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Wedding Woes

"I was trying to be nice in letting you pick"

edited July 19 in Wedding Woes
A friend of mine is getting married soon, and I have some difficult decisions to make regarding the various invitations to her wedding and the events surrounding it. There is some history here, so I hope some of you will take the time to read it and weigh in on the best way to respond.

This friend and I met about 8-9 years ago, and had been pretty close for a few years. At one point, I introduced her to an ex-girlfriend of mine that I had gotten back in touch with because I thought she would be a fun addition to the group. Unfortunately, and very naively on my part, the ex-girlfriend still had some aspirations for a romantic relationship with me. When I realized this and turned her down, she decided to f--- with my friend and I. The ex told me that she really couldn't hang out with me anymore because it was making her current girlfriend jealous. Then, she proceeded to schedule as much time as possible with my new friend as a way to squeeze me out. My friend is the type of person who LOVES attention, and my ex was lavishing it on her. so it was really hard for my friend to see the manipulation that was going on, and that my ex was basically using her newfound friendship to hurt me. I was really hurt that my friend didn't have more loyalty to me and see through this. She had only known my ex for a couple months at this point, yet we had been friends for years.

Anyway, I know that's just how she is and how hard it is for her to turn down attention, so we eventually worked it out and she is able to maintain a friendship with my ex separately, and my ex and I just avoided eachother in social situations where the other would be there. This was the first conflict, but the worst was yet to come.

A few years ago, I was the IT manager of our local public library and needed to hire an assistant. Our administration was terrible at recruiting and did a crap job advertising the position. I sent a shout-out to friends and family asking if they knew anyone qualified to send their applications in. Well, my friend's sister's boyfriend was just such a person. He applied, and we interviewed him, and he actually ended up being the best candidate. With some hesitation, we hired him. The hesitation was not because of his skills, but because of the personal connection. I didn't really have a relationship with him or his girlfriend (my friend's sister), but I did know them both as we had run into eachother during social situations, etc. Anyway, I did walk into it with eyes wide open, and accepted the risks.

Unfortunately, as you can probably guess, that gamble didn't go well for me. After about a year and a half of him working for me, the boyfriend did something that resulted in his swift termination. The police even had to conduct an investigation, though he was never charged with anything. He was also banned from setting foot in the library. What happened is really, really bad. However, my employer and our attourney have ordered me to stay silent on this issue. This has been one of the most agonizing personal dilemmas I've had to deal with in my life. During his time employed with us, he got engaged to my friend's sister. I really, really wanted her to know the full details of what happened as I feel it is in her best interest, but of course I had been ordered not to speak about it. The less-than-satisfactory solution that I settled on was that I would reach out to her, let her know I was worried about her, and that if she ever wanted more information, she should talk to me. If she approached me, I would have made available to her some public records I knew of that would give her a clue about what happened. I let my friend and some other mutual friends know that I could point the sister towards those public records. The sister never, ever approached me, and from what I understand, hates my guts. My understanding is that the fiance did not give anyone the full details. They got married a few years later. To this day I struggle with how this went down. I have a lot of guilt, but I'm not sure what I would do differently. I still don't know if they even know the police were involved.

This all happened about 4-5 years ago. Now, my friend is engaged and getting married soon. A few months ago, she asked me to pick and choose which pre-wedding functions I wanted to go to so that she could invite me to some and my ex-girlfriend to others. First of all I don't give a shit if the ex is there, I can deal with her for a day. But I was a little offended that this was my friend's approach. I tried to be gracious about it and reassured her she should just invite me to whatever she wished to invite me to, and that there was no expectation or any hard feelings if she didn't invite me to something. I don't think she liked this answer.

About a week ago, I received an invitation to her bridal shower. It is being hosted by her sister, who despises me for firing her husband, and whom I feel incredibly uncomfortable around. Her husband will probably be there as well, whom I truly feel unable to be in the same room as.

I had not RSVP'd yet because I've been agonizing over it, but also because it is super unclear whom I'm supposed to RSVP to. It says it is hosted by her best friend and her sister, but the only contact information given anywhere on the invitation is her father on the return address of the envelope. My RSVP is due in 1 week, so I knew I needed to shit or get off the pot.

However, last night, she sent me this text: "To be clear I do not want you to skip all of the events surrounding my wedding, in fact that would be very hurtful to me. I was trying to be nice earlier in letting you pick. Clearly there was a misunderstanding so i wanted to speak over the phone but we are running out of time."

