Monday-ish Tuesday

ei34

How was everyone's MWD?  Mine was nice...grilled some pizzas along with the more standard food...always a hit.  The weather was beautiful.  And now a short week at work

MissKittyDanger

I hear there was some tornadoes in the states - hope no one here was affected. Some ladies in my mom group were in scary spots

BabyKitten is a year
The weather sucks today and possibly this weekend, so we can't even try out the gift we got her. It's a 3 in 1 trike. So now, it's basically a buckle seat with a push handle. Next step is no buckle seat - still push handle. Then full on trike.

Tomorrow is her 12 month appt. I gotta remember to write my questions down before we go.
I have an appt right after her to bring up a few health things. Main thing is that I keep getting sick after having red meat .... no I haven't been bitten by the Lone Star tick lol You'd think so though!

VarunaTT

It was kind of a high/low weekend.  Saturday I wanted to sit on my butt all day, K did not.  I ended up winning, through sheer inertia.  Sunday, we had a pretty bad quarrel again.  I feel like we worked through some of it; it's really coming down to K doesn't actually know how to have a quarrel and has some really bad habits about quarreling and it's causing things that would be just minor quibbling to blow up into something just way bigger than it needs to be.  I am not good at not letting things get under my skin and my urge for the last word is monumental; I feel like the difference here is just some self-awareness and maturity.  We managed to talk through it after I basically refused to engage until we both calmed down and we're both still trying.  (Sidenote:  I know it's weird I say quarrel.  However, I saw a speaker one time who said to start substituting quarrel for fight, b/c you in this situation you love the person and fight has such an ugly connotation, it can be hard to come back from it.  It made sense to me and it does seem to reflect a thing to work through rather than fighting which feels so violent).

I'm not in a great place mentally either, which I'm sure is the cause of some of this, so June can just hurry the eff up and get over.  I've deactivated my FB and am greatly considering deleting it permanently, but there are some things I would need to do first.  I've also started to put some distance between myself and some other places/people that I need to.  I'm terrible about nursing perceived emotional/mental wounds and ruminating on situations, even after I've removed myself from them.  I can recognize the issue, but it's pretty difficult to push that particular fault any faster than it really wants to move.  I've been journaling and it is getting better, but seeing all the Pride related crap on FB is making it up bubble up again, so removing FB for awhile will help and then it'll settle down again.

Monday was nice.  We went to see Detective Pikachu, which I throughly enjoyed as the mindless entertainment it is.  Ryan Reynolds is still smoking hot, even as a getting-older man.  Then did some shopping to prep for camping/float this upcoming weekend.

CharmedPam

Happy 1 year, babykitten! Hope she enjoys the trike!

my weekend was so so.  First of all, my friend whom I met in Gettysburg invited her douchebag boyfriend thus, having no one to look after her dog left at home -45 min away.  So I told her She should just spend Sun night at the hotel and go home to make sure her dog was Ok Sat night.  She also left me alone Sun till 5 pm because she had things to do.  Which was Ok - I went on some tours and walked the town.
I felt alone and I basically could have gone anywhere alone?  But I love Gettysburg and probably still would have went.  Some of our tours sucked.  The b&b is amazing and I had NO idea how I lucked out at the price I got!

the weather was great and nothing indicated canceled flights so I threw my workphone and charger into my checked luggage to make room for 10 of my fave candles on my carry on bag.  I did leave my laptop in carry on though.

we were on the plane when we got notified of our flight being canceled due to weather (tornados).  So I am now stuck in Baltimore (they don’t put you up in a hotel if its weather related) and I thought I could work from the hotel.  Welll my laptop wouldn’t even turn on so I uber’d it to Walmart, got a charger and some things since my luggage made it to Chicago just not me.  Now I’m wfh (working from hotel).  I better not have my 2nd flight canceled! What a weekend!

edit words

MissKittyDanger

@VarunaTT It's pretty normal not to really know how to fight/argue. I learned from Dr Phil {don't laugh!} that as long as you stay on topic, it won't escalate. If another issue comes up, finish the one you have at the moment and then deal with the next one.

