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Wedding Woes

It's time for baby girl to adult.

Dear Prudence,

Our oldest daughter graduated from college in May and will start her career in October. For the past two years I’ve been paying for her to see a therapist weekly, which costs $750 a month. She found a therapist in her new city that isn’t on our insurance plan. When we asked her to switch to someone in-network, she complained about “having to start over with a stranger” and wasn’t able to get the therapist to give her a sliding-scale rate.

Our daughter says she hasn’t had anything traumatic happen to her but sees her therapist about feeling stressed and anxious. In seventh grade, she went to a therapist for about a year and a half for “disordered eating.” She generally doesn’t seem very happy when we see her, and while she’s kind enough to us parents, she treats her younger sister horribly. But she’s quick to laugh with friends and around other adults. At this point I’m not sure what coping strategies she’s learned from therapy. She never mentions an end in sight, and frankly I’m tired of paying for it. I only work part-time. How do we tell her that we’re not footing the bill anymore when her job starts providing her health insurance? In a way I worry that we haven’t prepared her enough for the “real world,” even though she’s been working since she was 16 to buy things she’s wanted. My husband insisted that both kids not have any college debt, so we’ve done a lot for her over the past four years.

—Are We Coddling Our Daughter?

Re: It's time for baby girl to adult.

  • "You seem to have a great respect for your therapist and the value in your appointments.   Your father and I think that is fantastic.    Once you are on your employer's health insurance plan in January, your father and I look forward to your new financial independence as an adult and will move to have you removed from the plan.  At that time those appointments will be your responsibility.   You are doing a great job now that you're on your own." 
    short+sassyMNNEBrideOliveOilsMom
  • I'm wondering if the daughter is an accountant and that is why her new job is starting so much later in the year, lol.  I remember that was the scenario for the other business majors I graduated with, who had their concentration in accounting.

    I'm a little curious about the timing.  The out-of-network therapist should be a fairly new therapist for the daughter anyway.  Something should have been said right off the bat like, "Hey, when you move to New City, make sure you look for a therapist in our network."  I personally think the parents should have stayed firm on this and insisted the daughter see a therapist in-network or pay the difference herself.

    I assume they were worried she would just stop going.  However, once her own health plan starts, that is the perfect time to transition her over to paying for her own medical care.  You gotta kick the chick out of the nest at some point!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    mrsconn23MissKittyDangercharlotte989875
  • I hope the daughter WILL be getting her own insurance.  Kids can stay on a parent's insurance plan until 26.  So its possible she will decline the insurance from work to stay on her parents' plan.  Her employer may even pay an incentive to keep her off their medical plan.  I have known a few kids under 26 still on their parents plan because it was better than what their employer offered. 

    But even if the daughter wants to stay on the parents' plan, the conversation needs to be about the daughter picking up all of her OOP medical costs herself.
    Word.   If this is an OOP expense Mom can pull the cord at any time.   

    But Mom also needs to acknowledge that she isn't owed a progress report from the therapist.    Her skepticism and lack of trust for the daughter here is really what's at issue. 
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • banana468 said:
    I hope the daughter WILL be getting her own insurance.  Kids can stay on a parent's insurance plan until 26.  So its possible she will decline the insurance from work to stay on her parents' plan.  Her employer may even pay an incentive to keep her off their medical plan.  I have known a few kids under 26 still on their parents plan because it was better than what their employer offered. 

    But even if the daughter wants to stay on the parents' plan, the conversation needs to be about the daughter picking up all of her OOP medical costs herself.
    Word.   If this is an OOP expense Mom can pull the cord at any time.   

    But Mom also needs to acknowledge that she isn't owed a progress report from the therapist.    Her skepticism and lack of trust for the daughter here is really what's at issue. 
    Yep. yep. yep.  Even IF you are paying, once a kid is 18 HIPPA (HIPAA?) kicks in and you get NOTHING unless they authorize you.   

    Again mom needs to remove herself from paying for daughter's therapy/all medical bills, regardless of whether or not she stays on their insurance for a few more months or years.  And like I said above, mom can tell her daughter that being rude/cruel to them or her sister is unacceptable and won't be tolerated.  You can ask your adult child who's being an asshole to leave if they can't interact respectfully. 
    banana468OliveOilsMom
  • Yes! You are overprotective. This is good when they were in their teen age but when they enters in adulthood. You should stop doing coddling because it annoys them.
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