You're not causing a rift, they are.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am half-Japanese and married to a white man from the Midwest. My relationship with his family is complex at best. They were unhappy that I kept my name when we got married. I use that name professionally, but more importantly, it is my heritage and connection to my departed father. He died the year before I met my husband. My in-laws don’t like that my husband and I practice Japanese together. My sister-in-law can be on her phone while we are picking her up from the airport, but if I give directions to my husband in Japanese, she says, “It’s rude to talk like that.” My husband is on my side. He is hurt by their attitude, but he loves them. I don’t want a rift. My in-laws can be genuinely good people, but I don’t fit in the box they want me in. I am now pregnant. We are naming the baby after my father’s side of the family. My husband is supportive, and my mother cried when I told her. I don’t know if we should tell my in-laws about the name until I give birth. We are going to visit for the holidays, and I don’t think I can handle the supportive “small talk.” I hate having to defend my father and my heritage. I want my babies to have that connection, to see that part of him live on. Are we doing the right thing? We only see my in-laws twice a year.

—Fraught Baby Name

banana468

I would not tell anyone the name of the baby if you think it's going to be brought with unwanted opinions.

That said, if you and your H are in the car and there's only one other passenger, please try to be inclusive with that passenger.   If you insist upon practicing the language then teach it to your SIL at the same time rather than have her be the only person who isn't understanding what you're saying. 

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

That said, if you and your H are in the car and there's only one other passenger, please try to be inclusive with that passenger.   If you insist upon practicing the language then teach it to your SIL at the same time rather than have her be the only person who isn't understanding what you're saying. 

I agree, to a point.  However, I could also see LW and her H carrying on a conversation with the sister and then LW is giving directions in Japanese and then going back to the conversation in English.  I'd also like to think if my sibling had married someone from another culture and my sibling was trying to learn/understand the language and culture, I'd be supportive of that.  And even curious myself.  I do believe this transgression is small potatoes compared to the attitude overall of her IL's.  

I guess I can see why LW wants to dig in since her IL's have been against her and her decisions that affect her life only (and her husband supports her).  I'd be all kinds of 'fuck 'em'.  

In the case of the baby's name, LW should keep it between them.  Just because they don't need to expose themselves to the judgement of the IL's.  Also, they only see them twice a year...so it will be easy to just not tell them. 

levioosa

Definitely don’t tell them the name before the birth. They sound like genuinely good people. Except for the overt sexism and racism. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

banana468 said:

That said, if you and your H are in the car and there's only one other passenger, please try to be inclusive with that passenger.   If you insist upon practicing the language then teach it to your SIL at the same time rather than have her be the only person who isn't understanding what you're saying. 

I agree, to a point.  However, I could also see LW and her H carrying on a conversation with the sister and then LW is giving directions in Japanese and then going back to the conversation in English.  I'd also like to think if my sibling had married someone from another culture and my sibling was trying to learn/understand the language and culture, I'd be supportive of that.  And even curious myself.  I do believe this transgression is small potatoes compared to the attitude overall of her IL's.  

I guess I can see why LW wants to dig in since her IL's have been against her and her decisions that affect her life only (and her husband supports her).  I'd be all kinds of 'fuck 'em'.  

In the case of the baby's name, LW should keep it between them.  Just because they don't need to expose themselves to the judgement of the IL's.  Also, they only see them twice a year...so it will be easy to just not tell them. 

I also completely agree with the first two paragraphs and realize that if I was constantly pushed by my ILs my patience and desire to be inclusive would wear thin.

That's just more of a "hey here's an olive branch maybe you could consider even if you're doing it through internally gritted teeth." 

