Hubby lied about stripper @ Bach party

hmphaseisover

We are now 6 months post wedding. 1 year since his bachelor party. 

I recently found out, via a slip up from my husband’s friend, that his “fishing in the middle of the gulf” bachelor party included a private party stripper coming to the lodge they were staying at. 

He admitted to this happened and that he has consistently lied about it over the last year. 

According to him, the stripper was fully nude (as in not even panties on), did a dance in front of him but “it wasn’t a lap dance”, whipped him with a belt while he was fully clothed and stood over him naked while she poured beer down his throat. Apparently he didn’t touch her in any way and he quickly “got out of the action” as soon as his part as the bachelor was over. 

I’m obviously devastated, but I don’t know what the proper way to handle this is...I don’t feel like this is divorce worthy, but....I’m having all these thoughts—like am I even getting the full story now?

He mistakenly tried to prove he wasn’t hiding anything further and let me search his phone and all that did was confirm his involvement with confirming the stripper and that he was simultaneously texting me (lying) conforming me there was no stripper coming to their lodge. 

.....advice?

OliveOilsMom

knottie95a729abec56b4bb said:

We are now 6 months post wedding. 1 year since his bachelor party. 

I recently found out, via a slip up from my husband’s friend, that his “fishing in the middle of the gulf” bachelor party included a private party stripper coming to the lodge they were staying at. 

He admitted to this happened and that he has consistently lied about it over the last year. 

According to him, the stripper was fully nude (as in not even panties on), did a dance in front of him but “it wasn’t a lap dance”, whipped him with a belt while he was fully clothed and stood over him naked while she poured beer down his throat. Apparently he didn’t touch her in any way and he quickly “got out of the action” as soon as his part as the bachelor was over. 

I’m obviously devastated, but I don’t know what the proper way to handle this is...I don’t feel like this is divorce worthy, but....I’m having all these thoughts—like am I even getting the full story now?

He mistakenly tried to prove he wasn’t hiding anything further and let me search his phone and all that did was confirm his involvement with confirming the stripper and that he was simultaneously texting me (lying) conforming me there was no stripper coming to their lodge. 

.....advice?

I wouldn't go right to divorce for this either. You have lots of questions.  It might be a good idea to work through these questions with your H and a neutral party.  So I would suggest finding a couples counselor to help you with this.  

Your H should have been upfront about this with you ahead of time.  For him to be hiding this, I would think you are very anti-stripper.  That is your right, but its not right that you enforce your views upon your H.  He is an adult and if you trust him, you should have let him go off and have fun for his b-party.  IMO.

maine7mob

Wow, I am so sorry this happened. This is serious.

 What does he say about it now? Before making any decisions, you should ask him what he thinks of what he did. Is he sorry? Was he out of control wasted? Does he see how this affects you? Have you seen any signs that his behavior has improved?

The answers to these questions should help you determine your next move. At the very least, counseling might be in order. But don't let anyone minimize this. Your feelings are a good gauge here. 

banana468

Is this serious?  

Has he lied to you before?  Did he have control over this?  Did you try to exert control over the bachelor party?  Was this lie an effort to spare feelings, cover up his choices or both?


If this is one isolated incident, he hasn't lied before or since and he's being truthful now then he breached your trust if he lied about this before to you.

But I also think you should look at the big picture here while processing to see if this is part of a bigger problem or if this is the problem.

LondonLisa

For me, this is very much like the old rule in politics: It isn't the crime, it's the cover up. 

Personally, I don't think strippers are THAT big of a deal, but it is clear that they are to you, and you made that clear. However, habitual lying IS a big deal. A really, really big one You don't know if what he is saying now is true or not. 

I would suggest couples therapy to talk about his need to hide this from you. Don't let him gaslight you by saying that he did it because he knew you would be upset, and it isn't a big deal. Lying is a massive, massive deal. I can really see him minimising this. 

Sometimes in a marriage, it is fair to say "this is important to me, and you may not understand it, but please respect it" to your spouse (ie: Its ok to say: I don't like strippers, I know you don't think its a big deal, but it is to me). I know plenty of people that had similar situations where a friend ordered them to the groom's surprise, but the groom should come home and tell his wife the truth. 

flantastic

banana468 said:

Is this serious?  

Has he lied to you before?  Did he have control over this?  Did you try to exert control over the bachelor party?  Was this lie an effort to spare feelings, cover up his choices or both?


If this is one isolated incident, he hasn't lied before or since and he's being truthful now then he breached your trust if he lied about this before to you.

But I also think you should look at the big picture here while processing to see if this is part of a bigger problem or if this is the problem.

These are roughly the questions I have. I'm sorry you're dealing with a breach of trust.

What motivation did he have to lie? Why were you texting with him during the bachelor party to confirm the existence or not of a stripper? What reason did you have to believe that this was happening and thus created that sort of text exchange? Did he plan any part of this, or did his friends just want him to have fun?

I think everyone agrees here that he should not have lied to you after the fact, but there are reasons - particularly if you're pretty hardliner on strippers or were trying to control the party - where this would be an (ill-advised) choice to spare your feelings or himself your wrath. It wouldn't be right, but it'd be somewhat understandable.

