Wedding Woes

This is so sad.

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I are in our early 20s and have one son together. My husband’s 15-year-old sister met a stranger online and ran away for a year. No one knew where she was, and it killed her mother. She came back pregnant, refused to talk about what had happened, and killed herself a few months after her son was born. There was no note. We took the baby in because my father-in-law barely was keeping it together for his 12-year-old son. My husband stood like a rock through everything, but in private, he breaks down and blames himself. He has insomnia and gray streaks in his hair. He and his family have had limited counseling.

I have been standing by and taking care of my son and nephew. I am a failure. I have no bond with my nephew. Every bit of his care is routine: He cries, I feed him; he poops, I change him. He is a fussy, fidgety child, while my son is easy. It has been nine months since the funeral, and I feel nothing but guilt and resentment. No joy, no love, just grim duty. I hate myself. I try to treat both boys the same. I even time myself to make sure I am not neglecting my nephew, but I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I am terrified of telling my husband because it might break him. He has lost so much in the past two years. There was no one else to take the baby, so we had to. What do I do?

—Overwhelmed and Resentful

Re: This is so sad.

  • Wow, that is insanely heartbreaking on all sides. 
  • More counseling. For everyone.

    And maybe hire help if you can afford it until you are in a better place.  Or reach out to friends, neighbors, church members, mommy groups, etc to see if you can break up the routine/ get help.
  • I don’t know much about children - but is there a possibility all the fussiness can go away and when her nephew  is older she may get that bond?

    heartbreaking for sure though. 

  • You all, including your nephew, have experienced significant trauma. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. 

    I’d recommend talking with your doctor and/or a counselor right away. 
  • Agreed with counseling. 

    There is a part of me that wonders if the husband is wrapped up in taking care of the dad and brother, which is leaving LW to manage the babies.  I'm not saying the H is wrong for being preoccupied, but LW needs to be able to tell her H that she feels like she's drowning with her new reality.  I don't think she needs to be as stark as, "I'm not bonded with nephew and I don't think I ever will", however I think she can talk about her feelings and particularly that she feels as if she's 'failing' (when really, she's flailing...which is totally to be expected and I cannot imagine how you could feel you have it together under the circumstances).   

    She's not wrong in how she feels, full stop.  And I totally understand not wanting to dump shit on top of shit, but she has to ask for help.  
  • This is just all sad.
    Grief counseling, but also maybe talk to a dr about help in general. I feel foster or adoptive parents would get help creating that bond/connection.

    Tbh even when I thought the PPD wore off, I often felt like there was a disconnect with my daughter and I. It wasn't until I dealt with my own issues, could I adjust our connection.
  • banana468 said:
    Counseling.   Grief counseling, family counseling and evaluation for the baby if not already done.    What a horrible situation.   Of course she's overwhelmed - she has to be the rock to everyone else.   
    Made me think .... I wonder if baby is fussy because they know the mother isn't around?
    Evaluation is a good idea. Given back story, maybe baby has a need that's not known?
  • banana468 said:
    Counseling.   Grief counseling, family counseling and evaluation for the baby if not already done.    What a horrible situation.   Of course she's overwhelmed - she has to be the rock to everyone else.   
    Made me think .... I wonder if baby is fussy because they know the mother isn't around?
    Evaluation is a good idea. Given back story, maybe baby has a need that's not known?
    I would be concerned for the child medically and socially.

    -Did sis get adequate prenatal care? 
    -Did she have an appropriate prenatal diet? 
    -My guess is that if this suicide occurred shortly after childbirth that the sister was already troubled and the hormonal upheaval that is the postpartum period was only made worse.   This may also mean that the child could be showing signs of neglect.   I don't know nearly enough about how this is seen in an infant but I would GET ON THIS now.   


  • I always know it is going to be a doozy when @mrsconn23 has a word like "sad" in the title!

    Definitely more counseling for everyone.  There is so much more tragedy and heartbreak than a few words in an advice column can help with.