Also .... yes to Detective Pikachu and Ryan Reynolds The aging hair really just .... mmmm .... did you see the ending coming? M said he did but close to the end.

Also .... screw Pokemon movies lmao I was thinking "wow first Pokemon movie had Mewtwo also!" then they say the last time Mewtwo was seen was 20yrs ago .... MAKING A DAMN REFERENCE TO THAT FRIGGEN MOVIE

Note: due to this movie, BabyKitten will be dressed as Pikachu for halloween - maybe Detective Pikachu, depends on costumes and sizing

CharmedPam

Sorry about part of your weekend @VarunaTT.  I. Did notice you used the word quarrel and I think I noticed it before and I LIKE it! I’m going to adapt to that too. Who
doesn’t quarrel with their SO, right?  I’m the worst to quarrel with because I can hold grudges until basically... when I wake up again.  I think sleep rests my mood lol.  H on the other hand can be in a bad mood, be silent for a bit and then be OK in an hr or so.  I’m like uh uh.  I’m still mad at you.  And you will KNOW Im still mad at you. 

I think its great to get rid of any negativity.  I was always told though, that facebook is never permanently gone. Just always deactivated.  That may have changed though. Either way -  do what YOU know is right.

STARMOON44

Love the use of quarrel. I also like quibble. 

climbingsingle

Sending you hugs Varuna. 

Weekend was mostly good. BBQ on Saturday, took the boat out Sunday. H lost his wedding ring at the marina Sunday evening, but was able to find it today (his second trip back there). It had fallen underneath the deck! He used a snake and a wire to fish it out. 

I had a few drinks Sunday, and I'm still horribly hungover. I want to die. 

VarunaTT

@MissKittyDanger Yes, the grizzled beard was quite attractive.  Even K, who isn't attracted to masculinity much at all, was like, "Ryan Reynolds is hot AF."  I enjoyed the movie b/c it was just a fun ride, but K grew up with Pokemon and had an absolute blast with it.  They picked up on the 20 years prior reference too and started crying/laughing when Detective Pikachu was singing the Pokemon song all upset.  And BabyKitty as Detective Pikachu will be so completely adorable.  I didn't see the end coming at all, right up until the point that they explain what has happened.  I also adored that between K and the pre-teens sitting behind me, I knew the name of every single Pokemon in the movie by the end.  

It is normal to not know how to argue, it's definitely a learned skill and it's never "I totally have this down now," b/c humans are generally assholes and revert.    And K is getting a lot better.  Part of what I have to remind myself is that this isn't a 16 year old relationship.  I can slide real easy into treating K like exDH and that's not fair or the proper thing to do.  Being human is an exercise in frustration, basically. 

@CharmedPam there's a deactivate and a delete.  And I've found a script that'll go through and permanently and completely delete things.  I've already downloaded all of my info/pics, so it's just taking the plunge.  I have a fake profile out there I can use to find events and event info, which in my reading and experience seems to be the biggest loss.  And I'm going to keep Messenger.  I just hate losing that level of connectivity with some people.  I've always kept my friends number under 200, it's just that some friends overlap with some assholes and I hate seeing the assholes.  

Thanks everyone.  I really do appreciate the good thoughts and vibes, and even commiseration.  It's been a long time since I've been in a young relationship and, let's be honest here, a healthy one.  It can be a head trip, even without my own issues.

mrsconn23

We were supposed to have shit weather this weekend, but it turned out mostly OK.  We got brief monsoon yesterday and then nothing since.  On the far north side of town there were some tornadoes.  My sister's friends who live in Chicago were down here this weekend and got hailed on as soon as they pulled in their drive.  

