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Wedding Woes

Classic Prudie: You're surrounded by (American) assholes

I recently got engaged to my boyfriend. He is from a northern European country where engagement rings are usually simple gold bands, worn by both the man and the woman. The big diamonds that American women expect are very rare and considered rather vulgar by most. My engagement ring is a cultural compromise: A gold band set with a very small (1/6 of a carat) diamond. I love my ring, but back home in the U.S., many people seem personally offended by it. My mother is urging me to have my ring ‘upgraded’ because a respectable American middle-class woman needs a bigger diamond. Other people have made comments along the lines of ‘That looks like a promise ring that a high schooler would give to his girlfriend.’ To many American women, the size of the diamond engagement ring seems to be a symbol of their success and worth as women, and the message that I have failed at this goal comes across loud and clear. It stings a bit when they wave their giant rings in my face while making their little comments. What can I do to get them to stop?

Re: Classic Prudie: You're surrounded by (American) assholes

  • You can take a couple different approaches:
    -Practice a stunned and disgusted face and say, "Why would you SAY such a thing?" 
    -Ask if them why this matters so much.
    -Ask if they are understanding of cultural differences and do they realize that this is something that isn't an old tradition but it dates back less than 100 years? 

    And there's always not asking questions but being very up front: "This is my ring and I like it and I didn't ask for your opinion on it.   It's mine and I like it.   Please keep the snark to yourself." 
    downtondivaOliveOilsMomcharlotte989875short+sassy
  • I picked my engagement ring. It's simple band with criss-cross of small gems {they look like diamonds but I know they're fake or very low quality lol}
    People expect this big fancy rings. No. Not my style.

    LW needs to just shut it down. "I like it. That's all that matters" or bean dip. Or if people ask about upgrading they could say "Maybe." to just appease them.
    downtondiva
  • LW needs to tell people to cut it out. 

    When I got engaged I did not show a closeup of my ring and it bothered people. I was constantly asked for a closer picture and it was very bizarre. 

    I love my rings, but didn’t need to flaunt them because it’s for ME not for everyone else. 
    MissKittyDangerdowntondivacharlotte989875
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    "Excuse me?" 

    Or my favorite: "Could you imagine if you were really like that?"
    banana468
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I believe it. My e-ring was an opal, and I received so many comments about it. Even my old gyno said "Is that the real ring?" Um, yes motherfucker, it's the REAL RING. 

    mrsconn23
  • LW should tell these jackasses that the ring is what she wanted and that it shouldn't matter so much to them. She and her husband won't be any less married than a couple who splurged on a huge diamond or an elaborate ring.

    image
  • Although this is a bit of a judgy comment back, I'd be tempted to say, "We just have better things to spend our money on then a shiny bauble."

    I personally am very anti-diamond industry anyway.  I don't have issues if other people want to buy diamonds.  But I won't.  At least not for jewelry, though I would for something industrial that needs a diamond's strength.
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  • What I don't understand is why personal preference isn't coming up at all.  I don't like rings that get caught on stuff, so a big ring would drive me nuts.  But some people like big rings.  It has nothing to do with status or anything, just on what the people want.  Does this not occur to ANY of these people who are asking?  I feel like my knee-jerk reaction to someone saying that my ring isn't big enough would be that I don't personally like the look or feel of big rings.  Because, you know, we're allowed to be different in this world ... 
    imageimage
    mrsconn23MissKittyDangerMesmrEwecharlotte989875
  • kerbohl said:
    What I don't understand is why personal preference isn't coming up at all.  I don't like rings that get caught on stuff, so a big ring would drive me nuts.  But some people like big rings.  It has nothing to do with status or anything, just on what the people want.  Does this not occur to ANY of these people who are asking?  I feel like my knee-jerk reaction to someone saying that my ring isn't big enough would be that I don't personally like the look or feel of big rings.  Because, you know, we're allowed to be different in this world ... 
    I'm the same. It's a miracle I haven't lost this friggen thing in the 5yrs I've had it!
    kerbohl
  • Although this is a bit of a judgy comment back, I'd be tempted to say, "We just have better things to spend our money on then a shiny bauble."

    I personally am very anti-diamond industry anyway.  I don't have issues if other people want to buy diamonds.  But I won't.  At least not for jewelry, though I would for something industrial that needs a diamond's strength.
    Yup.   I have an like my diamond ring and like diamond jewelry.   But read up a bit on De Beers and you may realize that their shady business practices aren't thinks that we should laud or thank for this tradition. 
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    i work with someone who till tell you if she thinks your ring is to small. 

    I’m not kidding. 

  • i work with someone who till tell you if she thinks your ring is to small. 

    I’m not kidding. 
    I just don't get people sometimes!  In what world does anyone think that's an appropriate comment to make?  Yet, here's the LW complaining that multiple people have said the same thing.
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    MissKittyDangercharlotte989875kerbohl
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 23
    Go to Amazon - they sell stainless steel sets with CZ in whatever size you'd like then wear that when you're in the US if the comments and such are bugging you THAT much...  It's a ring, not the marriage nor engagement...  Plenty of nurses, food service, and other professionals are required to wear plain bands if they choose to wear rings at work, it's not unusual at all to not wear "THE" ring all the time!

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  • Also thank you @mrsconn23 because I keep reading this in Rick Moranis' voice.

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    MesmrEwe said:
    Go to Amazon - they sell stainless steel sets with CZ in whatever size you'd like then wear that when you're in the US if the comments and such are bugging you THAT much...  It's a ring, not the marriage nor engagement...  Plenty of nurses, food service, and other professionals are required to wear plain bands if they choose to wear rings at work, it's not unusual at all to not wear "THE" ring all the time!

    Go spend money on a fake ring to appease people who make rude comments? That's totally ridiculous, but they're just going to comment that the CZ isn't a diamond anyway.
    charlotte989875mrsconn23banana468
  • MesmrEwe said:
    Go to Amazon - they sell stainless steel sets with CZ in whatever size you'd like then wear that when you're in the US if the comments and such are bugging you THAT much...  It's a ring, not the marriage nor engagement...  Plenty of nurses, food service, and other professionals are required to wear plain bands if they choose to wear rings at work, it's not unusual at all to not wear "THE" ring all the time!

    Go spend money on a fake ring to appease people who make rude comments? That's totally ridiculous, but they're just going to comment that the CZ isn't a diamond anyway.
    Yeah sorry.   This is the ring equivalent of "How do I respond to all those questions about having a baby when this is my situation (infertility, impotence, desire to remain without kids, etc..) and giving the response, "Just tell 'em you're trying." 

    No.   You tell them creatively or bluntly that their response isn't appreciated.   This is NOT the same thing as getting a plain band as a stand in. 
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