    I also agree that it sounds like she's the one who's been primarily taking care of two babies/toddlers.  That's a lot to take on even in the best of circumstances!  I hate that despite her super-human efforts, the LW feels so guilt-ridden and like a failure because she's not connecting with her nephew.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I always know it is going to be a doozy when @mrsconn23 has a word like "sad" in the title!

    Definitely more counseling for everyone.  There is so much more tragedy and heartbreak than a few words in an advice column can help with.

    I also agree that it sounds like she's the one who's been primarily taking care of two babies/toddlers.  That's a lot to take on even in the best of circumstances!  I hate that despite her super-human efforts, the LW feels so guilt-ridden and like a failure because she's not connecting with her nephew.
    She may also need her own set of medication!  No idea of the age of the son but this is SO MUCH on her shoulders.    
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    Counseling.   Grief counseling, family counseling and evaluation for the baby if not already done.    What a horrible situation.   Of course she's overwhelmed - she has to be the rock to everyone else.   
    Made me think .... I wonder if baby is fussy because they know the mother isn't around?
    Evaluation is a good idea. Given back story, maybe baby has a need that's not known?
    I would be concerned for the child medically and socially.

    -Did sis get adequate prenatal care? 
    -Did she have an appropriate prenatal diet? 
    -My guess is that if this suicide occurred shortly after childbirth that the sister was already troubled and the hormonal upheaval that is the postpartum period was only made worse.   This may also mean that the child could be showing signs of neglect.   I don't know nearly enough about how this is seen in an infant but I would GET ON THIS now.   
    The other thing is unknown is drug use.
    Could this baby have been hooked on drugs without hospital knowledge? :\ 
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    Counseling.   Grief counseling, family counseling and evaluation for the baby if not already done.    What a horrible situation.   Of course she's overwhelmed - she has to be the rock to everyone else.   
    Made me think .... I wonder if baby is fussy because they know the mother isn't around?
    Evaluation is a good idea. Given back story, maybe baby has a need that's not known?
    I would be concerned for the child medically and socially.

    -Did sis get adequate prenatal care? 
    -Did she have an appropriate prenatal diet? 
    -My guess is that if this suicide occurred shortly after childbirth that the sister was already troubled and the hormonal upheaval that is the postpartum period was only made worse.   This may also mean that the child could be showing signs of neglect.   I don't know nearly enough about how this is seen in an infant but I would GET ON THIS now.   
    The other thing is unknown is drug use.
    Could this baby have been hooked on drugs without hospital knowledge? :\ 
    It would be too late to know now so kind of irrelevant. 

    LO may be fussy but it could be colic and not anything more complicated. Or maybe reverse. All we know is that LW is drowning and needs help. They need to reach out, to anyone, to connect with the nephew to give them a break. Maybe not "take the baby" forever but sit with him a bit. Or sit with their son so they can get 1on1 time with nephew in a new, fun environment. 
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    Counseling.   Grief counseling, family counseling and evaluation for the baby if not already done.    What a horrible situation.   Of course she's overwhelmed - she has to be the rock to everyone else.   
    Made me think .... I wonder if baby is fussy because they know the mother isn't around?
    Evaluation is a good idea. Given back story, maybe baby has a need that's not known?
    I would be concerned for the child medically and socially.

    -Did sis get adequate prenatal care? 
    -Did she have an appropriate prenatal diet? 
    -My guess is that if this suicide occurred shortly after childbirth that the sister was already troubled and the hormonal upheaval that is the postpartum period was only made worse.   This may also mean that the child could be showing signs of neglect.   I don't know nearly enough about how this is seen in an infant but I would GET ON THIS now.   
    The other thing is unknown is drug use.
    Could this baby have been hooked on drugs without hospital knowledge? :\ 

    I don't know enough about evaluations of a baby at birth but if there was a major addition then I am thinking there would be signs of withdrawal in the baby.   If this child was born in a US hospital then a pediatrician would have examined the child.   But if mom was not doing well at caring for baby there's probably a variety of issues with this wee one. 
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