This "running out of time" made me realize she is planning on sending a 2nd round of invitations, probably including my ex-girlfriend. OOPS! Today I just texted her back -- super tacky RSVP I know, but I figured speed was of the essence - "No misunderstanding! I apologize, I didn't realize that my RSVP would affect the other invitations being sent out. I wasn't sure who to RSVP to, but I do apologize that I didn't follow up on this sooner. I will regrettably not be able to attend. Please go ahead and send any other invitations out that you need to."

The course of action I was leaning towards was to decline to attend, but send her a nice card and a generous shower gift. But now she is guilting me about not attending, which is worrisome, because honestly I had also planned not to attend her wedding either. The way I explained it to her a few years ago, was that I was sorry I had come into so much conflict with other people that she was close to, and that I understood the awkward place this put her in, and that I would be the one to defer. The guy I fired is part of her family now. I have no interest in trying to compete with that, or with making anything weird.

But she doesn't seem to get this. I still want to be her friend, and am happy to visit with her, but have to avoid this guy for my own mental health, and his wife/her sister to a lesser degree. Though I'm not sure I've ever laid it out for her that explicitly. Should I?

I know she's made a few faux paus and approached the invite thing with quite a bit of rudeness (and I didn't handle the RSVP very well, I should have just sent to her father?), but I'm not as worried about correct etiquette here, I just want to make sure I handle this the best way I can, and salvage at least some amicability between us if possible. She moved a few hours away a few years ago, so we see eachother much less often now anyway, so I need to tread carefully.

Also, fun tidbit: the theme of the shower is "Tacky." Tackiest dresser wins a prize. I'm not kidding. As I'm sure you can guess, cash bar. At least she is self-aware? ;)

Re: "I was trying to be nice in letting you pick"

  • A friend of mine is getting married soon, and I have some difficult decisions to make regarding the various invitations to her wedding and the events surrounding it. There is some history here, so I hope some of you will take the time to read it and weigh in on the best way to respond.

    This friend and I met about 8-9 years ago, and had been pretty close for a few years. At one point, I introduced her to an ex-girlfriend of mine that I had gotten back in touch with because I thought she would be a fun addition to the group. Unfortunately, and very naively on my part, the ex-girlfriend still had some aspirations for a romantic relationship with me. When I realized this and turned her down, she decided to f--- with my friend and I. The ex told me that she really couldn't hang out with me anymore because it was making her current girlfriend jealous. Then, she proceeded to schedule as much time as possible with my new friend as a way to squeeze me out. My friend is the type of person who LOVES attention, and my ex was lavishing it on her. so it was really hard for my friend to see the manipulation that was going on, and that my ex was basically using her newfound friendship to hurt me. I was really hurt that my friend didn't have more loyalty to me and see through this. She had only known my ex for a couple months at this point, yet we had been friends for years.

    Anyway, I know that's just how she is and how hard it is for her to turn down attention, so we eventually worked it out and she is able to maintain a friendship with my ex separately, and my ex and I just avoided eachother in social situations where the other would be there. This was the first conflict, but the worst was yet to come.

    A few years ago, I was the IT manager of our local public library and needed to hire an assistant. Our administration was terrible at recruiting and did a crap job advertising the position. I sent a shout-out to friends and family asking if they knew anyone qualified to send their applications in. Well, my friend's sister's boyfriend was just such a person. He applied, and we interviewed him, and he actually ended up being the best candidate. With some hesitation, we hired him. The hesitation was not because of his skills, but because of the personal connection. I didn't really have a relationship with him or his girlfriend (my friend's sister), but I did know them both as we had run into eachother during social situations, etc. Anyway, I did walk into it with eyes wide open, and accepted the risks.

    Unfortunately, as you can probably guess, that gamble didn't go well for me. After about a year and a half of him working for me, the boyfriend did something that resulted in his swift termination. The police even had to conduct an investigation, though he was never charged with anything. He was also banned from setting foot in the library. What happened is really, really bad. However, my employer and our attourney have ordered me to stay silent on this issue. This has been one of the most agonizing personal dilemmas I've had to deal with in my life. During his time employed with us, he got engaged to my friend's sister. I really, really wanted her to know the full details of what happened as I feel it is in her best interest, but of course I had been ordered not to speak about it. The less-than-satisfactory solution that I settled on was that I would reach out to her, let her know I was worried about her, and that if she ever wanted more information, she should talk to me. If she approached me, I would have made available to her some public records I knew of that would give her a clue about what happened. I let my friend and some other mutual friends know that I could point the sister towards those public records. The sister never, ever approached me, and from what I understand, hates my guts. My understanding is that the fiance did not give anyone the full details. They got married a few years later. To this day I struggle with how this went down. I have a lot of guilt, but I'm not sure what I would do differently. I still don't know if they even know the police were involved.