A pattern of lying is a different thing.

ETA - I see now that he was involved in "confirming" the stripper, so this wasn't a panic lie so much as an intentional one. In that instance I'm more towards the end of @LondonLisa's advice.

downtondiva

If his friends had surprised him with the stripper and he wasn't expecting there to be one, I could see him panic lying or wanting to spare your feelings. Maybe I'd cut him some slack.

But reading your post again, I see that this is different. He went behind your back to make sure there was a stripper at his bachelor party - I assume knowing how you felt about it - and has been comfortable lying to you about it for a year. That's really bad, and I understand why you are so upset and why you are wondering if you're even getting the whole story now.  

Couples counseling is essential before you can decide how to move forward. There's a lot you need to address here: why did he feel the need to lie to you, and why did he find it so easy to do so? Do you think this is the only thing he's lying about? Can you rebuild your trust in him? No, you shouldn't be running to a divorce lawyer yet, but you do need to establish if this was a really big mistake that you can get past with some help, or whether you're going to spend the rest of your life wondering if he's being honest with you.

hmphaseisover

So from what I’ve gathered over many conversations on this topic...he’s lied about ever bachelor party he’s been on, including his. According to him, the lie was about being at the strip club or the existence of a stripper. So same topic, different occurrences. 

When i I sent him off on his bachelor party, I simply asked for this not to happen and was constantly reassured that the strip club thing was a no go because NOLA was 2 hours away and there was no way anyone was going to be sober enough to drive. Additionally I was assured that there was just “no possibility” of ordering a stripper. So any talk of it during his trip was mainly me teasing, as opposed to interrogation, because we talked probably only 2 times a day during that weekend. I don’t think that I would label anything that I did as trying to control his trip, I simply asked for no stripper/strip club and he tried to honor that by choosing a fishing trip. 

He’s extremely sorry, remorseful, contrite, etc etc etc. He acknowledged his guilt and has basically reacted and acted appropriately.  

The main thing that we have acknowledged is that he HAS changed in the past year. He’s gone from party boy every weekend to laid back husband/step-father who only lets loose for important friend occasions. He gets a lot of points back in that respect, which is why divorce is off the table. 

We are planning on couples therapy and We can talk about this maturely....I just don’t know what/if “punishment”/“consequences” is warranted. Or even what “actions” would help me show he’s building back trust. 

Im also having a hard time believing the “she didn’t touch me” story. 

Thank you you all for your advice and guidance. I’m still pretty blindsided, so this has been helpful to talk about it. 

hmphaseisover

also, I tried to change my username but it isn’t working, sorry!

charlotte989875

knottie95a729abec56b4bb said:

So from what I’ve gathered over many conversations on this topic...he’s lied about ever bachelor party he’s been on, including his. According to him, the lie was about being at the strip club or the existence of a stripper. So same topic, different occurrences. 

When i I sent him off on his bachelor party, I simply asked for this not to happen and was constantly reassured that the strip club thing was a no go because NOLA was 2 hours away and there was no way anyone was going to be sober enough to drive. Additionally I was assured that there was just “no possibility” of ordering a stripper. So any talk of it during his trip was mainly me teasing, as opposed to interrogation, because we talked probably only 2 times a day during that weekend. I don’t think that I would label anything that I did as trying to control his trip, I simply asked for no stripper/strip club and he tried to honor that by choosing a fishing trip. 

He’s extremely sorry, remorseful, contrite, etc etc etc. He acknowledged his guilt and has basically reacted and acted appropriately.  

The main thing that we have acknowledged is that he HAS changed in the past year. He’s gone from party boy every weekend to laid back husband/step-father who only lets loose for important friend occasions. He gets a lot of points back in that respect, which is why divorce is off the table. 

We are planning on couples therapy and We can talk about this maturely....I just don’t know what/if “punishment”/“consequences” is warranted. Or even what “actions” would help me show he’s building back trust. 

Im also having a hard time believing the “she didn’t touch me” story. 

Thank you you all for your advice and guidance. I’m still pretty blindsided, so this has been helpful to talk about it. 

I’d be really angry about the lying, and apparently repeated lying, about this. It sounds like the two of you talked about what was expected to happen and he intentionally lied about it. I’d have a hard time getting over that regardless of what the lie was about. 

I will say though that that I think it’s unrealistic to expect there won’t be any strippers at any bachelor party he attends, ever for anyone. He gets to control what happens at an even in his honor (to a certain extent) but he doesn’t get to control what happens at other people’s parties. This is absolutely not an excuse for him to lie to you (again that’s not okay). 

If he doesn't want to be at parties with strippers then he needs to tell his friends that he’s not attending these anymore (or that he’ll leave when the party moves to that part of the night). But if he wants to attend parties with strippers and you aren’t comfortable with that then you two need to decide how to handle these events in the future. I’m not saying you have to be comfortable with strippers, or that he has to never attend these events in the future, but whatever understanding you two had in place clearly isn’t working because he’s lying about it. 

In the immediate future counseling for sure and I’d think about what you need to start rebuilding trust here. 

redwoodoriginal

I just don’t really understand why there was even a continuing discussion of strippers after the bachelor party, much less six months laters. 

charlotte989875

redwoodoriginal said:

I just don’t really understand why there was even a continuing discussion of strippers after the bachelor party, much less six months laters. 