DH and I have only learned how to quarrel in a more successful way in the last year...really, the last 6 months or so.  Counseling has helped me tremendously, because disengaging is a huge issue for me.  I've been able to see escalation better now and will ask DH that we table it because I can't see us finding a resolution in that moment.  It's hard to do when you're emotional and as stubborn as DH and I can be when we're feeling like the other is not 'on our side'. 

Anyhoo, weekend was OK.  I worked all day Saturday.  We went to my sister's for dinner and hung out with her friends that came down from Chicago (these people are family friends as I've known them most of my life, but they are my sister and BIL's BFF's).   

Sunday, we grilled early because we thought it was going to rain.  After our late lunch, we went to a garden center and bought mulch.  And then we did a little more running around.  DH and I did ground cover and then mulched over a bunch of stuff.  After that we crashed pretty hard while watching the GoT documentary. 

Yesterday, more stuff around the house.  I ran to my sister's for a couple hours to do party planning and send out invites for mom's party.  Our friend came over with his kids for dinner.  

This short week is going to be a long one.  We've got a lot to cram in. 

short+sassy

@VarunaTT, one positive thing I'm seeing in how you describe the way you and K quarrel, is it sounds like you both recognize your own faults in how you quarrel.  And want to work on and fix them so, at least when it happens, it's more fair to both of you and doesn't become a bigger disagreement than it needs to be.  

About a year ago or so, my H and I were sometimes getting into big fights.  Often over the stupidest things that didn't even matter.  We both felt that the other person wasn't listening to us and/or respecting our opinion.  I also have an issue with him interrupting me a lot.  We had a series of discussions about it (still occasionally do)...when we weren't quarreling!...and strategies to improve things.  I hope some of this can be ideas to help you and K.

We came up with a few phrases that either of us can use at any time to end or bring a heated discussion down a few notches.  For stupid, meaningless quarrels, things like, "I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's just agree to disagree."  For more important discussions, things like, "We're getting upset.  Let's calm down.  Please let me finish everything I'm saying.  And then I want to hear how you feel."  Basically, the idea of giving each person a chance to say their peace.  Without interruptions.  While the other person truly listens, instead of thinking about what they want to say next.  Because it's already acknowledged that they will have their turn to do the same.

Those strategies have improved our disagreements immensely.  He's the one more likely than me not to let things go and has to get the last word in.  Now I have been able to completely stop the stupid, meaningless quarrels from escalating, just by telling him I don't want to talk about it anymore.  Let's agree to disagree.  He respects that and will immediately stop the bickering also.  

MissKittyDanger

@VarunaTT We had some young kids beside us singing as well - we sang too lmfao! Ryan Reynolds is appealing to most
I feel like K and I are similar age - I'm 31 for reference.
The 20yr comment gave me a verbal "Nooooo" lol

MissKittyDanger

mrsconn23 said:

DH and I have only learned how to quarrel in a more successful way in the last year...really, the last 6 months or so.  Counseling has helped me tremendously, because disengaging is a huge issue for me.  I've been able to see escalation better now and will ask DH that we table it because I can't see us finding a resolution in that moment.  It's hard to do when you're emotional and as stubborn as DH and I can be when we're feeling like the other is not 'on our side'. 

It's good when you can see that and you can prevent it. Not every way of arguing is gonna work. M and I have been trying to find "better" ways to argue.
I get snarky when I get mad and then he tells me to "get out of his sight" {which makes sense cuz he's mad} but I'm already mad and snarky, so I tell him to 'fuck off, i'm not leaving' out of spite ...

short+sassy

@CharmedPam, hope you're either back home or on your way back home!  So annoying to have to spend extra money on a hotel room.

@climbingwife, that is crazy your H lost his ring and was actually able to find it again!  Wow!  Pretty great.  Hang in there on the hangover.  Sounds like a doozy it is going on Day Two.  Drink lots of water.

Ugh, I am aggravated today with one of my tenants.  Some background.  She's been my tenant for two years.  She has historically been a problem payer and I need to keep a really tight rein on her.  Because once people start slipping too far behind, it can become impossible to catch back up.