    This all happened about 4-5 years ago. Now, my friend is engaged and getting married soon. A few months ago, she asked me to pick and choose which pre-wedding functions I wanted to go to so that she could invite me to some and my ex-girlfriend to others. First of all I don't give a shit if the ex is there, I can deal with her for a day. But I was a little offended that this was my friend's approach. I tried to be gracious about it and reassured her she should just invite me to whatever she wished to invite me to, and that there was no expectation or any hard feelings if she didn't invite me to something. I don't think she liked this answer.

    About a week ago, I received an invitation to her bridal shower. It is being hosted by her sister, who despises me for firing her husband, and whom I feel incredibly uncomfortable around. Her husband will probably be there as well, whom I truly feel unable to be in the same room as.

    I had not RSVP'd yet because I've been agonizing over it, but also because it is super unclear whom I'm supposed to RSVP to. It says it is hosted by her best friend and her sister, but the only contact information given anywhere on the invitation is her father on the return address of the envelope. My RSVP is due in 1 week, so I knew I needed to shit or get off the pot.

    However, last night, she sent me this text: "To be clear I do not want you to skip all of the events surrounding my wedding, in fact that would be very hurtful to me. I was trying to be nice earlier in letting you pick. Clearly there was a misunderstanding so i wanted to speak over the phone but we are running out of time."

    This "running out of time" made me realize she is planning on sending a 2nd round of invitations, probably including my ex-girlfriend. OOPS! Today I just texted her back -- super tacky RSVP I know, but I figured speed was of the essence - "No misunderstanding! I apologize, I didn't realize that my RSVP would affect the other invitations being sent out. I wasn't sure who to RSVP to, but I do apologize that I didn't follow up on this sooner. I will regrettably not be able to attend. Please go ahead and send any other invitations out that you need to."

    The course of action I was leaning towards was to decline to attend, but send her a nice card and a generous shower gift. But now she is guilting me about not attending, which is worrisome, because honestly I had also planned not to attend her wedding either. The way I explained it to her a few years ago, was that I was sorry I had come into so much conflict with other people that she was close to, and that I understood the awkward place this put her in, and that I would be the one to defer. The guy I fired is part of her family now. I have no interest in trying to compete with that, or with making anything weird.

    But she doesn't seem to get this. I still want to be her friend, and am happy to visit with her, but have to avoid this guy for my own mental health, and his wife/her sister to a lesser degree. Though I'm not sure I've ever laid it out for her that explicitly. Should I?

    I know she's made a few faux paus and approached the invite thing with quite a bit of rudeness (and I didn't handle the RSVP very well, I should have just sent to her father?), but I'm not as worried about correct etiquette here, I just want to make sure I handle this the best way I can, and salvage at least some amicability between us if possible. She moved a few hours away a few years ago, so we see eachother much less often now anyway, so I need to tread carefully.

    Also, fun tidbit: the theme of the shower is "Tacky." Tackiest dresser wins a prize. I'm not kidding. As I'm sure you can guess, cash bar. At least she is self-aware? ;)

    Yes, you should talk to your friend about your concerns.  


     How many people are invited to the wedding? If it is big enough, you might be able to avoid them all night. Maybe you can bring someone to act as a social shield. 


  • Well she just responded that all invites have been sent and my response wasn't holding things up, so I guess I totally misjudged that. I responded that I was glad to hear it, and that I hoped we could talk soon to clear up any other misunderstandings. 

    I guess the thing that I'm not sure about... is that I really just don't want to go to her wedding. I might be able to avoid her sister and husband, but I'm not really willing to bet on that. It just sounds like a miserable evening to me. 

    Has anyone else dealt with something like this? I know she will be hurt that I don't want to go, but it's not because I don't care about her. Am I not being honest with myself? Am I being a shithead for wanting to decline the invite in order to avoid them?
  • Well she just responded that all invites have been sent and my response wasn't holding things up, so I guess I totally misjudged that. I responded that I was glad to hear it, and that I hoped we could talk soon to clear up any other misunderstandings. 