The OP said a friend mentioned it. 

hmphaseisover

@redwoodoriginal Apparently said stripper was paid with Venmo, the conversation where this information “slipped out” was involving Venmo and the funny things people put on their Venmo exchanges. For example, it’s funny to put “titties” when paying a stripper ....

banana468

I think you two need the counseling but also be introspective.   

Your two statements are incongruous.   You DID try to control his bachelor party by asking for no stripper to be there.   Whether you think that is appropriate is really not important but the fact is, you DID ask for something not to happen.   In that vein, is this in keeping with his personality or is this something that is atypical?  Does he regularly go to clubs? 

The bottom line is that there is a breach of trust and that needs to be remedied.   But you two also need to have a deeper conversation on your own trust and control and where that extends.   What works for one marriage doesn't work for all but no marriage will work if he lies to you and does what he wants to avoid conflict. 

bubblylove

You don't like strippers and don't trust your H enough so he lied. The lie is wrong but you also had a role in this by trying to control his party. Also, the fact that you "barely talked to him twice a day" on his bachelor weekend is a bit clingy to me. Let him hang with his guys. Jeez.

charlotte989875

bubblylove said:

You don't like strippers and don't trust your H enough so he lied. The lie is wrong but you also had a role in this by trying to control his party. Also, the fact that you "barely talked to him twice a day" on his bachelor weekend is a bit clingy to me. Let him hang with his guys. Jeez.

Yeah except this is blaming a woman for a man’s decision to lie. If he knew there were going to be strippers there, or once he got home the right thing to do is say “hey wife there are going to be strippers, I know how you feel about them, but I’ll leave/whatever when that happens” or “I didn’t know this was going to happen, but it did” not lie (repeatedly) to his wife. 

If he felt like what she was asking was too much he needed to talk to her. But it’s not on her that he decided to lie. 

hmphaseisover

I’ve never gotten the feeling that I was asking too much...but when the situation arose and the choice had to be made, he didn’t choose me/our relationship. 
Granted, I don’t think he’s that person anymore, and obviously I’ve grown too. But a lie is a lie, and this one involved a naked female grinding on him in a non-public setting. It just hurts. 

MyNameIsNot

banana468 said:

I think you two need the counseling but also be introspective.   

Your two statements are incongruous.   You DID try to control his bachelor party by asking for no stripper to be there.   Whether you think that is appropriate is really not important but the fact is, you DID ask for something not to happen.   In that vein, is this in keeping with his personality or is this something that is atypical?  Does he regularly go to clubs? 

The bottom line is that there is a breach of trust and that needs to be remedied.   But you two also need to have a deeper conversation on your own trust and control and where that extends.   What works for one marriage doesn't work for all but no marriage will work if he lies to you and does what he wants to avoid conflict. 

This is where I am. Lying repeatedly, for over a year, is a huge deal. I don't think I could stay married to someone who could do that to me. Trust is so important; I don't know how I'd ever regain trust after so many lies.

That said, I could never imagine myself in a marriage where I needed to exert so much control over my husband. I'm not saying it's right for him to lie to you, but I can see where the lie is not the only issue. If you're controlling his bach party, bringing it up multiple times, and calling twice a day during the party, did you ever really trust him to begin with?

Your language about punishment/consequences are really troubling. This is supposed to be an equal partnership working together. You're acting like you've won something and how have the upper hand to make him do something for you. It doesn't work that way. 

At the very least, counselling is in order here. 

banana468

knottie95a729abec56b4bb said:

I’ve never gotten the feeling that I was asking too much...but when the situation arose and the choice had to be made, he didn’t choose me/our relationship. 
Granted, I don’t think he’s that person anymore, and obviously I’ve grown too. But a lie is a lie, and this one involved a naked female grinding on him in a non-public setting. It just hurts. 

That's often what controlling people do though.   And I don't see this as controlling to the point that you may be toxic.   But you do need to accept that you DID ask for conditions to be placed on his bachelor party and you tried to reach out to him during that event.   You knew where he was and this was his time with his friends.   Was it necessary to try to stay in contact with him during that time? Did you talk to him two time each day over the weekend?   Why? 
If that's how your relationship works, great.   But I can tell you that this isn't something that you can say all people do.   When my husband is out for a weekend I don't call him to keep tabs on his whereabouts when I don't expect him home.   And if you're interrupting his time with the guys what does it accomplish unless your'e attempting to keep tabs on his activities? 

In no way shape or form do I think lying to you over the course of the last several months is OK.   If it's been one lie then he's attempting to keep the truth from you.  

I think you both need counseling and perhaps some counseling on your own.   Some questions that jump out at me that I'd ask myself if I was in your shoes:

-Why did you put any kind of request on his bachelor party?  
-Can you admit that the request of no strippers was in and of itself an attempt to control some of it?  (This isn't asking if the request is reasonable.   It's asking whether you can see that by making the request you are asking for him to do something for you at a party for him.)
-Why did you talk to him two times a day during his bachelor party weekend? 
-What did those conversations accomplish? 
-If you feel this trust has been repaired, what do you expect him to do at another bachelor party if a stripper is involved? 
-As a follow up to the above, do you expect him to tell you if there is one? 
-If he's gone for a weekend again, do you expect him to check in with you periodically?  
-If he doesn't can you trust him? 