The first year, her rent was due on the 10th.  It was bad.  Constant nagging on my part.  Partial payments with the 2nd payment being 2+ weeks late.  Being "short" the same $75-$125 from month-to-month.  She requested a permanent payment split (half due the 10th and half due the 24th) because that would be so much easier for her.  With trepidation and an additional $50/month in rent, I agreed to that.  But I also let her know the "split" was not my preference and the main reason I agreed is I wanted this to fix the habitually late rent problem.

And it worked.  For about 6 months.  And now we're back to her bs games and stories.  She's been $20 short since April 10th.  Add another $55 to that from May 10th.  I texted her a reminder on Friday (May 24th) to include the $75 with her rent payment for the 24th.  No reply until today.  No deposit (she deposits into my bank account).

She sends me a text today that she needs until June 3rd.  Something about the check she usually uses to cover it but the account would not let her do it today.  And "the bank would pay it but it didn't today".  ?????  So I text back for more clarification as to what the problem with the check is.  Why won't the bank cash it until the 3rd?  Or is it that she deposited the check in her account and they put a hold on it?

She replies they won't cash it until 3.  But didn't answer my question as to WHY not.  Because, unless it is postdated (I wasn't going to give her that excuse), banks would never say anything like that.  Either they can cash it.  Or they can't.  Period.

So...hmmm...how do I reply back that "You are a f**king liar.  WTH is really going on?"  But politely and professionally, lol.

Here is my reply:  "But why?  I worked in banking for years. If I know what reason they gave you, I might be able to advise you on processing it sooner."

Her only reply back was, "Ok."  Uh, not really a response.

Whatever.  I'm going to call her tonight.  I'm not even going to grill her about the phantom check that either doesn't exist or there is something else wrong with it that she can't cash it.  I'm assuming she just doesn't have the money, so now I need answers for too many questions to try and do over text.

VarunaTT

@climbingwife AlkaSeltzer, for real.  And if you're having the spins, 1 benadryl with it.  My post divorce diet was based in AlkaSeltzer.

banana468

@short+sassy I agree that the real issue isn't the story.   She's now telling you a story to get that to be the focus rather than the very real problem that the rent isn't on time. 

I'm not sure if you have fees or provisions of what happens if she's late but can you start sending her details/invoices so there's a trail should she need to be evicted?  Obviously evicting is a greater PITA than it can be worth but I guess only you know if this is going into a deep downward spiral or if there's any promise.  But the overall answer she needs to give isn't what happened - it's when she can keep her financial obligation of paying her rent on time.   Take off the tap shoes and just let it out!

Today Chiquita was supposed to try out for soccer but we're due to be hit with some downpours and possible thunder so now the try outs are postponed until the 10th.   

I am crossing my fingers that we're in town for them.   I told DH today that I know if we need to travel it's clear that we can't miss a funeral for soccer try outs.   But I know that so much of Chiquita's new desire to be on this team is now hinging on her assignment and we just hope that the coaches are understanding that if we need to travel out of state for a family funeral that there isn't a punishment - especially when she just wants to be on the rec league. 

We are also now on day 2 of DH's 8 week elimination diet.  He's now eating a low FODMAP diet and it's going to be interesting to see what we can eat together or in combination.   The list of what he is not allowed to have is LONG but the goal is to feel better and I'll cook anything if it makes his digestion improve.

ILoveBeachMusic

Hope the new diet helps your husband's digestion issues, @banana468. @short+sassy that's crazy! After hearing all your issues with tenants, I don't think I could ever be a landlord. Hope you're home by the time you read this, @CharmedPam.