Then it's, "Oh MIL we were ALL practicing the language TOGETHER rather than SIL saying, "And then they wouldn't tell me what they were saying!"  I'm more the type to try not to rock the boat but I also don't have family who pull this crap either.

kerbohl

Hmm ... so my brother married someone who speaks a different language.  They speak it together all the time in family gatherings, and I do not find it rude because it is usually when other people aren't part of the conversation.  And I'm thinking of learning it myself one of these days so I can speak it with my nephew and niece.  I think it's neat to learn about different cultures and different languages and would love an opportunity to practice different languages with native speakers.  LW's ILs are very judgemental of the different culture, and if I were in the LW's shoes, I'd distance myself.  And DEFINITELY don't tell the name of the baby before the birth.  Unnecessary headaches will ensue.  

MesmrEwe

This is one of life's NEVER's... NEVER EVER EVER tell ANYONE the baby's name until it's on the Birth Certificate!  

MesmrEwe

I should add I have an uncle who is from another country, aunt is from the midwest... He and my aunt whenever they didn't want people listening in would not speak English.  The problem was they made clear eye contact so you knew exactly who they were talking about right in front of you, in any given part of the conversation!  THAT part was rude!  It's not about rift, it's also about being a decent human being and sometimes that's going to mean letting others understand you're just communicating directions in a bilingual way, which they can shrug off instead of thinking they're the center of being talked about negatively (such as what the aunt/uncle would do)...  

short+sassy

I agree they shouldn't mention the baby's name until after it's born.  Why subject themselves to extra months of pearl clutching from the ILs over the name.  Bean dip any "what names are you thinking of" discussions.

It's nice the LW doesn't want it to feel like it's her culture overtaking her H's culture.  But that's between her and her H.  And it sounds like he likes and is supportive of the blend they have going on.  Hence, there is no problem.  The ILs need to adjust to the choices, including baby names, that their SON is equally making.

As for speaking in a different language around other people (when there is a common language amongst them), it is generally rude to do that.  But I think there are a lot of caveats and exceptions with it also.

For example, I re-read the letter, and what the LW actually described is that her SIL was on the phone when the LW and her H had what sounds like a brief conversation in Japanese.  To me, on the phone=not part of the conversation.  Even if she had been part of the conversation, it would be really going over the top for me to complain about a few sentences.  But the fact that she was on the phone anyway makes her comment especially stupid and unnecessary.

-------------

From my own experience, I dated a guy for two years who was bilingual in English/Spanish and so were both of his parents.  When I was in their company, the majority of the conversation was in English.  Sometimes sentences here and there were in Spanish.  I didn't find any of that rude.  Though if they'd mostly spoken in Spanish when I was there, I would have found that hurtful.

I even asked him one time if, when I wasn't there, they typically spoke in English or Spanish.  He said it varied.  That they often spoke in English anyway.  But that a greater percentage of their conversations were in English when I was there, so I could be part of the conversation also.  That was really nice and I appreciated it.

FWIW, I could speak some Spanish and would practice with them a bit.  They were also welcoming if I asked how to say "this" word or "that" word in Spanish.  They seemed to appreciate that I at least tried to expand my vocabulary and fluency.  "Fluency" is a strong word, lol.  

ILoveBeachMusic

kerbohl said:

Hmm ... so my brother married someone who speaks a different language.  They speak it together all the time in family gatherings, and I do not find it rude because it is usually when other people aren't part of the conversation.  And I'm thinking of learning it myself one of these days so I can speak it with my nephew and niece.  I think it's neat to learn about different cultures and different languages and would love an opportunity to practice different languages with native speakers.  LW's ILs are very judgemental of the different culture, and if I were in the LW's shoes, I'd distance myself.  And DEFINITELY don't tell the name of the baby before the birth.  Unnecessary headaches will ensue.  

I think it's great you would want to learn another language - I am doing that- but speaking in another language in front of others who don't speak that language is rude IMO. Even if other people aren't part of the conservation, if they are part of the group they could feel left out and reluctant to start a conversation with the people speaking the foreign language. I agree with banana that it is an olive branch to extend in the LW's case.

Also agree with keeping the name to themselves. Obviously, they have already told LW's mother, I'm assuming to check if it is ok with her. They, of course, aren't obligated to ok it with her though.