In most of the questions IMO there isn't a 'right' or wrong answer.   But I do think that you need to know look into yourself a bit here because any relationship takes two people to work.   And the interpretation I have thus far is that you asked your DH to do something that was reasonable in your eyes that deviated from who he is.   And you two need to have a conversation about your mutual expectations.

What I can tell you:  Keeping tabs on your partner at all times is not a sign of trust.   And if you need to know what and where he is at all times it's not a great sign. 

charlotte989875

I don’t know that I agree with some of the above; if their dynamic is to chat 1-2 times a day (normal day and/or when OOT) I don’t see that as controlling. We don’t do that (we never have) but that doesn’t mean is wrong or unhealthy. Sure needing to know where someone is at all times everyday forever raises red flags, but checking in and/or just chatting IMO isn’t the same thing as controlling. 

And with the strippers? It doesn’t bother me, but assuming two people have agreed on monogamy it’s not that crazy to think one person might not be comfortable with the other person having a completely naked person dance on them. I think we’ve normalized behavior for bachelor parties that in any other context we’d think was completely unacceptable. 

I agree that one person in a relationship can’t lay down rules about what happens at events the other person is at; but I don’t agree that making your preferences about something like this known makes it okay for the other person to lie about it. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

I don’t know that I agree with some of the above; if their dynamic is to chat 1-2 times a day (normal day and/or when OOT) I don’t see that as controlling. We don’t do that (we never have) but that doesn’t mean is wrong or unhealthy. Sure needing to know where someone is at all times everyday forever raises red flags, but checking in and/or just chatting IMO isn’t the same thing as controlling. 

And with the strippers? It doesn’t bother me, but assuming two people have agreed on monogamy it’s not that crazy to think one person might not be comfortable with the other person having a completely naked person dance on them. I think we’ve normalized behavior for bachelor parties that in any other context we’d think was completely unacceptable. 

I agree that one person in a relationship can’t lay down rules about what happens at events the other person is at; but I don’t agree that making your preferences about something like this known makes it okay for the other person to lie about it. 

It's not about their dynamic.   It's the why.

DH and I message each other throughout the day.   But it's understood that when he's out with the guys and doing something that he wants to be left alone unless there's a major need that comes up.   Work day regular banter =/= weekend away with guys.   And we just don't talk on the phone almost ever.   So I recognize that calling to check in is not even part of my relationship dynamic.   But again, it's WHY is she calling.   Is there any valuable purpose that calling him serves?   

Whether or not I agree with strippers isn't the point.   If you say anything about what you are and are not OK with at the bachelor party that IS a request to have some kind of control.   And frankly I don't know that asking that is necessarily bad.   But if you make that request you need to acknowledge that you had a part in it, that YOU requested it and that you asked him to make some kind of change.

I am interpreting that the OP asked for no strippers and then was fed a series of lies about how a stripper would  not be possible which then made her feel like she was absolved of the request and that it stopped existing.   She needs to accept that she asked this because his betrayal of her trust hinges on it.     

At no time is it OK that he lied to her.   

hmphaseisover

We spoke twice a day, mostly mutually initiated. He was on and off the water, while drinking, in an area of not great cell service. We have a child, who wants/asks to speak to him....and he knows that. It was never a bother. 
I don’t think contact over the bachelor party weekend equals any kind of problem when it was mutual initiated. For the most part it was a lot less than any usual contact that we have, because it was his weekend. 

The request for no strippers is just a personal request...something I’m not keen on (think: southern, catholic roots)

Sure I probably need individual counseling, who doesn’t? But I can’t concede that any requests or actions on my part equals any kind of culpability to in any way absolve him of lying about something that would have simply disappointed me at the time, as opposed to now causing major breach of trust. 

banana468

knottie95a729abec56b4bb said:

We spoke twice a day, mostly mutually initiated. He was on and off the water, while drinking, in an area of not great cell service. We have a child, who wants/asks to speak to him....and he knows that. It was never a bother. 
I don’t think contact over the bachelor party weekend equals any kind of problem when it was mutual initiated. For the most part it was a lot less than any usual contact that we have, because it was his weekend. 

The request for no strippers is just a personal request...something I’m not keen on (think: southern, catholic roots)

Sure I probably need individual counseling, who doesn’t? But I can’t concede that any requests or actions on my part equals any kind of culpability to in any way absolve him of lying about something that would have simply disappointed me at the time, as opposed to now causing major breach of trust. 

Knowing that there's a kid can change it up.    That's different so thank you for the clarification.

I'm Catholic as well.   I can appreciate not liking strippers and making the request.  When I've asked things of DH (also Catholic) I acknowledge that my request is an attempt to control.   Is your DH Catholic?  Is he Southern?  Is that request also outside his comfort zone?  

He's breached your trust - full stop.   My point of the questions is that there are two facets to this situation:

1) Your husband lied to you.   This isn't OK and the trust needs to be built back in your marriage.