I've been straightening up the house today and listing stuff on FB garage sale sites. Looks like we have the car top carrier sold- so that will be out of the garage. I have had people interested in other stuff, but after I told them it was still available no response from them. Ugh! We are meeting with the realtor tomorrow to see how much we could expect to get for our house and what all we need to do to be listing ready. I found another house I want to look at, but it is further away then the one we saw on Saturday. However, the one we saw on Saturday needs some work while the other is just about turn key! If only I could shrink the size of my yard and flower beds! We did get estimates for year round yard care, but it was pretty high. I need to get another estimate from a friend's yard care people. I know this is totally FWP!

MissKittyDanger

@short+sassy  You're really coming in with that TK nickname But really, sounds like she's diverting from the real issue. Hopefully this is resolved asap  

short+sassy

@banana468, I do have a $25 late fee for every 5 days a portion of her rent is late.  Though I'm not draconian with it.  For example, I only charged one late fee for the 6 weeks she has been short 20 bucks and the two weeks she has been short the other $55.  I'll charge a second late fee if she doesn't pay by tomorrow.

I could actually file for an eviction whenever I want, at this point.  But, yes, it is a hassle and costs about $200.  The bigger problem is it's 2-4 weeks for a hearing and tenants are most likely to just stay and not pay, once a court date is set.

So that is the tightrope.  She has always paid eventually and has had a much better track record over the last year.  As such, I'm more inclined to give her until June 3rd.  But I want to actually talk to her and find out if she can pay something this week.  Will she be paying the full amount due by June 3rd.  And what happens one week later (June 10th).  When her next rent payment is due again.  Along with a warning/reminder that I will be filing for an eviction on June 4th, if the monies are not received.

That's the other thing about her.  She goes in cycles, almost like a naughty child.  She starts falling backwards.  I need to be stern and wag my finger at her.  She gets better for awhile because "I'm serious now".  And then she starts falling into bad habits again.  FTR, I'm always serious, albeit with some latitude.  She just forgets it, lol.

I've even occasionally had CTJ talks with her and may have one again.  That, if the rent no longer fits comfortably in her budget, we can talk about a move-out plan.  It's my way of throwing a little bit of rope that, if someone is falling deeper, let's stop the bleeding and get them out of a situation that isn't working for either of us.  I can't do a lot.  But I can waive the 30-day notice and promise them their security deposit on move-out day (assuming no damages).

Of course I can (and have) given problem rent payers a 30-Day Notice to Vacate.  But I prefer they either shape-up after the CTJ talk or come to the conclusion on their own that it is time to move on.

short+sassy

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Hope the new diet helps your husband's digestion issues, @banana468. @short+sassy that's crazy! After hearing all your issues with tenants, I don't think I could ever be a landlord. Hope you're home by the time you read this, @CharmedPam.

I've been straightening up the house today and listing stuff on FB garage sale sites. Looks like we have the car top carrier sold- so that will be out of the garage. I have had people interested in other stuff, but after I told them it was still available no response from them. Ugh! We are meeting with the realtor tomorrow to see how much we could expect to get for our house and what all we need to do to be listing ready. I found another house I want to look at, but it is further away then the one we saw on Saturday. However, the one we saw on Saturday needs some work while the other is just about turn key! If only I could shrink the size of my yard and flower beds! We did get estimates for year round yard care, but it was pretty high. I need to get another estimate from a friend's yard care people. I know this is totally FWP!

That's only because there is nothing to say/vent about the good tenants, lol.  Which are most of them.  They pay the rent on time.  Don't need anything. And I'll go months without even talking to them.  The "work" is checking my account their deposit was made or taking their checks/money orders to the bank.  And also paying bills related to the properties (insurance, property taxes, loans).  The first part is a lot more fun, lol.

It's definitely not for everyone, though.  It's working with and dealing with people, which can often be a challenge.

OurWildKingdom

We got some thunderstorms but nothing major. Mutt hates the thunder though. We decided to stay home tonight to reassure him that he’ll be OK.

I was expecting a lot of nonsense at work today, but it was no worse than a normal weekend. I managed to get most of my work done despite having to put out fires.