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Wedding Woes

Jenny needs to get her head checked.

Dear Prudence,

I have known “Jenny” since we were in diapers. We are in our early 30s now. I am a queer career woman. Jenny is married to the love of her life and trying to have kids, which isn’t going so great. I have tried to be her supportive BFF here, but recently I think Jenny crossed a line.

We were with friends and in the middle of a box of wine. Someone asked Jenny what she planned to do if she couldn’t get pregnant. Jenny reached over and patted my stomach and said, “Here is my back up plan.” I tried to laugh it off, but Jenny told she was dead serious: She expects me to be her surrogate if she can’t get pregnant.

I reminded Jenny I don’t want kids. She said, essentially, “What does that matter? It would be my kid, and it isn’t like you are using the ‘plumbing properly.’ ” I understand Jenny was pretty sloshed at that point, but I felt uncomfortable then, and I still do. I have never wanted kids and find pregnancy more than a little of a horror show. I have never even jokingly offered to bear Jenny’s kids. How do I start this conversation?

—Not Your Baby-Maker

Re: Jenny needs to get her head checked.

  • "Jenny, something's been bothering me since that night at the pub.   When you told me that you were serious about me being your backup plan I need to let you know that it's not going to happen.   I'm not a surrogate, not a womb rental and I really hope you weren't serious because it was pretty shocking to hear.  I truly hope your road to parenthood is successful but it's going to include me as a non-biological aunt and friend only." 
  • Nope. So much nope. I don’t care how good of friends someone is, no one is close enough to me to pay my uterus and say I’m their backup plan. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Man, Jenny was so far over the line I wonder if she could see it any more. I don’t necessarily think her view point is going to be much different sober. Sucks that LW even has to have this conversation. 

  • You need to talk to Jenny and tell her how disrespectful it is for her to just assume that you'd be her surrogate, and how uncomfortable and embarrassing it was for you to be put on the spot like that when she'd never even talked to you about this before. 

    Then you need to tell her that while you are sorry she's having trouble getting pregnant and that you can and will support her through this as her friend, you absolutely will not be a surrogate. Hopefully she will apologize to you and you can all move on, but if she gets angry or tries to guilt you, I'm afraid it's time to step back from this friendship, at least for a while.

  • I was taken aback by the headline because my name is Jenny, lol.

    But the LW's Jenny?  Okay, yeah.  She does need to get her head checked.

    I'm as baffled as all of you.  Being a surrogate is a BIG ask.  A ginormous proportions ask.  I cannot even imagine how any person could even just assume that another person would be their surrogate.

    The LW should have a sober conversation with Jenny.  Something like, "I know we were all having a fun night out and drinking.  And you said you expected me to be your surrogate, if you all end up needing one.  At first I thought you were joking, but then it didn't seem like it.  I want to be crystal clear about this.  I never want to be pregnant and would never consider being your surrogate.  I was uncomfortable with what you said and don't want you, jokingly or not, say something like that again."

    Probably the only person I would ever have considered it for is my own sister.  And even that would have been a "maybe" and let me do lots of research and thinking about it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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