2) When situations like this come up again, how do you anticipate handling them?   

charlotte989875

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

I don’t know that I agree with some of the above; if their dynamic is to chat 1-2 times a day (normal day and/or when OOT) I don’t see that as controlling. We don’t do that (we never have) but that doesn’t mean is wrong or unhealthy. Sure needing to know where someone is at all times everyday forever raises red flags, but checking in and/or just chatting IMO isn’t the same thing as controlling. 

And with the strippers? It doesn’t bother me, but assuming two people have agreed on monogamy it’s not that crazy to think one person might not be comfortable with the other person having a completely naked person dance on them. I think we’ve normalized behavior for bachelor parties that in any other context we’d think was completely unacceptable. 

I agree that one person in a relationship can’t lay down rules about what happens at events the other person is at; but I don’t agree that making your preferences about something like this known makes it okay for the other person to lie about it. 

It's not about their dynamic.   It's the why.

DH and I message each other throughout the day.   But it's understood that when he's out with the guys and doing something that he wants to be left alone unless there's a major need that comes up.   Work day regular banter =/= weekend away with guys.   And we just don't talk on the phone almost ever.   So I recognize that calling to check in is not even part of my relationship dynamic.   But again, it's WHY is she calling.   Is there any valuable purpose that calling him serves?   

Whether or not I agree with strippers isn't the point.   If you say anything about what you are and are not OK with at the bachelor party that IS a request to have some kind of control.   And frankly I don't know that asking that is necessarily bad.   But if you make that request you need to acknowledge that you had a part in it, that YOU requested it and that you asked him to make some kind of change.

I am interpreting that the OP asked for no strippers and then was fed a series of lies about how a stripper would  not be possible which then made her feel like she was absolved of the request and that it stopped existing.   She needs to accept that she asked this because his betrayal of her trust hinges on it.     

At no time is it OK that he lied to her.   

Maybe a little snarky, but wanting to talk to your partner isn’t a valuable enough reason to call? I get guys weekend (hell my H was gone all weekend without phone service and it’s totally fine) but are we really saying it’s controlling to call your partner? 

If her motivation was purely rely to keep tabs on him and check what he’s doing I totally agree that’s a problem. Full stop. But just calling? Eh it doesn’t sound that problematic to me. 

But also, she made a request about the strippers. She didn’t (assuming from what she’s said) demand he not go if there were strippers, didn’t call around his and demand no strippers, didn’t call the hotel or anything else to ask what as happening. She made a request. He could have 1) accepted that and said no strippers. 2) said he didn’t know what was happening because he wasn’t planning then party but would ask them not have them 3) said he wanted strippers there and her request wasn’t okay with him and continued to work something out. (There are probably more options too). He didn’t do any of those things, he lied about it.

I guess I don’t get why request for no strippers = she’s controlling what’s going on at his party. She made a request and he could respond to that however he needs to. People make requests all the time of their partners, sometimes they’re granted other times they’re not. 

charlotte989875

banana468 said:

knottie95a729abec56b4bb said:

We spoke twice a day, mostly mutually initiated. He was on and off the water, while drinking, in an area of not great cell service. We have a child, who wants/asks to speak to him....and he knows that. It was never a bother. 
I don’t think contact over the bachelor party weekend equals any kind of problem when it was mutual initiated. For the most part it was a lot less than any usual contact that we have, because it was his weekend. 

The request for no strippers is just a personal request...something I’m not keen on (think: southern, catholic roots)

Sure I probably need individual counseling, who doesn’t? But I can’t concede that any requests or actions on my part equals any kind of culpability to in any way absolve him of lying about something that would have simply disappointed me at the time, as opposed to now causing major breach of trust. 

Knowing that there's a kid can change it up.    That's different so thank you for the clarification.

I'm Catholic as well.   I can appreciate not liking strippers and making the request.  When I've asked things of DH (also Catholic) I acknowledge that my request is an attempt to control.   Is your DH Catholic?  Is he Southern?  Is that request also outside his comfort zone?  

He's breached your trust - full stop.   My point of the questions is that there are two facets to this situation:

1) Your husband lied to you.   This isn't OK and the trust needs to be built back in your marriage.

2) When situations like this come up again, how do you anticipate handling them?   

I do agree with all of this. 

VarunaTT

I just don’t know what/if “punishment”/“consequences” is warranted. Or even what “actions” would help me show he’s building back trust. 

This is the red flag to me.

Question:  if he had come home and told the truth, what would've went down between the two of you?  I know we can't really know, but I'm assuming there would've been problems, otherwise why lie.  It's not right to lie to avoid a fight, but we all do and have done it.

No, he doesn't deserve "punishment".  He's not your child, he's an adult who made a choice and is now dealing with the consequences of the choice that was not what I would consider the correct one.  The consequences is the lost of your trust. 

But get to the real issue:  how did this happen?  Is this a pattern that's repeating?  Are you playing a role in it and how can you mitigate that?  Individuals are rarely the sole cause of problems in a relationship and that's what therapy needs to be about.  Not asking the therapist, "How do I punish someone who did something I don't approve of."

