planning attorney and get some advice. Have her look through all their accounts to make sure nothing else is amiss. 

MesmrEwe

Mom definitely needs to go along to the medical appointments and bring this up with his MD because it can be a million simple things at the cause, but unless the MD knows to check, problems will continue.  That said - you find out a lot about the people around you when you deal with a chronic condition that is debilitating and to have the problem finally medically solved and have the chance at life again, well, was it really an epiphany or just consciously aware that they don't want the next 40 years to stay on the same course..  

As for the daughter, the issue may be that the daughter's validation of "Dad - we need to go see your Doc, I told you ____ and Mom was there too, we must get this checked out ASAP!" especially if he's ordering stuff and not remembering it.  Sometimes the kid has more pull than the spouse.  

Also, YES, this is the time to have the talks about estate planning and such (i.e. how do you want to be approached that it's time for assisted living/nursing home...  What are your top three preferences for assisted living/nursing home care? are equally as important!).  Early onset is nothing to mess with, OTOH, it could just simply be a medication side effect!!!  One of the biggest things they're discovering is dementia often has an Rx component in a number of cases!!