    I guess the thing that I'm not sure about... is that I really just don't want to go to her wedding. I might be able to avoid her sister and husband, but I'm not really willing to bet on that. It just sounds like a miserable evening to me. 

    Has anyone else dealt with something like this? I know she will be hurt that I don't want to go, but it's not because I don't care about her. Am I not being honest with myself? Am I being a shithead for wanting to decline the invite in order to avoid them?
    You just have to make a choice. Possibly have a miserable evening or possibly hurt your friend. You don’t have to go, just not wanting to is a fine reason to decline. 
    charlotte989875STARMOON44
  • You don’t have to go to the shower or the wedding if you don’t want. You say you still want to be her friend but you’re also skipping a pretty big life event because you don’t want to be in the same room as someone else. If whatever happened is big enough that you would skip her wedding for I think you should explain to her why. You don’t actually owe anyone an explanation for not attending but if you’re looking to maintain a relationship with her, and this situation with her BIL is impeding that, then I think you need to explain. 

    Also it sounds like you’re reading a lot into the actions surrounding her intentions (the invitations) and I think that’s a little unfair. She’s invited you so clearly she wants you there. It’s up to you to decide if that is something you want to do. 
    MyNameIsNotSTARMOON44short+sassy
  • Suck it up and go to the wedding - the larger event where you will likely not run into the other people. If you do be polite and move on. It's not that big of a deal. She is your friend and you say you care and this is a big day for her. 

    Also - totally weird you jumped to the conclusion she was b-listing shower invites. 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think if you feel strongly about this enough to skip the shower AND her wedding, it might be time to let the friendship go. 

    MyNameIsNotVarunaTTcharlotte989875
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Is the wedding local?  You could show your friendship by attending the wedding ceremony and decline the reception. 
    I'm the type of person that,  if I really do not want to attend something,  I don't.  You have said OUTLOUD you will be miserable, so there seems no point in attending.  I am also not on board with necessarily explaining the reasons behind not attending. There might be a time and place after the wedding to get together for a talk.
    I would decline and hope there is a future opportunity to get together.
    MesmrEwe
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I find it so bizarre that you reached out to the sister to tell her you were worried about something, but didn't tell her what because you weren't in a position to talk about it. It just seems like such a strange way to deal with that. No surprise that she didn't talk to you and doesn't care for you now.

    Regardless, I'm with PP who suggested this relationship may have run its course. It sounds like there is so much drama around wanting to be friends with this woman, but you're not too keen on just talking to her about it. Maybe it's best to just move on with your life. 
    VarunaTTSTARMOON44
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    This is just a ton of history surrounding this friendship and it seems that a lot of it is pretty negative.  I'd decline anything surrounding the wedding, go to the wedding itself and make an appearance at the reception for the beginning stuffs, and then leave. 

    I'd probably also let the friendship go.  When it's this hard to be friends, and when you carry a lot of negativity about a person, it's best to just stop trying.
    MyNameIsNotSTARMOON44
  • All of this spelled out tells me this isn't a friendship that should be saved.   
    MissKittyDangerSTARMOON44
  • You rarely see her, she hasn’t been a good friend to you, and you don’t like being around the people she socializes with. RSVP no promptly, send a gift and a card, accept that this isn’t a viable friendship. And next time you’re instructed not to share something by your employer, just listen instead of inserting yourself into a situation with cryptic hints. 
    All of this too.   You're not doing your employment favors by wearing that pair of tap shoes.
    charlotte989875mrsconn23MesmrEwe
  • banana468 said:
    You rarely see her, she hasn’t been a good friend to you, and you don’t like being around the people she socializes with. RSVP no promptly, send a gift and a card, accept that this isn’t a viable friendship. And next time you’re instructed not to share something by your employer, just listen instead of inserting yourself into a situation with cryptic hints. 
    All of this too.   You're not doing your employment favors by wearing that pair of tap shoes.
    Also if an attorney told you to keep your mouth shut, not just management, you could be opening yourself up to legal troubles of your own if the trail of information leads back to you.  If you signed anything, you may want to read it over.  
    charlotte989875short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think you are pretty self-aware so that is a good start.  I will echo PPs about being honest with yourself that you don't want to go and then making a choice about whether the friendship is worth leaving behind if you decline the invite.