MyNameIsNot

charlotte989875 said:

I don’t know that I agree with some of the above; if their dynamic is to chat 1-2 times a day (normal day and/or when OOT) I don’t see that as controlling. We don’t do that (we never have) but that doesn’t mean is wrong or unhealthy. Sure needing to know where someone is at all times everyday forever raises red flags, but checking in and/or just chatting IMO isn’t the same thing as controlling. 

And with the strippers? It doesn’t bother me, but assuming two people have agreed on monogamy it’s not that crazy to think one person might not be comfortable with the other person having a completely naked person dance on them. I think we’ve normalized behavior for bachelor parties that in any other context we’d think was completely unacceptable. 

I agree that one person in a relationship can’t lay down rules about what happens at events the other person is at; but I don’t agree that making your preferences about something like this known makes it okay for the other person to lie about it. 

I don't think that's what anyone is saying at all. Of course he is wrong to lie. 

The thing is, that lie didn't happen in a vacuum, it sounds like the lie is a symptom of a larger problem. It really don't sound like there is mutual respect or trust going either way here. OP may have a preference about strippers, but she doesn't get to unilaterally decide that hubby can't have strippers at his bach party because she has a preference against them. She's not a parent giving a child permission. (Nor should she be doling out punishment when he disobeys.) 

He is absolutely wrong to lie, and shouldn't be absolved. However, having him turn over his phone or do some other kind of "punishment" (OP's word) is not going to solve anything. 

charlotte989875

MyNameIsNot said:

charlotte989875 said:

I don’t know that I agree with some of the above; if their dynamic is to chat 1-2 times a day (normal day and/or when OOT) I don’t see that as controlling. We don’t do that (we never have) but that doesn’t mean is wrong or unhealthy. Sure needing to know where someone is at all times everyday forever raises red flags, but checking in and/or just chatting IMO isn’t the same thing as controlling. 

And with the strippers? It doesn’t bother me, but assuming two people have agreed on monogamy it’s not that crazy to think one person might not be comfortable with the other person having a completely naked person dance on them. I think we’ve normalized behavior for bachelor parties that in any other context we’d think was completely unacceptable. 

I agree that one person in a relationship can’t lay down rules about what happens at events the other person is at; but I don’t agree that making your preferences about something like this known makes it okay for the other person to lie about it. 

I don't think that's what anyone is saying at all. Of course he is wrong to lie. 

The thing is, that lie didn't happen in a vacuum, it sounds like the lie is a symptom of a larger problem. It really don't sound like there is mutual respect or trust going either way here. OP may have a preference about strippers, but she doesn't get to unilaterally decide that hubby can't have strippers at his bach party because she has a preference against them. She's not a parent giving a child permission. (Nor should she be doling out punishment when he disobeys.) 

He is absolutely wrong to lie, and shouldn't be absolved. However, having him turn over his phone or do some other kind of "punishment" (OP's word) is not going to solve anything. 

But why is a request her unilaterally deciding he can’t have them? A request is just that, a request. He is an adult and can say whether or not he is okay with that. 

Totally agree “punishment” is a super big problem and not at all the way to resolve it. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

I don’t know that I agree with some of the above; if their dynamic is to chat 1-2 times a day (normal day and/or when OOT) I don’t see that as controlling. We don’t do that (we never have) but that doesn’t mean is wrong or unhealthy. Sure needing to know where someone is at all times everyday forever raises red flags, but checking in and/or just chatting IMO isn’t the same thing as controlling. 

And with the strippers? It doesn’t bother me, but assuming two people have agreed on monogamy it’s not that crazy to think one person might not be comfortable with the other person having a completely naked person dance on them. I think we’ve normalized behavior for bachelor parties that in any other context we’d think was completely unacceptable. 

I agree that one person in a relationship can’t lay down rules about what happens at events the other person is at; but I don’t agree that making your preferences about something like this known makes it okay for the other person to lie about it. 

It's not about their dynamic.   It's the why.

DH and I message each other throughout the day.   But it's understood that when he's out with the guys and doing something that he wants to be left alone unless there's a major need that comes up.   Work day regular banter =/= weekend away with guys.   And we just don't talk on the phone almost ever.   So I recognize that calling to check in is not even part of my relationship dynamic.   But again, it's WHY is she calling.   Is there any valuable purpose that calling him serves?   

Whether or not I agree with strippers isn't the point.   If you say anything about what you are and are not OK with at the bachelor party that IS a request to have some kind of control.   And frankly I don't know that asking that is necessarily bad.   But if you make that request you need to acknowledge that you had a part in it, that YOU requested it and that you asked him to make some kind of change.

I am interpreting that the OP asked for no strippers and then was fed a series of lies about how a stripper would  not be possible which then made her feel like she was absolved of the request and that it stopped existing.   She needs to accept that she asked this because his betrayal of her trust hinges on it.     

At no time is it OK that he lied to her.   

Maybe a little snarky, but wanting to talk to your partner isn’t a valuable enough reason to call? I get guys weekend (hell my H was gone all weekend without phone service and it’s totally fine) but are we really saying it’s controlling to call your partner? 

If her motivation was purely rely to keep tabs on him and check what he’s doing I totally agree that’s a problem. Full stop. But just calling? Eh it doesn’t sound that problematic to me. 

