You don't get to decide when someone stops being mad at you.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

A few weeks ago, I had a falling out with my best friend from uni, “Mary,” over what basically amounted to poor planning. I’d canceled plans with her twice: once when I realized her early birthday lunch (with us and her other old school friends) fell on the same weekend as the event I’d bought tickets for at the start of the year. I felt awful, apologized, and offered multiple alternatives, but she turned them all down. The second was a dinner with Mary and her niece. They’d rescheduled a few times, and now it fell on the same night as another friend’s going-away party. I chose to go to my friend’s going-away party, since it would be the last time I’d see her for three months. Mary made a big deal out of it and said she would have skipped it for me. I think I could just as easily have seen Mary and her niece another time. I said I’d arrange something after I got back from my upcoming work trip. I’ve been back two weeks now, we haven’t spoken, and I miss her. How do I fix this?

—Poorly Planned Misunderstanding

banana468

How did they reschedule for a date you said was no good? 

Call Mary and tell her that you are sorry that conflicting schedules prevented you from being there.   Say you'd like to make it up to her and you're happy to talk when she's available.

And then do a better job at putting events on your calendar, checking it, and being emphatic that you are "booked".   You don't need to tell her the event.   Just say you're busy.  

VarunaTT

banana468 said:

How did they reschedule for a date you said was no good?  

I had assumed Mary kept moving it and then the final date given, LW had a conflict with and they both stopped trying b/c Mary was peeved that LW wouldn't cancel existing event and LW now had no other date to check.

It does sound like LW hasn't tried to speak to Mary though?  Just call Mary, say, I'm really sorry there's been some bad planning lately.  I really want to see you and catch up.  Let's do X at Y time.  If Y won't work, here's 3-4 other dates I have free and available, which will work for you?  If Mary doesn't want it, there's no much you can do.

kerbohl

Was this around the holidays?  Like, the past two months?  Some times of year are just harder to get together than others ... LW should apologize that she was busy but say that she really values time with Mary and offer a date in the future for lunch. 

downtondiva

If you have trouble remembering what you have scheduled when, make sure you put any commitments you have on a calendar as soon as you find out about them, and ALWAYS check it before making any new plans so you don't end up double-booked. I say this because while I don't think you did anything wrong by choosing to attend the going away party, I do think the first incident of this was 100% on you (though I'd also say Mary could have been a bit more gracious when you tried to make things right). 

As for Mary, do reach out and apologize and try to make new plans with her on a day that you are both available. Let her know that she still matters to you and that your time together is important to you. If she turns that down, too, it may be time to keep your distance, at least for a while. You can't force her to forgive you.

MyNameIsNot

I have a friend who could have written this letter. From her perspective, it's been 2-3 times with really good reasons, and I'm unreasonable for getting upset about it. From my perspective, she's been flaky for 10 years, can't keep up with her calendar, is constantly cancelling last minute because she suddenly remembers prior commitments, but I rarely say anything unless it's really egregious (the 2-3 times). I could probably use my words or walk away from the relationship, but it's not a BFF situation. I've just adapted my expectations and don't set myself up for disappointment anymore.

With the two events being pretty close together and Mary seeming really upset, I'd question if LW is more flaky that she realizes. LW needs to call Mary, apologize, and try to schedule some time together.