    I will say, I hate my SIL's bf.  HATE him.  He said some cruel things to me the first time I met him and I can't get over my feelings for him.  I try to avoid him at every turn.  They just moved in together.  I assume they may be moving towards marriage.  While I won't attend any other parties where he is in attendance, I assume I will have to suck it up and go to their wedding, even though I hate him.  Can you go to the ceremony, stick around for dinner, and skip out early?  

  • You rarely see her, she hasn’t been a good friend to you, and you don’t like being around the people she socializes with. RSVP no promptly, send a gift and a card, accept that this isn’t a viable friendship. And next time you’re instructed not to share something by your employer, just listen instead of inserting yourself into a situation with cryptic hints. 
    I have to agree. It sounds like going to the wedding or any of the related events is going to cause you a great deal of stress. For a really good friend that you felt very close to, it might be worth it, but that just doesn't sound like the case here. Your history with this friend didn't sound very healthy even before I got to reading about the whole thing with her sister's husband. I think you may just have to accept that this friendship can't be saved and let it fade out.
    image
  • edited July 19
    To those of you suggesting this may not be a friendship worth saving, you have read well between the lines. I AM at the point that if this doesn't work out, I'm ready to let it go. However, we were very close for a time, and we still have a special bond that I really would like to honor if possible. In some ways she wasn't a good friend, but in others she has been the best friend I've ever had. But yes, I only told you all the most significant parts of our history (that was plenty, right? lol), there are a few other aspects of the relationship that have worn it down a bit. I guess this is my last ditch effort.
    Also - totally weird you jumped to the conclusion she was b-listing shower invites. 
    Without any other context I see how this would seem weird. If you knew her like I did, you would understand how I made that jump. It's not that unreasonable, but you are right, I did indeed make an unjustified conclusion. That just reinforced that I need to just talk to her about all this.
    And next time you’re instructed not to share something by your employer, just listen instead of inserting yourself into a situation with cryptic hints.
    If I shared the secret I'm keeping, half this board would pillory me for not bucking my employer and telling the sister anyway. There is a co-worker who does have knowledge of this situation, that actually HAS been critical of me not telling the sister. It has the potential to ruin lives, and that is in no way an exaggeration or me being dramatic. The scary/unbelievable coincidence is, I've actually had a secret extremely similar to this once before, and it resulted in 1 ruined life, and 2 life-sentences that are still being served. So it's a nightmare that it's happening again. I'm carrying a shit-ton of guilt for keeping this secret. There are more ways to measure an ethical choice than if you are simply following the instructions of an employer or opening oneself up to a lawsuit, and believe me, I have been VERY aware of that possibility. It might not have been your choice to risk going afoul of an employer or legal advice, but it was mine, and I did it with my eyes wide open. Besides, I clarified with my employer the communication I had later on, which they weren't thrilled about, but understood and appreciated my telling them. I'm still employed and advancing within the organization. Without my being able to give you more details, this part of the story probably isn't a fruitful debate, so I'd prefer not to go further down this path.

    Anyway, I really appreciate everyone's advice, there were some things here that I think I knew deep down but needed to see in black and white. And those things were echoed many times in the responses. I'm going to call her this evening and make it very clear how I feel about being around her BIL, but that I really value her as a friend, and she can either accept that or not. It may be the end of the friendship, but as several others have echoed, that may not be the end of the world. Part of me accepted this as a possible eventuality when I fired (hired?) BIL, anyway.

    Thanks again. In case anyone is interested I'll update later.
  • To those of you suggesting this may not be a friendship worth saving, you have read well between the lines. I AM at the point that if this doesn't work out, I'm ready to let it go. However, we were very close for a time, and we still have a special bond that I really would like to honor if possible. In some ways she wasn't a good friend, but in others she has been the best friend I've ever had. But yes, I only told you all the most significant parts of our history (that was plenty, right? lol), there are a few other aspects of the relationship that have worn it down a bit. I guess this is my last ditch effort.
    Also - totally weird you jumped to the conclusion she was b-listing shower invites. 
    Without any other context I see how this would seem weird. If you knew her like I did, you would understand how I made that jump. It's not that unreasonable, but you are right, I did indeed make an unjustified conclusion. That just reinforced that I need to just talk to her about all this.
    And next time you’re instructed not to share something by your employer, just listen instead of inserting yourself into a situation with cryptic hints.
    If I shared the secret I'm keeping, half this board would pillory me for not bucking my employer and telling the sister anyway. There is a co-worker who does have knowledge of this situation, that actually HAS been critical of me not telling the sister. It has the potential to ruin lives, and that is in no way an exaggeration or me being dramatic. The scary/unbelievable coincidence is, I've actually had a secret extremely similar to this once before, and it resulted in 1 ruined life, and 2 life-sentences that are still being served. So it's a nightmare that it's happening again. I'm carrying a shit-ton of guilt for keeping this secret. There are more ways to measure an ethical choice than if you are simply following the instructions of an employer or opening oneself up to a lawsuit, and believe me, I have been VERY aware of that possibility. It might not have been your choice to risk going afoul of an employer or legal advice, but it was mine, and I did it with my eyes wide open. Besides, I clarified with my employer the communication I had later on, which they weren't thrilled about, but understood and appreciated my telling them. I'm still employed and advancing within the organization. Without my being able to give you more details, this part of the story probably isn't a fruitful debate, so I'd prefer not to go further down this path.