But also, she made a request about the strippers. She didn’t (assuming from what she’s said) demand he not go if there were strippers, didn’t call around his and demand no strippers, didn’t call the hotel or anything else to ask what as happening. She made a request. He could have 1) accepted that and said no strippers. 2) said he didn’t know what was happening because he wasn’t planning then party but would ask them not have them 3) said he wanted strippers there and her request wasn’t okay with him and continued to work something out. (There are probably more options too). He didn’t do any of those things, he lied about it.

I guess I don’t get why request for no strippers = she’s controlling what’s going on at his party. She made a request and he could respond to that however he needs to. People make requests all the time of their partners, sometimes they’re granted other times they’re not. 

So full on snark:
-If you know that your H is in the middle of a group party that's in his honor and you know you're interrupting it, why call?  If you were in the middle of your bridal shower / baby shower other girls-only event in your honor and your H wanted to just call when he wasn't welcome at the event is that OK or is it at least interrupting?   

-I think it CAN be but doesn't HAVE to be controlling to call your SO.   It's all about what motivates the request.  If it's, "Hey, Chiquito and Chiquita are hoping to say goodnight to you.   Do you mind talking to them for a few minutes?" acknowledges that you're interrupting, asks if he can spare that time and then asserts that you'd appreciate him attending to his CHILD rather than his PARTNER.   That's IMO different than "Hey sweetie!   How's it going?  What are you up to? "  

-Any request of any type that is made is a request for some kind of control.  Sometimes that request is granted and sometime it isn't.   But anyone making a request needs to acknowledge that when making that request it's an attempt to have control.   It's not about it being good or bad.   It's understanding that by making it you DID insert an attempt to control things.    

charlotte989875

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

I don’t know that I agree with some of the above; if their dynamic is to chat 1-2 times a day (normal day and/or when OOT) I don’t see that as controlling. We don’t do that (we never have) but that doesn’t mean is wrong or unhealthy. Sure needing to know where someone is at all times everyday forever raises red flags, but checking in and/or just chatting IMO isn’t the same thing as controlling. 

And with the strippers? It doesn’t bother me, but assuming two people have agreed on monogamy it’s not that crazy to think one person might not be comfortable with the other person having a completely naked person dance on them. I think we’ve normalized behavior for bachelor parties that in any other context we’d think was completely unacceptable. 

I agree that one person in a relationship can’t lay down rules about what happens at events the other person is at; but I don’t agree that making your preferences about something like this known makes it okay for the other person to lie about it. 

It's not about their dynamic.   It's the why.

DH and I message each other throughout the day.   But it's understood that when he's out with the guys and doing something that he wants to be left alone unless there's a major need that comes up.   Work day regular banter =/= weekend away with guys.   And we just don't talk on the phone almost ever.   So I recognize that calling to check in is not even part of my relationship dynamic.   But again, it's WHY is she calling.   Is there any valuable purpose that calling him serves?   

Whether or not I agree with strippers isn't the point.   If you say anything about what you are and are not OK with at the bachelor party that IS a request to have some kind of control.   And frankly I don't know that asking that is necessarily bad.   But if you make that request you need to acknowledge that you had a part in it, that YOU requested it and that you asked him to make some kind of change.

I am interpreting that the OP asked for no strippers and then was fed a series of lies about how a stripper would  not be possible which then made her feel like she was absolved of the request and that it stopped existing.   She needs to accept that she asked this because his betrayal of her trust hinges on it.     

At no time is it OK that he lied to her.   

Maybe a little snarky, but wanting to talk to your partner isn’t a valuable enough reason to call? I get guys weekend (hell my H was gone all weekend without phone service and it’s totally fine) but are we really saying it’s controlling to call your partner? 

If her motivation was purely rely to keep tabs on him and check what he’s doing I totally agree that’s a problem. Full stop. But just calling? Eh it doesn’t sound that problematic to me. 

But also, she made a request about the strippers. She didn’t (assuming from what she’s said) demand he not go if there were strippers, didn’t call around his and demand no strippers, didn’t call the hotel or anything else to ask what as happening. She made a request. He could have 1) accepted that and said no strippers. 2) said he didn’t know what was happening because he wasn’t planning then party but would ask them not have them 3) said he wanted strippers there and her request wasn’t okay with him and continued to work something out. (There are probably more options too). He didn’t do any of those things, he lied about it.

I guess I don’t get why request for no strippers = she’s controlling what’s going on at his party. She made a request and he could respond to that however he needs to. People make requests all the time of their partners, sometimes they’re granted other times they’re not. 

So full on snark:
-If you know that your H is in the middle of a group party that's in his honor and you know you're interrupting it, why call?  If you were in the middle of your bridal shower / baby shower other girls-only event in your honor and your H wanted to just call when he wasn't welcome at the event is that OK or is it at least interrupting?   

-I think it CAN be but doesn't HAVE to be controlling to call your SO.   It's all about what motivates the request.  If it's, "Hey, Chiquito and Chiquita are hoping to say goodnight to you.   Do you mind talking to them for a few minutes?" acknowledges that you're interrupting, asks if he can spare that time and then asserts that you'd appreciate him attending to his CHILD rather than his PARTNER.   That's IMO different than "Hey sweetie!   How's it going?  What are you up to? "  

-Any request of any type that is made is a request for some kind of control.  Sometimes that request is granted and sometime it isn't.   But anyone making a request needs to acknowledge that when making that request it's an attempt to have control.   It's not about it being good or bad.   It's understanding that by making it you DID insert an attempt to control things.    

