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Wedding Woes

You Aren't Responsible for Matt

Dear Prudence,
For more than 10 years, I was best friends with an abusive, controlling man, “Matt.” In my early 20s, I moved to a new city to be closer to him and collaborate together. He put down my appearance and personality and denigrated any friendship I had that wasn’t with him. He also dealt with extensive, episodic bouts of depression. About eight years ago, I started gradually cutting him out of my life, a sort of slow-motion ghosting. Six years ago, I moved to another city. He sought me out before I left and tried to get me to reminisce, but I said I just didn’t feel that close to him anymore. Only after that did I really start to realize how much he’d hurt me.

Two weeks ago he sent me a Facebook message, and I didn’t respond. A week later, he sent a long, accusatory message about how I’d wronged him, how I’d deceived him by “giving up on our dream,” and how cruel I was for cutting him off, then complained he was going through a breakup and the fallout of a DUI. I told him he needed to seek comfort from someone else and that he had belittled me for years, and then I blocked him. I found out that a few days later he attempted suicide, telling his family that I had told him to “fuck off” when he reached out to me for help. A few people have called and asked for my version, and I’ve told them. I don’t even think his version is that far from the truth. I just don’t care. Did I do something unconscionable? Should I have sucked it up and shown more compassion for this person whom, frankly, I have nothing but contempt for?
—Am I Responsible? 

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Re: You Aren't Responsible for Matt

  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Nope, no way. 

  • While it's sad that Matt has deep enough problems he attempted suicide, it's amazing that he is using that as an excuse to STILL try and manipulate the LW.

    LW, this guy is as toxic as ever.  Stay the course of avoiding any contact.
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  • kvrunskvruns member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Bye Felicia (errrr Felipe?)
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yeaahh no.  Matt's got his own issues but what's he (still!) doing to LW is messed up.
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Let's see - DUI, he's not working through the AA steps, he's blaming her for his problems... He makes the choice to do something stupid...  But she's the problem... Nope LW, you are not the problem nor the cause of his need for help and if anything you dodged a big bullet by getting the heck away from him years ago!  LW needs to understand that the person while addicted will do/say things that shift the blame away from themselves.  When he finally does sober up, be prepared for the apology note/contact.  
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Matt is at minimal - abusive.   He may delusional and narcissistic.   But no LW, you're not responsible for his actions. 
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Hmm, when I want to ask someone for help I always start by bringing up all the ways that they suck. 
    It is sad that his issues are so bad that he wants to kill himself, but at the same time he is using that to abuse LW further.  I can understand feeling some guilt for it because that is just human, but it isn't her fault.
  • No, LW. No no no.

    It's sad that Matt's troubles led him to attempt suicide, but he's just trying to abuse you further by blaming you. Don't fall for it.
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