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Wedding Woes

Y'all need to talk more.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been married for nearly 20 years, and we used to have a pretty good sex life. We figured out ways to help my wife reach orgasm most of the time, but she’s always been fairly indifferent to sex, and as the years have passed, she’s totally lost interest. She still participates for my sake, but she’s ruled out the things that get her off and has made it clear she’s just discharging her “wifely duties.” Occasionally she’s said she would be OK with opening up our marriage so I could have sex elsewhere. Usually I’ve taken that as a sign that she feels inadequate and wants to relieve me of guilt, but she’s brought it up again recently, and I think she’s sincere. But I also believe that she would be deeply hurt if I ever took her up on it.

I’m not crawling out of my skin for lack of a vibrant sex life. But I’m also not averse to a hookup. I love my wife, and I don’t want to leave her. If the situation ever arises where I could plausibly pursue sex with someone who’s flirting with me, am I really at liberty to pursue it? Can I take her permission at face value, even if I don’t think she really appreciates how it will affect her? To be clear, one of her conditions was that she would know about it, so secrecy is not on the table even if it might actually work better that way.

—Is Our Marriage Really Open?

Re: Y'all need to talk more.

  • I feel for the LW.  But is way off-base to think it's okay to have sex with someone else because they've kinda talked about an open marriage.  This is more discussions and ground rules.

    I'd especially recommend they have a few sessions with a marriage counselor.  Whether to discuss opening the marriage and/or help the wife get some of her passion back.  I'm also wondering if she's seen a medical doctor, because there could be a physical reason she isn't enjoying sex like she used to.  I realize she has probably always had a lower sex drive, but it sounds like it has gotten worse with the years.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 7
    Book a flight to Reno and go together...  js, there are professionals and they set the ground rules...  Let her take the lead and allow her to back out for the two of you if she chooses...
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