I just disagree and that’s fine. I don’t think saying “things make me uncomfortable please consider not doing it” is an attempt to have control. I believe it’s being upfront about what you’re okay within a relationship and what you’re not okay with. But again we don’t have to see eye to eye on that. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

I don’t know that I agree with some of the above; if their dynamic is to chat 1-2 times a day (normal day and/or when OOT) I don’t see that as controlling. We don’t do that (we never have) but that doesn’t mean is wrong or unhealthy. Sure needing to know where someone is at all times everyday forever raises red flags, but checking in and/or just chatting IMO isn’t the same thing as controlling. 

And with the strippers? It doesn’t bother me, but assuming two people have agreed on monogamy it’s not that crazy to think one person might not be comfortable with the other person having a completely naked person dance on them. I think we’ve normalized behavior for bachelor parties that in any other context we’d think was completely unacceptable. 

I agree that one person in a relationship can’t lay down rules about what happens at events the other person is at; but I don’t agree that making your preferences about something like this known makes it okay for the other person to lie about it. 

It's not about their dynamic.   It's the why.

DH and I message each other throughout the day.   But it's understood that when he's out with the guys and doing something that he wants to be left alone unless there's a major need that comes up.   Work day regular banter =/= weekend away with guys.   And we just don't talk on the phone almost ever.   So I recognize that calling to check in is not even part of my relationship dynamic.   But again, it's WHY is she calling.   Is there any valuable purpose that calling him serves?   

Whether or not I agree with strippers isn't the point.   If you say anything about what you are and are not OK with at the bachelor party that IS a request to have some kind of control.   And frankly I don't know that asking that is necessarily bad.   But if you make that request you need to acknowledge that you had a part in it, that YOU requested it and that you asked him to make some kind of change.

I am interpreting that the OP asked for no strippers and then was fed a series of lies about how a stripper would  not be possible which then made her feel like she was absolved of the request and that it stopped existing.   She needs to accept that she asked this because his betrayal of her trust hinges on it.     

At no time is it OK that he lied to her.   

Maybe a little snarky, but wanting to talk to your partner isn’t a valuable enough reason to call? I get guys weekend (hell my H was gone all weekend without phone service and it’s totally fine) but are we really saying it’s controlling to call your partner? 

If her motivation was purely rely to keep tabs on him and check what he’s doing I totally agree that’s a problem. Full stop. But just calling? Eh it doesn’t sound that problematic to me. 

But also, she made a request about the strippers. She didn’t (assuming from what she’s said) demand he not go if there were strippers, didn’t call around his and demand no strippers, didn’t call the hotel or anything else to ask what as happening. She made a request. He could have 1) accepted that and said no strippers. 2) said he didn’t know what was happening because he wasn’t planning then party but would ask them not have them 3) said he wanted strippers there and her request wasn’t okay with him and continued to work something out. (There are probably more options too). He didn’t do any of those things, he lied about it.

I guess I don’t get why request for no strippers = she’s controlling what’s going on at his party. She made a request and he could respond to that however he needs to. People make requests all the time of their partners, sometimes they’re granted other times they’re not. 

So full on snark:
-If you know that your H is in the middle of a group party that's in his honor and you know you're interrupting it, why call?  If you were in the middle of your bridal shower / baby shower other girls-only event in your honor and your H wanted to just call when he wasn't welcome at the event is that OK or is it at least interrupting?   

-I think it CAN be but doesn't HAVE to be controlling to call your SO.   It's all about what motivates the request.  If it's, "Hey, Chiquito and Chiquita are hoping to say goodnight to you.   Do you mind talking to them for a few minutes?" acknowledges that you're interrupting, asks if he can spare that time and then asserts that you'd appreciate him attending to his CHILD rather than his PARTNER.   That's IMO different than "Hey sweetie!   How's it going?  What are you up to? "  

-Any request of any type that is made is a request for some kind of control.  Sometimes that request is granted and sometime it isn't.   But anyone making a request needs to acknowledge that when making that request it's an attempt to have control.   It's not about it being good or bad.   It's understanding that by making it you DID insert an attempt to control things.    

I just disagree and that’s fine. I don’t think saying “things make me uncomfortable please consider not doing it” is an attempt to have control. I believe it’s being upfront about what you’re okay within a relationship and what you’re not okay with. But again we don’t have to see eye to eye on that. 

It's a request that is made in an effort to please her.   It's the very definition of control!   She asked to influence his behavior!   Whether or not they are aligned is not the point.

If I went to a restaurant and said, "I'd like no bread with my dish and could you please put the butter on the side?" that is both a request and an attempt at control.   IMO neither are bad.      And frankly if she said, "I really have major issues with strippers for following reasons and it would make me feel both upset and disrespected if you had them," is both a reasonable request and is an attempt to control.

Maybe it's that control often appears to be a negative?  IMO it isn't always negative.