Talk to him about your own mental health and your worries as his mother.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My 15-year-old son recently came out to us as gay. In the moment we were supportive and affirming, and the exchange seemed to end with him relieved and smiling. However, since then I’ve been inundated with horrible feelings about his sexuality. I find myself lying awake at night thinking about bullying, assault, and discrimination he might face at school, in the workplace, from friends or family. More than once I’ve wished he wasn’t gay, even though I know the problem is the world’s, not his. I read an article about a gay teen driven to suicide the other day and burst into tears during my lunch hour. I have a therapist whom I’m working through this with, and I do have a history of anxiety and catastrophizing, but how do I act around him? He’s not stupid enough to not realize if his mom leaves the room whenever something related to his sexuality comes up, and I worry he’d take it as rejection, but I also don’t want him to see me descend into panic and take that as rejection. I love him so much and know this is my problem, not his. But I can’t seem to control myself. Please help.

—Affirming Sadness

banana468

See a good therapist and hopefully one that can specialize in family therapy and with LGBTQ+ community experience.

You may also suggest to your son that he may seek the guidance of a therapist or a group because you want him to be educated and in a position where he is equipped to have the experience to deal with the world around him as he enters adulthood.  

Worrying though is like sitting in a rocking chair.   It gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere.   Instead take your concerns to those who are in a place with the knowledge base to help you and your child. 

VarunaTT

I'm glad LW is seeing a therapist.  I'd also encourage LW to reach out to PFLAG, GLSEN, and any other community oriented LGBTQ+ organizations so that LW can see they're not alone and their son is not alone. 

I think LW is self-aware enough that they can see themselves centering themselves and are fighting against it, so just getting more and more tools of community will help with that.  Hopefully that will alleviate some of her anxiety so that LW doesn't push it out on their son.  B/c honestly, LW shouldn't get up and leave the room, and LW needs to learn to control the catastrophe panic.  No 15 year-old needs to be bearing an additional burden of parental anxiety.  LW faked it once, they can do it again.

OliveOilsMom

LWs son is 15 and I think that the son should be able to hear about how LW is feeling - mentally.  Maybe not all of the aspects of her mental health issues, but enough, so that he doesn't feel like she is disappointed or ashamed of him.  Perhaps LW can have son come to one of her sessions with the therapist, so that together this discussion could be guided by the therapist.

"Son, I love you and want you to know that I am very proud of you and the person you are becoming.  I do need to tell you that lately, I have been suffering from some serious anxiety related to worrying about the possibility of discrimination you may end up facing in your lifetime.  Please do not take any of my actions, as me being unsupportive or ashamed of you in any way.  When I leave the room during times that your sexuality is brought up, it is because my anxiety is rising and I need to escape.  I am working on this with my therapist and this is my issue that I am working through because I don't want you to have to hide who you are in front of me."

short+sassy

banana468 said:

See a good therapist and hopefully one that can specialize in family therapy and with LGBTQ+ community experience.

You may also suggest to your son that he may seek the guidance of a therapist or a group because you want him to be educated and in a position where he is equipped to have the experience to deal with the world around him as he enters adulthood.  

Worrying though is like sitting in a rocking chair.   It gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere.   Instead take your concerns to those who are in a place with the knowledge base to help you and your child. 

I'm surprised I've never heard this phrase, but I like it!

In general, I think over-worrying is a trap parents can fall into.  To the point, where it can sometimes become harmful to the child.

I applaud that the LW is recognizing this in herself and knows the harm it can cause.  Extra great she is already in therapy.  I also think she should lightly mention her feelings to her son.  Definitely not in-depth because, like she recognizes, she doesn't want to make her issue feel like a burden for him.  But I think just a general that she's been experiencing an extra dose of worry for him because of some of the negatives the outside world can have.  That she's working on it.  But, if she sometimes seems uneasy, it's from those worries.  It's not rejection or disapproval or anything like that.  She could even say it in a laughing at herself, "you know me! always picturing the worst and most unlikely catastrophes" way.

Because he does know her, lol.  My own mom was an (insert catastrophe) worrywart.  I would try to manage her by bringing her back down to how infinitesimal the odds of whatever she was worried about was.  And fake urban legends were not my friend, lol.