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Wedding Woes

DTMFA (and dear god, do everything to avoid pregnancy)

Dear Prudence,

Over a year ago, my husband and I got pregnant by accident. His teenage daughter was struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, so we chose to end the pregnancy so we could be fully present for her. It ended up not being that simple. The chemical procedure that I could drive myself to didn’t work the way it was supposed to, and my husband had to drive me several hours to a clinic for a D and C. The night before the second procedure, something minor happened to a piece of equipment (bent metal, nothing broken), and he blew up and said he couldn’t take me. Prudie, I was so scared in that moment. I felt so alone and was already struggling with the suspicion that needing the second procedure was a bad sign. He relented and drove me the next morning. We were there all day, and I was drugged out of my skull. The only thing I really remember from the ride home is my husband yelling at me that I needed to stay awake to help him stay awake. I was too out of it to tell him that I couldn’t. I have told him how I felt, and he has told me he was scared he couldn’t stay awake, but he has not acknowledged that it hurt me.

In the year since, I’ve realized I desperately want to be pregnant again and keep the baby, but I’m not sure I want one with my husband. He has said he’d be willing to get pregnant if it matters that much to me, but I want someone who wants to be pregnant with me, not just someone who will tolerate it. Also, we got in a fight recently, and he said he never wanted a baby with me and no man ever would. I’m worried those are his true feelings and they would just come back to bite me if we did get pregnant. I then told him I didn’t want a baby with him. He got horribly hurt and said I was being unfair and not recognizing how hard he tries to make me happy and do what I want. Was I unfair or unreasonable?

—No Baby

Re: DTMFA (and dear god, do everything to avoid pregnancy)

  • If there’s anything I’ve learned from watching my friends it’s that being a single mom by choice with a sperm doner is way less lonely than having a baby with a husband who doesn’t love you and doesn’t want a child with you. 
    I have a friend in the same deal. Idk how she does it .... like she does have friends and her family, but they aren't that close
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    YES!  

    Get out of this now! 

    Also, maybe, just maybe this guy is an asshole and his teenage daughter is a victim of his dickishness.   If this is how he's treating his wife I'd hate to see how he treats his children. 

    You don't need to be in this, find a therapist and see what additional  help you can get for this poor child who is related to this monster.
    short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    There is something about this letter that makes me think the H is feeling guilt(?) over ending the pregnancy, but is not handling it well and taking it out on LW.  Not that it makes it right how the H is treating LW.  But the way he yelled at someone who was obviously still under the effects of anesthesia?  Not normal.

    If LW does not want to stay married, she should leave and be relieved that they don't have to share a child and custody.

    If LW still loves her H and he has actual redeeming qualities, which she never mentions it in her letter at all.  Then I would suggest couples counseling to try and work through their issues.  If there is nothing keeping them together, then its best to part ways.  Find someone who loves you and wants kids.

    short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • I know people can sometimes say and do cruel things that maybe aren't how they usually are as a person.

    But the screaming at her for hours after a medical procedure.  Especially considering she was defenseless because of the medication.  His lackluster desire for a child coupled with his vile comment during an argument.  Too much, LW, too much!

    Follow the red flags and DTMFA.  She even says herself she wants a child, but possibly not with him.  Another clear sign to move on.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    OurWildKingdom
  • You’re not wrong for wanting what you want. You’re not wrong for not wanting to be treated the way he’s treating you. Your husband is wrong for so so many reasons and he’s gaslighting you into thinking that it’s your fault. It’s not. Get out. 
    VarunaTTei34OurWildKingdom
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If DTMFA stands for divorce him immediately then I fully agree with the title.  Poor LW, poor stepdaughter...very sad situation.
    OurWildKingdomMesmrEwe
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    eileenrob said:
    If DTMFA stands for divorce him immediately then I fully agree with the title.  Poor LW, poor stepdaughter...very sad situation.
    Dump the motherfucker already
    OurWildKingdomMesmrEwe
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    DTMFA. You deserve far better. He's a total dick.
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