    Anyway, I really appreciate everyone's advice, there were some things here that I think I knew deep down but needed to see in black and white. And those things were echoed many times in the responses. I'm going to call her this evening and make it very clear how I feel about being around her BIL, but that I really value her as a friend, and she can either accept that or not. It may be the end of the friendship, but as several others have echoed, that may not be the end of the world. Part of me accepted this as a possible eventuality when I fired (hired?) BIL, anyway.

    Thanks again. In case anyone is interested I'll update later.
    Lord above fine then. Don’t bother asking the Internet for advice if you’re going to get this worked up about it. 
    MyNameIsNot
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Wow, thanks for coming back for the update.  I am glad that your friend understood you.  

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    To those of you suggesting this may not be a friendship worth saving, you have read well between the lines. I AM at the point that if this doesn't work out, I'm ready to let it go. However, we were very close for a time, and we still have a special bond that I really would like to honor if possible. In some ways she wasn't a good friend, but in others she has been the best friend I've ever had. But yes, I only told you all the most significant parts of our history (that was plenty, right? lol), there are a few other aspects of the relationship that have worn it down a bit. I guess this is my last ditch effort.
    Also - totally weird you jumped to the conclusion she was b-listing shower invites. 
    Without any other context I see how this would seem weird. If you knew her like I did, you would understand how I made that jump. It's not that unreasonable, but you are right, I did indeed make an unjustified conclusion. That just reinforced that I need to just talk to her about all this.
    And next time you’re instructed not to share something by your employer, just listen instead of inserting yourself into a situation with cryptic hints.
    If I shared the secret I'm keeping, half this board would pillory me for not bucking my employer and telling the sister anyway. There is a co-worker who does have knowledge of this situation, that actually HAS been critical of me not telling the sister. It has the potential to ruin lives, and that is in no way an exaggeration or me being dramatic. The scary/unbelievable coincidence is, I've actually had a secret extremely similar to this once before, and it resulted in 1 ruined life, and 2 life-sentences that are still being served. So it's a nightmare that it's happening again. I'm carrying a shit-ton of guilt for keeping this secret. There are more ways to measure an ethical choice than if you are simply following the instructions of an employer or opening oneself up to a lawsuit, and believe me, I have been VERY aware of that possibility. It might not have been your choice to risk going afoul of an employer or legal advice, but it was mine, and I did it with my eyes wide open. Besides, I clarified with my employer the communication I had later on, which they weren't thrilled about, but understood and appreciated my telling them. I'm still employed and advancing within the organization. Without my being able to give you more details, this part of the story probably isn't a fruitful debate, so I'd prefer not to go further down this path.

    Anyway, I really appreciate everyone's advice, there were some things here that I think I knew deep down but needed to see in black and white. And those things were echoed many times in the responses. I'm going to call her this evening and make it very clear how I feel about being around her BIL, but that I really value her as a friend, and she can either accept that or not. It may be the end of the friendship, but as several others have echoed, that may not be the end of the world. Part of me accepted this as a possible eventuality when I fired (hired?) BIL, anyway.

    Thanks again. In case anyone is interested I'll update later.
    I completely understand that legal is not always moral. But if you were so upset about this secret that you felt you needed to warn the sister, why wouldn't you actually tell her, instead of making cryptic hints? This attempt at taking the middle ground between telling and not telling didn't help anything. 
    mrsconn23OliveOilsMom
  • as I have requested not to continue this discussion on the forums, since I really have a lot of information I cannot share, I have responded to you privately. Thank you for taking interest in my story, I appreciate the advice. :) I hope my private response will answer some questions.
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